She sits on the edge of the unmade bed and looks at me in silence for a couple seconds. I stand in front of the closed door, crossing my arms as I wait for her to speak.
“I’m not even sure how to say this.” She puts her hands in her lap and sighs. “I guess I’ll just put it out there.”
“Okay.”
“Did I do something to offend you?”
I furrow my brow, confused. “No, what makes you think that?”
“You hardly even acknowledge my existence anymore.”
Shit. I don’t know how to respond to that.
“I’m not that bad, am I?” Her voice shakes as she continues. “I mean, I’ve won some pageants. Done some modeling gigs.”
I open my mouth to respond, but she cuts me off.
“I just—it feels like you’re pissed at me, the way you’re carrying on with the crazy girl and completely ignoring me.”
“Erin’s not crazy.”
Kenna’s eyes widen with surprise. “Really? That’s your response to what I’m saying?”
“Erin and I like each other.”
“Yeah, but…I like you too. And I can’t believe you’d pick her over me.”
I shift, uncomfortable. “I never saw it like that. This thing with Erin and me…it just happened.”
“Why can’t a thing with you and me just happen?”
Fuuuuuck. I hate these kinds of conversations. There’s no way it can end without Kenna feeling rejected.
“It’s never been like that between us,” I say.
“I know, because I worked for you. But everything’s different down here. We’re free to see if there’s something more between us now.”
“I just don’t feel that way for you, Kenna. I’m sorry.”
She scrunches her face and cries then, and I feel like an epic asshole. But there’s really not a way to let a woman down without feeling this way.
“Just go,” she says through her tears.
“Hey, I—”
She puts up a hand to silence me. “I’m fine. Just go. Keep banging the crazy grocery girl, asshole.”
I press my lips closed to keep myself from responding. She’s just hurt. I hope it’ll pass, because the five of us have to live together.
That was awkward as hell. I sit on the other end of the couch from Bryce, watching the Western he has on to get my mind off the conversation I just had with Kenna.
Did she have her eye on me this whole time? Before we even ended up down here? If she did, I never saw it. If I had, I wouldn’t have kept her on as my assistant.
It must’ve looked to the outside world like I hired a hot woman to be my assistant so I could get with her whenever I wanted, but nothing is further from the truth. I hired Kenna because she came highly recommended and did a great job.
Now she’s calling me an asshole. That bridge has been burned. But then, so has every other aspect of the life I had before I got trapped down here.
Chapter Thirteen
Erin
I reach into the bowl of popcorn, taking a piece and popping it into my mouth as I study the chessboard to decide my next move.
“You always eat one piece at a time,” Derek observes from the other side of the bed.
We have the chessboard on top of a towel in what has become our room instead of just mine, and we’re sitting on either side of it. It’s only early evening, but we both needed a break in here. Kenna is on the warpath, and Bryce is sitting with Matias.
“That’s because I’m not an animal,” I say, arching my brows as I meet Derek’s gaze across the board.
He laughs as I move my pawn.
“Nice move,” he says, quickly making his next one.
“Thanks.”
“What are you missing the most tonight?”
I sigh softly. “The woods. The smells of earth and wet leaves and pine needles. The dappled sunlight sneaking through when you’re hiking and you’re coming to a clearing. And the sounds…” I close my eyes and smile at the scents I know and love so well. “The chirping and singing and humming. The way trees sound when the wind is rustling their leaves.”
“Now I’m missing it, too.”
“What would you eat for your first meal if we ever get out of here?”
He groans as he considers the options. “Oh shit. That’d be tough. Probably steak and pizza with a cold beer. What about you?”
“A big salad with grilled chicken and all the veggies. And cheese and bacon.”
Derek groans again. “Oh, bacon. I fucking love bacon. I didn’t eat it much before, but it was always there if I wanted it.”
“Maybe some cherry pie with ice cream,” I continue.
“I could scarf an entire pie right now.”
We’re all leaner than we were when our captivity began. Derek has cut way back on his running to keep the weight loss at bay, but his cheeks are hollower now. Bryce’s belly has shrunk considerably. I think we all have an awareness that extra food we eat now is food we may need later.
I’m thinking about my next move when Derek says, “The football record wasn’t really something I wanted for myself.”
I give him a surprised look. “You didn’t want it?”
He stretches out on his side, careful not to rock the bed, and then props himself up on an elbow. “I did want it. But all the time I have to think down here has helped me see that I didn’t want it for myself. It was about my mom.”
“You haven’t seen her in more than twenty years, though.”
“Yeah.” He looks down at the board. “And football was my dad’s way of channeling my anger about her leaving. It worked, but I think at some point every accomplishment became a way of proving something not to myself, but to her.”
A feeling inside me stirs with awareness at Derek’s revelation.
“I think…” He doesn’t seem able to look at me as he continues. “I think I wanted to prove to her that she was wrong for leaving me. That I was somehow as good…or even better, than her new kids. That sounds pretty fucked up.”
“No.” I reach out and cup his bearded cheek in my hand, ignoring the chess pieces that tip over. “That is so not fucked up at all, and trust me, I know.”
