I put the phone on vibrate and stick it in my back pocket.
Jewell opens her arms to me and I go to her. “We didn’t even get to say good-bye, did we?”
Her tears revive my own.
“Life is so precious,” Jewell says in a sob. “So short.”
We hold on to each other until the wave recedes. Jewell’s smoothing my hair back when I see Mom turn the corner. “Your father and I are ready to go,” she says. “If you are.”
I want to stay here now. Be close to Swan.
Jewell backs off, wiping her eyes. I ease Swanee’s door shut behind us, but for the life of me, I can’t release the handle. Can’t let her go.
I say to Mom or Jewell, “Swanee borrowed some things from me.”
Jewell asks, “Do you need them today?”
“No. I can come back.” I need to come back.
“Come tomorrow,” Jewell says. “Call first.” She walks over to Mom, who’s balancing Ethan on her hip, and tenderly touches his chubby cheek with the undersides of her fingers. “Hey there, sweet cakes,” she coos.
Ethan whines a little, and then winds up to let loose. “He’s tired,” Mom says.
Jewell twists her head to meet my eyes over her shoulder. “You’re always welcome here, Alix. Don’t be a stranger.”
Chapter 4
My mother obviously has a sixth sense. I never told her I had a girlfriend, but one morning at breakfast she asked, “When do we get to meet her?”
I felt blazing heat rising up my neck. “Who?”
Mom checked her BlackBerry. “What about Friday night? You could bring her home for dinner.”
I muttered, “We’re going out.”
“Go out after dinner,” Dad said. It wasn’t a request.
Our relationship was so new and fresh, I didn’t want anything to spoil it. What if she didn’t like them, or vice versa? Surprisingly, Swanee seemed kind of flattered by the invitation.
She must’ve smoked a ton of weed before she came, though, because she couldn’t stop giggling and her eyes were bloodshot. I could see Mom and Dad exchanging glances.
During dessert, Dad asked, “Where are you two going?”
“Ice-skating,” Swanee said.
Really? I thought we were going to a party. Skating sounded much more fun.
On the way out, Dad pulled me aside and handed me his keys. “You drive.”
I snagged Swanee’s sleeve and told her, “I have to drive.”
She covered her mouth and snort-giggled through her fingers. “Busted,” she said. “Wha’ gave me away?”
Her slurred speech? The bottle of patchouli she’d bathed in.
The next morning I got a text at 6:48 AM:
I picked up my car after my run. Your dad’s a total a-hole. Do your parents hate me?
No, of course not, I texted back. My dad has strict rules about DUI or riding with anyone who isn’t sober
I was perfectly fine
Except she fell asleep before we even got there. What I didn’t add is that is one of Dad’s rules I actually agree with.
The next day Mom told me she and Dad wanted to get together with Swanee’s parents. “Why?” I asked. Were they going to rat her out?
“Because that’s what parents do,” Mom said. “They get to know one another.”
In what century?
“Oh my God!” Joss shrieked when she heard. “Can I go? I have got to see this.”
“Can she?” Swanee asked me.
“I don’t know why not. Ethan will be there.”
“What about Genjko?” Swan asked. “He is the family conversationalist.” Joss cracked up.
I hoped that meant they weren’t serious.
It ended up he didn’t come, thank God. I admit I was already more than a little worried about Mom and Dad’s reaction to Jewell and Asher. Swanee’s parents are free spirits—in an ultracool way. Asher has a long ponytail, and Jewell shows off a lot of skin with her fake-bake tan.
The evening turned out okay. Swanee wasn’t high, and neither was Joss. Aside from the bottle of wine that Jewell and Asher put away, everyone was on their best behavior.
The next time I saw Jewell, she asked, “Did we pass inspection?”
My face flared. “With flying colors.”
Mom and Dad never talked about the Durbins, even though I had a strong suspicion they didn’t approve. And Swanee was careful never to come over again stoned, which I appreciated. If Mom or Dad had forbidden me to see her, it would’ve been all-out war.
