by Linnea Valle
Emma
I closed the door, locking it as Zach had instructed me. I turned and leaned my back against the door, sliding down to a sitting position. I didn’t even know what to think at this point. I was scared, really scared. I was especially afraid of Zach’s ominous last words declaring we both had questions and answers to deal with tomorrow. I thought I’d let go but apparently, I was lying to myself.
I needed to know, although I didn’t want to know. I craved it and yet cringed at the thought. I assumed by this point, I’d let go of the aching desire to hear, from the one man who was there with him, exactly what happened to Eddie. I had to have final closure. I grieved daily, but was holding back when it came to moving on because of my need for understanding.
I was also worried about answering his questions. Zach was so confusing tonight in his actions and reactions. At first, he was very confident and expected me to be glad to see him even after I thought I’d made it clear I didn’t want to talk to him or see him. Zach ignored my wishes and just showed up at my apartment. I had refused to talk to him for the last three weeks. What didn’t he get about that?
When I turned and saw Zach standing in the doorway watching me soothe Trinity, it scared me. I hadn’t wanted to tell him about the kids and his parents had been understanding in my reasoning. Carol, however, made it very clear she wanted me to allow her son into the kids’ lives.
The look on Zach’s face when he saw we had not one child, but twins, was unexpected. His face blanched even more than it already had when he saw Trinity. Then he saw Tommy’s crib and I almost ran to him as I watched his knees buckle. He held onto the door as he sank to the floor, staring with his jaw lax, the disbelief written all over his face. Disbelief it was real, but also resignation. He knew without a doubt they were his children.
I knew it was late, but I knew who I needed to talk to. “Sarah, were you sleeping?” I already knew the answer, Sarah didn’t sleep any more than I did, which was hardly at all.
“No, honey, just laying here pretending to be asleep. You know how it goes…” she trailed off. “What’s up? Are the twins okay?”
Sarah had been with me from the beginning. She’d seen my worst and best days. We shared an indescribable bond. She was my sister in the truest sense of the word.
“Well, Zach came to the apartment tonight,” I said. I let the news sink in for a minute as I heard her small gasp over the phone line.
“What happened? Did the bastard bring his wife with him? Did you tell him about Trinity and Tommy?” She asked questions, not giving me a chance to answer.
“First off, no, he was alone, thank God!” I swore under my breath at the thought of what I would have done if he’d brought his wife with him.
The words cat fight popped into my head, and I chuckled slightly at the thought of scratching and pulling the hair of a woman I didn’t even know. I couldn’t help but hate her. I knew it wasn’t her fault. She probably didn’t even know I existed, and she sure as fuck didn’t know my kids existed. I knew Carol did not approve of the marriage and she never would have confided in Zach’s wife. Especially considering she had been true to her word and hadn’t even told her own son.
“Well,” I began, “let me tell you what happened.” I could almost see Sarah’s nod as I imagine her head bobbing up and down. “I was in bed, but I wasn’t asleep when there was a pounding on the door. I didn’t even think and opened it. As soon as I saw it was Zach I tried to push the door closed on him and told him to leave.”
“But he didn’t.” Sarah interjected, knowing Zach well enough, from Eddie’s stories, to know if he came, he wouldn’t be leaving without getting his way.
“No,” I said in a small voice, almost ashamed I didn’t fight harder. “Seeing him at the door…he looked so good and he, I mean, it was Zach. Him showing up shocked and confused me. So many emotions crowded my brain, but also into my traitorous body. I didn’t know what to do. I let my instincts take over and I lashed out at him.”
“We fought for a few minutes in the doorway when I heard Trin waking up. I shoved him out and went to go get her. Apparently, I wasn’t thinking and didn’t lock the door.”
Sarah gasped. “He followed you?”
“Yes, but I didn’t know it until I had settled Trin and laid her back down, then I saw him standing at the bedroom door watching me. The worst part though was when he saw Tommy’s crib.”
“What? Tell me, Emma. God, I’m dying here! What happened, did he get mad? He didn’t come after you or the kids, did he?” Sarah was starting to get upset.
