Like There's No Tomorrow

by Linnea Valle

  He was the enemy, he couldn’t be trusted, and he left me hanging every time I needed him. I couldn’t allow myself to fall under his spell. There was too much at risk this time. It wasn’t only my heart he’d be toying with. Eddie was always our mediator, but that was ripped away from me. I needed to make him understand he had to leave.

  Zach hadn’t said a single word. I wondered when he finally spoke, if he would be the gruff military man, the angry teenager who I gave myself to, or the sweet, caring man I spent a weekend with so long ago. Zach was very complicated. I was certain he was even more complicated since he’d been through war and watched his best friend, my brother, die in his arms.

  I know Carol said it really messed with his head. I wondered if he was still screwed up. Which was another reason to get him out of here, now. I was ready to give him a shove and try to close the door with another warning to leave when he finally spoke.

  “Emma, I had to come see you. You weren’t answering my calls.” His voice was exactly as I remembered it. Smooth and deep, but this time there was an ache, a yearning in his voice which wasn’t there before, and the ice around my heart cracked a tiny bit.

  “Well, I assumed you would have taken it as a hint and left me the hell alone!” I said a little louder than I’d intended.

  I could feel myself putting up barriers. Erecting walls around my heart so he couldn’t get through. It nearly destroyed me the last time he left me. I needed to be strong and protect myself. Which was the very reason I asked Eddie not to mention me to Zach. He never reached out to me the whole time. Zach was trying to clear his own conscience, and I’ll be damned if I let him use me to do it.

  “You need to get out, please don’t make me call for help.” I dared him, lifting my chin, and standing at my full height. I knew it wasn’t enough to intimidate Zach, but I was doing my best.

  “Emma, you look like hell. Have you been crying?” Zach’s voice was matter of fact until he got to the part about crying and then it changed, softened. “Let me come in and we can talk. I made promises I intend on keeping.”

  “I’m fine.” I lifted myself even taller and threw my shoulders back. “You can consider your promise fulfilled and you are no longer bound by any obligation.” I wanted him to leave as quickly as possible before I broke. I’d never had much willpower when it came to Zach, stubbornness, yes, but not willpower.

  “Are you here alone?” Zach asked with harshness to his voice sounding an awful lot like jealousy, but he was too late. He had his chance. Hell, he had dozens of chances.

  I pushed on the door, trying to block him out, sliding my foot behind the door to hopefully prevent him from gaining any more ground.

  “That’s entirely none of your business,” I nearly yelled at him. He had no business asking me. He was married for crying out loud. The thought gave me another burst of angry energy as I shoved at the door even harder. This time it gave a bit.

  Zach

  Something wasn’t quite right. From the moment Emma opened the door, I could see a change. Her eyes were puffy and they were red rimmed as though she’d been crying. I saw her struggle with her emotions at seeing me and I tried to use it to my advantage. As usual, Emma was stubborn. I could see the second she made up her mind not to give me a hug and to try and push me out. She was hiding something other than her fear, repressed feelings for me, and her grief for Eddie. I knew her well and I could see there was more going on.

  I looked around and saw no evidence of a man’s presence in the apartment, but then, I didn’t get a very good look with the room being dark and Emma shoving against the door trying to get me to leave. I was considering, if things escalated much more, Emma’s neighbors may call the cops, and I may have to leave and wait to confront her again tomorrow.

  Then I heard it, a faint sound. Emma visibly paled as she turned her head to the side listening. Her face took on a mask-like quality and she became obviously distracted.

  “I have to go…you need to leave,” she said as she began turning toward the hallway, shoving the door closed. I didn’t fight her. I was sure it wouldn’t do any good. She was already mentally in the other room.

  As the door slid closed and clicked, I noticed Emma had been too distracted to bother locking the door. I hated to say it, but my jealousy and my morbid curiosity got the best of me. Even though I knew Emma could charge me with trespassing, I quietly opened the door, entered, then closed and locked it behind me. I slowly made my way down the hall to where I assumed the bedrooms were.

