“Do I?”
“It wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself for everything bad that happens to the people you care about. Tennessee, not Becca. Not any of it. You have to know that.” Words wouldn’t be enough, she understood that. “You have to accept that there are things you can’t control.”
“Like you have? Sweetheart, the last person who should be lecturing about acceptance of fate, is you.”
She stiffened. “What do you mean by that?”
“You know what I mean. You have to admit that you try to control everyone. I’ve seen some of your not-so-great moments, remember.”
“I don’t try to control anything.” At least, she hadn’t let herself in the past eighteen months. It was something she’d actively tried not to do since the day she’d arrived at the St. Louis PAVAD building and realized her father was still alive.
When she’d lost him the first time, something in her had snapped. After that day, she’d had to know where the people she cared about were and what they were doing. She’d gone way overboard, and had even started having panic attacks when she’d have to go to school and leave Gracie with a babysitter.
She’d been utterly convinced her mother was going to hurt the baby. Even her stepfather’s assurances that Gracie would be safe hadn’t really helped. It had gotten to the point where he’d carried her to the school bus every day for the longest time.
Finally, the school she’d been attending had insisted her mother take her to counseling. That had lasted just long enough for her to relax about Gracie a little.
But her need to control things had continued throughout her life, and when she’d discovered her father and realized the truth—that everything she’d been able to control hadn’t mattered in the long run—she’d forced herself to let go of some of the reins.
It hadn’t been easy. And when she’d learned her father had gotten her best friend pregnant after only knowing her a few weeks, she’d definitely suffered a bit of a setback.
She’d been so angry with them then. She’d only just accepted the changes that were inevitable when she and Ally had almost died in the lab explosion.
She’d definitely learned her lesson about control that day. “I’m not going to fight with you, Josh.”
He rolled, pillowed his head on his arms. “Why not? A good fight is always cathartic, and…we can have a few makeup make-out sessions.”
“You realize this isn’t junior high, right?” And she’d not participated in those make-out sessions, anyway.
“I skipped junior high. Went straight into high school. Rapid acceleration.” There was just enough moonlight shining in through the window from the clear night sky to outline him in a strange glow. “Want to help me experience it? Spin the bottle?”
She almost laughed. This teasing Josh was the one she was used to—though he’d never quite teased her about this subject matter before. “That would be a great one to suggest to my dad.”
“Hey, you and I are both consenting adults. Hell, we’re older than J.T. and Emma and two guesses what they’re probably out there doing right now? We should have brought an extra tent…”
“Ugh. So don’t want to think about it.”
“I think about it all the time. Oh, not about J.T. and Emma, because, well, that just crosses boundaries I’m not going to think about. But…well…I won’t lie to you. I’m not lying when I say I’ve been thinking of things since Tennessee. Since the night we got back.”
“Uh…” Ok, she had just about convinced herself things were possibly getting back to normal between them. And then he threw that into the equation. “Josh…”
“I know. You don’t have to squeak at me. Let’s not think about it, let’s not deal with it. Let’s both just continue to avoid the subject altogether. Eventually, it’ll just all go away. That’s how you think…Go on. Bury your head under the pillows. I won’t stop you—this time. But we will talk about this.”
He sat up and leaned over her so suddenly she couldn’t even think to react. He was just there.
He wore a simple tank top and pajama pants. Kelly spread the fingers of both hands wide over his chest. “What are you doing?”
“Woman, are you truly that naïve? What do you think I’m doing? Admit it, you’ve been thinking about this since the moment we were leaning against that tree. I’ve been thinking about it since the night I slept on your couch. You need a longer one, by the way.”
“You must have hit your head recently. And at least I have a couch and not a futon.” She couldn’t really do anything to stop him, could she? If she got too loud in protesting, she’d wake the entire RV full of kids.
That was an excuse, and she knew it.
Maybe it was the moonlight, or the smell of him so close—or maybe it was something she couldn’t put her finger on—but the very idea of what he was about to do, wanting to do, excited her. Had her words coming out a bit more breathless than she’d intended.
This was Josh. This was Josh, and this was crazy. But she didn’t push him away, and she didn’t call out for help from her father only a dozen feet away, behind a thin wooden door.
One yell and her dad would be clobbering Josh, she had no doubt about that.
Maybe that was a part of it. Maybe they’d suddenly morphed into two stupid teenagers sneaking around her father’s back.
Or maybe they were just two injured people searching for a bit of a reprieve from the wounds that just wouldn’t seem to heal.
That was always a possibility, wasn’t it?
Whatever it was, the moon shining through the windows just made it seem all that more surreal. Like it was just the two of them, lost once more in the woods, this time without a pair of serial killers on their trail.
This time made it about them, about what could be there if they just let it.
And that—more than anything—was what terrified her. And kept her from wrapping her arms around him and diving in, taking exactly what it was he was offering. Instead, she somehow managed to keep some distance between them.
Distance they both felt.
