by Linnea Valle
Numb was an understatement. I felt like I had only been going through the motions of day to day life since the night that I was informed of Eddie’s death. Drowning in my sorrow. Sarah wept, every so often she would dab at her runny nose, but she never said a word. I heard sobs and sniffling behind me drowning out the chaplain’s eulogy. It was better not to focus on his accounts of Eddie’s bravery and service. Those things were too real to deal with.
Sarah and I both jumped out of our skin with every shot when the rifle volley sounded. My eyes slammed shut feeling like I was being shocked with a cattle prod. Then, my eyes opened only to have the process repeat with every crack of the guns’ report. I felt Charlie’s hand on my shoulder for support, while Mrs. Peters’ sobs became louder. A reminder this wasn’t a dream, but was really happening.
It was then I happened to looked up and saw him in the distance. Out at the edge of the roadway leading to Eddie’s final resting place, Zach sat in a wheelchair. He still had IV’s hooked up and an oxygen tank rode alongside. Zach was in his dress uniform. Although it was far enough away I wasn’t able to see his expression clearly, I could feel pain radiating off him even from that far away. Could he feel Sarah’s and my pain?
There was a woman in a starched white nursing uniform standing beside him with her hand on the handle of the wheelchair. My eyes blurred with tears. When I saw Zach, I felt such an overwhelming sense of relief and I allowed the tears to overflow. The torrent was finally released and tears poured down my cheeks. I didn’t bother trying to stop them. Soon, Zach would bring comfort to my empty heart like he had time and time again, so I allowed the salty stream to run freely.
Forced to pull my eyes away from Zach when the bugler started to play “Taps,” I couldn’t do anything except close my eyes and let the hauntingly beautiful melody soak into every fiber of my being. I knew without a doubt I would hear it over and over in my nightmares.
When the song finished, the Honor Guard began the process of folding the flag. I watched the precision, the straightening and each exacting fold with dread. Because with each fold, the flag was closer to being placed in my hands and Eddie would be placed in the cold ground for eternity. I couldn’t put a stop to the inevitable as I watched the pair perform their carefully practiced, white-gloved routine in slow motion horror.
The flag completed, was handed to one of the Honor Guard with a slow, perfect salute and a toe-turn. He came and stood before me, knelt down, and held out the flag, one hand above and one hand beneath. I barely registered the words he recited to me. “On behalf of the President of the United States, the United States Army, and a grateful Nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”
I took the flag as I had been instructed, and then laid it in my lap. I immediately reached for Sarah’s hand while keeping my other hand on the flag, my only physical connection left with Eddie.
Finally, an Arlington Lady presented a card of condolences to me as was the custom for each branch of the military for a burial at Arlington. I started a procession, followed by Sarah, Charlie, then by Zach’s and Sarah’s families. We each placed a single long-stemmed red rose on top of Eddie’s casket.
I sat back down, but the line stretched out and down through the crowd in attendance. Each person who passed silently said one last goodbye to my brother. I heard a lot of crying and sniffling. Otherwise, there was complete silence.
I was eager to look around to see where Zach had made his way into the crowd so I could go to him, but when I lifted my head and looked around, I couldn’t find him. I searched through the crowd, and then back out to the road where I’d seen him before, but still no sign of him.
I scanned the distance and finally, quite far away, I saw the nurse closing the passenger door on a black sedan, watched her go around the car to the driver’s side and drive away. He left. He fucking left. He hadn’t even bothered to come all the way to where the service was held and then he was gone? Not a single word to me.
Another crushing blow on the worst day I could remember. No explanation. No acknowledgement at all. As though I didn’t even exist. The three of us had spent our entire lives together up to this point and I felt like a shadow of my former self, a ghost. Caught somewhere in limbo, between this world and hell.
I went back to the hotel, skipped dinner, and again cried myself to sleep. That night I also mourned an indescribable loss. I had no name for it. I felt Zach slip through my fingers, once again. It felt final and another part of my heart died and was buried along with my brother when Zach turned away from me.
The days went on and on without end. Carol came to check on us frequently. She was only visiting Zach every few weeks since he had stabilized and was healing well according to the doctors. Carol was still worried about him.
“Emily, he just doesn’t seem like himself any more. He won’t talk to anyone about it. He’s refusing any treatment for PTSD and just seems angry, and shut down. We’re worried about him,” Carol confided.
“I can relate. I don’t feel like myself anymore either, Carol.”
I had stopped trying to call or get in touch with him after the funeral. I had so many things I needed to talk with him about, but I knew he’d refuse to speak to me. Any time Carol, or on occasion Sarah tried to bring up Zach, I would cut them off and find something else to talk about. There was such a deep chasm in my chest I felt it run clear through me. I had other things to fill my life. This was not where I’d seen myself being only a year ago. Somehow, my life had taken a drastic turn with no way to bring it back on course.
I started my second year at college. It was hard to concentrate, but I refused to let my grades drop. So many things crowded my mind and I got too little sleep. I was running on fumes. I couldn’t have done it if not for Sarah. She was adamant I should have talked with Zach, but I couldn’t make him pick up the phone and he obviously had no desire to talk to me.
