41
Maggie
“So, what do you think…?”
My footsteps echoed in the huge empty space. Joe had brought me here, his hand over my eyes until the elevator doors had opened.
“You’ll have to use your imagination,” he said, drawing me over to the expansive glass windows. The view was amazing from this height. “We’ve got the entire floor,” he added, his excitement obvious. “This half will be the publication… Your foundation will have this entire space…,” he swept his hand wide. “Side by side.
We’re going to make one hell of a team.”
Over the last few weeks, Joe had worked with a drive that had exceeded my own. From the ground up, he was building a news organization all his own, entirely independent from the Decker family influence. It would focus almost exclusively on increasing awareness of worldwide hunger and disease; he had named it Hands On Deck. Word was already out, mostly from the front page features he’d run on RemedAid’s efforts. Donations and volunteers had been pouring in to both organizations ever since.
“I can hardly believe it,” I said, my breath coming in shallow pants. “It’s so much… so quickly…” I threw my arms around his neck and he kissed me soundly.
“I’m thinking… your desk over here,” he pointed to a lovely corner office with walls of old red brick framing and tall glass panels. “And me over here,” he walked me about a dozen feet away. “I want my muse close… you know, for inspiration.”
I laughed and curled against his chest. “You should take the corner, Joe. It’s bigger… more private. I won’t be around enough to get much use out of it.”
He leaned back and looked down at me. “You’ll be spending more time here than you think, Maggie. It takes a hell of a lot of desk time to run a foundation like yours. Just organizing your workers alone…”
“I’m not going to be organizing them, Joe. I’m going to be one of them. I’m putting a staff together to handle the business end. I’m going to be out there, hands-on, just the way I’ve always been.”
“You can’t head something this immense from the field, sweetheart. Not when you’re sending people halfway around the world on an assignment…”
“Then I’m going with them,” I shot back. “How can I lead the way, if I’m not there, Joe? And how can I ask them to take time away from their own lives and their own loved ones, if I’m not willing to do the same?”
“Damn it, Maggie,” he raked his hand over his head and scrubbed the back of his neck. “Do you have any idea how close a fucking call that tornado was? If you think I’m letting you fly off to third world countries without…”
“Let me…?” I snapped, cutting him off. “Let me…?”
I shook my head and pulled away. “You know how I feel about my work. This is what I do… it’s who I am. I thought that’s what you fell in love with.” I stared up into his eyes as he frowned down.
“Headstrong and reckless,” he said, nodding darkly. He took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. But you have no idea of the risks out there. Some of the areas you’re looking to serve are fucking war zones, Maggie. People with a hell of a lot more experience than you have are injured or killed every day. I had an assignment in Afghanistan before Dad died. There are things out there that no one should ever see.” He took my face gently in his hands. “You’re twenty-two years old…”
Part of me knew he was right… something deep down inside. I knew I didn’t have the experience, but I also knew that if I didn’t follow the path I’d set in front of me, that I never would. A life without some risk was a life that had never been fully lived.
I set my lips into a grim line as Dean’s warning flashed through my mind…
He’ll control the foundation, Mags… and he’ll control you.
“I don’t give a fuck about the money, Maggie.”
The argument had lasted the entire way home. “Well, it matters to me,” I muttered back. “I don’t want it, if it’s just a tool to control me. I’ll find my own funding… just like I always have.” I slammed the guest house door behind me.
“You’re being childish,” he retorted, making me bristle all the more. “To refuse my help means taking life-saving assistance out of the hands of those who need it most. This isn’t about pride. Not mine and not yours. It’s about doing the best we can, in the safest way possible. I don’t want any of the volunteers in danger, sweetheart. But you’re the only one I love. The only one I can’t take the chance of losing…”
I shook my head, my arms wrapped tightly around me. “I don’t want to lose you either, Joe. But I need you to believe in me. Not just my work, but me. I love you for loving me, but I don’t need rescuing anymore. This only works if you can see me as your partner… your equal…”
“And what about us, Maggie?” he asked gently. “We have so much history between us. And so much future ahead. Marriage and a family of our own to protect.” He reached out and put his arms around me. He lifted my chin and made me meet his eyes.
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m the one who isn’t entirely equal. I know you didn’t need me to rescue you, Maggie. But I’m damned glad I was there. I don’t ever want to wonder if you’re safe again. You have so much spirit inside you… So much courage.
I want you to stay with me, Maggie.”
“I want you to trust me, Joe.”
We ended in stalemate.
Joe went back up to the main house after I shook my head, refusing his offer of continued and generous funding. I tossed under the hot sheets for a few hours and finally gave up. I went out to sit on the porch, praying for even the hint of a cooling breeze in the night air. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew Joe was right. Well… at least in part.
