by Linnea Valle
While I found myself questioning if I even wanted to hear any of the details of my brother’s death, I had a definite sense Zach needed to tell me. He said as much, even if he thought I would hate him afterwards.
His need to confess something he obviously felt enormous guilt about was so great, he was willing to take the risk of me hating him. It was an even bigger risk after learning about the existence of the twins and his proclamation of love. Likely his need to unburden himself was even stronger than my need for closure.
It would be unfair of me to deny him. I was sure my desire for understanding would allow him to say what he needed to say, no matter how painful it was for both of us. I knew it had been painful for Zach. He almost gave his life trying to save Eddie’s, and then almost took his own life with the guilt over not being successful in saving him. The least I could do was hear him out.
As for what was to become of us? I couldn’t say. I knew the heart wanted what the heart wanted, but I didn’t know if my heart could withstand what was being asked of it. I would give Zach a chance to prove himself as a dad. If today was any indication, he’d be a good father, even if we weren’t together.
I heard Trinity begin to stir, which meant Tommy wasn’t far behind. She always was the last to fall asleep and the first to wake. They were so much like Eddie and me. I was the one who was always up after everyone else drifted off, and the first one to rise in the mornings. Except, when we’d have a sleepover. When I thought about it, Zach was the one still going at night and who sat staring at Eddie and me in the morning, waiting for us. Maybe Trinity was more like her dad than she was like me. The thought made me smile.
Zach
The hours until I could go back to Emma’s apartment were long and harder to fill than I’d imagined. While I tried to find something to do with myself, I paced a path in the hotel’s carpeting. Obviously, keeping myself cooped up in my room was not a good idea, so I went for a five-mile run, before returning for a shower.
I found a pizza place by asking at the front desk and couldn’t bear trying to kill any more time. I was still early, but I couldn’t wait any more. I’d gone over in my head what I needed to tell Emma so many times, I probably could have recited the whole thing from memory as though I was reading it off cue cards.
After I picked up both pizzas, as requested, I rushed back to her apartment. I bounded out of the car balancing the two pizza boxes, one tiny one stacked on top of the larger one, and knocked on her door. I was excited to see all three of them, even if it ended up being my last time. I honestly didn’t know how Em was gonna react after I’d had my say. It was possible that she would tell me to leave and never show my face around her or the kids again.
I’d contemplated what I would do if that happened. I only saw three options. I could fight her in court to see the kids, I could fall prostrate on the floor and beg her, or I could make a no-fuss exit and disappear. Begging seemed like the only real option. I wouldn’t take Emma to court and I couldn’t disappear from their lives. I hoped to God it wouldn’t come to any of those choices.
Like before, Emma opened the door with Trinity perched on her hip. She looked so good. I didn’t even know how to describe it. Something seemed to have changed since I left earlier. Emma was definitely nervous. I saw it in the way her eyes avoided mine. This time Trinity smiled when she saw me.
“Trade ya.” I said, offering Em the pizza boxes as I leaned down to smile at Trinity. If Emma wanted to avoid eye contact, I was more than happy to entertain and get to know my kids better.
She took the pizza while I leaned down to scoop up Trinity off Em’s hip with one hand. We managed the transfer like we’d had practice doing these sorts of ordinary domestic tasks for the last year and a half. Maybe if we were able to make it through this evening still talking, we’d have time in the future to do all those homey tasks.
I looked around and spotted Tommy on the floor, playing with a barn which made all sorts of sounds with every different thing he touched. Trinity seemed perfectly content with me as I walked over and set her down across from her brother.
“Hey there Tommy, can Trinity and I play on the farm with you?” I asked as Emma headed to the kitchen with the food.
We played for a few minutes before Trinity pushed herself up and went over to a basket in the corner. She dug through it, pulling everything out as she searched for something.
“Trinity, whatcha looking for, cutie?”
“Cow,” she said so clearly, right when she pulled out a white and black spotted toy cow, no doubt part of the barn play set. She positively glowed as she triumphantly held it out to us. Toddling back to where Tommy and I were on the floor, she knelt and started bouncing the cow around saying, “Moo,” again and again.
