"We can't stay like this, no matter how much I want to," Craig said with such strength.
"I know," I replied and we both sighed as we got up, him to leave, and me to go and get ready for the night ahead.
* * * *
In the shower I fought to put what had happened out of my mind. The last thing I needed out on stage was a guilt trip.
I guess Craig felt the same. When we saw each other, he gave me a hug but didn't flinch at all.
The power generated that night on stage and out to the audience was awesome. I felt like the crowd was within my command I could twist them to do whatever I wanted.
Afterwards we all hugged excitedly before returning to the hotel, exhausted.
* * * *
The next day Craig came up to my hotel room and we sat in the sun on the room's balcony.
At first we seemed to have nothing to say but then Craig spoke. "Hey, I know what we did was wrong, but I don't regret it."
I smiled sadly at him. "No, neither do I. I just hope that nobody can read my face and see all the guilt I feel."
We were quiet again.
"You've asked me over and over if Andrea and I are getting on. Well, up until yesterday I thought it was no big deal that we don't have a great sex life. I thought that maybe I was just expecting too much - that there's something wrong with me." He paused and looked over the city. "But with you I felt like I never have - I know it wasn't important to you, and I know it will never happen again. But it just made me feel alive, to wonder if I can feel that way with someone other than Andrea." He sighed as if it had been a huge effort to say all that he had.
"Craig … yesterday wasn't unimportant to me. Please don't think that. You have been the greatest support and influence on my life, and what we did can't happen again - I don't want it to - but not because it was nothing. I wouldn't let it happen again because you are so important to me. I value your friendship above all others, and I have never wanted to gamble with it, in case we lose it."
He stared at me, with a look of indecisiveness. He started to say something, then seemed to reassess and not want to say it.
Then he changed his mind again and spoke up. "You have never before given me a reason why you didn't want to be with me."
"It has never been because I don't find you attractive, or I couldn't see you and I together …"
He cut me off. "But you chose Steven."
"Yes I did," I said quietly, and we sat in silence for a few minutes, looking over the vast array of buildings laid out in front of us.
I turned slowly to look at him. "Have you split up with Andrea?"
He smiled at me. "No, but I am going to after we've finished the tour. I don't want to cause any friction now - I guess I'll just keep going as if everything's great. It's only another two weeks, anyway, right?"
I was surprised at his response. "Are you sure? Are you sure this is right?"
"You say you feel great about me as a friend," he said.
"You are my most valued friend."
"But for you it just didn't feel right for you to be in bed with me, and that's how I feel about Andrea. Don't get me wrong - she is a fantastic, loving person, but there just isn't any spark." I nodded and the entire subject wasn't talked about again.
I had to hand it to Craig - he certainly knew how to act. When I saw him and Andrea together, it appeared as if nothing had changed. Either he was acting to Andrea, or he had acted with me. Either way, it didn't matter. All I wanted to concentrate on was my music, my audiences and the thought that I'd soon be home.
Chapter 29
Our last gig in Sydney was equally the most invigorating and the saddest thing I've ever had to say goodbye to. Before me were 30,000 people, singing our songs, clapping, yelling out to us - and I had to leave to go back to the quiet life. What it must be like, I thought as we left the stage, to perform before 50,000+ people!
We still had three days left to holiday before returning.
Craig and I hadn't talked again, not heart to heart anyway. But from the look on Andrea's face the day after the concert, I wondered if he hadn't already said something to her.
"Are you okay, Andrea?" I asked and she smiled.
"Yes, I am fine. Craig and I have split up and I feel a little sad about it, but we've tried pretty hard to create something that has never really been between us. At least now we can relax and just be good friends."
I hugged her. Everyone around me who I had always presumed weak were all actually very strong. Craig came up to us and hugged us both. "How about I take you two lovely ladies out to lunch?" We gathered everyone up and off we went.
That night Andrea came to me again. "Hey, can I ask you a favour? I don't want to stay in Craig's room - can I share yours?" she asked, sounding timid again.
I smiled at her. "Of course you can."
The next two days I spent worrying about Steven. Would he know? Would I tell him? I knew the more I worried about it, the more guilty I would look when I saw him.
At last the time came to leave. Before we boarded our plane, Craig pulled me aside. "Are things going to be the same between us when we get home?"
I smiled and hugged him quickly. "Yes! Of course! I can't do without my best friend, you know that."
Chapter 30
Eight hours later we were back in our home town. As we walked down the ramp to the arrival lounge I started to really feel the longing to be with my family again.
Craig and I were laughing as we entered the arrival lounge, but then his face suddenly turned very cold and very hard. "Craig, are you okay?" I asked, slowly turning to see what had caught his eye, and hear Chris running toward me.
"Mummy, mummy, you're home!"
I knelt and gave her the hardest hug I could.
"I missed you, Mum. Did you miss me?"
I was laughing and crying at the same time. "Of course I did." But through the blur of tears a vision came that almost made me wonder if this weren't a dream.
