by Linnea Valle
Zach lifted a leg and struggled to slide off the last piece of clothing between us. He leaned sideways, barely fitting his legs in the car. He bumped his knee on the back of the passenger seat, but somehow managed to get them off. I wanted to reach out and touch him so badly, but I was scared to, so I contented myself with staring. Zach reached to the floorboard of the car and found his pants to retrieve his wallet. He flipped it open and pulled out a condom then tossed his wallet back to the floor. Ripping open the packet, Zach pinched the tip and rolled the condom down over his cock all the way to the base. As he finished, he wrapped his fingers around his length and stroked himself up and down a couple of times, closing his eyes as his hips thrust forward.
After I watched him stroke himself a few times, I thought I would die if I didn’t either get him inside me or get my own hands on him. Finally, Zach bent forward, trying to find a comfortable position. He guided the tip of his penis to my opening. Zach leaned forward and kissed me again. A long, slow kiss with his tongue darting in and out of my mouth. I tasted a faint bit of my juices still on his lips and it excited me even more. With the head of his cock poised and in position, I lifted my hips and forced his large head to breach my lower lips. We both gasped, drawing in air from each other’s lungs.
Zach continued kissing me as he began to slowly push his way inside of me. I wanted this so much, but there was so much pressure, I wasn’t sure I could continue without letting on. I knew if Zach had a clue I was at all uncomfortable, he’d stop. He was so gentle and careful and I wanted to figuratively rip the bandage off and get it over with.
I pulled back slightly, took a deep breath, and gave a hard shove forward with my hips. It did feel like something was ripping. It was a burning, stinging, and stretching sensation. I think we were still only about half joined. I knew the only way was to continue and I was so wet.
Zach took my lead, pulled back and thrusted his hips to further our connection. His breathing got heavier and faster and he broke the kiss that kept me from voicing any of the pain, although it was fading fast. Zach propped himself up on his elbows on each side of my ribcage as best he could in the cramped space. He continued to take longer and longer strokes until he’d completed our link. He paused when his pelvis and mine were bone on bone. He opened his eyes and looked down at me with the tenderest look I think I had ever seen on his face. The look melted my heart. A single tear trickled down the outside of each of my eyes, slid past my temples and wet my hair. My body was burning up and sweating all over. I reached up and ran my hands down Zach’s back and I found him as sweaty as me and I didn’t feel quite so awkward.
“Emma, fuck, you feel so good, and you’re so tight, I don’t think I’ll be able to last very long.”
Zach’s tone made me wonder if he knew what I had surrendered to him. Did he even know this was my first time? That he was the only man who had ever touched me the way he touched me.
Zach started moving inside of me and although I felt quite full, I couldn’t say it was truly painful anymore. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him again, louder this time so he might actually hear me. But, my voice was unwilling to yield to my will. I stayed silent except for the uncontrollable hitches in my noisy breathing each time Zach bottomed out inside my pussy.
I wanted to do more than lay there. I wanted to participate in some way, but I didn’t have any room to do much more than I already was with one leg smashed up against the back of the seat. The other leg hung, bent at the knee. My foot rested on the floorboard. There was some article of clothing under my foot which caused it to slip when I tried to use it for leverage.
Zach was beginning to moan and gave little grunts. I assumed he was getting close to coming so I slid my hands further down and grabbed his ass and urged him on by tilting my pelvis up to meet each jab. I pushed myself up and my lips found where his neck met his shoulder and I kissed, sucked, and nibbled wherever I could reach. I never wanted this connection with Zach to end.
“Oh…Shit!”
“I’m going to come Em.”
“God, oh God!”
“Fuuuck!” Zach’s cry loud and frantic.
My heart almost burst hearing him call out my name in ecstasy. His pumping had increased, but with his last word, he slammed into me with a force he hadn’t been using before and stopped when he embedded himself to the hilt. It threw my head back and banged on the door’s armrest. Wincing a little, I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t want to break the moment.
