by Jane Hardee
After Michael left, she fought back tears as she took the aspirin and orange juice back to the kitchen. Okay, so Michael didn’t want to talk. And she apologized. Sorry about that. Sorry? Jess wasn’t sorry. She was intrigued. And turned on. At least now Jess had her answer. This strong attraction was definitely one-sided. Of course it was. She guessed it was possible that Michael was ashamed for letting it happen. After all, Michael was drunk and confused…that wasn’t like Michael. There were few occasions when Michael drank as much as she had last night, and even on those occasions, Michael always took responsibility for her actions. While they were all in the habit of letting go once in a while, Michael was usually the one with the most control, even after a few drinks.
Now that Jess knew Michael wanted to forget the kiss, her befuddlement increased. Her head pounded as she got into her Passat and headed back to her apartment. Being sentimental and emotional by nature, Jess often put too much stock in events that other people saw as trivial. Maybe Michael wasn’t moved by the kiss. Though they didn’t discuss sex in detail, Jess knew Michael had her share of willing partners. In fact, women threw themselves at her wherever they went. Michael had probably shared many mind-blowing kisses with other women. Many other women. Beautiful, sophisticated, thin women. Like Camille. Jess felt sick when she pictured Michael’s beautiful lips kissing another woman, especially a beautiful former lover like Camille.
The best course of action was to ask someone for advice, as she had absolutely no idea what to do. Pulling into a gas station, she kept the car in drive with her foot on the brake and scrolled through the contacts on her cell. The first few names were of coworkers. Jess loved her coworkers, but she usually kept her private life private. Many people at school did not even know she was a lesbian or were surprised when they found out. After all, Atlanta was still considered the “South,” and most of the women she worked with probably stereotyped lesbians as butches in sleeveless flannel shirts, with greasy motor oil under their nails.
Jess came to Morgan’s name and pondered. She loved Morgan dearly, but Morgan and Michael were also friends. Jess assumed that since Michael did not want to discuss what happened, she wouldn’t want Jess to discuss it with their mutual friends. She put her Passat in park and continued to scroll.
Rebecca, no. Ryan, no. Samantha, no. Sara, hmmm.
Before thinking about it, Jess hit the call button and was connected to her sister’s cell. Sara was four years older than Jess, intelligent and successful. She had been an interior designer for seven years, married for five, and a working mother for three. She had practically gone right back to work after delivering Tabitha. Jess envied her drive and accomplishments. She and Jess had little in common, but they were as close as sisters could be.
“Sara Beacon here.”
“Hi. It’s me,” Jess said, nervous that Sara picked up right away. Maybe something was wrong.
“I’m on my way to a lunch meeting. And I don’t care how long I’ve been living in New York. I still can’t believe the traffic.” Sara muttered something to her cab driver.
As kids they had both hoped to leave Georgia. They were going to be Broadway actresses, or movie stars, or models in Miami. Anything to get away. Georgia didn’t hold any special appeal to the sisters growing up. It was dull and boring and it was hard to find adventure. They vowed they would both go on to bigger and better things. Sara stayed true to her word. Two months after graduating from the University of Georgia, she was on her way to fulfilling her dreams in the Big Apple.
Jess visited Sara in New York on a number of occasions prior to graduating from Florida State, and she had quickly realized that for her, those were just childhood daydreams. It turned out she loved Atlanta. It was a great city with rich history and warm weather, and it was affordable. Jess had been living in her own apartment with no roommate for several years, a luxury she couldn’t have in a larger city. Teaching afforded her many job opportunities, so why not stay in Atlanta? It provided her with everything a big city had to offer, but satisfied her need to be near open space and beauty of the country. Purple crepe myrtle trees lined her street and a honeysuckle bush bloomed under her living room window. Her place was only a few hours’ drive from the beautiful beaches of South Carolina and mountains of Tennessee. Yes, Atlanta was home now.
“Well, other than the horrendous traffic, how are you?”