I was amazed at how advanced they were for their age, yet not really surprised. Emma was a very smart woman. I wasn’t dumb, at least not academically. I watched Emma, she appeared to be always working with the kids. From what I could tell, she was always teaching them things, and stretching their minds.
“Tommy and Trinity, it’s time to eat. Can you come with me and get your hands washed up?” Emma laid plastic plates with small pieces of the cheese pizza on the table in front of two separate high chairs.
She’d also included slices of a banana and a little bit of what looked to be mashed sweet potatoes. She had put sippy cups beside the plates. I was impressed with how efficient she was at taking care of two little ones at the same time.
The twins lit up at the call to dinner and I was left forgotten on the floor. I followed behind, wondering if she’d set out my dinner too, or if I’d be left behind and forgotten by her as well. My heart sunk at the thought. I realized I was in the middle of a pity party, probably due to the stress of my upcoming discussion with Emma.
“Hey, what can I do to help?” I asked her as she grabbed each child by the arm and guided them into a room I’d not yet looked in. I assumed it was the bathroom, which was confirmed as I heard water start when I rounded the corner. She leaned down and wrapped an arm around the stomach of each child, lifted, and tipped them so they could reach out and put their hands under the water.
“Em, here, let me help,” I offered, but she shrugged me off.
“I got this Zach. It’s a routine for us.” She said, dismissing my help. So, I stood there, hands shoved in my jeans pockets, sulking. I wanted to be a part of their daily lives and to help take some of the burden off Em, but I felt her pushing me away. Was this real or my insecurities rearing their ugly head?
They finished washing their hands. Emma set them down and started drying one, then the other tiny sets of hands. She wiped her own and turned, letting out a small yelp of surprise when she noticed I was still standing in the doorway.
I felt the scowl on my face. I turned sideways in the doorway, and let the three of them pass, never taking my hands out of my pockets or taking my eyes off Emma. I was feeling completely off kilter. I’d had hope at first, but suddenly it was as though I wasn’t even there.
I silently followed them out into the small dining area. “Can I do anything to help?” I asked again, daring Emma to turn me down once more.
“Oh, uh, I usually don’t get a chance to eat until the twins have finished, but you go ahead. Grab some pizza and eat it while it’s warm. Plates are on the counter and there is pop or juice in the fridge. And, of course, there’s milk. Charlie left a couple of beers in the back of the fridge…” she trailed off embarrassed and looked away.
“Oh, my,” she stumbled over her words, “I didn’t mean, well…” She stopped again, not knowing what else to say. I could feel an expletive ready to roll off her tongue, but she had practice at watching what she said. “Zach, I’m so sorry, I didn’t even think.”
“Hey, it’s okay, I’ll have some water. I’m used to turning down alcohol by now, Em. Believe me, it’s not a sore topic.” I tried to reassure her, but I was kind of glad to see her flustered. I knew how it sounded, but it meant I wasn’t a c
omplete afterthought this evening.
I grabbed a plate, put some pizza on it and took it to Em. “Here, you eat the pizza while it’s warm and let me help the kids with their dinner.”
“What? No! I mean, you’ve never done this, Zach. You don’t need…” I cut her off with a hand in the air and a shooing motion.
“Well, it’s about fu…” I stopped myself before dropping the F-bomb since I was sure Tommy would try to repeat it. “It’s about time I learned and started helping with my children the way a decent father would do.”
Gently grabbing her shoulders, I pulled her up and moved her from in between the two highchairs. I sat my ass down and gave her a pointed look. “I got this. Enjoy your warm pizza.”
She looked wary, but conceded, moving around the table to sit opposite us. Watching in amusement as I tried to coax first one, then the next toddler to take a bite.
When Emma and the kids seemed to be done, I got the kids down and took them back into the bathroom. They were both a mess. I snuck a glance at Emma who looked amused by all of this. I found a washcloth and told the kids to stand still while I warmed the water and wet, then wrung the washcloth. I had no idea if I needed soap, but since Emma didn’t use any before dinner, and she’d mentioned something about a bath, I figured the soap could wait if we got most of the dried food off their hands and faces.