His lips brushed hers, but it wasn’t anything like what it had been out on that trail. The promise was still there, as was the heat. But he didn’t push her.
And she really appreciated that.
When he’d stepped back and settled down on the pullout sofa again, something was different between them again. The awareness was still there.
She still knew exactly what it was he was wanting. But the nerves that had kept her, so restless earlier were gone. Josh wasn’t going to push her more than she could handle. She knew that.
And if she told him to never even think about kissing her again, that it was never going to happen, he would respect that. No matter what.
She tossed him the extra pillow. He caught it easily. “Go to sleep, Josh. We’ll be up at the butt crack of dawn, I’m sure. The babies and Aislin are always up super early. As is my dad.”
“Sure you don’t need me to keep you warm tonight?”
“I think I’ll manage just fine.”
Chapter 21
He should have been there!
From the first time she had ever entered Smokey’s, she’d known that whenever Josh’s team was in town he was at Smokey’s for open mic night. And she knew he was in town. She’d driven through the PAVAD parking lot after her shift had ended, and most of their cars were there. Where was he?
She still hadn’t figured out where he was living yet. And she’d been hoping to see him tonight. And not just because she’d planned to follow him home. She understood why he moved so frequently. He was building quite a bit of a nest egg for the two of them. And she understood that; she honestly did. But he should have made it easy for her to find him after each move. Didn’t he know how much pleasure she received by seeing him on her drive home from work every day?
And tonight…tonight she had been planning to actually talk to him, to ask how he was doing since Tennessee. She had heard rumors that he
wasn’t taking it very well. And she had to wonder—what had happened to him out there?
Agent Cody was there again. Always there, wasn’t she? Laughing with all the men, getting them to buy her drinks. Why couldn’t she be that popular? She’d never had men fawning over her the way that big man, Agent Chalmers, was hovering over Agent Cody. They looked very good together. He was about Josh’s size, but Josh was lean. Agent Chalmers most definitely was not. He’d probably get all fat and soft when he got older. And Agent Cody…she was about the same height as she was, wasn’t she? But Cody had curves—the kind that men seemed to love.
Maybe Cody would end up all fat someday, too.
That wasn’t exactly a charitable thought, was it? Agent Cody had always treated her with respect when they’d worked together. And what did it really matter? As long as Cody left her Josh alone, why should she have any problem with her?
She waited until she saw Agent Cody slip off to the restroom, and she followed her. It would be reasonable, believable, for her to ask casually how Agent Cody’s friend was doing, wouldn’t it?
Of course it would if she asked it just right.
The other woman was washing her hands when she walked in.
“Hello Agent Cody, how are you this evening?”
“Good. How are you?”
“I’m fine. So I take it everything worked out for your friend, John, the other night?” She hated misnaming him but…she needed information.
And Agent Cody was going to give it to her.
Chapter 22
For the first time in days, Josh wanted to laugh. He wasn’t exactly certain how deeply he meant what he’d said—or done—to Kelly today, but there wasn’t anything telling him he was wrong for doing it. No little voice whispering he was nuts, or telling him that he was making a big mistake. None of that.
And as he watched her pull the blankets up around her ears, he knew that that voice wasn’t coming. Ever. He laid back and thought for a moment.
He wanted the one woman he could consider his best friend. Wanted her bad. He probably always had, but she gave off such strong signals that he’d stayed back. At least in the romantic department.
Or maybe it had been because he’d been too raw after losing Becca to even think about a woman. Despite what the rumors said, he and Becca hadn’t been romantically involved. They’d just been friends. But when he’d found her body there that day, he had been the one to give the official identification and notification to her mother, something in him had been lost.
It wasn’t until Kelly had transferred to the division that he’d found it again, and he’d known that for a long time. He’d opened up to her in ways he hadn’t anyone else—male or female. Maybe he’d needed the friendship more than the romantic those first few years.
That was entirely possible. Maybe he had been the one to put up the barrier between him and Kelly romantically.
But things changed, didn’t they? And didn’t they owe it to themselves to explore those changes?
That night he’d held a twelve-year-old boy dying from radiation poisoning caused by his own father something else had shifted in him. A need for something far greater than he could identify.
Connection. Grounding. Something to show that he meant more than just being a faceless, nameless person in the crowd.
To show him that he mattered.
And there she’d been that night. Worried for him. Beautiful, snarky…concerned and caring. Loving him.
He’d wanted to yell at her, to pick a fight. To see how far he could push her before she left him. To pull out an exact measure of how much he mattered to her. How much it would take to make her walk away.
But he hadn’t.
And then she’d held him.
And then came Tennessee, followed so quickly by another victim in Becca’s case. And Kelly vulnerable, right there in front of him.
Maybe he’d overreacted last night on the pier. He didn’t think so, but after he’d left there, he’d driven around for hours. Just thinking.