“Just fine. Busy as usual. Todd forgot to take Tabitha to ballet. Again. I swear if he wasn’t so good looking, I’d wonder why I married him. How are you, sweetie? School going okay?”
“I kissed Michael,” Jess blurted, unable to hold it in any longer. And saying it out loud made it that much more real. Her palms began to sweat as she waited for her sister’s reply.
“You what? What do you mean you kissed Michael? Michael, as in your best friend Michael? The one whose friendship means more to you than anything? That Michael?”
“One and the same.” Jess pondered the advertisements for food and cigarettes taped to the concrete walls of the gas station. Jess had never smoked in her life, but in her nervous state, the hot dog for two dollars held some appeal.
“What happened?”
“Last night we went to a party, actually, I begged her to come. We both had some drinks, you know. It was a good time. I drove her home because she had overdone it a little. When I walked her up to her loft…I don’t know. It just happened.”
“Kisses don’t just happen, Jess! Especially not with friends.”
Her sister had no idea how often such a thing did happen with lesbian friends. Michael and Jess’s friendship spanned the better part of fifteen years, and Sara considered her a second younger sister. There was no way she would let anything get in the way of Jess and Michael’s friendship if she could prevent it. Ever the older sister. Maybe this was why Jess had hesitated before dialing Sara’s number.
“Sara, I don’t know what came over me. One minute I was helping her undress and the next—”
“Why, pray tell, were you helping her undress?” Sara’s tone was harsher.
“Come on. We’ve undressed in front of each other dozens of times. But something different happened. I don’t know the word, it was mesmerizing, I guess.” Jess gripped the steering wheel as she remembered that smoldering look.
“Well, how was it?”
“I wish I could describe it. Or explain it. It was breathtaking. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Ever.”
Sara was quiet for a moment. “What does Michael say about it?”
“Not much. When I brought it up she avoided the subject and rushed out.”
“And what if she had wanted to talk, what would you have said?” Sara’s voice was softer now but still had an edge of concern.
“That I…that we…” That we should kiss again. And often. She couldn’t say it out loud.
“Jess, you have to be realistic about this. She is your best friend. This can’t go anywhere. Don’t lose her as a friend because you both lost control of your hormones. Let it go.”
“No, you’re right. I know you’re right,” Jess said, putting her car in reverse to pull out of her parking space. Sara was right. Their friendship was far too valuable to risk.
After an abrupt good-bye and a promise to call later, Sara hung up, and Jess thought about their conversation for the entire ride to her apartment. Yes, Sara was right.
Then why does letting go feel so wrong?
*
Although her anger subsided, Michael was in a foul mood all day. After running some errands and going to the gym, she worked on a private project that wasn’t for commission. Staying busy worked well, and she thought little about Jess’s attempt to discuss her make-out session with Stevie. Later, sitting alone in her loft, sketching and flipping through TV channels, she had time to relive the horrible scene.
Michael felt consumed with the task of accepting Jess’s freedom to date. She could not for the life of her figure out why Jess would want to talk to her about Stevie, as o
nly a handful of times they had discussed dating or sex. When in a group they discussed general sexual comments, but nothing specific. During those conversations Michael and Jess both had little to add, letting Morgan and Camille say whatever was on their minds.
There was one exception. The night Jess had come out to her.
For old time’s sake, the night before Michael left for the Savannah College of Art and Design, they decided to have a sleepover like they used to in middle school. When they were freshmen, Michael had put an end to the sleepovers, claiming her mom said she needed to concentrate on her studies. Little did Jess know it was because of Michael’s difficulties being close to Jess without revealing what was in her heart. There was no way Michael was going to torture herself by sleeping in the same bed with Jess, feeling the warmth radiating from her body, hearing her breathe.
It was a great night, and Michael would remember it forever. They laughed about high school, old friends, and fun times. It was the first time Jess introduced Michael to the Hawaiian Special pizza. They were both on the floor leaning back against the bed, legs stretched out in front of them. Plates and napkins littered the rug, along with yearbooks and other pictures from their years in high school. After finishing what was left of the pizza, Jess grew serious.