Chris picked up my view and answered my unspoken question. "Daddy's been to hospital and now he can walk (even though he's still a bit wobbly). Isn't that wonderful?"
I turned to see Craig give me a sad smile before leaving the lounge. No wonder he'd been so stunned when he came through - Steven being unable to walk had always been his downfall against Craig.
Now, as I stood up and walked to Steven, I found myself seeing a totally new person - he was a little bit taller than me, and he had the most beautiful physique.
For a moment we just looked at each other, too absorbed with each other to speak. "Aren't you going to kiss and hug?" a little voice spoke up and we laughed, before lightly kissing.
"How..?" I started to ask but Steven put his finger over my lips before kissing me again.
"Later. Right now, let's get you home."
It hadn't occurred to me how we were getting home, or how Steven and Chris had travelled all the way out to the airport. Neither of us drove.
Here came surprise number two. "Do you like our new car, Mum?" Chris piped up again. Now I was totally stunned for words. All I could do was nod and look at Steven, who seemed to be taking my shock with total amusement.
Everything was starting to feel too out of place to feel good - Steven walking; Steven carrying my luggage; Steven sitting in the driver's seat of our car, driving. Had I been away that long? I was sure it was only 10 weeks.
When we pulled into the driveway at home, Chris jumped out of the car. "Is it okay if I go over to Sandra's house?"
I tried hard to smile and said she could. As much as I wanted to be with her, Steven and I really did have a lot to talk about.
I went to walk into the house when we'd unloaded the car but Steven stopped me. "Uh uh, I have to do something we didn't do quite right the first time," he said and I questioned him. "Carry you over the threshold."
"Oh no!" I said, backing away. "You may have undergone some kind of super human transformation, but I can see you are still getting used to being
on your feet. No threshold carrying today!"
We headed inside and settled on the sofa. Being that close to Steven made me feel like I always had around him - alive and very turned on.
As he sat beside me, he looked like he thought I was going to be angry about the changes.
"I am sorry. I have been selfish to the maximum while you have been away." He paused and looked guilty, making me ask what was wrong. "I withdrew our savings to go to hospital and buy a car. I know I shouldn't have done it without speaking to you but..."
I stopped him, shaking my head. "What? No, the money doesn't matter. We've got triple that amount from my tour. What I want to know is how all these miracles happened."
He smiled. "Well, they're not exactly miracles," he said, looking guilty again. "When I had my accident the doctors said if I really worked hard I might be able to walk again, but I didn't have the courage to try, or the strength to be able to take a failure. Then, when I met you, I started to think about it more. But it was when Chris was first born that I could see how hard you pushed to keep our family together. You didn't give up." He paused again. "So I started going to see the doctors and they started me on weight machines and other therapy procedures." He was looking guiltier by the minute. "When you said you were going away for ten weeks, I asked the doctors if we could do the final push of rehabilitation. We had enough money, so I took the chance ... and did it."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked but I knew his answer before he said. It was the same answer Craig had given me when I saw him for the first time after my time away.
"I was afraid I might not do it. And if I didn't, I'd rather have forgotten it."
"You wouldn't have told me?" I asked and he shook his head.
"No."
I was starting to feel angry and betrayed, which I knew was wrong because I now had a secret from Steven that was far worse than this. I took a deep breath and went on in my curiosity. "And your driving?"
He laughed. "I had my licence before the accident. All I needed was a crash course, so to speak." We sat still and quiet for a long time. Then he spoke. "Aren't you going to say anything? Have I done so wrong?"
"No, you haven't done wrong at all. But try and imagine how I feel. This is like I don't know you. I've never stood beside you and had you look down on me; I've never been driven around by you…"
He cut me off. "No, but you've experienced all this with Craig, haven't you?" I looked at him, confused about where the mention of Craig came from. "I just got the feeling when I saw you two at the airport, that you had taken your friendship one step further."
I pulled away from him and stood up to go look out the window. What a mess my career had gotten my marriage into - that was the excuse I quickly formulated in my mind as a defence, knowing it was absolutely no excuse and my career had nothing to do with what I'd done. I fought to hold back the tears.
"If I'm wrong, I'm sorry," he said, as if asking me, so I answered.
"You're not wrong."
Slowly I turned to face him but we kept our distance. "Were you with him the whole time you guys were away?"
At first I didn't understand what he meant - of course we were together the whole time - the whole band was. Then I understood what he was asking.
"No, it was only one time."
"Do you want to be with him now?" Steven asked calmly.
"No," I replied.
"Do you think he is the person you should be in a relationship with?"
I was stunned by that question, but knew that all he wanted was honesty from me. I cried out and emphatic, "No!"
"Well then, let's forget it, shall we?"
I looked at him, unbelievingly, and he came up to me.
"All this time I have had to fight against Craig to try and be the better man for you. He's always been one up on me but you've always loved me. And I've always loved you - that hasn't changed." He paused and his face seemed to take on a strange look of relief, the one emotion I could never have anticipated seeing when he learned about me and Craig. "Who knows, maybe now you'll be out of his system."