LT’s messages go on and on.
6:10 AM: I left you 2 vms. Wassup?
6:15 AM: You were going to text me before you left. Remember?
12:02 PM: Are you having fun? Wish I could’ve gone with you to Keystone today. Next time
“There won’t be a next time,” I think out loud. Who is this?
2:12 PM: Call me when you get home. Te amo, mi amore
Swanee was taking Spanish this year as an elective. Personally, I plan to take something fun like photography or screenprinting.
Amore, I repeat to myself. Doesn’t that mean love?
There were texts throughout last Saturday, into Sunday, and the whole next week. I lie in bed and try to scan them all. A lot are half English, half Spanish.
8:23 AM: Mass this morning then my little bro’s b-day party at Chuck E. Cheese’s . I probably won’t see you this weekend. CALL ME. Te extraño mucho
Monday. 9:03 AM: I’m texting in Am. Hist. Snooze alert. Where are you?
In an urn, I think.
11:45 AM: Call me. Text me. I’m on my way to lunch, but I’ll keep my cell on
1:34 PM: Why haven’t you called? Are you OK?
“No,” I say. “She’s not okay.”
2:10 PM: Practice. But I’ll be done by 3. CALL ME. I left you 100 vms
An exaggeration. Still, I wish I could listen and see who this person is.
3:22 PM: What did I do? Are you mad at me? Please, Swan.
Tell me what I did
It’d be a kindness to call this LT person and let her know Swanee will not be returning calls or texts.
I’m startled when my cell rings. It’s after midnight.
“Would it be okay if I came over?” Joss asks. “I need to get out of this fucking asylum.”
I feel for her, but I can’t wallow in her grief, plus mine. Plus, I don’t think Mom and Dad would be too thrilled about her showing up at this hour.
“I’m tired,” I tell her.
She hesitates a moment, and then disconnects.
Another text comes in from LT:
Please, Swan. Call me. Le amo con todo mi corazón
Whatever that means.
My curiosity gets the best of me. I hit Recent Calls and redial Joss.
“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” she says sarcastically.
I deserve that. “Do you know anyone with the initials LT?”
She pauses. “Why do you ask?”
I could tell her I stole—borrowed—Swanee’s cell. Or not. “I saw the initials in Swan’s room when I was in there.”
“Who gave you permission to go in her room, anyway?”
“No one. I was just…” Trespassing? Trying to resurrect her from the dead? Joss was either barred from the room or had more respect than I did.
“Who’s LT?” I ask again.
“Where did you see the initials?”
Where? “On a piece of paper.”
There’s such a long pause, I think Joss has left me hanging.
“Joss?”
“You don’t want to know who she is,” she says.
“Why?” I ask.
She disconnects again. God, she can be so irritating. On Swanee’s cell, I open her contacts list. Great. Her entire list is initials only. AVP. That’s me. Alix Van Pelt.
AD. Asher?
GD. Genjko?
JD. Joss or Jewell? Must be Jewell, because Joss got her phone taken away for sending lewd photos to some guy.
&
nbsp; LT. She’s in here.
RC. Rachel?
Swan doesn’t have a very long list. Five or six more contacts.
Another text comes in. Why does she keep calling? Surely she knows Swanee is no longer available to take calls. Her death has been in the newspaper and on TV. How could anyone be so out of touch?
I suppose there could be a simple explanation. LT was out of town. She doesn’t read the newspaper. She doesn’t live in Colorado—except she mentioned Keystone.
I read the latest text.
Please. Please tell me what I did. Please, Swan. Le amo con todo mi corazón
I get up and grab my laptop off my desk, turn it on. I Google the Spanish phrase.
My breath catches in my throat: I love you with all my heart.
Even though it’s the middle of night, I’m wide awake. For some unknown, ungodly reason, I reply to her text:
Hey
Immediately, I get a response.
OMG. OMG. OMG. Where have you been?
I reply:
Here. I’ve been right here
She goes on:
Why didn’t you answer? Why didn’t you call?