  I saw a dim light in one of the doorways and made my way there, trepidation causing my heart to beat double time. What was I going to find? The thought scared the shit out of me, but I had to know. So, I followed the source of the light until I was standing in the doorway.

  Oh-my-fucking-god, it was a fucking nursery and Emma’s back was to me in the middle of the room. She held a little girl with black hair. My guess was she was probably nearing a year old. Emma shushed her as she rocked back and forth from one foot to the next, attempting to soothe the baby.

  I was frozen in the doorway. Jesus Christ, she looked exactly like pictures of me as a baby. Confusion followed very closely by realization. This little girl Emma was holding was mine. I was stunned, but while I thought back, things started falling into place. Like pieces of a puzzle, one piece led to another and then another until I could see the picture clearly.

  First, the condom broke during our first night. I knew Emma thought I was mad about taking her virginity, and that I regretted being with her. That was only partially true.

  I did regret Emma’s first time being in the back seat of my old crappy car. Also, I was worried Eddie was going to hate me for deflowering his sister. Both of those things were true, but my biggest concern was about the condom.

  I was so mad at myself for all those things, I ended up taking them out on poor Emma. I felt shame at how I acted. I never told Emma about the broken condom which was another thing I was ashamed of. I hadn’t manned up and taken the responsibility.

  Then, I assumed if she got pregnant, she would have told me, or at least Eddie would have. Except, I made it impossible for her when I refused to talk to her after the last weekend. I hurt Emma deeply with the way I pushed her away. I thought I was protecting her emotionally. How the hell was I supposed to know she was carrying my child? If I’d known, I would never have treated her like that.

  Another piece to the puzzle was Thanksgiving break. She had gained a little weight. It looked good on her since she had lost some weight when she first moved to school and wasn’t eating. I also remembered how she lost it when Eddie told her we were being deployed. Her body’s reaction wasn’t normal.

  She almost fainted more than once after her mom had died, said she felt sick to her stomach, and she was so tired. Also, she barely ate anything. I assumed it had to do with her mourning and the shock from losing her mother without warning.

  Then, I thought back to how Eddie, as well as Sarah, were “taking care” of Emma and Eddie’s outbursts. How pissed off he was at me, which seemed to be unexplained at the time. It must have been right around the time the baby was born. Finally, Eddie’s insistence if anything happened to him, I should take care of Emma. I thought it was brotherly love, but now I realize it was so much more.

  Oh shit! My parents knew. For fuck’s sake, I must have been the only person alive who didn’t know. How could my parents keep this information from me? They had a lot to answer for on this subject, but I’d deal with them later. First, I needed to wrap my head around this and figure things out with Emma.

  The more I thought about all of this, the madder I was getting about my child being kept a secret from me for over a year and a half. Who did that? And why? What did they all think I was, some jerk who would deny my kid and the mother of my child?

  It occurred to me it probably was exactly what everyone was thinking. Although I knew differently, I couldn’t blame them. I hadn’t give much of an indication I would accept this and
be a good dad.

  In fact, a few months ago, I would have been competing for the title of the world’s worst dad. I was suffering severely from PTSD for which I had not sought help. I had been a real bastard during my physical rehab and then drown myself in alcohol, wondering if anything in this life was worth living for.

  Yeah, I would have kept me away too. Still, I should have been given the option. I should have been told. Maybe it would have made a difference in my recovery.

  Emma began to move away from where she’d been standing and my attention was brought back to her and the beautiful little girl, my little girl. I watched closely as Emma lay the quieted child back in her crib with all pink accessories. That’s when she caught sight of me from the corner of her eye and gasped.

  She looked from me to the still form sleeping in the crib and then turned her head. I followed her gaze and what I saw sent me to my knees. A blow twice as strong as the first one and left me speechless.

  A second crib, this one in blue. Emma quietly, but swiftly walked toward me with fire in her eyes. I was seeing a mama bear coming at me, determined to protect her children. Protect our children, and she wanted to protect them from me.