“No, he looked like he’d just, I don’t know. It was obviously a huge shock and he sunk down to his knees, his mouth gasping for breath. Like I’d knocked the wind out of him or something.” I told her quickly.
“I was as shocked to see him there and all I wanted was to get him out of their room. I think I must have looked intimidating, because he stood and back-peddled. We got out to the living room and all he did was ask if they were his kids. He already knew the answer.”
“Oh my god, and you had to tell him. No sense in lying.” Sarah correctly surmised. “Then what did he do?”
“Oh Sarah,” I almost wailed into the phone. “I couldn’t hold it together any more. All this time of holding it all in.”
She knew I wasn’t talking solely about hiding the pregnancy from him but everything. Losing him, mom dying, having the babies while still trying to go to school, Eddie’s death, and Zach’s final betrayal, all weighed on me.
“I broke down and I couldn’t stop myself. He sat down beside me and held me while I cried. Oh Sarah, I let him.” I confessed, but what I didn’t tell her was how reluctant I was to pull away and leave the warmth of his arms. My heart and my body were traitors to the thoughts I’d had for close to two years now.
Sarah sighed on the other end of the phone. “You never could resist that boy.” She gave a light, slightly bitter chuckle. “Hey, you’ve been through a lot, don’t kick yourself over it. What happened next?”
“Well, after I’d stopped snotting all over his shirt, he asked if he could go back and look at the twins.”
“I led him quietly back. I could see his hands clenching and unclenching. I think he wanted to reach out and touch Trinity so badly. But when he went to Tommy’s crib, he started crying. He stood there, staring at him, with tears in his eyes, one occasionally slipping loose. Then he left the room.”
“Did he say anything after he left the room?” Sarah urged.
“He was going to go back to the hotel and we had a lot of things to discuss tomorrow. Oh, and he asked their names.” I remember the proprietary way he proclaimed them to be Peters rather than Jenkins and a small amount of hope sprang to life. Maybe my kids wouldn’t have to grow up without a father like Eddie and I did.
I secretly hoped his wife was back at the hotel and gave him all sorts of grief over his teary, snotty shirt. What’s more, I hope she smelled me on his clothes. For someone who was over him, I was sure acting like the jealous, scorned lover.
“Wow. What are you going to do now, Emma? How much are you going to give in?”
Good question, I had hoped Sarah would have some words of wisdom for me. “Shit, Sarah! I’m so confused and I don’t know what to think. I still have to face him tomorrow and go over everything. He knows I have questions he needs to answer, but I’m sure I have a lot to answer for too. How am I going to be strong. Especially without you here”
“Emma, you’re stronger than you think. You can hold your own with Zach, you always have been able to, you just didn’t realize it. It’s time you start believing in yourself. Do not apologize for any of your actions. He brought all this on himself by his actions. Eddie believed it. Even Zach’s parents understood and supported you. They wouldn’t have agreed if you’d been wrong. Zach was a man-child at the time and afterwards, he was in no shape to be a father. He certainly, had no right to be in your lives.” Sarah finished her speech and took a deep breath then let it ou
t slowly. “Having said that, remember he’s simply a man who’s been through a lot. Maybe you two need to get it all out of the way. Then you can finally let it go.”
Zach
I didn’t sleep worth a shit last night, no matter how tired I was, every time I closed my eyes, I relived the evening, every single piece of it. And fuck if I wasn’t blown away every time I thought about it. I didn’t know what I should have expected when I pounded on Emma’s door, but nothing was as it was supposed to be.
There were so many things I should have been feeling, mostly furious, at everyone in my life, but oddly enough, I wasn’t. A bit pissed off? Yeah, I was pissed and I’d be seeking some answers, although I knew I’d get over it. I also had a supreme feeling of serenity. Like, for the first time in a very long time, things felt right and I was at peace. The two feelings were totally at odds with one another.
Then, I realized that being mad was because I hadn’t known about my kids for over a year and a half. The serenity and peace came from being a dad and how good that felt. I had a direction for my life now.
