The subject was forgotten for the moment but I knew it would resurface some day. How was I to tell Steven about them? Why did they seem so important to everyone except me?
* * * *
We spent a good part of that day on the garden seat swing. Steven made me breathless when he kissed me. When he suggested that we go lie on the grass I couldn't say no. After running inside to get a blanket I laid it out and we lay down on it. By now the sun was at its prime and it was nice to just absorb its warmth.
As we made love now, Steven was so much more relaxed than he had been the first times. Now we had lots of fun and laughed, and he didn't get embarrassed at all. And the biggest difference of all was that until this day, he'd been stopping me let him enjoy oral sex.
This afternoon as we lay naked in the sun, like the last two souls on earth, no sounds around but the birds in the trees, Steven actually asked me to kiss him 'there'. All of a sudden he was blushing and unconfident again, knowing what he wanted but not sure if he was actually allowed to ask for it. I smiled at him and teased him about it until he laughed and begged for it playfully. The feeling of being that close to the part of him that he'd guarded so much up till now was overwhelming. And when he returned the touch to me, I never thought I'd find a pleasure so great. Neither of us moved towards intercourse; we just totally indulged in each other till we could no more.
I positioned myself in Steven's arms and soon we were kissing passionately again. He pulled away from me and was breathing heavily again. "I just can't get enough of you, you know," he said before we spent another long period in silence, just totally enjoying each other, and this time we left nothing out.
As the sun started to fade, Steven and I still lay together. It was so nice to just be totally alone, knowing no-one was going to interrupt us. It made me feel very relaxed and when the thought struck me that I'd have to leave soon for our gig, I started to tense up again.
"Time to go, huh?" Steven asked and I nodded.
"You could come too, Steven."
He started dressing and got up into his chair.
When I stood up and pulled the blanket around me, he looked at me.
"No, I don't think so. That wouldn't be a good idea. But I would like to talk to Craig. Could you ask him to come in at some stage so that I can talk to him?"
I gave him an unbelieving look. I knew he was going to get to my father through Craig.
Before I could flare up, I rushed inside to the shower. When I got out, Steven was in the bedroom, waiting for me. Getting dressed, I tried to just keep my mouth shut so that we wouldn't argue anymore, but I guess the silence got a little too unnerving as Steven left, not looking very happy at all.
I refused to let my composure fall to tears as I put on my makeup for the night. Inside I was caught between rage and sadness. How could my boyfriend be so ignorant to my obvious wishes to keep family problems a secret? It just seemed so out of character for Steven, and that was the saddest thought of all - how well did I really know him?
When I was ready to leave, I went out front and sat on the verandah. As if Craig had sensed he had to be early today, he appeared at the driveway. Climbing out of the car, he walked up to me and sat down. Before he could say anything, I started.
"Steven would like to talk to you. Don't ask me what about - I have no idea." He began to object but I didn't let him. "Craig, I know this is awkward but can you please just go inside and talk to him, okay."
My watched passed half an hour before he came back out. I stood up and again stopped Craig before he could speak. "I don't want to know. Let's just go."
I was glad we were running a little late. It meant that Craig and I not only had no time to speak, but we also had no time to worry about not speaking.
It wasn't until our first break that he came up and put his arm around my shoulders. I felt more than a little manipulated but let him lead me away from the others. "Come on. We have to talk."
That made me explode, shocking me as much as I seemed to surprise Craig. "No! I have talked to you and tried to do everything to keep you happy. I've talked to Steven and tried to keep him happy." I paused a moment, holding the tears back as hard as I could. "You guys don't know how tired I've been, being pulled in two entirely different directions. I don't want to talk anymore. All I want to do is what I want from now on."
When I took a deep breath, the need to cry disappeared. Now I just felt tired. I turned to return to the stage and heard Craig call out to me. All I could do was shake my head and keep walking. It was time to lose myself in my audience once again.
Before we all left at the end of the night, Andrea came up to me. "Debbie, I have a card here. This guy is a record producer scout - he goes around looking for new talent for the record companies - and he'd like to speak directly to you. I told him that you would call him."
She sounded unsure if she should have committed my time and I smiled at her, feeling exhausted.
"That's great, Andrea. I’ll call him first thing Monday. Thanks."
Whatever Steven had said to Craig, it seemed, was to remain a secret and as a result Craig and I were still lost for words driving home. When we pulled into the driveway I turned to him, wondering if I had done the right thing, shooting him down at the gig when he had wanted to speak to me. "I'm sorry. I feel emotional and a bit screwed up right now, like nothing is simple. I should have listened to you earlier. What did you want to talk about?"
He tried to smile but I could see so much confusion in his eyes. "I'm fine, Debs. Enjoy the rest of your week here. I'll call you."
I walked into the house feeling like a time bomb that could explode at any minute. Taking a deep breath, I walked into the kitchen to make a hot drink then into the lounge where I sat down and silently let the tears stream down my face. I couldn't pinpoint what was wrong but all in all I decided I just felt miserable and had better start putting into action 'doing what I want to do', as I had told Craig. The only problem was, I didn't know what was wrong, or what was right, with my life anymore. I felt like running away again, like I had done for those two years. Running away and forgetting who I was, who I knew, and then trying to start over again.
