"He's not a man, is he?"
Tassin opened her mouth, but Kole poked her in the ribs. With a parting glare at Ravel, she followed the crewman. After she had taken a few steps, Sabre rose smoothly to his feet and followed. The men parted to let him through with wary, half envious, half admiring looks, even though he was unarmed.
Chapter Nine
Tassin glanced around the stuffy little cabin, her lip curling in disgust at the dank smell and rumpled grey sheets on the narrow bunk. Several layers of paint peeled off the walls, making them a mottled grey, green, dull blue and brown. A worn out brown carpet showed patches of bare metal through its holes, and the solitary light dangled on a twisted, much-repaired cored. The crewman leered at her and left, closing the door. Sabre sank down on the bunk with a soft groan, his lips drawn back in a grimace of pain. Tassin sat beside him, her brow creased with worry.
"Are you all right?"
"No. I don't know what that bastard doctor gave me, but it wasn't a painkiller."
"Oh, god, I'm so sorry." Tassin placed a hand on his arm, her eyes stinging with mortification.
"It's not your fault. You tried."
"Why didn't you say something?"
"A cyber wouldn't. Pain is irrelevant to them." He rummaged his medical pouch and extracted the bottle of pills, but could not open it with one hand. Tassin took it and shook two pills into his palm, and then fetched a glass of water from the grimy, cupboard-sized bathroom. He took the painkillers, and Tassin pondered the bottle.
"Why do cybers have painkillers in their medical kits if they don't need them?"
"They're not meant for the cyber."
"Who then?"
"People." He shrugged, winced, and lay down. "The owner, and whoever else needs them. Cybers are programmed to administer first aid."
Tassin put the bottle back in his medical kit and gazed down at him. "That was an amazing fight."
His slight, sad smile tore her heart with the precious memories it brought back.
"You must be exhausted," she observed.
"Tired, yes."
"Do you want to sleep?"
He shook his head. "Too full of adrenalin still."
"What will the enforcers do now?"
"Call for reinforcements and attack this ship as soon as she leaves Rashid."
"Then why did the captain grant us a ship clamp?"
"Either he's a fool, which I doubt, or he has other plans."
Tassin shivered, rubbing her arms. "Like what?"
"He'll probably hand us over to the enforcers."
"Why would he do that now, after saving us from them?"
"Here in orbit, all the ships were attacking them, so he stood a chance of winning, with me. In fact, he'd have been in trouble with the locals if he hadn't fought them. Men like him enjoy a battle if they think they can win, and gain by it. He thinks he's gained your trust, or at least, he hopes so. Once he's out in space alone, he won't stand a chance against a couple of enforcer battle cruisers, and he knows it. By handing us over, he'll clear his name for fighting them, and gain a ship."
She frowned. "Can no one be trusted in this godforsaken universe?"
"You can trust me."
"I know that. Apart from you, I meant. What about Kole?"
"Not anymore. You told him something, didn't you?"
She hesitated, then nodded. "The truth."
"About what?"
"You."
His brows rose towards the flashing brow band. "What about me?"
"He... he had already noticed it, anyway."
"Noticed what?"
She looked down at her hands, her cheeks growing warm. "The way I feel about you."
"You said we were friends. I thought Kole was mistaken when..."
"What? What did he say?"
"What do you feel?"
Tassin bit her lip and frowned at her twisting hands. "I wanted you to remember."
"Well, I don't." He reached over and laid his hand on hers, stilling them. "Tell me."
Tassin swallowed a lump and shook her head. She could not admit it, since he did not remember. In fact, he had never told her how he felt, and she had only deduced that he had feelings for her from his demeanour on the day Manutim had taken him away. That might have been due to the horrible situation, but she hoped it had been more than that. It did no good, however, as long as he did not remember it. She gripped his hand. "We... were good friends. Very good friends. That’s why I came to find you." She swallowed. "When Manutim took you away, it broke my heart." Several minutes passed before she could bring herself to look at him. He stared at the ceiling.
"Say something," she prompted.
"I don't know what to say. I don't know what friendship is."
"Don't you feel anything for me?"
His eyes flicked down to her face. "Yes, but I don't know what it is."
"Can you describe it?"
He freed his hand and touched his chest. "Something here. Hard to describe, but kind of painful."
"Do you like to be near me?"
"Not really. You make me uncomfortable. But I want to be near you."
Tassin smiled. "Do you miss me when I'm not with you?"
"In a way, I suppose."
"Then perhaps you do. Your heart remembers me. Isn't that what you once said?"
He closed his eyes, shaking his head. "How can you be my friend?"
"Easily."
"That's why you found me and freed me. Not because I saved your life."
"Yes."
Sabre opened his eyes and looked at her. "But I'm a cyber."
"I don't care."
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's true. You're free now, forever," she said.
"You don't understand. I'm a cyber."
"Why should that matter?"
"It just does."
"Why?"
He shook his head, staring at the ceiling again. "I don't know exactly, but it does."
"Try to explain it to me."