His gaze turns from the board to my face. “What do you mean?”
I pull my hand back, feeling that familiar urge to don my protective armor.
Dodge. Deflect. Redirect his attention.
I’ve gotten so good at avoiding questions about my past over the years. But down here, everything is different. I will most likely die down here with these people, and no one will ever have a chance to know the real me—the entire me—ever again. But Derek still can.
I pick up the chessboard and move it to the floor, the pieces spilling over as I set it down. Then I return to the bed and lie on my back next to Derek.
“You know how I freaked out about being trapped down here at first?”
“Yeah, you had me worried when you cut up your hands.”
I sigh softly, my gaze fixed on the ceiling as my heart pounds. I don’t go to this wounded corner of my mind very much anymore. It’s a dark, scary place that will always haunt me.
“I’m claustrophobic,” I continue softly, “and there’s a reason.”
Derek takes my hand as several seconds of silence pass.
“My mom was young when she had me,” I say, turning my face so I can see his. “She was seventeen. It was just her and me, at least from what I remember. I never knew my dad. And I don’t know how or when, but at some point, she became a drug addict.”
He strokes his thumb across my wrist, listening.
“We lived in a run-down two-story house. It was dirty, but I didn’t know any different. I adored her. She was my whole world.” My throat tightens as I speak the feelings that always feel raw, no matter how much time passes. “To get the money for her drugs, she would sleep with men. And before anyone came over, she would take me to the cellar.” My voice is strangled by tears.
“Oh my God.
” Derek closes his eyes. “Erin…”
“It was smaller than a basement. And so cold. There were no lights. She’d give me a cup of juice and say, ‘Stay quiet, Erin, or you’ll ruin everything.’” I can’t hold back the tears that slide down my cheeks. “And I was so scared every time. I just cried and tried to be quiet, but…there were rats and bugs, and I was just paralyzed with fear.”
“How old were you?” When Derek opens his eyes, they’re welling with tears.
“I was young. A toddler. My uncle Cal, my mom’s brother, came over unannounced one day when he couldn’t reach my mom for a few days. I was four. And I’ll never forget—” I put my fingertips over my mouth to stifle the sob I can’t control. “I remember when that door opened, and I looked up and saw him standing there, with the light behind him. He looked like an angel to me. He came running down the stairs, saying my name, and he was crying. He picked me up and held me so close and ran back up the stairs, and he told me I never had to go down there again.”
A tear rolls from the corner of Derek’s eye and into his beard. “God, I’m sorry, Erin.”
“It was a long time ago.” I smile sadly.
“No, that’s…it’s horrible. I can’t even…and then, to get trapped in here.” He shakes his head. “I am so fucking sorry for every wrong assumption I made about you.”
I sniffle and laugh. “I must’ve looked crazy.”
“Anyone would have been that way if they’d been through something so traumatic.” He brings my hand to his lips and kisses my knuckles. “Tell me what happened after that.”
“My uncle took me to the hospital, and I had to stay there for a few days. I was dehydrated and malnourished.”
“Jesus. How long had you been down there?”
“Several days. It was always several days at a time, while my mom was on these crazy benders with people upstairs.”
“And you stayed with your uncle after that?”
“Yes. Child and Family Services got involved, but he and my aunt said they wanted me and they were able to get custody. Uncle Cal never left my side in that hospital room. He became my hero. They treated me like a daughter, and their two sons were like brothers to me. I had nightmares for years and had to go to Denver for special therapy, and they were there for all of it.”
“Thank God for them.” Derek’s expression is incredulous. “And what about your mom? Did you see her after that?”
“A few times, but it was always very traumatic for me. I’d cry the entire time and wet my pants because I was so scared she was going to take me back to that house and put me in the cellar. Eventually, she stopped coming.”
“Did she ever get clean?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. My uncle never wanted anything to do with her after that. We lost touch with her.”
Derek brushes the hair back from my face and leans forward, kissing my forehead, then my nose, and then each cheek.
“How do you feel about her now?” he asks.
I sigh softly. “That’s a really big question. I have mixed emotions. Sadness and shame. Resentment and, believe it or not, still a little fear.”
Derek’s expression softens with understanding. “I get that. But you survived something horrible, and you should be damn proud of yourself.”
“I am…mostly. But I have a constant awareness that I’m different from other people.”
“Not in any bad ways, Erin. You’re an amazing person.”
I smile and kiss his lips softly. “Thank you.”
“And this is why you love the outdoors.” Awareness dawns on his face. “Wide-open spaces, fresh air…”
“Yes, it’s a big part of it. I’m uncomfortable anywhere I feel trapped. But life on a farm also gives you a great appreciation for the outdoors.”
“And you help other people discover it, too. The outdoors is the greatest therapy for some people.”
I smile. “It really is. What I went through is why I volunteer for Camp Caroline, too. Caroline was a little girl who died from child abuse. My cousins and I started the camp in her name. We find sponsors to cover the cost of camp for survivors of abuse.”
“That’s incredible, Erin.”