There was still a lot I needed to talk to Emma about, as well as my parents, and I needed to speak with Sarah. At this point, my first priority was my children. God, the sound of that was foreign. I should have known, but now that I did, there would be no turning back. I planned on being a part of their lives even if Emma wanted to push me away. If she wanted nothing to do with me in the future, I wouldn’t blame her, but I wouldn’t let it change anything as far as my kids. I wanted to be with them. I’d already missed so much. I hoped Emma would also let me be a part of her life at the same time.
I came on a mission to win her back, if I could, and I wasn’t letting any goddamned thing get in my way. I still didn’t know if she had a man in her life, but I was going to get her back. I had her heart once and I threw it away. I wouldn’t make the mistake again if I was lucky enough to get a second chance. It was time to be a man.
I was a time zone away from Dr. Mooney, so even though it was early here, I knew he’d be in his office. I wanted the support, the encouragement, and a pep talk, but I also knew I needed to do this on my own. My days of leaning on Dr. Mooney were numbered.
It was barely after eight o’clock when I called Emma. I’d already showered and went to a small coffee shop. I sat at the counter and had coffee and a stack of pancakes with a side of sausage. I needed this to bolster my nerves and steel my resolve for any fight she might put up. I was ready for it.
Emma answered on the second ring and I hoped I didn’t wake her or the babies.
“Zach.” Her tone was flat and unreadable. I got a knot in my stomach the size of the mountain of pancakes I just ate. I had no idea what her reaction to me was going to be today. I resolved to try to take it slow.
“Emma, tell me what your schedule is today. I want to meet my babies when they are awake. I want to be able to hold them and talk to them.” I sounded like an ass. Frankly, I was waiting for her to tell me to go screw myself.
When she didn’t, I continued, “We have a lot of talking to do, so the earlier the better.” I wasn’t leaving her any room to try and get out of this like she did when I was calling a month ago.
“I understand, and I have a lot of questions I need answered too,” she replied a bit defensively. Not a good start to the day with me becoming a jackass and her getting defensive. In Emma’s case, defensive also meant she got stubborn.
“When can I come over?” I thought she’d try to put me off. To my surprise, she didn’t.
“Whenever you want. I don’t work and school is out for summer, so it’s only the kids and me.” She’s not giving anything away in her voice. When she said it was her and the kids, no one else, it gave me a glimmer of hope maybe she didn’t have a man in her life. Maybe, if I worked hard and was lucky enough, I could eventually win back Emma’s love.
“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” I told her.
Driving a bit too fast on the way from the hotel to Emma’s apartment, I arrived there in half the time. This was surreal, meeting my children for the first time.
Had Emma mentioned me to them at all. At their age, they didn’t understand much. How was she going to introduce me? Would I be Zach or daddy? My heart clenched at the thought as I knocked on the door.
Em opened the door almost immediately, with my daughter Trinity, perched on her hip. Emma looked tired, like she hadn’t slept for weeks, but she looked so natural with the little dark-haired girl in her arms.
Looking carefully at Trinity, she had curly hair, little spirals, like her mom’s only instead of Emma’s red hair, she had deep brown hair, nearly black. Her skin was porcelain and flawless. Her features were delicate yet reminiscent of pictures of me when I was the same age. It was her eyes that mesmerized me. They were an impossible blue, large and framed with thick, dark lashes. She was beautiful.
Bent at the waist, I was observing this little beauty, when Emma grabbed a hold of my chin and pulled upward until I straightened and looked in her eyes. Those were the eyes I had seen in my memories before I went to sleep every night. Pools of aqua swam in front of me and I was torn. Did I look at Em, Trinity or go find my little guy?
“Zach, come in and make yourself comfortable. They aren’t going anywhere, I promise.” Emma seemed almost amused at my wonderment with Trinity.
“Oh, uh, yeah.” I followed her in and closed the door behind me, automatically tossing the deadbolt in place.