"I can't. You wouldn't understand."
"I might. Please try."
Sabre turned his head away, his brow furrowed. Another long, pregnant silence fell while Tassin held her breath and bit her tongue to stop herself from blurting out all the feelings that threatened to choke her.
His voice was a husky thread of sound in the silence. "I don’t know how anyone could want to be friends with a cyber. I'm a killing machine. I killed seven men tonight. That's all I know. I'm not supposed to have feelings."
"But you do, and that means you're not a killing machine. You're a human being. You killed those men to defend us, and I know you hate it. The settlers killed some too, and maybe even Kole did. Does that make them killing machines?"
"I knew you wouldn't understand."
"Then explain it so I can understand," Tassin said.
"I can't. Perhaps a real person could. You should ask Kole."
"Why could he explain it better than you? They're your feelings."
"But I don't understand them. How can I explain why they shouldn't exist? Why it's so wrong that they do, and that it's even worse for you to have them too?"
Realisation dawned on Tassin like a bucket of cold water thrown down her back. "You're trying to rationalise affection?"
He shrugged. "I have no way of dealing with it."
"You don't have to deal with it, you just act on it. You did it before. Why can't you do it now?"
"I must have learnt how to deal with it then, but that's all been wiped away. I don't know how to act on it."
"Did you like it when I held your hand? Why did you reach out to me?"
He glanced at her, then looked away. "Your movement was distracting. By holding my hand, you impeded my remaining primary defensive weapon, and..." He frowned. "Had I needed to react, I might have hurt you."
Tassin stared at him. "You think of everything in terms of combat?"
"It's all I know."
"Then you'll learn, as you did bef
ore. You have no idea how to show affection, do you?"
"I don't even know what it is."
She leant forward and cupped his cheek. "This is affection. How does it make you feel?"
"You don't want to know."
"Yes I do."
He sighed. "My first reaction was a threat assessment and the possible defences I might undertake. Since you're female, and an unaltered human, it took only a split second to discard the possibility of a threat. Although you might have a concealed weapon, I could smash your skull with one blow. The cyber disliked my reaction, and would have tried to stop me."
Tassin hid her shock. "And how do you feel now that your initial reaction has subsided?"
"Uncomfortable. My heart rate has increased, and you're leaning on my cracked ribs."
She straightened. "Sorry."
"That wasn't a normal reaction, was it?"
"For a warrior, perhaps."
"Really?"
She shook her head. "No, probably not, unless I was a complete stranger he suspected of treachery. Don't you trust me?"
"I do, but I don't know any other response to another person's proximity. It's automatic." He paused, considering her. "I would never strike you, but that's how my mind works. You wanted to know."
"And now I understand."
"Do you?"
"A little." She moved closer so she did not have to lean on his chest, and stroked his cheek. "How does this make you feel now?"
"Why do you want to know this?"
"So I can understand you."
He closed his eyes. "My prior threat assessment made another unnecessary, so my first thought was the impediment you would be if I needed to react to a threat."
"That's what you thought, but how do you feel?"
"Your touch is gentle and your hand is warm."
"Not the physical sensations, your emotional reaction."
Sabre opened his eyes, looking puzzled. "I should have an emotional reaction to it?"
"Do you like me being close to you?"
"You're in the way."
"Of what?"
"My defensive reaction to a possible threat."
Tassin blinked. "Aside from that."
"I don't know what you mean."
"Would you like to touch me?"
"For what reason?"
"Because I'd enjoy it."
He considered her with pale, cold eyes. "Would you?"
"Yes."
Sabre lifted his hand and studied it, perhaps considering the possibility that it might be used as something other than a weapon for the first time. Tassin held her breath as he reached up and touched her cheek, a faint frown tugging at his brows.
"How does that make you feel?" she asked.
"Your skin is soft."
"You like that?"
He smiled and let his hand fall back onto his chest. "You don't want to know my reaction to that."
"I do."
"You won't like it."
"I'm starting to get used to the shocks."
"It might offend you."
"I'll get over it."
He reached up and cupped her cheek, his fingers warm and gentle. "The pressure points on the side of your skull are more vulnerable than a man's. I could render you unconscious simply by tightening my grip, and with a bit of leverage, I could crush your skull."
Tassin resisted the urge to recoil, and instead clasped his hand to her cheek. "Would you like to do that?"
"No," he said. "I would never hurt you."
"Good. Now if you could just stop thinking of the umpteen ways you could crush my skull or snap my neck, what else comes into your mind?"
He looked confused. "Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Is there an echo in here?"
She smiled. "All right, what's your heart telling you?"
"It's warm. Kind of fluttering."
"That's good. That's an emotional response."
"It feels like a physical one to me."
"It's a physical manifestation of an emotional response," she explained.
"Now you're just trying to confuse me with big words."
"And you're very bad at playing dumb."
Sabre smiled, tearing her heart with the gentle sadness of his expression, which spoke volumes of how lost he was in the strange world into which he had been thrust from the dark prison of his mind.
