by Linnea Valle
“I stopped by Charlie’s house on my way through town. It was awkward at first but I feel like we ended on a good note. Then I went home and spent several days with my folks.” I didn’t offer up any details. I knew he’d ask the questions he felt were most important.
“How did it go at home with your parents?” He asked. “Did you hide out at their house the whole time? Or did you venture out at all?”
“It went okay; Mom and Dad were thrilled to have me home. I did make it out a few times, but the stares and the occasional questions were tough, I felt like I was a pariah.” I told him about the few encounters I had and he seemed to feel I handled them appropriately. I felt like scoffing at him but, I knew it was all relative.
Then, he had me on edge with his next question, “Did you go see Emma?” he asked, but I was sure he already knew the answer.
“No,” I said quietly, feeling the need to lower my head. “But, you already knew, didn’t you?” I asked him.
He held my gaze without a word, in silent challenge. I was the one who flinched first.
“What?” I said defensively. “You said to go home, face down some of my demons, I did.”
“How did you feel when you were at home Zach? What prompted you to return so soon and why do you think you’re not ready to face Emma? What are you afraid of?” His eyes held mine.
“What am I afraid of?” I stood and started pacing the room, my hands sifted through my hair, which had grown out a lot; so much so, it needed a cut. “I…, I’m afraid,” I paused trying to assess exactly what was keeping me from confronting Emma. Besides the obvious, of course. The obvious was that I should be the one dead instead of Eddie. I hadn’t protected Eddie the way I should have. I knew that the moment I looked into Emma’s eyes, I was going to see Eddie’s as they faded away; the life drained out of them as I held his head in my hands, clutched to my chest while lying in the dirty sand.
No, there was more, and I knew it. I knew it when I stood looking at the picture on the side of the road, tears streamed down my face. Then the song on the radio said it all. Photograph by Ed Sheeran. It was the moment I realized that above everything else, I loved Emma. She was the driving force in my life. I pushed her away at every opportunity and refused to face my feelings. That showed me exactly what a pussy I was. I had the greatest girl on earth, she was mine. I knew it, Eddie knew it, even my mom and dad knew it. I was the only one who refused to acknowledge it.
I’d told Eddie I cared about Emma and I truly believed I was protecting her when I continually pushed her away. I knew she deserved better than me, even if she didn’t know any better. I figured she would find someone when she was away at college, so maybe it was me I was protecting instead of her. So, what was I afraid of? Simple, rejection. The kind I’d dealt out to Emma all these years and the kind I deserved in return.
“Zach, I can see you’ve come up with the answer. Tell me. You need to vocalize it. We need to talk about this. What are you afraid of?” Dr. Mooney’s insistence and my need to break free won over and I spilled my guts, all of it.
“I love her.” I said passionately. “I have always loved her, even when I denied it with every breath and every thought. She owns my heart and my soul. I’m afraid I’ve broken her and she’ll never see me or talk to me or love me again. I’ve done such terrible things to her.” With each confession, my heart broke open and spilled out the life beating through my veins.
I walked over to Dr. Mooney’s desk and pulled the picture out of my pocket, tossed it on his desk. “She wants nothing to do with me anymore. She gave this picture to my mom after I married Kelly.” My voice showed the derision I had for myself. “She probably thinks I loved Kelly. And I know she thinks I let her brother die.” I snorted. “Eddie was everything to her and they were everything to me. I’ve lost them both.”
Dr. Mooney picked up the photo and studied it intently. Memorized each face before moving on to the next. “How do you know you’ve lost her if you haven’t given her the opportunity to see you or speak to you? Zach, you must let this out. You’re still holding it inside. The guilt. You’ll never be free until you talk with Emma.” He handed the picture back to me and stood, which signaled the end of our session. “Call her Zach.”
I left Dr. Mooney’s office with a renewed sense of purpose. I attended an AA meeting and after the meeting, I pulled out my phone with shaking hands.