“You two did good eating dinner tonight, daddy is proud of you. Let’s go find mommy.”
They both responded with squeals and scampered out of the room in search of their mom. I followed them out and I was feeling damned good, better than I felt earlier. I thought I did a good job for a complete novice.
I went straight to the kitchen and grabbed some cold pizza and a glass of water and sat down at the table, my back facing the living room. I didn’t want Emma to see how proud I was of what I considered a huge accomplishment. Emma had cleared all their dishes and had wiped up the mess we made while we were in the bathroom.
I ate my pizza in silence while Emma played in the background, having the kids find different toys out of their basket of toys. I had no idea what she thought of my fatherly skills or lack thereof. Just another thing we were going to be talking about after the kids were asleep. They were pretty wound up after dinner. I wasn’t sure how much more stamina they had in them. I for one, was already beat.
I walked over to the couch after clearing my dishes and putting the leftovers in the fridge while Em was still playing with the twins. She intervened as they started bickering over a toy and I saw Trinity yawn as she went to rummage in their stash of toys.
“It’ll be bath time soon,” Emma looked up at me, “and then stories before bed. They tend to fight bedtime more than naps, be prepared.
Right then, I was glad Emma was going to let me participate. I shouldn’t have expected her to relinquish control this soon. I knew I had a lot to prove, to show her I could and would do the parenting thing.
I sat on the couch and watched the three of them play for a while longer. I pouted a little that I had been left forgotten, although I did love watching Emma with the kids. She seemed happy, smiled and laughed like the old days. Which was when I recalled some totally inappropriate memories and shifted uneasily on the couch.
The dirty thoughts brought more guilt and I was about ready to excuse myself and go outside when Emma stood, my eyes were drawn to her body. She was still thin, but she was a woman now, with motherly curves in all the right places. I couldn’t help thinking I would love to learn her body all over again and see if she liked the things she used to like. Damn she was doing a fucking number on my libido as she stretched and bent forward at the waist to coax the twins to pick up their toys for bath time.
I didn’t think standing would be such a good idea for me, but not sure how I was going to avoid it. Unless I could shrink into the couch and be forgotten like I already had been since I got here. I was pouting, and I knew it, but fuck it! I didn’t care. I lost the woman I loved, and lost my best friend. Over the last year I’d lost battle after battle, and then I found out I’d lost out on time with children I didn’t know I’d had. Time I would never be able to get back. So, yeah, I was in a bad mood. I was a nobody to Emma, Trinity, and Tommy. Also, I was pissed she had this effect on my body after all I had been through when it seemed I didn’t faze her at all.
Emma turned to say something to me but she stopped with her mouth wide open before her first word got past her delectable lips. She stared at me watching her, sure I looked like a sex crazed maniac. I probably scared her again. But then she snapped her mouth shut and with a look part siren, part shy country girl, she licked her bottom lip. It lingered in between her teeth for a few seconds and I saw a fire start to burn in her eyes. A fire I recognized.
“Um,” Em fumbled with her words, “It’s bedtime…I mean, it’s time to bathe the kids before they go to bed. Did you, uh, want to help? Baths can be a fun time, but you might get, um, well,” she hesitated and tried to look for another word, her embarrassment bloomed on her cheeks and she started to fidget. “Wet.” She finally stated, like the word itself was hot on her tongue.
“I’m at your disposal, anything you want. I’m here to take care of you, Em. I need to learn what to do and how if I’m going to be a real dad. And I want that very much.” I stood, without taking my eyes off her.
Even though we were talking about the kids, I was very serious about my intentions as far as the twins were concerned. I think both Emma and I were aware of the double entendre of what we were saying ever since she caught me staring lustfully at her. Her talk about getting wet and me being at her disposal and wanting to take care of her. I didn’t think it was a secret what we both meant.