* * * *
Next thing I knew the lounge was lit by daylight and I was lying on the sofa with a blanket over me. It was the first night I hadn't slept with Steven in his bed. How would he feel?
Being the coward I am, I jumped into the shower before he woke up, and was cooking breakfast when he came out.
For a moment we just looked at each other, expressionless. "I was scared when I woke up in the middle of the night and you weren't there. I thought something had happened to you."
"I just fell asleep in the lounge," I answered and he nodded.
"I know. I didn't want to disturb you when I saw you ... but it wasn't the same knowing we were in the same house but in separate rooms." There was silence - I didn't know what to say. "Can you please come and sit with me a minute, okay?" he said and I felt like a student being led by the teacher to be scolded.
I sat on the sofa while he positioned himself in front of me, facing one another but with a definite gap between us. Steven took my hand in his. "I was going to wait till Mum and Dad got home before I did this but I don't want to wait any longer." He was quiet. "If I could easily get down on my knees, I would," he said and then I had a terrifying thought of what was coming. He breathed in, and with one big sigh asked me, "Debbie, will you marry me?"
Suddenly everything came together - him asking about my parents, and his wanting to talk to Craig.
"You've talked to Craig about this?" I asked, feeling betrayed by both my best friend and my boyfriend.
Steven went bright red. "Well, I wasn't sure if that was a right thing to do or not, but I wanted to do this the right way and when you said there was no way I could speak with your father … well I thought the next best person to ask for your hand in marriage would be Craig." He looked like he felt so guilty. "I felt like I didn't have any choice, D
ebbie!"
I was just overwhelmed. What was I supposed to be feeling right now - happy because I was being proposed to, or angry?
"Steven … I need some fresh air," I said and got up to go out. Before I walked out the front door, I turned to go back to him. "I'll be back soon."
Without even thinking about what I was doing, I walked and walked, until I was walking up Craig's driveway. He must have seen me coming because he opened the door before I even had a chance to knock. By the look on his face I knew he knew exactly what was going on. "Debs, calm down," he said, seeing my face, which must have been red with rage.
"He just asked me to marry him!" I blurted out. "Then I find out he's already discussed it with you! How come I'm the last person to know about it, huh?"
"Hey, come and sit down," he said, speaking softly to try and soothe me, and I did.
He continued. "Well, I guess traditionally you are supposed to be asked after he has permission from your father. But you wouldn't let him do that, which is okay - I understand your feelings on that subject." He paused. "To be honest, I was really honoured that Steven asked me for your hand in marriage. It made me feel a part of your relationship, you know? We know you've tried to keep us both happy and when we talked it was apparent that it was our fault you have been getting stressed. I think Steven did the right thing, don't you?"
"You said it was okay with you if we got married?" I asked.
He looked sad. "I really love you, Deb, and I wish that we could be together like you two are. But I know it's never going to happen, and all I want is for you to be happy. I couldn't do anything but agree to it!"
We stared at each other.
"Will you be happy if you marry him?" he asked and I couldn't answer.
"I don't know," was all I got out before I burst into tears and fell into Craig's arms.
We held each other for a long time, each in our own thoughts, and when I pulled away I saw that I wasn't the only person crying.
"We've been through so much together, haven't we," he said, trying to smile, and I wiped a tear from his cheek.
"Yeah," I replied, smiling back. "And if I accept Steven's proposal, we'll be going through a lot more together too!" He questioned me. "Well who will give me away? You've already chosen to be my father figure in this. Don't think you've done your bit yet."
"It sounds to me like you’re going to say yes," Craig said and I looked away.
"I don't know. I need a little more time to think about it. I just didn't plan on anything this serious, this young, you know?"
He nodded. "He really loves you, Debbie," he said.
"I know he does, and I love him ... but marriage? That is … forever. I don't know if I'm ready for forever … with anyone."
We hugged again. "Whatever you do, I am right here behind you," Craig said, and I felt so much better hearing it.
When I returned to Steven's home, nothing more was said about the question that day or during that week. Instead we both worked hard to just have some great times together and fell into a true living together pattern. The next Sunday was the day I packed my clothes to go back to the flat.
"Why don't you stay till Mum and Dad get here? They'd like to see you, Debbie," Steven said and I shook my head.
"It's time I got home, Steven. I have to unpack all this gear and get ready for work tomorrow." And with that I was out the door. "I'll call you tomorrow."
Chapter 13
At work the next day I phoned the record producer scout that Andrea had told me about the week before. When I said who I was, he was full of enthusiasm. "Miss King. We're so glad you got back to us," he gushed and I apologised for returning a call so late.
For the next half hour we discussed business. Their record company would like to record an album of ours, he said. Were we interested? I explained that Andrea generally looked after our business decisions but he wouldn't accept it. "But you're the heart of the group, aren't you?"