I stared at the photo lying on the passenger seat and drew in a deep breath. Then I took the plunge and I dialed. I was sure Emma hadn’t changed her number, she’d called the hospital and my cell so many times in the first few months, and since then, I knew she called my mom frequently. I had seen her name and number flash on mom’s phone twice while I was there. And I made sure to leave the house each time.
Would she recognize my phone number? Would she pick up? What was taking her so long to answer her phone? Was she with someone else? The call connected after what seemed like an eternity and I let my breath out in a whoosh. I’d been holding it while the phone rang.
“Hello, Zach.” Emma’s voice sounded like heaven and a pang of longing hit me so hard it almost doubled me over. It had been about a year and a half since I heard her groggily tell me she loved me and I whispered into her sleepy ear to wait for me. I wondered if she remembered or if she was already asleep when I said it. Her next statement jolted me out of my memories. “What do you want Zach?” This time, there was no mistaking the steel in her voice. The harshness masking what sounded like tiredness and maybe defeat?
“Emma,” I said a little breathlessly and cleared my throat. “Emma, I need to see you so we can talk. I have a lot of things I need to say.” I said, more boldly. Hearing her voice after all this time reinforced my decision to call her and I felt a little of my old self coming back, yet with a new understanding. I couldn’t wait to see her and touch her, kiss her, and hold her in my arms while we renewed what was always meant to be. I couldn’t wait to be able to tell her that I loved her.
Emma’s voice interrupted my thoughts, again. “Go fuck yourself, Zach. I’ve come to terms with any questions I had a long time ago. I’m done needing you.” And she hung up. I stared at my phone for a few minutes. Hardly believing she’d hung up on me. But then, I remembered the fire in Emma. The times she’d gotten mad at me. She was not one to simply roll over.
But neither was I and I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I knew she was standing up for herself which made me smile. Maybe she wasn’t quite as broken as I thought she was. It made me even more determined to see her and talk to her.
I hit redial and within a couple of rings, she picked back up.
“Well, I see it didn’t take you very long to comply. I guess you’re so used to fucking over other people, fucking yourself wasn’t such a difficult task, hmm?” She spat the words at me like they were venom. Maybe I misjudged how much damage I had done.
“Emma, listen to me for a minute,” I pleaded. The fingers of my empty hand spread automatically trying to call a truce. “I know you’re upset with me for not talking to you since I came back, but…” I’m cut off by an almost evil laugh coming from the other end of the line.
“Really, Zach? How about you get real. You haven’t talked to me since the weekend before you left for boot camp! I tried, and you pushed me away at every turn. No, I said I was done with you and I meant it. My need for answers after Eddie died caused me to try to reach out to you, but you shut me out. I’ve come to grips with that fact. I’ll never know about Eddie’s last day, his last moments. I no longer need it. So, let me say again, I don’t need you anymore, Zach. Don’t call me again, I’ve moved on.” She paused, taking a deep breath, “And I know you have too.” She whispered. Another pause, “I hope I’ve made myself perfectly clear.” Again, she hung up.
Well, shit! This was going to be a bigger challenge than I had thought it was going to be. But I could be persistent. She’d come around within a week. I’d bet on it. I tucked my phone in my jeans and the photo
into my front shirt pocket like I every day since my mom gave it to me and drove to my apartment. Feelings of hope lingered in my heart. The first time I’ve felt hope since Eddie was taken from me.
Each day over the next two weeks, I’d called Emma and every time she answered, but each time she had also shot me down. None too kindly either. Dr. Mooney and I discussed it and he was convinced she meant it. In which case, I was going to have to find another way to reach her.
The third week of calls she stopped answering. At least then I was able to get a word in before she had the opportunity to hang up on me and I used it to my advantage. I left long voicemails for her. I prayed she was at least listening to them.