I was behaving childishly, especially by refusing his offer to help. And he was right. Every dollar I turned away came directly out of the mouth of a hungry child. I wanted a life with Joe, and a family of our own someday. With babies to care for, I knew I would be just as fiercely protective as he. I could hardly fault him for that…
I walked out to the old swing, my feet bare in the long grass, and sat in the old wooden seat. I stared at the sky as I moved gently, back and forth. So many memories flooded my mind… I couldn’t imagine a life without him. He’d been the most important person in my life for as long as I could remember. And I couldn’t accept the idea that I might have to make a choice. My work was my purpose, but Joe was my life…
I couldn’t begin to imagine a future in which I’d have to turn my back on either one.
42
Joe
By three a.m., I’d given up. I climbed into the car and headed for the offices at TexStar. Bess might have had her suspicions about Maggie and me, but she hadn’t stripped me of my title just yet. I still had my privileges…
I unlocked the dark room adjoining my office. I’d had my private washroom converted when I’d first taken over as executive editor. Developing film was an archaic art, but the hands-on work soothed me somehow.
I took out a handful of undeveloped rolls of film, setting out paper and chemical baths. There were machines out there that could do most of the work on their own, but I liked handling each part of the process myself. There was satisfaction in the feel of the glossy paper in my hands, the mystery of watching the images form like magic… Several hours later, I had dozens of black and white photos hung out on a thin line to dry. There were pictures of Dean and Jackie, working side by side and smiling. Candid shots of Ryan and Henry talking to a concerned-looking mother. But mostly it was Maggie’s face that stared out at me. Crisp and striking… she took my breath away.
Maggie, looking lean and elegant in jeans and a v-neck tee.
Another with her hair tied up, businesslike and confident.
Maggie with a group of children, smiling and tossing her head. Another, as she listened compassionately to a care-worn old woman with tears shining in her eyes…
Soon the tiny room was filled, crisscr
ossed with drying photographs. Their edges curled, but the images were crystal clear. Maggie filled the room the way she filled my heart. She was everywhere I looked…
I sat staring for a long, long time as the wise words of an old college professor came back to me. He’d taught journalism for decades and I’d looked up to him, perhaps even more than I did my own father…
There’s power in every photograph you take, he’d said. You don’t have the luxury of forgetting that power, not even for a single second…
What you’re capturing is a unique, irreplaceable moment of life, one that will live on for decades, if not centuries to come. The right photograph can help people see the mundane world around them in a whole new light, allow them to understand what they see for the very first time… In a sense,
it’s like giving sight to the blind…
As soon as the photographs were dry, I gathered them up and tucked them flat into my briefcase. One fast glance around the room, and I locked the door behind me and headed out. With any luck, I could get back to the cottage before Maggie was even awake. There was something I had to tell her… something I had to show her… and it damned well wouldn’t wait. I headed out for the car. I pulled out my cell as I walked, and tapped the screen.
“Joseph?” Bess answered. “It’s about time you called.” She began to complain in a long, breathless stretch. “You leave your responsibilities and go off chasing storms, like a junior reporter… I was beginning to wonder if you were still in one piece. There was a big one that hit, up that direction…”
“I’m fine, Grandmother. All of us are,” I cut her off gently. “We have a lot to discuss… and I wondered if you’re free this evening. I have something I need to tell you…”
I ground the engine and the tires squealed, echoing in the dim parking garage. Then I hit the gas hard and headed for the cottage.
I didn’t want an all-out confrontation. But if it was the only way… I was all in.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” Jackie said. “I haven’t heard from her today. I know she planned to get together with Ryan at some point. He and Dean went over to the warehouse to pack up donations. But she hasn’t been by here.” She looked at me and smiled, draping her stethoscope around her neck. “She’s not always easy, is she?”
“No… but fuck, neither am I,” I answered. Jackie led me away from the clinic and into a more private corner. People waited patiently in a long line out the door. “I thought I could catch her before she left this morning, but she wasn’t home. And the truck was gone.”
“Blood pressures and vaccines today,” she sighed. “No matter how many people you see, the lines never seem to end… Coffee?” she offered. I shook my head.
“So, spill,” she said. “You have that trouble-in-paradise look all over you. Were you an ass, or did Maggie go mule on you?”
I laughed at her bluntness, in spite of all my concerns. “Some of both, I guess,” I answered. “She’s refusing my donations to the foundation. She’s afraid I don’t trust her to take care of herself, to make her own decisions… like I’m trying to control her.”
“Are you?” Jackie asked quietly, tilting her head perceptively.
“I don’t want her to put herself in danger again,” I said, honestly. “There’s so much work she can do right here, and more than enough just organizing daily operations… But she’s determined to keep working in the field, no matter the cost. I intend to marry her, Jackie. Isn’t it my job to keep her safe?”
“Is it, Joe?” she asked. “It’s none of my business, telling people how to live their lives. Me, least of anyone. But let me ask you this…
Is it the woman Maggie is, right now, that you fell in love with… or the woman you want her to be…?” She looked at me kindly. “Can you be sure you’ll still love her, if you try to change the very essence of who she is?”