“Em, oh Emma, Em…Jesus!”
With each word, I felt a small thrust and twitch of Zach’s release. It slowed quickly and Zach didn’t spend any time lingering, withdrawing as soon as his orgasm ended. The look on his face was peaceful and serene, almost lazy. He reached up and flicked on the interior light in the ceiling of the car. I squinted, even though the light was dim. Zach reached down to remove his condom and his hands stopped.
Zach looked from me to the condom and back again. I had a hard time reading the look on his face, he looked almost ill or at least pained and I wondered if I’d done something wrong. My emotions were all over the place. I gave Zach my virginity in the backseat of his Toyota the night before I was to leave for college and I still hadn’t found the words to tell him I was in love with him. At least not loud enough for him to actually hear it. Added was the self-consciousness of lying there sweaty and naked in the car’s low light. Finally, top it off with what felt a lot like shame in the wake of Zach’s reaction and I was about ready to lose it. I’m not usually a crier, but I felt the tears hot and ready to spill if I didn’t hold myself in check. I knew better than to try to speak.
“Emma?” Zach’s voice a mixture of fear and what I knew was anger.
Why the hell would Zach be angry with me? This got my hackles up and I became defensive in a nanosecond. I jutted my chin out and looked at Zach, I was sure there was a glare on my face.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin? Shit! I would never have done this tonight, like this, if I’d known. Fuck, I knew you were inexperienced, but I had no idea you were a still a virgin,” Zach spat the word out like it was a curse on his tongue.
Bitterness welled up inside of me at his accusatory tone. “Gee, Zach, save your sweet talk,” I said sarcastically. “Let me get dressed and take me home now, okay?”
I felt those tears build up again and leaned over quickly to grab my clothes, but mostly so Zach wouldn’t see the pain he caused, yet again. I never did anything right when it came to Zach. He had hurt me and rejected me before. I didn’t know why I thought things would change because we had sex.
I scrambled to dress as Zach took his time removing the blood tinged condom. He refused to look at me, which was for the best because if I saw pity, anger or worst yet, regret in his eyes I might have throat punched him and kicked him out of the car naked and drove away.
Zach spoke, almost like he was talking to himself. He was quiet and there was an odd tone in his voice, this time, I definitely thought it sounded like fear. Although I never actually saw Zach afraid of anything or anyone. “Oh, this is the fucking bomb!”
Zach scooped up his clothes and bolted from the car. He slammed the car door as he exited, refusing to even look back at me after his announcement. I watched as he practically jumped into his jeans, threw the condom, and yelled while he stomped around, kicking at the dirt.
I guessed the night wasn’t going to end with sweet proclamations of enduring love and devotion while we tenderly kissed and cradled each other in sentimental hugs. Bitterness overtook me as I finished dressing and slipped from the back seat to the front passenger seat between the middle console and sat, huddled there, while I waited for Zach to take me home.
I think Zach said less than five words to me after he got back in the car and he refused to look at me. That was fine, because I stared out the passenger window the whole way. Of course, I watched the image of his refection as he drove me home. Tears blurred my vision.
Eddie was already home
when I came in the door. As I entered, he looked me up one side and down the other, stood and went to get a glass of water. I watched him and when he finished, he poured another glass and brought it out to me. He handed it to me, grabbed me by the arm and steered me down the hall and into his bedroom. Gently pushing me until I sat on the bed.
“What the hell happened tonight?” Eddie asked. I saw a slow boil of anger begin although he asked the question very calmly, Eddie was not calm.
“I, we, uh…Zach and I.” Was all I got out before I started trembling. I was on the verge of tears from both anger and hurt. Eddie sat down and waited. I took a big gulp of water and started again.
“So, Zach and I, um, you know…we did it. And then, Zach totally freaked out because he figured out I was a virgin.” I gave a cynical snort. “Was.”