No matter what I said, or how I worded it, he seemed intent on only focusing on me as the front person for the band. Finally I stopped trying to be polite.
"Look, Andrea Wood is the manager of Total Freedom. If your company would like to deal with us, please phone her or don't phone any of us," I said and hung up. Oops, I later thought, I probably just threw away the chance of a lifetime. Well, who did he think he was, treating band members like they were nobody?
Andrea called me that night. "Debbie, did you ring this guy?" she asked and I told her I had. "Oh well, he's rung me now and would like all of us to be at his office tomorrow to discuss a contract. Do you want to do this?" she asked and I eagerly agreed. If this guy was willing to be spoken to as he had and still wanted us, who was I to argue?
"Okay, I'll phone everybody and call you back with details," she replied.
* * * *
The next morning we all sat in an office as the man I'd spoke to the day before explained to us what he wanted us to do, and how much they'd pay us to do it. They needed enough original music to fill an album, he said. Could we do it in a short span of time? I looked at Craig and then at the others, who were all looking straight back at us.
Finally we agreed that they would record and release our three singles in succession while we wrote more. "And do you want to tour the country?" he asked.
Andrea spoke up, "Okay, how's this? You promote our three songs over the next six weeks. We tour New Zealand for a month at the same time, and when we return we have an album to go ahead with," she said and we looked to each other for guidance. One by one we agreed. "Great. I'd like to take a copy of the contract to read before we sign" she said and he nodded.
"Of course."
* * * *
We had lunch together that day. "So in two weeks we are off on a month-long tour?" I asked, not yet believing what just happened, and the speed of what was about to happen.
Andrea nodded. "And they're organising and paying for everything - transport, hotels - you name it." But the big question was, did we want to sign the contract? "Well," she said, "here's what it says. Basically, we have to tour, we'll receive 50% profit on our three singles, and 35% on an album which must be ready in seven weeks. That profit is on top of the lump sum you see here for both the album and the singles." She held the contract up and we all gaped. Were we worth that much? "Before we sign, we have to be absolutely sure that all of us can go on tour, and that we can write songs in a hurry."
* * * *
On Wednesday night Craig phoned me. "Andrea took the signed contract in today, so we should get together and try to get some songs written. It's the 8th today so we'll commence touring on 22nd. I think if we do this album now it will make the concerts more enjoyable," he said and I agreed. "Are you going to be okay, being away for a month, Debs?" he asked.
"Absolutely," I replied. "Actually, this will be a good time for me to think about things objectively and make some decisions."
I phoned Steven. "Hey Debbie, what's the verdict?" he asked, referring to my career move.
"We're leaving on 22nd of this month and will return on 22nd of next." The line was silent. "I need this time, Steven, to think about us."
I heard him sigh. "I know you do, and it will be good for your audiences too. I hope we can spend some time together before you go? How about coming over tonight?" he asked and I agreed, even though I knew I should have been writing.
* * * *
As we sat with Steven's parents in their lounge, I found my mind working on new lyrics, even though I had been trying to forget it for one night. "Steven, do you have a pen and paper I can use?" I asked and he got them for me. Quickly I wrote down some words and verses. Before I knew it, I had two entire songs written. When I looked up, everyone was staring at me, with 'what is she doing?' looks on their faces.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. We have to get some new songs written and these words just entered my head."
Steven took the piece of paper from me. I felt embarrassed because some of the words
could have been interpreted as being about us. He looked at me. "Do lyrics always just enter your head?" he asked and I nodded.
"Yeah, and the funniest thing is that Craig is probably working on music right now that these lyrics will fit onto."
Steven's father looked at me and said, in a curious voice, "You know, you and Steven could work together on things like that. You do know that he is a writer … right?"
I looked at Steven, who looked like he could crawl under the sofa right in that moment, with the colour his face had gone due to embarrassment.
"What?" I asked, him, having absolutely no clue what his father was talking about, but Steven gave no explanation to me.
"He writes novels. He has already had one published and is soon to finish the second one…" Steven's father continued before Steven cut him off.
"Dad, stop," he said with a quiet force behind his words.
I looked at Steven in wonder at the realisation that I had never even thought about him having any kind of work that he did since he always seemed to be at his home whenever I talked to him.
"Why wouldn't you tell me about that?" I asked, very curious now. "Why wouldn't you want to shout that to the world?"
He looked deeply at me, his face finally starting to return to a more comfortable colour.
"It is just a hobby, and I don't want to talk about it," he said with such finality that I let the conversation rest there.
* * * *
For the following two weeks I solidly worked; I wrote and practiced with Craig and the other band members; and we played our gigs. The pub was great about our leaving and said we were welcome to play again on return if our 'heads aren't too big to fit through the door'. We laughed at that.
The night before we left I went over and saw Steven. For a week we had only spoken on the phone. Now I had to see him, and even though his parents were home, when we saw each other we went straight into his bedroom and made love like we might never see each other again.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 9