“I get as much out of it as the kids do,” I admit. “Probably more.”
“You help rebuild broken spirits.” Derek’s tone is filled with awe. “I just toss around a ball on a field.”
“You toss it pretty well, though.” I grin at him.
My smile fades as I think about Camp Caroline. “I hope the camp keeps growing. I guess…I must be dead now, as far as everyone up there knows.”
“It’s pretty fucking surreal, isn’t it? Thinking there could be a headstone out there with your name on it.”
I sit up in bed, combing my fingers through my messy hair. “This conversation is going to lead me to think about my family, and that always makes me sad. I need to do something to get my mind off things.”
“Say no more.” Derek puts a hand on my thigh.
I shake my head and laugh. “I’m not up for that, for once. Not after such a heavy conversation.”
He pats my leg and removes his hand. “I understand. Chess?”
“Nah, I’m burned out.” I consider. “Why don’t we make up a new recipe, and then we can deliver some to Matias on a plate we can tape to the remote-control car? He might get a kick out of that.”
“I like it. Maybe some pumpkin nut beef jerky balls?”
“Mmm,” I say sarcastically. “Rolled in uncooked oats.”
“Who needs a fuckin’ steak when I can have that?”
We both laugh as we scoot out of bed. If we don’t make light of our situation, it gets stifling. Derek is always good at helping me get out of a funk by bringing up the mood.
I hope when the time comes, I die before him.
Chapter Fourteen
Derek
I’ve never needed a weight room so badly. The urge to lift heavy, to grind out a workout so intense I can’t move the next day, is so strong I can feel it in every cell of my body.
“I love you, even though I’ve never been good at saying it,” Matias says weakly. Erin transcribes every word onto the top page of the notebook in her lap. “I’m still better at basketball, though. And you’re still a douchebag.”
His lips tilt up in a smile as he thinks about the letter he’s dictating to one of his brothers. Thank fuck, this is the last one of the letters he’s doing for each of the four of them. He did his parents first, and listening to that ripped me apart inside.
I need to feel my muscles burning with exertion. To squat weight so heavy I’m not sure I’ll be able to stand back up.
“Love, Matias,” he finishes.
Erin sets down the pen and gives him a forced smile. “You did great.”
“You guys can feel free to make shit up, too. Tell my family I was a total badass who ran into a burning room to save a bunch of kittens or something.”
I lean forward in the chair I’m sitting in beside his bed. “You are a badass, man. One of the strongest people I’ve ever known.”
Matias’s smile reaches his eyes. “Will you get my family Dolphins tickets when you get out of here?”
“I’m still planning on getting you Dolphins tickets, pro. And they’re all included in that.”
His happy expression fades. “I can feel things changing inside me. It’s all I can do to stay awake for a few hours a day anymore. And sometimes, I’m not even thirsty.”
“None of that means anything,” Erin says, reaching for his hand. “There are no quitters down here, Matias. You have to stay strong.”
“It’ll be time to stop fighting soon.” He squeezes her hand. “And it’s okay.”
I could knock down an entire team right now. The bitter sadness coursing through my veins needs an outlet. I can’t let it show in front of Matias, though. Erin has to be holding it together through sheer force of will, too.
When Matias asked if he could dictate these letters to her, she didn
’t hesitate to say yes. Even though she puts on a good face for him, she knows his condition is worsening. He seems to be hanging in a state where his mind is good and his energy level still allows him to be awake for several spurts a day, but the swelling has gotten bad. His body is building up waste. It’s only a matter of time now.
“When you guys get out of here, tell my Grandma Rosa I wanted my last meal to be her tamales, will you?”
Erin turns to me, and I see her weariness from holding back her feelings for the past two hours as we sat here. I thought the least I could do was sit beside her as she did this sad task.
“It’s time for your water,” I tell Matias, standing up. “You need anything else, man?”
He shakes his head, his eyelids looking heavy.
Erin follows me out of the room, closing the door behind us. She goes across the great room to the kitchen, where she sets the notebook and pen on the counter and then braces both hands against the surface and cries.
I’m heading across the room to comfort her, but Kenna beats me to it. She surprises the hell out of me by putting a palm on Erin’s back.
“That was a great thing you just did,” she says.
Erin nods through her tears.
“I’ll take your next shift with him,” Kenna offers.
“You don’t have to.” Erin steps away from the counter and wipes her cheeks.
“I know. I want to. Go get some sleep, okay? He’s not going anywhere for at least a couple days.”
“How do you know?” Erin’s voice shakes with emotion.
“I volunteered at a hospice place in college. There are signs when death is imminent, and I don’t see them in him yet.”
“What are they?” Erin turns to face Kenna.
“They refuse food and drink. Their skin can take on a mottled look. Then they fade away, start breathing slower and slower. Eventually, they stop.”
“Will he…suffer?” Erin’s emotional tone guts me.
“I really don’t think so,” Kenna says. “It may take a while, because he’s so young and his heart is strong, as far as we know.”
Erin nods.
“Go sleep,” Kenna says again. “I promise things won’t be any different when you wake up.”
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