I reply:
I lost my cell
For a week? Why didn’t you use cell tracker?
I smack my forehead. Stupid answer.
My iPad’s on the fritz
OK. Sorry. Hope you get it working
That sounds like she doesn’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me, either.
She texts:
When can we meet? I have a game every night this week, but what about Saturday?
What kind of game? I wonder. What kind of game is she playing? Te amo. I’m so sure.
I text her:
We’ll talk tomorrow
“Shit,” I think aloud. That was a dumb thing to say. Now what?
She texts:
You sure you’re OK? You sound mad
I’m not mad
I don’t text: I’m dead.
Tomorrow we will talk and I’ll get to the bottom of who this LT person is. I’ll tell her about Swanee and be done with it.
She texts:
Duerma con los angelitos, querida
I Google the translation: Sleep with the angels, sweetheart.
Chapter 5
Swan’s phone dings at 7:10 AM:
Buenos dias, amore. How was your run? We’re off to Mass, but I’ll get away later so we can talk. Maybe meet? I miss you so much
I don’t text back. And I don’t call. Last night I turned off Location Services so no one can track Swanee’s cell using her GPS. I notice Swan’s battery is nearly drained, and I know the best thing to do would be to just let the cell die. Burn it and bury it with Swanee.
I page through her texts to find the last one I sent her.
Friday. The day before.
What time do you want me there in the morning?
For snowboarding at Keystone. Which we never did. Keystone. How would LT know about Keystone? I feel so confused and sad and empty, all at once. I plug in to my nano to let my music drown out the grief. Unfortunately, most of the songs on my playlist are the ones Swanee loaded, and that only intensifies the pain. Removing the earbuds, I cover my head with my pillow. I must fall asleep because the sound of my name jolts me back to consciousness.
The door opens wider.
“Alix? It’s almost noon,” Mom says.
So what? Time is irrelevant.
“Jewell’s on the phone. She wants to know what time you’re coming over to get your things.”
It takes me a moment to clear my head. I scramble out of bed and realize I’m wearing the same clothes I wore to Swanee’s service.
Mom’s disappeared.
Downstairs, Dad’s at the table reading the paper, while Ethan is making a gaggy mess of his breakfast. Mom motions me to the cordless, which she set on the breakfast bar.
I grab it and head into the living room. “Hi.” I clear my throat.
“Alix, we decided last night to go to Hawaii. We’ve been saving up for a vacation, and now is as good a time as any. We need to get out of here and, you know, regroup. We’re leaving in a few hours, so if you want your things, could you come over and get them?”
“Yeah, of course.” I want to ask if I can go with them. To… regroup. “I just need to get dressed.” Rather, changed. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
A duffel nearly clobbers me as it’s tossed down the hall, but Asher yanks me out of the way. “Watch it, Genjko.” Then he says to me, “Sorry about that.”
Genjko’s anger is palpable. He rarely leaves his room, so I’m sure he’s being coerced to go on this trip.
“Take whatever’s yours and I’ll donate the rest to Goodwill,” Jewell says to me.
“No!” Joss cries, dumping her backpack on the pile of luggage. “Everything she has belongs to me.”
Jewell says coolly to Joss, “What makes you think that?”
“She was my sister.” Joss’s voice trembles.
“We don’t need bad karma in this house,” Jewell replies. “Right, Genjko?”
He storms out the door. I wonder how he feels about Swanee’s death. Or about anything at all.
Joss pushes past me and slams out after him.
“There’s a set of keys under the ceramic frog on the front porch,” Jewell tells me. “Just lock up on your way out.”
I stand and watch until they drive away. The heater cranks off with a hiss, jarring me out of my stupor.
My footsteps creak as I walk down the hallway. Swanee’s door is closed, the same way I left it. I brought an empty backpack, and as I begin to slog through the flotsam and jetsam of Swanee’s life, I notice there’s more of me here than I thought. Swan borrowed a pair of sweats and jeans and two long-sleeved thermal shirts. A lot of the button jewelry I made her is strewn haphazardly across the floor, along with library books that will eventually be overdue.