“Where’s Thomas?” I peered over her shoulder. Em started to laugh. My stomach clenched. That sound was the best damned thing I’d heard in so long. Nothing in my life had been funny for a long time. I barely remembered what laughter sounded like. “What’s so funny?”
“We call him Tommy. Maybe when he’s older he’ll want to go by Tom or Thomas, but for now, he’s Tommy. And, he’s right over there.” She pointed to a play yard set up in the living room which was not there last night.
There he sat, moving some wooden blocks around on the floor as though they were cars and trucks. As I approached, Tommy looked up at me. After a half a second, he started beaming at me with a toothy grin. His smile was infectious and I couldn’t help smiling back.
Then it hit me, I’d missed so much. So many milestones in their short lives, but big ones, nonetheless, were already past. First teeth, first time to crawl and apparently first steps were all things I’d been absent for. Tommy got up from where he was sitting and toddled over to the gate, still grinning. I crouched down on my haunches to be more at his level.
“Hey there, Tommy.” He answered me with another huge grin showing off four teeth.
He stretched his arms out to be picked up, which shocked the hell out of me. Either that, or maybe he wanted released from the play area. I looked over my shoulder at Emma, silently asking for permission.
Emma nodded. “Go ahead. He’s your son too.”
My heart soared as I stood and reached over the edge to lift him up in my arms. Not being very good with babies, I looked at how Em was holding Trinity and tried to mimic it. “How’s that? Can you believe he wanted me to pick him up?”
Emma chuckled. “Yes, he’s an attention hog and always into something. Tommy pulls at my short, scruff of facial hair and surprised me even further when he rubbed his hands on my long stubble.
“Wat iz dat?” He asked in the cutest little baby voice I’d ever heard.
Dumbfounded, I turned to Emma for help, but she was busy being amused by this whole exchange. She walked over and gave Tommy a rub on the back.
“Tommy, that is a beard, can you say “beard?” she coached him. Surprised when he repeated the word, pride swelled in my chest. Although it sounded more like “bihd.” It wasn’t a real beard, but it seemed easier than explaining my two-day scruff.
I chuckled and Tommy started laughing at me as he rubbed my facial hair, repeating over and over his version of the word beard. I laughed so hard and with such joy I started to get teared up.
“Em, do
you want them to call me Zach or Dad or…. what? I want them to know who I am.”
Emma’s brows furrowed. I couldn’t tell if she was deciding the answer or if she was preparing to tell me bad news.
“Well, are you okay with them calling you daddy?” Emma hesitated. “I mean, you are, but you found out less than twelve hours ago, so I totally understand if you’re not comfortable with it. And then, I don’t know if you’re going to contest their paternity,” she added on quietly while looking down and playing with Trinity’s little hand.
“Fuck no. I have no doubt about paternity,” I declared and looked at Emma. She showed a look of concerned shock as her eyes widened.
What she was attempting to tell me? Then Tommy tried to repeat my curse word. Damn, I didn’t even think before I spoke. They were probably like little parrots. I was going to have to watch everything I said in their presence.
“Tommy, that’s a no-no word Mommy doesn’t want you saying, okay?” He grinned at her and continued petting my face. He was easily distracted with his fascination of my scruff. Emma looked up at me with a wry look on her face and gave a slight shrug.
“I’m sorry, Em. Guess I’m not so good at this yet. I’ll be more careful.” I took a deep breath as I attempted to imprint this on my brain.
“Um, as long as you’re okay with it, I’d like them to call me daddy. I like the way it sounds. It gives me a feeling of purpose, like not everything I’ve done in my life is bad. They’re the good.” I got choked up as I revealed this to her.
Emma nodded in understanding. “I have to admit, I told them this morning they were going to get to see their daddy today.” She looked sheepish after she made this confession, but hearing it had my lips forming a smile.
Even if Emma and I didn’t work things through with each other, she was going to be supportive of me being the best dad to the twins I possibly could be. The idea immediately healed many holes in my soul. Spaces I didn’t know existed and caverns I didn’t think would ever be filled again.