"You were better at relating to me the first time we met," she told him.
He nodded. "I probably had more memories to refer to, then."
"How much do you remember now?"
"My youth and training."
"That's all? You don't remember your first owners? The old woman who fed you dog food?"
"No." He looked pensive. "I remember stepping into the casket at the end of my training, then... I heard you calling me, from far away, and I recognised your voice. I wanted to answer you, but I couldn't. Then there was a lot of pain, but after a while, I was free."
Tassin stared at him in horror. "I thought you'd just lost your memories of Omega Five, not your entire life. You said you remembered the chestnut horse."
"I did?" He frowned, thinking, then shook his head. "Not anymore."
"Then why did you fight so hard to get free when I spoke to you?"
"I knew your voice, and you told me I could get free, so I tried. You kept calling me. You gave me a name, and somehow I knew it was mine. That was important."
Tassin bowed her head. "And the first time I spoke to you, you still had some of your memories. You lost them on Rashid."
"Yes, I must have."
"I'm sorry."
"No, don't be. You freed me. It was worth it."
"I hope you get them back."
"Me too."
She took his hand again, caressing it. "How do you feel, now that you know I care about you?"
"I don't know. You're important to me. I want to protect you. It's strange, but... good. It's also wrong."
"Why?"
He closed his eyes, plainly exhausted. "Because I'm a cyborg."
"You're still a man, just with a few... additions, which makes you special."
He snorted. "I'm not special; there are thousands just like me."
"No, they're not. You're unique. Is a man any less because he has a twin?"
"He might be, if he had thousands."
"No, he wouldn't. He'd still be an individual, with his own unique spirit."
He opened his eyes to study her. "If I stood beside one of my clones, who was the same age, would you be able to tell us apart?"
"Yes. The first time I saw you, I knew it was you. I didn't have to see the cracked brow band or the scars, I just knew."
Sabre looked away, then closed his eyes. "I must rest."
"I'll sleep on the floor. You stay here; you need a soft bed more than I do."
"Thank you."
Tassin released his hand and stood up, dithered for a moment before going into the bathroom to wash her face, then returned to lie down on the floor, taking a blanket from the bed.
Sabre listened to her soft movements, glancing at the cyber's tracking information within the darkness of his mind. It showed a multitude of people all around them, the scanners penetrating the thin walls. None of them appeared to be threatening, and he thought about their conversation, marvelling at the revelation of Tassin's admission. It surprised him, and he did not know how to cope with it.
His first reaction was to ignore it. His training told him that such things were irrelevant, and did not warrant consideration, but part of him clung to the precious wonder of it. Another part of him rejected the notion that a beautiful young woman like Tassin could care about a broken killing machine. What could she possibly see in him? His feelings also puzzled him, since he had never experienced any before, and had no idea what they meant. He wanted to stay with her. He liked to watch her, especially when she smiled. If only he knew how to make her smile. What was affection, anyway? Was he capable of it? How was he supposed to show
it? What was its purpose? He glanced at the cyber's bio readout, noting the areas of his body marked in red, indicating injuries. His ribs ached despite the painkillers, and his elbow burnt, but it was not as badly injured as the doctor had diagnosed. He was not a cyber technician. The blessed darkness of sleep washed over him, and he welcomed it.
****
When Tassin woke, Sabre still slept, and she lay still, knowing that if she tried to leave the room the cyber would wake him. He woke a couple of hours later, and she gave him two more painkillers, alarmed by his pallor. He seemed to have lost weight overnight, but then, after that amount of physical exertion, he probably had. When the painkillers had worked, he sat up, grimacing, and tried to take the cast off his arm. She shook her head, alarmed.
"Leave it."
"I must bathe. I stink."
"No you don't."
"You need your nose checked. The smell woke me up. Besides, pink isn't my colour."
Sabre eased the strap over his head, and she helped to remove the plastic cast, then took off the bandages around his chest, revealing massive bruises. His elbow had turned a peculiar shade of puce, and the laser burns were angry red. When she had removed all the dressings, he went into the bathroom.
A few minutes later, there was a knock on the door, and Tassin opened it to find Kole waiting outside, holding three silver packages. He brushed past her and set the packages down on the table beside the bed, glancing around.
"Where's our hero?"
"Bathing. What's this?" She nodded at the packages.
"Food. You must be hungry by now, I'm guessing."
"Starved; thank you. How did you persuade Ravel to let you visit me?"
"I told him I'm your husband. It got me visitation rights."
"It's good to see you. Are you all right?"
He shrugged. "Apart from the hard bunks and smell, not too bad. The engineers have been working on Striker. She should be ready in a few days."
"Sabre says Ravel's going to hand us over to the enforcers as soon as we leave Rashid."
"Undoubtedly. That's why I want Striker repaired fast."
"But can you trust Ravel's engineers?"
He shook his head. "I've been watching them, and I'll check their work before we try to leave. I'll have Striker run a full diagnostic check. You can't fool an AI."
The Cyber Chronicles IV - Cyborg Page 14