He’d ended up turning down Dan’s street, a part of him ready to knock on Kelly’s door. To talk. To fight. To do anything to make himself feel alive—to reassure himself that she was alive.
He’d sat there watching her house for a few hours. No one had even noticed.
No one had even noticed him.
It had taken him a while to admit to himself that that was the way his life had become in the years since he’d lost his mother.
He didn’t want it that way any longer. He wanted someone to at least care where he was. He wanted someone to touch when he needed to touch. Like Dan and Ally. Like J.T. and Emma…
And he wanted someone in his life to hold and to cling to when he needed it.
And he wanted to hold someone when they needed it, too.
The first person he thought of when he thought of that was the woman snuggled up in the dinette just right there, almost within his touch.
It made a man think, didn’t it? About what he truly wanted?
What did he want?
The one certainty he had was that he didn’t want to be alone.
He didn’t just want anyone though…
He wanted Kelly.
Chapter 23
He didn’t know how she did it, but Kelly was an absolute master at avoidance. He should have figured she was. She’d had years of practice at it, hadn’t she?
Somehow she managed to keep him at bay while sharing a less than three hundred square foot space with him and a million other people.
If it hadn’t been so frustrating, it would have almost been amusing.
S’mores hadn’t mattered. Campfire stories with kids everywhere hadn’t mattered. Hikes through the woods—those definitely hadn’t mattered. Though she was obviously ill-at-ease on the first one. He’d tried to separate her from the others to talk, but she’d kept Gracie and Emma in between them.
He couldn’t have the kind of discussion he wanted with two more red-headed green-eyed females watching.
And she’d always kept someone between them.
Frustrating.
But after the second night he knew he wasn’t about to give up.
They had to at least try…
But how was he supposed to capture that woman long enough for them to even discuss it?
Chapter 24
Monday was just the same as any other. They had their early morning briefing scheduled. Josh had twenty minutes to find Kelly before that time. He knew she was in the building somewhere—he’d memorized her schedule.
They were going to talk the first chance they got. But it wasn’t going to be on PAVAD premises. No, he’d simply tell her he was taking her to lunch—provided his team wasn’t sent out after briefing—and they’d discuss it then.
Maybe they could do something normal like have an actual date. He rather liked that idea.
But first he had to find her.
She was in the small office she shared with Ally. Marianna Dennis was the official head of the lab. She had Richison and Ally as department heads. Then there were six assistant supervisors. Kelly was one of them, in charge of the biochemistry/forensics team, with her stepmother as her supervisor.
It was the same office where she and Ally had almost died.
He’d heard the alarms, and then he’d seen her father rushing into the smoke. And he’d known Dan was going for his daughter. And the woman Dan obviously cared about.
Josh had followed his friend into the smoke.
And he’d found Kelly hurt. Where she’d covered her stepmother with her own body to protect her. Because Kelly loved her.
His admiration for her had grown that day, too.
And he’d stayed with her, held her. Been there after the first surgery she’d had a year or so ago.
Because he loved her.
Now he wanted to explore just how he loved her. Was that so wrong?
He entered her office. She was there, hanging up her bag and sipping a Dr. Pepper. She
was addicted to it in the mornings.
For her on-the-clock hours, she dressed in more subdued clothing—still the same dark color choices—and had her hair braided down her back.
She was slipping into a white lab coat. Apparently she’d be in the lab today instead of doing paperwork. She looked up at him.
“Josh. Good…good morning.” There was a slight pink to her cheeks. He didn’t think it was sunburn. “What are you doing in here?”
Sudden nerves hit him. That and the urge to grab her and kiss the pink away. “I wanted to see if you were available for lunch. No. I was going to say, ‘you’re going to lunch with me, today.’ But I figured you’d have a problem with the command.”
“And I would. And no. I can’t…” She hesitated. “I have to work. There’s a rush order on these samples. I’m going to pick something up out of the vending machines when I get a chance.”
“What kind of rush is there that you can’t eat lunch?” Ally wasn’t that much of a dictator. He knew that. “What case?”
Her hesitation deepened. “They found another body, Josh. And they’ve asked me to oversee the transfer of the evidence from St. Louis Metro’s lab.”
“What case?” He had a feeling he already knew.
“The Silvio case. The woman was a twenty-two-year-old med student named Lynn Walker.”
“When?”
“Apparently when we were camping. Agent Hellbrook asked for everything to be transferred here.”
“I see.” He hadn’t been told. Why?
Chapter 25
He went straight to his unit chief’s office. Hellbrook was already hard at work on the paperwork though the team wasn’t due in for another hour and a half.
“You’re here early.”
“Was looking for Kelly. I found her, too.”
Hell looked at him for a long moment. “I see. I wasn’t hiding it from you. We’re not sure it’s the same unsub. I asked Dr. Reynolds to oversee the cataloging personally because I knew that if it isn’t the same person, you’ll trust her judgment.”
Ghosting (PAVAD: FBI Romantic Suspense Book 10) Page 6