By the fourth week, I was starting to get pissed. Now I knew how she must have been feeling on top of the fact she’d lost Eddie and I felt even worse for my actions. If she wouldn’t answer my calls, then I’d have to go see her in person. That was my future, our future, I wasn’t going to let her stubbornness get in the way like I had let my own stubbornness do in the past.
“Mom, I need you to give me Emma’s address. I’ve decided to go see her. I need to talk to her.” I called my mom early, but I knew she’d be up. She was always an early bird.
“Um, why are you asking me? Why don’t you call Emma and ask her?” Not the response I was expecting from my mom. She’d been encouraging me when it came to Emma since I was in high school. She was very upset with me when she found out I was ignoring her calls at the hospital. Furious with me when I made her pick up the phone on more than one occasion and refuse to let Emma talk to me, forcing mom to say I couldn’t come to the phone. So why the reticence now?
“I’ve tried for the last three and a half weeks. The first two weeks she told me where to go, but now she won’t even answer the phone. I’m not even sure if she’s listening to my voicemail. I need her address so I can go to her house. She’ll have to listen to me if I’m there.”
“Oh, honey, I don’t know if that’s a very good plan. If Emma doesn’t want to see you, maybe you shouldn’t show up at her place unannounced.” Mom’s voice was sickening sweet. I recognize that tone. She was hiding something.
“What? Mom, you’ve been pushing me to go to her. Now she’s refusing me, and you don’t think it’s a good idea? What aren’t you telling me? Does she have a man in her life now and everyone is afraid to tell me?”
I fumed at the thought someone other than me might be touching Emma, loving her, giving her the life I should have been giving her. I wouldn’t blame her, but I couldn’t imagine Emma with anyone other than me.
“Well, she has a couple of people in her life right now. I know you don’t want to hear it, Zach, but if she wants you to stay away, maybe you should. At least until Emma feels it’s a good time.” My mom’s words shocked me. I’d considered it, but not in a real sense. I couldn’t believe it.
“Mom,” my voice came out louder and harsher than I’d intended, but it did the trick and caught my mom’s full attention. “Where does Emma live, I want her address. Don’t make me hire a private investigator or go to other extremes to find out. I’m going to see Emma!”
Mom knew I meant what I said. “Has she been talking with you? Is that why you’ve changed your mind? You wanted me to see her only a month ago.”
“We speak frequently, Zach. You know that,” Mom sounded defensive. “She doesn’t want to see you right now.”
“And you’re siding with her?” I roared into the phone. I couldn’t remember ever being madder at my mom.
“Mom, tell me.” I was unable to control my anger. “How can you choose her over your own son?” I paused, waiting for her to understand me. It was that important to me. I softened a little bit, “Mom, please, don’t do this to me. I have to see her.” I was at the point of begging.
Mom gave in and reluctantly gave me her address with a warning to not get mad at Emma and to be gentle with her, that she’d been through so much. I was touched my mom has taken Emma under her wing so protectively after her mom died. It was very heartening and I knew in Eddie’s and my absence, my mom had been there for her through a lot. I assured her it would be fine and things would be okay as soon as Emma and I had a chance to talk things out. Mom sounded a bit skeptical, but wished me luck.
Emma didn’t sound fragile the times I talked to her. I wondered if Emma continuing to tell me she was over me and didn’t need me anymore was her own way of telling me she was seeing someone. The thought was gut wrenching.
Over the next week I made my plans and figured out when I’d be able to arrive in town. I made a reservation at the same hotel Emma and I spent the weekend at right after she started college, but with the drive, I knew I’d be arriving later in the evening and requested a late check in. With my plan laid out before me, I began packing and practiced what I was going to say to her when she answered the door.
I schooled myself on how I’d react if she had a guy in her apartment, and I told myself I wouldn’t punch him. Instead, I would ask him to give Emma and me some privacy so we could discuss her brother. Oh, who the fuck was I kidding? I’d probably end up punching the guy anyway.