“What did he do? Did he hurt you?” I saw the anger brewing. “And who the hell did Zach think you’d been with already?” Eddie asked, still in his calming manner, but I knew Zach would be getting an earful and possibly a fistful too.
“God, Eddie, the whole thing was a huge mistake. I never should have thought sex would change the way he feels about me. In fact, now, he is disgusted by me and any respect he ever had for me is gone.”
I was so disappointed. In myself, in the way it all happened, and in how Zach reacted. If there was ever a time I wished for a take-back, it would be then. I wished with all my heart I would have had Zach bring me home after the movie.
“Emma, stop it. Why would Zach feel any differently about you? I’m afraid he cares more for you than he’ll admit. I’m sure Zach thinks he has a good reason for acting like he did, but honestly, I can’t imagine why he was an asshole. But, you can bet I’ll find out.” Eddie’s tone hardened and he looked very determined.
I put my hand on Eddie’s arm, stopping him. “No, Eddie. I don’t want you in the middle of this any more than you already are. Plus, I’d be embarrassed if Zach knew I came home and told you everything.”
I pleaded with my eyes not giving up until I’d won. Relief flooded me and instantly, everything hit me. I let the tears flow while Eddie held me in his protective embrace.
I’d been at college for a week. Classes were fine and my dorm room, although tiny, old, and dingy, was still comfortable. I never needed a lot, so it was no hardship. My schedule was full, especially with my work-study job, but my evenings were free.
My roommate’s name was Sarah. She was a lot more outgoing than I was. She was one of the “popular girls” in high school. How did everyone here know? I would have thought we’d all get to college as freshmen and be on equal footing since basically, we were all the “new girl.” But, there must be some secret code, one that clued in all the other popular kids that she was one of them. I wasn’t in that popular group, but she accepted me as I was and she seemed nice enough.
Over the first week or so, Sarah and I had only gotten to know each other a little, nothing too in depth, but I could tell we would get along fine. She seemed to have a good sense of humor and was a bit quirky, but overall was sweet. I tried to limit my pouting and crying spells to when she wasn’t in the room, but I didn’t think I was fooling her. She tried to get me to join her a few times when she went out, but I made excuses to stay put in our dorm room.
I didn’t miss home. In my mind I associated Eddie with home and since he wouldn’t be there, I had nothing to miss about home. But, I missed Eddie immensely. Although I was still pissed off at him, I missed Zach too. Eddie promised me they were going to come up and see me the following weekend after I started college, before they headed off to Basic Training.
They would be gone for ten weeks before they’d get a short furlough. Then they’d be given their assignments. Eddie would probably be home for the Thanksgiving break. After that, who knew when we’d get to see each other again. Panic rose and my breathing quickened whenever I thought about Eddie leaving.
I tried not to let all the changes get to me, I really did. It was a Friday night and I was alone in my room. I felt sorry for myself and I was incredibly lonely. I knew I’d feel even more alone after Eddie and Zach left for Basic. For now, at least I still had Eddie. He texted me several times a day and had called me most days. After they reported, I wouldn’t hear much from him for the duration of boot camp. The thought was depressing.
I was also depressed by the fact Zach and I hadn’t spoken to each other since the previous week’s “virginity incident.” My feelings of being used and rejected by Zach were still raw. If I was being honest with myself, I’d known the entire time it had meant more to me. I thought, at the time, I could live with that. Apparently, I lied to myself. I shed more than an occasional tear since the incident. I think I was hoping my feelings would miraculously be returned. So, I sat there, alone. Had it only been a week? It felt like so much longer.
A vision of Zach from last Friday night popped unbidden into my mind.
Zach, jumped up and down trying to get his jeans on, barefoot. Kicking, first at the used condom he’d thrown down, then kicking at the dirt, cursing, and ranting while I sat in the car watching every bit of regret he had etched on his face. And those were some deep lines. I had curled my legs underneath me, cold, despite the warmth of the evening. Chilled to the bone because Zach was, at that very moment, wishing I didn’t exist and he hadn’t just had sex with me.