“What’s wrong?” Michael asked, concerned.
“I have something to tell you. Something I hope you’ll be happy to hear,” Jess said, twisting a napkin in her hand.
“Okay. What’s up?” Michael asked, more calmly than she felt. What could Jess possibly have to tell her?
“I think, I mean I know…I’m a lesbian,” Jess said. She looked Michael straight in the eye.
Michael choked on her soda. Jess? A lesbian? At first she was in shock. She had never talked about girls with Jess. That was probably due to the fact that Jess was the only girl that existed in Michael’s mind. A lesbian?
“I know it sounds crazy. I kept hoping I would meet a guy that made me feel something. But I feel nothing. And the weird part is that I’ve never felt anything for a girl either. But I know I could,” Jess pleaded. “I hope you can understand. I thought if anyone could, you would be able to.” Michael came out their freshman year of high school.
Michael couldn’t speak. Her heart soared at the knowledge that no one had ever made Jess feel special, not in the way Michael wanted to make her feel, not in the way she deserved. Her stomach turned to knots just as quickly at the thought of Jess with another woman. She had never pictured Jess with a boy. Jess just wasn’t interested in boys. Maybe deep down she knew Jess was also a lesbian, but she hadn’t allowed herself to imagine Jess with anyone. Now what? It would be torture to wait around while Jess tried to find the right woman for her. Suddenly, leaving for college was a whole lot more appealing.
“I’m glad you told me,” Michael lied, knowing this was an important moment for Jess. She needed Michael’s support. Michael hated to admit it, but she would have much rather gone to college with the thought of Jess being asexual. Not with boys, but certainly not with girls.
“I…well…there is something else I want to talk to you about,” Jess said, avoiding Michael’s eyes. She blushed. Had she already met someone? Was she going to ask for tips?
Michael swallowed as she nodded, not trusting herself to speak just yet.
Jess hesitated for what felt like hours. Michael prayed she would just spit it out and put her out of her misery. At least she was leaving tomorrow morning, and she would not have to meet this mysterious person.
“I want…I want you to…” Jess began, looking at Michael.
“You want me to what?” Michael asked, more harshly than she had intended.
“I want you to be the first. My first.” Jess turned her eyes away again.
It was the most wonderful, horrible thing Michael had ever heard. Jess wanted to be with her? Jess wanted to make love? Michael had imagined their bodies rolling in the sheets for years. Images haunted her. Before she could stop herself, she let her mind run with her fantasy. She pulled Jess up by her hands and ran her hands through her hair. Jess placed her hands on Michael’s hips and tilted her head up for a kiss…
Had Jess been harboring the same amorous feelings and emotions for Michael all this time? She could only hope. Michael held her breath as Jess continued.
“I don’t trust anyone but you, Michael. You are my best friend. I know you’d never hurt me. I just…I don’t know. I thought we could just try it out…practice,” Jess said, shyly meeting Michael’s eyes.
Michael felt nauseous. Practice? She wants to practice with me? She doesn’t want to make love to me the way I’ve been dreaming about? The sick feeling in Michael’s stomach turned to anger.
She jumped to her feet and began to pace in front of the closet. “Practice! What do I look like, a fucking call girl? No! No, we are not going to have sex!” Michael ran a shaky hand through her long hair. As soon as the words left her mouth she knew she had gone too far. Jess turned away from her with embarrassment. Michael cursed under her breath.
“I’m sorry, I just…I’m sorry.” Jess began to pick up the trash all over the floor and place it in the empty pizza box.
“No, I’m sorry,” Michael pinched the bridge of her nose and ran her hands through her hair again. She knelt down beside Jess, stilling her hands. She tried to control her rising temper. “I didn’t mean it to sound that way. It just isn’t that easy.” Michael paused, knowing her next words would be some of the hardest she would ever have to say. “Sex is important. You will meet someone you trust, someone you care about. And that is something that you will share with them. Not with me,” Michael said, pushing a lock of Jess’s hair behind her ear. Her heart burned as she spoke every word. While she would love nothing more than to lie naked with Jess and make love to her for hours, she knew Jess didn’t love her in the way she needed. She wasn’t going to put herself through that only to fall more in love with Jess.