  I scrambled to my feet, my first instinct was to flee, but then my training kicked in and I dug my heels in and stood my ground. Was Emma the enemy? Clearly, she thought I was. As she reached me, she stiff armed me right in the chest and shoved me with all her might and momentum out of the doorway.

  She was angry, I could see it. She looked like she was ready to spit nails, but I could tell she was also trying to be quiet. So I let her push me out of the way while she reached out and closed the door, leaving it open barely a crack instead of latching it.

  She grabbed my arm and silently drug me out into the living room where she flicked a light switch with more force than necessary.

  “What in God’s name do you think you’re doing in my home?” she asked with a quiet fury I’d never seen before.

  She was a force not to be messed with. “I told you to leave, I told you. You are not welcome here. I closed the door, and if I recall, you were on the outside. So, what are you doing here?” Her voice had risen a bit as she worked herself up more and more.

  I was still in such shock I had a hard time finding my voice. When I didn’t say anything right away, Emma glared at me and grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me toward the front door.

  “We have kids?” The best question my brain could come up with, but I put the brakes on her dragging me to the door as I found my voice and started to come out of my shocked stupor.

  “Hold on, not so fast, Emma. Answer me,” I demanded. “Those babies, I’m their father, aren’t I?” My tone left no wiggle room. I wanted the truth and I wanted her to say it.

  With a huff, she stopped yanking on my arm, and I felt her shoulders slump. “Yeah, they’re yours.” All the wind was taken out of her sails at once and she slowly walked to an older, but clean couch, sinking into the cushions. She bent forward and rested her forehead in her hands as she propped her elbows on her knees, refusing to look at me.

  I walked over, sat beside her, and pulled her into my arms. I needed answers and I was still fucking pissed, but clearly, this was not the time to push the envelope. Emma seemed so small, defeated. The fatigue was written over every inch of her body and I could feel the fight drain from her when I tucked her into my chest. Her tears started and I let her release all her emotions as sobs wracked her body, her fists balled into the front of my shirt, her face buried in the crook of my neck.

  Zach

  When the tears started to subside, I whispered in Emma’s ear, “We have a whole lot to talk about, but not tonight. Before I leave here tonight, give me one thing.”

  Emma’s tear stained face, looked up at me, silently questioning me as to my request. Her eyes were puffy and red. Her nose a bit snotty and her face blotchy from crying. Her lips were red and swollen, and yet she’d never looked more beautiful to me. I’d missed her so much. More than I ever thought possible. Even more than I missed Eddie.

  “Will you let me see our babies? I won’t wake them, I promise, and then I’ll leave and go to my hotel for the night.” I waited for her answer, holding my breath because I didn’t know if she’d grant me my wish or not. To her credit, Emma gave a slight, sad smile and nodded as she extricated herself from my arms and stood.

  She didn’t wait for me as she headed back down the hallway to the little bedroom. She silently swung the door open and stood aside to let me in. Twins, a boy and a girl, like Eddie and Emma.

  I tiptoed over to the crib I saw her lay the little girl down in and slowly approached. Afraid, yet exhilarated at the same time. I peered over the crib railing and saw a perfect angel lying on her side. She had a perfect face and more hair than I would have expected for her age.

  It was dark, like mine and had a lot of natural curl. More than mine, but it was undeniable. This didn’t surprise me since Emma’s hair had the perfect amount of natural spiral to it. I stared at her for what seems like hours. I wanted to reach out and touch her, make sure she was real, stroke her soft, chubby cheek and run my hand along her arm where the little fat rolls came together at her wrist and at her elbow.

  Then, I turned and headed to the other crib. I looked over the edge of the rail and saw a miniature Eddie in infant form. Tears started forming in my eyes. Oh my god, my emotions overwhelmed me. He wasn’t quite as chubby as the little girl and his coloring was fair, but he most definitely had Eddie’s features especially his wavy shock of red hair.