Alone in the car, I let the tears slide silently down my face as I watched the person I’d always loved reject me in the most intimate of ways. We should be holding each other, gently kissing, and looking into each other’s eyes. We should have been giving each other reassurances and enjoying the afterglow of a special bond.
Instead, I was seriously thinking about sliding into the driver’s seat and starting the engine. The keys were still dangling in the ignition. I could take off. Really, fuck him! That’s what he did to me, and he wasn’t even pretending he enjoyed it. After all our years of friendship, how could he treat me like this? Like I didn’t matter. Like my feelings didn’t matter at all.
The buzz of my phone indicating a text message pulled me back to the present. I didn’t see a whole lot of difference between now and then. I reached for my phone and realized the tears had started up again. The worst part was I didn’t even care I was crying. I shouldn’t have been, I knew the whole, “his loss” and “I’m better than that” shit, but I was having a hard time believing it. I swiped at my tears and looked at my phone. It was Eddie, of course. His text brought a smile to my face, even if it was half-hearted.
I decided instead of texting him, I wanted to hear his voice, so I hit dial. Eddie, always my rock, answered on the first ring.
“Hey there, Emma.”
Eddie’s easygoing demeanor already had me taking a calming breath. He knew about Zach and me. Despite Eddie being furious at how badly Zach acted, Eddie hadn’t want to completely kill him, or at least not because he felt Zach had taken advantage of me. Eddie knew Zach was my one love and eventually, if given the chance, I was going to go all the way with him. So, yes, Eddie was still pissed at how he treated me afterwards, but not mad at me for letting it happen. I think that was why he was adamant that Zach and I clear the air the weekend we come to visit. Eddie wanted him to apologize.
“Hi Eddie, how was your last day at work and why aren’t you out partying? It’s Friday night and you’re officially free for the next 10 days. No job, no school, nothing!”
I tried to hide the sniffle in my nose and the tight sound of my voice from crying, but I was no match for Eddie. He probably knew when he texted me. He always had a sixth sense when it came to my moods and feelings. I didn’t know if it was a twin thing, a brother-sister thing or because we always had to rely on each other, but it was real.
“You’ve been crying again, Emma.” It wasn’t a question, but it was a statement of fact and since I knew he already had it figured out, I stopped the charade.
“Yeah, so what?” I asked defensively.
“Same thing?” he asked,
knowing I’d been crying ever since the night before I left. Hell, I cried on his shoulder the night it happened.
“You know, I think Zach wants to call you, but he’s too chicken shit to do it. He asks me if I’ve heard from you at least once a day. He wants to know how you’re doing, how college is, and everything. I don’t know if it helps you feel any better or not, but it’s the truth.”
“Well, fat lot of good it does him to ask you! He hasn’t bothered to call me.” I knew it wasn’t Eddie’s fault. It was unfair of me to take it out on him, but I guessed that was another thing between siblings, the unconditional love.
“Does it help to know he’s been moping around ever since you left town last week?” he asked.
“No, not really,” my replies got bitchier and bitchier the more we talked about Zach.
“You could call him, you know…” Eddie trailed off the last part of his statement, but I pounced on the subject.
“Zach can go to hell, Eddie!” I spat out. “There’s no way on Earth I’m calling him.” I guessed if Eddie’s tactic was to get me to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself by getting me pissed off, it worked.
“Emma, he cares about you. He can’t admit it, kinda like you refusing to tell him about your feelings.” He was back to the soothing voiced Eddie. “Emma, we’ve talked and he doesn’t know where to start or how to explain.”
“He doesn’t need to start, because I wouldn’t listen to his drivel even if he did have the balls to man up to it. And I’m not going to call him, begging for ‘his highness’ to honor me with a bit of his time.” The feeling of abandonment and loneliness returned full force.
“Look, Eddie, I gotta go,” I lied.