“Okay, well, you grab Tommy and I’ll get Trin,” she mumbled as she turned away, breaking eye contact.
The spark was still there, I knew we both felt it. Hell, I was embarrassed to stand up, it was evident, but becoming a dad was more important than what I would like to do to Emma. Thoughts about the talk we still needed to have tonight was a boner killer.
I walked over to where they were playing. “Tommy, hey buddy.” I tried to ease in to this so I didn’t scare him. But, to my surprise and great relief, Tommy looked up at me and gave me a megawatt grin. Holding out my arms, I bent down and he put his little hands in the air asking to be picked up. He looked so much like a miniature Eddie and the thought wrenched my gut into a huge knot. My smile faltered, but I grabbed him and stood tall. This was our legacy, our tribute to Eddie’s memory.
“What’s the first order of business?” I asked Emma, who had Trinity in her arms and had recovered her composure.
“We lay their pajamas out and diapers, and start running a tub. This is going to be so much easier with two people.” She smiled up at me. “I’ve been doing everything by myself since Sarah went home a several weeks ago. It’s amazing how much help Sarah was and I’ve definitely missed it.”
“How is Sarah?” Concern laced my voice. Even from what my mom had said, Sarah had not faired any better than the rest of us in coping with Eddie’s death. Poor thing. I knew Eddie was going to ask her to marry him after our unit returned. I was sure she suspected it, because they had talked about moving in together after he got back stateside.
“Not good.” Emma’s look of sadness and concern for her friend was so genuine it made a tear spring to my eye. The thought of Emma dying was like a stab to the heart. My chest ached for Sarah, and what she won’t ever be able to have with Eddie.
We got the kids bathed and yes, it was a lot of fun. Laughter filled the bathroom and I had, indeed, gotten wet. I watched them splash and have fun as they giggled and chortled.
Emma took care of Tommy, then handed me a wide toothed comb and asked me to comb out Trinity’s hair. I sat on the floor of their room, with a jammied, quiet, and subdued Trinity snuggled into me and gently combed her hair. It was surprisingly long for her age. Emma pulled two small books off a shelf and sat beside me to read. By the time she f
inished the books, the kids were out like a light.
I wanted this part to go on forever. They were so peaceful and so sweet. They were clean and smelled good. I loved the way Trinity was nuzzled into my body. This felt right. But, I knew when we laid them down, we were in for some serious talking, which I wanted to put off. I knew I couldn’t though. I was anxious to get it off my chest, so to speak.
Zach
The kids were asleep and the house was quiet, eerily so. I was sure Em was as anxious about the talk we were about to have tonight, as I was. She was fidgeting and twirling her hair around a finger, then slowly unwinding it before repeating the process. That only served to accentuate her gorgeous red hair with natural ringlet curls. I wanted to touch her, but I knew better. This was not the time for my earlier wayward thoughts.
We sat on the couch, each with a glass of water. I had told Emma it was fine if she wanted to have a beer or some wine, it wouldn’t bother me.
“Well,” I began. “I guess it’s time to address the elephant in the room.” Emma looked worried and left her hair alone in favor of wringing her hands in her lap, but she gave a slight nod, so I went on.
“After Eddie and I got to Afghanistan, I knew something was up with you. I could always tell by how upset Eddie was after he’d get off the phone or a video chat with you and Sarah.” I glanced over at Em, and she was still worrying her hands and didn’t look at me.
“I tried to get him to tell me, but he was mad at me. More than mad, he was furious with me.” Emma looked up, confusion showed on her face. I rushed to continue. “Looking back on it, my guess is it was around the time you must have had the babies. I remember Eddie and I got into a big fight and he refused to even talk to me for what felt like forever.” I looked away, only seeing my memory which played out on the wall like a movie projection.
“He was mad because I was so stubborn and wouldn’t call you, accused me of not caring about anyone but myself. He added a few other select names and he told me I either needed to man up or butt the hell out.” The memory of that day in the mess tent seemed so real. I felt like I could reach out and touch the food tray and I almost jumped at the clatter of noise when Eddie had toppled the trays.