  He was sleeping peacefully on his back with his arms flung over his head. Not a care in the world. I could see his eyes moving a bit in REM sleep and his light red lashes fluttered against his cheeks. My son was going to be the spitting image of Eddie. I could already see it. I wiped a tear away as I turned and saw Emma standing in the light of the doorway, watching me as I saw my kids for the first time. Children that I didn’t even know I had.

  I felt a tremendous sense of peace and love envelope me as I stood there in the nursery. Nothing like I’d ever felt before in my whole life. Even the feelings I had for Emma weren’t the same as this. I needed to content myself with this short glimpse for now. It had been a long day for me with a shocking revelation. It had been an emotional slap in the face. I could only imagine how Emma felt. She looked like she desperately needed to get some sleep and I assumed she didn’t get a whole lot of it with twins to take care of.

  I left the room and allowed Emma to close the door leaving it cracked open like she had done before. I went out to the living room before I said anything.

  “Emma, I’m going to go to my hotel and try and get some sleep, although I suspect I won’t actually sleep much tonight. But, I’ll be back tomorrow. I want to meet my son and daughter. I’ve got a lot of questions as well as a lot of answers for you, so be prepared.” I wouldn’t be pushed aside anymore. I was going to be in those babies’ lives and hopefully in Emma’s again too.

  Emma sighed in resignation and nodded her head in the affirmative. I could see how tired she was both physically and emotionally. My heart ached for her and my arms were dying to do nothing more than pull her back into their protective cocoon and try to assuage some of her anguish. It wouldn’t do me any good, because I sensed she’d resist me. This had all been a lot for one evening, which meant it was time to go.

  I got to the front door, Em was following close behind. She hadn’t said a word since we left the nursery. I got it, she wasn’t sure if I was going to flake out on her and the kids like I had done so many times in the past. She’d been hiding this secret from me for a long time now. She had no idea how I was going to react.

  I pulled open the front door and turned to look at Emma. “What are their names?”

  Emma looked down at the floor, almost as though she was embarrassed. Then she straightened and looked me in the eye. “Trinity Sarah and Thomas Zachary Jenkins.”

  I saw red when she raised her chin
slightly in challenge as she tacked on the last name.

  “Peters!” I said firmly. “Those are my children, and they will have my last name. I know you don’t trust me at this point, Em, but I’m going to earn your trust and I’m going to be a good dad to our kids.”

  I didn’t wait for a response, her eyes widened and her lips started to form a retort, I turned and began to close the door. Before it was completely shut, I casually mentioned, “You may want to lock the door this time. I’ll call in the morning.” I heard the click of the door and then the slide of a deadbolt lock before I walked away.

  I didn’t even remember the drive to the hotel and barely remembered checking in. It was late, probably close to midnight. My thoughts whirred around like they had been thrown in a blender. The babies, Emma, Eddie, Sarah, my parents, and Charlie. All the people involved in keeping this from me.

  Then my mind wandered to Kelly and how desperately she tried to get me to start a family with her. I steadfastly refused to even think about it. I thought of the last time I stayed in this motel and a slew of memories hit me hard.

  A couple of months ago, I would have given anything if I could turn back the hands of time, reverse everything since the summer after graduation. Now, I realized that changing the past was pointless, the fact was I’d changed. I wasn’t that young boy anymore. I was a man who had been through more than I should have by the age of twenty-one. Finding out I had one-year-old twins was another life changer. I needed to take responsibility for all that has happened.

  I took a long shower. I didn’t know how long, my mind was drifting to the nursery, to the battlefield, to my counselling and AA meetings and so many other things. I knew the water got cold and then rewarmed numerous times while I stood under the steady pounding. When I got out, the bathroom was like a sauna and my fingers and toes were pruned.

  I crawled into bed, praying my mind would slow down enough to let me fall asleep. With everything Emma and I needed to talk about tomorrow, the last thing I needed was to be sleep deprived. No, I needed a clear head. Tomorrow was a new day, and I planned to live it to the fullest. No more wallowing in my pain and grief, consumed with death. There was new life to replace what had been lost.