Jess lifted her eyes, tears flowing down her cheeks. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.” She wrapped Michael in a tight hug.
“Same here.” Tears filled Michael’s eyes.
Now here Michael sat, still pining after all these years, still mindlessly filling page after page in her sketchbook with drawings and doodles of Jess. Still angered at the thought of Jess with someone else. Still sickened by the idea of Jess giving herself to someone who was nowhere near good enough.
Michael realized it was almost seven, and she had to be over at Camille’s in an hour for Girls Night In, a tradition the four friends established when Morgan got her new job at the law firm, and Michael got her first commission. Once a month, they got together, no matter what. A few drinks, fun movies, relaxation with good friends.
Usually Michael looked forward to these evenings, but not tonight. Though she never stayed angry at Jess for long, she still reeled from their morning conversation. Michael couldn’t figure out if she didn’t want to go because she was still angry at Jess or because she knew the minute she looked into those soft blue eyes, Jess would be forgiven. Pathetic.
*
After countless attempts to concentrate on paperwork, Jess rubbed her eyes and shut down her laptop. It was unlike her not to be able to work. She could always work. Oftentimes she used it as an escape from her personal life or to avoid things that were bothering her. Writing new lessons, finding fun activities for her students, reading new research studies on autism: she knew these things inside and out, and they required little emotional input. She could do them on autopilot. Today nothing distracted her thoughts from Michael and the kiss they’d shared. She replayed it over and over, feeling every touch and every caress again. Amazing. It was surreal, how perfect it was. Yet Michael felt nothing. Or did she?
Jess walked into her bedroom and undressed. As she went about getting ready and putting her makeup on, her mind still raced. Thinking back to the moment right before the kiss, Jess saw something in Michael’s eyes. Something she had definitely never seen b
efore. Passion? Desire? Was Michael embarrassed about what happened? Maybe she felt ashamed because she let it happen when she had been drinking. Or maybe she was embarrassed because Jess had never seen her quite that drunk.
It was weird to admit her attraction to Michael, after all these years of friendship. Thinking back, though, it was obvious. She had just tried hard to hide it from herself. Jess was reminded of one incident in particular. They had been swimming in the lake near Michael’s childhood home; they must have been around sixteen. Jess remembered vaguely that Michael had to leave early for some reason or another, so she excused herself to get dressed behind a tree. While Jess went in search of her own tree to change behind she accidentally caught a glimpse of Michael nude. Strong shoulders, small pert breasts, and a perfect butt. A warm feeling overcame her. She thought it was due to embarrassment from seeing Michael naked. It wasn’t until she came out that she realized it was arousal. Almost a full minute passed before Jess had moved away from the sight of Michael’s nakedness. Steadying herself against a tree trunk to catch her breath, she tried to forget the stark beauty of Michael’s body. Jess had never told Michael.
Meeting her eyes in the mirror, Jess wondered if Michael found her attractive. She knew based on comments from Camille and Morgan that Michael had her share of casual encounters. What did Michael look for in a woman? Jess looked down at her large breasts and soft stomach. Turning to view her profile, she rubbed her hands down her sides and back up over her breasts. She supposed she could pass for attractive. But did Michael think so? The way Michael kissed her would indicate she did. The look in Michael’s eyes, the feel of Michael’s hands in her hair and around her waist, pulling at her. Jess shivered from the memory of it.
“This is insane,” Jess said aloud as she looked at herself again. “The hell with it.”
If Michael could forget about it, so could she. A romance wouldn’t work. They were best friends, and Jess was afraid Michael’s taste in women did not extend to the plump schoolmarm type. Just forget it. But how? Her body had vibrated with desire twenty-four hours after a kiss that lasted only ten seconds. Yes, they were best friends and had been for years, but the innocence of their friendship was ruined the second Michael’s lips touched hers.