My knees go weak and I have to sit. Then lie down. I bundle a blue sweatshirt under my head and curl into a ball. “Why did you have to die?” I whisper.
Silence presses against my body and a tear rolls out of the corner of my eye.
“I need you. I love you.”
My cell jingles in my bag. The ringtone for Mom. I let it go to voice mail and stay still until I begin to shiver from the cold of the floor, or the lack of human warmth. I retrieve my phone and listen to Mom’s message:
“Are you almost done? I need you to do some grocery shopping for me.”
Chores, chores, chores. Swanee never had any chores or responsibilities.
Mom adds at the end, “I’ll leave the list on the fridge.”
Lists, lists, lists. I’d been living under a fascist regime until I met Swanee and saw the light of liberation.
I want to memorize every square inch of this room. My cell is in my hand, so I snap pictures.
I have dozens of pictures of Swanee on my cell. Goofy shots of her making faces, sticking out her tongue or crossing her eyes; candid shots of her in the moment. A close-up of us kissing.
I need to stop torturing myself, but I can’t let her cell die. Her charger is plugged in to the wall, so I pull it out and drop it into my bag. On my way to the door, my foot crunches a CD. I bend over to pick it up. There’s no label. Only a line written in permanent marker:
♥ LIANA
Before I even make it home, Swan’s cell pings. I swerve to the curb and read it while I’m idling.
Hi. You didn’t call me. I left you a vm. Did you get it? I can probably get away to meet you later today. If you want. Call me. Por favor!
I text back:
Where do you want to meet and when?
She texts:
Our regular place? Like, 4:30?
Shit. What’s their regular place?
I text:
Let’s go to a new place. I have something to tell you
There’s a long pause before her next text arrives.
Is it good or bad?<
br />
When I don’t respond right away, she texts:
If it’s bad, I don’t want to come
She has to. She needs to know.
She texts again:
Good or bad, I don’t care. I miss you. Let’s meet at Twin Peaks
What’s Twin Peaks? Dad would never let me drive in the mountains by myself. Screw that. I need to meet her. I text:
OK
She texts:
In front of the theater. 4:30?
Fine, I text.
Te amo
I don’t even know what to say to that. I text:
See you
Suddenly, it hits me. Facebook. I’ll find her there. At least now I know her first name, assuming LT is Liana from the CD.
Dad practically assaults me as I’m coming through the garage door. “What took so long?” he asks.
Hello to you, too.
He shoves the grocery list at me, along with a fistful of cash, and then heads for the stairs. I can see why he’s in a hurry, and a mood. Ethan has icky diarrhea that’s running out the side of his diaper and down Dad’s arm. “Thanks for helping out,” he says.
If he’s being sarcastic, I can’t tell.
I think illegible handwriting must be a course in medical school, because Mom’s scrawl is impossible to decipher. I finally figure out that “park chips” is pork chops. Is “bd” bread or baby diapers? I’ll buy both.
By the time I get home from Safeway, the house is quiet. Dad’s in his office working and Ethan must be napping. Dad left me a note on the kitchen table:
If you could start the laundry, I’ll buy you a Mercedes.
His idea of a joke. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked for a car so we wouldn’t have to share. He always has the same excuses: more car payments, exorbitant insurance costs, we don’t need three cars, blah, blah.
Swanee told me she got her Smart car the day she turned sixteen. She even got to design it herself, online. Coolest car in the world.
Downstairs in the laundry room, there’s a mountain of clothes to be sorted and washed. If Mom and Dad expect me to do them all, I’ll be here for a week. I stuff as many clothes as possible in one load and pour in a cup of detergent.
Then I sprint upstairs and grab my laptop. Propped against the headboard, I log in and link to Facebook. I can’t get into Swan’s home page, but I can see that dozens and dozens of people have left messages on her profile wall:
Lies My Girlfriend Told Me Page 3