He put his arms around me but I couldn't stop crying silently.
"Being held by you now will take some getting used to," I said and he smiled and kissed me.
"Are you kidding? We have got some serious exploring to do … in the bedroom."
We kissed long and hard and all I wanted was to feel him inside me. We pulled away from each other. "Chris could walk in at any moment," Steven said and I laughed nervously.
"Ten weeks apart - and now we have to wait longer!"
Steven took my hand and we sat on the sofa again. "Do you remember when you used to come over to my parents' house and we could always be absorbed in the television the second they walked in?" he asked and I laughed and flicked the TV on. And for a long time to follow, we held each other and kissed, breathless.
"If you keep this up, I'm going to orgasm just from this!"
He smiled. "Then let's not stop. I love to see that look of pure satisfaction on your face."
We continued until I knew I was on the verge. Steven must have read me because he lightly touched my breast and that was all it took.
"Come on," Steven said, pulling me off the sofa and into the bathroom. I turned on the shower and we started kissing each other again as we undressed.
I leaned over the vanity and we looked at each other in the mirror. "Did you do this too, before your accident?" I asked and when he shook his head I took him in my hand and guided him inside me. I watched him as he shut his eyes and let his body go with the feeling. When he stopped thrusting and opened his eyes, breathless, I smiled. "I love to see that look of pure satisfaction on your face!"
He smiled back and withdrew, turning me to face him. "Hmm. You don't know how much I've missed you!"
We kissed and then I pulled him into the shower. "Come on." We lathered each other up and kissed some more.
"Do you know what this is like?" Steven asked and I answered.
"Like we are two adolescents, experimenting with sex all over again?" I asked and he nodded.
"Except it's never as good when you're that young, as it is now."
Chapter 31
When Chris returned home, Steven and I were cuddling each other on the sofa again.
"Guess what?" she said excitedly and we questioned. "Sandra's mum has got one of your albums and was playing it when I got there." She came up and hugged me hard. "I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such a famous mum … and dad!"
We laughed at her. Then she quietened and looked sad. "What's up that is making you look so sad?" Steven asked as she cuddled into me. After a moment she spoke.
"Well, do you think I could get ... a baby sister? Or brother - I don't really mind."
Steven looked at me and I tried not to laugh. "Well, we shall see what we can do, okay?"
That seemed to satisfy her for the rest of the night and when she went to bed we also retired.
"I guess you must be really exhausted, huh?" Steven asked as I cuddled into his arms.
"Yeah, and I have to get up early tomorrow and go see the record company about our contract and other things."
I was just about asleep when Steven spoke again. "Debbie, are you going to go on tour again?"
"Do you think I should?"
He paused, giving me the impression that he wanted his view to be known, but didn't want to express it to me.
Finally he spoke up. "No. I don't want you to go away again."
"Then I won't," I answered and he pulled away so he could see my face.
"Do you mean that?"
I kissed him lightly. "When I stood up on that stage in front of 30,000 people, I felt like if I snapped my fingers I could have made that crowd do anything. Like I had absolute power. But it doesn't make me as happy as coming home to you and Chris has. And now that we're going to have another child," I took his hand and held it close to me, "I'm ready this time to be a mother - a good mother."
"Y
ou are already a great mother," he said, kissing me. "And wife." Kissing my breast. "And lover."
I had to stop him there. "Hey, we're not alone you know. Cut it out."
"Do we know for sure if you are pregnant?"
I shook my head. "I had better go in tomorrow and have the test done. At a guess, I'd say they will tell me I'm about 12 weeks on." I smiled at the thought.
"We'll have to move upstairs, you know. We can't have a baby down here with us and put Chris up there by herself," I said and Steven smiled, like he loved the twinkle in my eye.
"Let's do that next weekend, huh?"
Chapter 32
During the week that followed we, as a band, finalised the release of the last record we prepared, and visited our local to see if we could play there again.
At the start of the week Craig kept his distance, but on the third day approached me.
"Would you like to come to my house for lunch today, Debs? We haven't really talked much lately," he said and I accepted.
Driving up to his home I remembered his words from the day he first took me there - 'if you ever came back, it would be nice to have somewhere for you to stay. Somewhere special'. Thinking about that, combined with memory of our time in the band, and our time in the hotel the week or so before, for a moment I was forced to look at my relationship with Craig as a whole. Why was I with Steven when Craig and I were so close? What was it about Steven that made it so easy for me to accept him as a lifelong partner, when he and I didn't share anywhere near as much in our lives, as I did with Craig?
Craig opened his front door and welcomed me inside, then took my hand and led me into the lounge, where he pulled me into his arms. It wasn't a move toward physical, sexual intimacy - it was a hug as we'd had many times before - but I found myself wary. Not of what his intentions were, but rather my own emotions, that I was struggling with.
Total Freedom (Total Freedom Series Book 1) Page 15