I got up the next morning and after my doctor’s appointment, I hit the road for the drive. I had our picture taped to the dashboard and looked at it every so often, wondering if I was crazy or not. I wondered if my mother warned her I was coming, but most of all, I tried to quell the nerves that flitted around in my stomach at the thought of seeing Emma after so long. The ache longing in me was real, this wasn’t simply nostalgia. I was nervous. Super nervous, plus, I didn’t know how she was going to react to me. I needed to make it right though, I was certain.
I arrived at the address my mom reluctantly gave me. It was an apartment complex with what looked to be mostly college students. I didn’t know if Emma had a car or not, so I didn’t bother to look. I knew Sarah had one, but she had gone to live with her parents for the summer. I also didn’t know if Emma had a job or not, I didn’t know how Eddie’s death had impacted her financially. The thought of it brought another pang of guilt and clenched my gut. I promised Eddie I’d take care of her and I didn’t even bother with her most essential needs. God, I was a complete asshole.
I parked and sat for a minute, waiting for my nerves to settle. My brain trying to bring some sense to the jumble of words I needed to be able to get out when I saw her. I got out of my car and found the apartment number. It was late, but not too late, about 9:30. I assumed she would still be awake, but as I approached I noticed no lights on.
I almost used it as an excuse to chicken out. I could head to the hotel, get checked in and rest up after the long drive. Then, my head would be clearer in the morning. And, if I was lucky, I wouldn’t feel like I was ready to puke at her feet when I saw her face to face. It almost worked, but I steeled myself and summoned every bit of courage I still had in me. I grabbed the picture and stuck it in my breast pocket.
I stood before the door, raised my hand to knock. I paused, with my fist in the air, a fresh wave of panic struck me. Then I sucked it up and wrapped on the door lightly. After no response, I knocked a little louder. Still no answer.
Maybe she wasn’t home. Maybe she was out on a date or staying over with a guy at his place. I began to have a panic attack and stepped away from the door for a minute, resting my forehead on the cool brick exterior of the building. I practiced my deep breathing and talked myself down.
After a few minutes, once I’d collected myself again, I pulled the picture out of my breast pocket and stared at it for a few minutes before I decided to try one last time. If the lights were out, she was either in bed sleeping or she wasn’t home. Either way, it was not going to hurt to try one more time. This time I knocked harder and I continued knocking insistently. If Emma was home, she’d come to the door.
Emma
The persistent pounding on my apartment door jerked me out of my thoughts and back to the present where I was lying in bed, curled in a ball. My head still rested on the same soa
king wet pillowcase. I got up to go see who was at the door without much thought.
I yanked it open, annoyed someone would be knocking this late, not even thinking about checking to see who it was. When I swung the door wide I saw Zach standing there, ready to pound some more.
I couldn’t control the emotions that ripped through me at the sight of him. Shock, annoyance, puzzlement, fear, anger, longing, love, and hatred all at the same time. What was he doing here?
God, he looked good. I wanted to slap him and pull him into my arms all at the same time. I thought he’d given up when he’d finally stopped calling. Part of me was relieved and the other part wanted him to keep trying. To show me he wouldn’t quit that easily.
Never once did I think he’d track me down and show up here. Of all the emotions I was feeling, after being drug out of bed, and after all the crap he’d put me through for as long as I could remember, anger was the one that clawed its way to the top.
“Holy hell, Zach! What the fuck do you think you’re doing here at my apartment? You need to leave, now! I have nothing to say to you.” My anger was real and ready to explode, but I kept my voice quiet.
I attempted to close the door in his face, but his hand reached out and easily stopped my action. Instead, he took a half a step inside and tried to look around the darkened room. He was stopped from entering by my hold on the door and my body standing its ground.
Body heat radiated off him and I could smell his clean scent, the same one I was always intoxicated by when we were younger. I felt myself sway slightly toward him before I caught myself.