“Sorry,” Ryan said. “She said she’d be by at some point, but we haven’t heard from her yet.” I listened as my call went to her voicemail again, and shoved the phone into my pocket.
Dean looked up over a stack of boxes at the back of the warehouse. “Who?... Hey, Joe… Please tell me you’re here to lend a hand…”
“I’m trying to find Maggie,” I said. “She’s not answering her cell.”
“Is she with Jackie? They’re supposed to be over at the auditorium today…”
“I tried the clinic. They haven’t heard from her either.” I paced impatiently. “We had a disagreement last night…”
“You mean you had a fight,” Dean said with an understanding smile. “Nobody has just a disagreement with my sister.”
“What happened?” Ryan asked, his brow furrowed.
“It was over the funding,” I admitted. “And my own goddamned failure to recognize what it was she really needed from me all along.” I looked at my brother pleadingly.
“I remember she used to disappear sometimes when she was little,” I said. “When her dad was drunk and she was afraid…” I stared hard into Ryan’s face. “You were her closest friend… if you have any idea, I’m begging you… I have to talk to her.”
“I haven’t been there for years… It’s not far from the cottage,” he answered gently. “We both went there sometimes when we were kids, when it felt like no one really understood… I can take you…” Henry came around the corner and stood next to Ryan.
“We’ll all go,” Dean said. “There are several miles of woods behind the house. We can spread out and cover more ground. We’ll find her, Joe. It’ll be all right. You two are gonna be all right.”
He clapped me on the back and nodded.
I gripped his hand, and smiled back gratefully.
43
Joe
It was already late in the day by the time we made it back to the cottage. One fast phone call and Jackie had met us there, too.
“She’s gonna be pissed as hell, with an entire search party coming after her,” she said, taking the flashlight I handed her. “We’d better pray she really needs finding, because if she doesn’t… we’re all fucked.”
Dean laughed, and leaned in to brush her shoulder with his. “You’re right there,” he said. “But it’s not like her to be out of touch for this long. I don’t see that we have any choice.”
Ryan and I headed off straight down the sloping hill into the thickest part of woods. Dean and Jackie went left and Henry would come around from the right.
“There’s a shallow rock cave near a cluster of old oaks, down at the bottom, about a mile or so in.” Ryan pointed in the fading light. “By the time we reach it, someone should have found her.”
We separated as the last of the light fled.
“Maggie!” I called out again. “Maggie…”
“If she’s inside the cave, she probably won’t hear you,” Ryan said. “We used to hide there when Maggie’s dad was drunk and in one of his tempers. He never found us… but we never heard him coming either. We’d both jump out of our skins when we saw him heading right on past us.”
“I can’t believe I was lucky enough to find her again, and thick-skulled enough to risk losing her. I couldn’t let go of feeling responsible… Hell, I still can’t. I just hope she’ll give me the chance to make it right…
If anything’s happened to her…,” I crashed noisily through the fallen leaves with Ryan at my side. “I was such a damned fool. I love her with my whole heart, but I just didn’t get it. Not until this morning. I didn’t understand… but I do now…”
“What?” he asked, catching at my arm for support. He’d stumbled over a fallen branch in the darkness.
“That she doesn’t need rescuing… and that she never did,” I answered. “What she needs from me is my support. For what she does, for what she wants… But most of all, for who she is.”
She sat, blinking up at us… as if there was nothing at all unusual about the circumstances.
“Maggie… for God’s sake…?” Dean came scrambling over to us. “What the hell wer
e you thinking? You had us all scared half to death.”
‘I left a note on the kitchen counter,” she said, looking only at me. “The truck wouldn’t start, so I had it towed.”
“You didn’t answer your calls,” Dean pressed.
“She needed some time to herself,” I said softly. She nodded up at me and smiled.
Henry caught up with the rest of us, just as Jackie took Dean’s arm. “She’s fine,” she said soothingly, pulling at him gently. “How ‘bout we give them a little privacy…”
“If you don’t mind,” I said, without breaking our locked gaze, “Go on up to the main house. Bess and I have some things to discuss… things that involve all of you. I’ll be up shortly… But I need to talk to Maggie first.”
Dean lingered a moment longer as Jackie leaned up to speak in his ear. They looked at each other and he nodded finally. The four of them began to make their way back up the hill, the beams from their flashlights sweeping and crossing the ground as they went. I sat down next to Maggie and took her hand in mine.
“I love you, Joe,” she began. “I always have… I’ve never felt about anyone the way I feel about you.” I lifted her hand up to my lips and held it there. She was warm, and her skin smelled green and fresh… like the earth. “But we’ve been apart for a long time. I can’t imagine a future without you… but I can’t give up who I am…”
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