I remember so clearly the day Carol came over with news of Zach. I tried to change the subject, but Carol refused and made me sit down and listen. My heart was already numb by this point, so what she told me had only served to confirm my decision not to try to contact Zach.
“Emma, we need to talk about Zach,” she started, I cut her off in mid-sentence.
“We’ve been through this dozens of times Carol, I don’t want to talk about Zach, and I don’t want you to talk about Zach to me. I’m done with him. I’m over it.”
“NO!” Carol said in a raised voice. In all my years of knowing her, I had never known her to raise her voice and it shocked me. She took the opportunity of my mouth hanging open while I stared at her to continue. “This is something I have to tell you and you will sit your little butt down on the couch and listen to me.”
I was still in shock by her outburst and sat down as I was told.
“Emma, honey, you know you’re like a daughter to me, and you always have been. I know despite this brave front you’ve been putting up for months now, you were still holding out hope someday Zach would wake up and be a part of your life. We were all hoping.”
Carol’s voice went from hard and commanding to a soft, sympathetic whisper. “We got news. Zach married the nurse who had been taking care of him. Oh, Emma, I’m so sorry to tell you this. I can’t understand what he’s thinking. I just…” a sob wrenched from her throat and she covered her mouth as she turned around so I wouldn’t see her cry.
Her words put the final nail in the coffin. I let go and I cried. I tried to deny it. I did nearly everything a woman in love would do under those circumstances. I thought I didn’t care anymore, but I had been lying to myself and everyone around me without realizing it. I was still carrying a torch, still holding out a tiny sliver of hope.
I thought maybe there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, but after I cried and Carol soothed my aching heart. Anger followed my grief, but even the anger ebbed away. The fire went out. My heart died and turned to cold ash whe
re Zach was concerned.
Before she left, I went to my bedroom and grabbed a picture from the mirror on my dresser. The edges were getting tattered and worn and it was a bit faded. It was the picture I had taken with me when I moved away to college, the one of Eddie, Zach, and me at graduation. We were smiling and having a good time, like we didn’t have a care in the world. I gave it to Carol because I had no use for it any more. I didn’t want the reminder staring at me every day. Taunting me, Eddie was dead and Zach had married another woman. She took it, without saying a word.
Something I always believed was meant to be, vanished. Sarah said something in my eyes died that day too, my spark was gone. I went about my daily life and even took joy in the little things. I wasn’t the same person after losing both Eddie and Zach, and it hadn’t even been a year since mom died.
I finished up my second year at school. Sarah and I had talked about it and she decided to go to live with her parents for the summer. We felt it would be good for her to get away for a while. I wasn’t sure if she was going to return in the fall or not. She hadn’t dealt well with losing Eddie either.
I was busy during the day, no time to wallow in despair. It was the night time that I felt so alone. Unable to stop the gut wrenching pain of losing my two best friends, my brother and my lover. This pain was my regular partner when the lights went out. When I closed my eyes, tears seeped out, wetting my pillow where my head lay. I was lost in an immense ocean without the slightest hope I wouldn’t drown. It was only a matter of time.
Zach
The last year was fucking brutal. I had no other words for it. Getting through Basic was easy. I couldn’t say the same for my deployment or everything that happened afterwards. I sat there in my counsellor’s office thinking that I’d recalled nearly every detail of my life from my earliest memories to the present and I could honestly say there wasn’t much I was truly proud of.
I’d recalled more than I wanted to, but less than I needed to. I still had work to do before I could feel relatively healed. My life, in a nutshell, had been laid out before my counsellor. I didn’t know how many sessions it took to cover my parents and childhood in general, but it took many more visits to deal with childhood to current times, especially regarding Eddie and Emma.
I had it good growing up. Dad was a lawyer in the small town where we lived. Mom stayed at home. I was their only child and spoiled. I think mom and dad may have wanted more children, for whatever reason, they never had any more kids. The closest I had to a brother or sister were Eddie and Emma Jenkins. They were my best friends from as far back as I could remember.
Eddie and Emma had a shitty life. Their mom was nonexistent in their young lives and they spent as much time at my house and with my folks as they did at their own home. From grade school on, Eddie always teased me.
“Someday Zach, you and my sister are gonna get married. Two little lovers, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, second comes marriage, then comes Zach and Emma with a baby carriage,” he’d taunted me with the old nursery rhyme, always insisting that one day I was going to grow up and marry Emma. I thought Emma was cute and she was sweet. I didn’t have any objections except it was embarrassing when he teased me. Of course, I denied it like any grade schooler would.
I liked Emma. Since Eddie and Emma were twins, they were like two peas in a pod both redheads, Eddie had wavy hair and Emma with long, red curls, almost ringlets. They each had a few freckles and their eyes were sort of green, at other times looked blue. My best description would be the color of a deep Caribbean Ocean.
The two of them were very similar in temperament too. Both had fiery personalities, although they rarely got mad at me. They also had a self-assurance, strength and maturity that didn’t come with age. The major difference between them being Eddie was more of a daredevil and Emma tended to be quieter and a little more responsible, although she still had lots of spunk. They were as close to each other as any two people could be. The three of us were always in the same classes which lasted entirely through high school.
Not only did we spend all our time together at school, but also after school and weekends. We were inseparable. We spent summers at the lake and hung out at parties or at the local burger joint where Eddie and Emma also worked when we were in high school.
I remembered one time when we were at a party, I saw our high school quarterback practically raping Emma. I almost landed myself in jail from the beating I gave him. Emma was mad at me and I couldn’t figure out why until Eddie filled me in.
“You just don’t get it, do you Zach. Shit, she’s so far gone for you. When she saw you with your hand up another girl’s shirt, she lost it. She decided to flirt with Jason and it got out of hand. She did it to get back at you and so she didn’t feel like all this time was wasted waiting on you. Fuck, you can be so dense sometimes.”
I had no idea, but I guess that was the point. After that, I watched out for her a lot more. It made me sick to see Jason kissing her and man handling her like that.
Afterwards, things changed between Emma and me. I could finally see she was interested in me. Eddie said so, but he was always careful about not betraying Emma’s confidence. Knowing she was interested made things even more confusing. We weren’t little kids anymore and Emma had grown into a beautiful woman. I couldn’t help noticing and appreciating her.
Our senior year was tough, we still had a lot of growing up to do, yet we wanted to have things stay like they were. Emma was smart and planning on going to a state University about two hours away. Eddie and I decided to serve our country so we joined the Army. We would be heading to Basic Training in the fall after we graduated.
For the first time, the three of us were going to be separated. I was attracted to Emma, I noticed her, even when she didn’t realize it. I still had a hard time thinking something like childhood friendship and a teenaged crush could ever be more, so I fought it. Eddie gave me tons of grief about it. In the back of my mind, I was afraid I wasn’t good enough for someone as special as Emma. I was also afraid I’d hurt her, so I tried my best to keep things on a friendship level.
Everything came crashing down around me the night before Emma left for college. She asked me to take her out and spend her last evening in town together, just the two of us. We were going to do pizza and a movie, simple. One thing led to another and before I knew it, we were on a deserted, road near the lake, making out in the back seat of my car.
We had both known where things were going. Afterwards, I felt the weight of shame and remorse for not having more respect for one of my best friends. I had let my feelings and hormones take over, and I admit I handled it like a fucking idiot. I had overreacted and I felt even worse when I figured out Emma had been a virgin, until I ruined her. She deserved better than a jerk like me in the back seat of a car on a dirt road. End of story.
I thought Eddie was going to rip me a new one after he, his mom, and step-dad got back into town once they moved Emma to college. I still remember the conversation and I was surprised Eddie hadn’t decked me. God knew I’d deserved it.
“Zach! Man, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have even the slightest idea what you’ve done to Emma? Shit! She was a wreck Thursday night and a total zombie all weekend! I was so worried about leaving her up there all by herself.”
I hung my head. I couldn’t even look Eddie in the eye. “I’m so sorry, Eddie,” I mumbled, “I didn’t mean for things go so far, you gotta believe me.”
“But, what the hell were you thinking? Thinking with your dick? Fucking Christ, Zach! You know how Emma feels about you and you destroyed her. She thinks she’s unworthy and how much you must regret having been with her. Even when she did nothing wrong other than give herself to the guy she’s in love with. Yet she’s still worried about your feelings!” Eddie’s voice became harder and harder until it was like a blade of steel slicing and dicing me.
“Hell, Eddie, I’m the one who isn’t good enough and Emma deserved so much bett
er than that. She deserved so much better than me,” I tried to get Eddie to understand, but he wasn’t listening to my excuses, because that’s what they were, petty excuses.
I’d taken something from Emma I didn’t deserve, something I had no right taking and I acted like a jackass afterwards. I knew she was crying and I didn’t know how to console her. I thought she was regretting the whole thing even more than I was.
So, I did what I always did when I had no clue how to deal with my emotions, I got angry and pushed her away. I wanted to soothe her, let her know it was okay and I cared for her too. I wanted to kiss her and not stop, but I could never own up to it. I was never able to. So, she cried as I drove her home and dropped her off.
I was such a fucking ass! I wished I could have had a do over. I would take her home after the movie ended, no trip down dirt roads, no kisses, and no decisions I couldn’t turn away from. I would have kept it all on the friendship level like I’d been able to do for years. And I definitely would have kept my dick in my pants.
“Eddie, all I can say is I’m sorry. You know I wouldn’t hurt Emma if I knew of any other way to handle it. You’re right, I was being a selfish prick.”
“Well, you’ll have time to make it up to her when we go up to say goodbye the weekend before we leave for basic training.”
I started to object to the idea. Eddie cut me off before I even got a word out.
“You and I will go up there, and you and Emma will make up. You two need to call a truce. And speaking of calling, I’m sure she’d listen if you decided to apologize over the phone.”
Eddie smirked at me, knowing first, I wasn’t going to turn him down about going to say goodbye and second, knowing me well enough to know I didn’t have the balls to man up and call her. He was taunting me and we both knew it. I was a cocky, confident bastard in everything, except when it came to Emma. I was way out of my league with Eddie’s sister