The days continued to flow into each other as I occupied myself with the farm chores during the day, and would knit or spin the last of the wool by the firelight at night. I made the gloves, I promised myself, out of the rabbit fur I had saved. They were soft and warm on the inside and would come in handy when the cold weather hit. I had plenty of clothes to wear since my mother had dresses I could wear, along with my own, and I could even use my brother’s clothes if I had to tramp out in the snow, come winter. I cooked and washed and cleaned, read books and looked forward to the end of winter when everything could go back to normal once the baby was finally born. I did not take any time making clothes for the expected child since I had no intentions of keeping it.
About after a week Captain Millwood had brought his troops, he showed up again. Only this time, he was by himself. Because of that, I felt it only proper to invite him in for tea and he accepted. He looked a little awkward as he removed his hat and hung it on the hook by the door. Then he seated himself in one of the straight back chairs my father had made. I realized how tall he was as he sat stiffly, his knees, which he tapped his fingers against, a little higher than the seat of the chair.
I left him to get the tea and bring it in. Then I seated myself across from him with the tea-table between us and began pouring out the tea. I offered him crackers with his tea. They were the very crackers we had just finished storing in the cellar which came from the empty cracker barrel I had been hiding in. At first, he merely smiled and sipped on his tea. He seemed nervous as his blue eyes darted about the room.
“You have a very nice home,” he said at last.
“Yes, my father built the house and the furniture,” I told him.
“You must be lonely living here. Perhaps you should come into town over the winter,” he suggested.
“This is my home. I don’t mind being alone. In fact, I prefer it. I have enough for my means. You have nothing to worry about.”
I narrowed my eyes at him to let him know I was stubborn and would not budge from my home.
“If I had the capability, I would offer to remain here and help you,” he offered.
“I don’t need help,” I almost erupted. “I am perfectly able to care for myself.
I wished he would stop meddling and let me get on with my life!
“Do you have any family anywhere in the area?”
“No. My parents, along with my brother and I, came over from Ireland. My mother’s younger sister, who came with us, and her husband whom she met after we arrived, were killed by the Indians. Her son came with me to the Lenape village and her two daughters went to other villages. They are my only living relative I am aware of.”
“What about your uncle’s family?”
“I never met them. I don’t even know if they came to America or not?”
“You need to find yourself a husband, only being isolated here would prevent you from that,” he said matter of fact in an effort to fix my problem while eyeing me, as though he wasn’t sure how I would take such a comment.
“I don’t wish to be married,” I said flatly. “I doubt I will ever get married!”
“Why ever not?” he asked raising his eyebrows.
“I have no need for a husband. I can manage on this homestead well enough to survive without the help of some man getting tangled up in my life.”
“That is a silly assumption!” he said. “You are a mere girl! You need someone to protect you and do the heavy work. You need to raise a family to leave your homestead to when you are gone. Don’t you want a family to mother?”
“No!” I almost shrieked.
I found my hand gripping my belly, and to cover up the instinctive response, I started straightening my skirt. I did not want someone to get attached to me the way I had been attached to my own family. I didn’t want a child to discover me dead the next time some other Indian tribe decided to attack us. I would rather take my chances on my own so no one would have to face the same horrors I had faced by losing everyone who was dear to them. On top of that, I was no longer a virgin.
He probably knew that, I thought as I gave him a sideways glance. I had been captured by the Indians. What else would he think? No one would want a woman the Indians had used. Men wanted virgins to become their wives. I couldn’t understand why he even suggested it, considering he knew I had been captured by the Lenape, and also knew what the Indians did with white women?
“In that case, I will consider it my duty to continue to make sure you are safe and have everything you need. If you lack for anything, you must be sure and let me know so I can help you attain it.”
“I need nothing,” I smiled.
“Well, perhaps not right now, but in the future.”
“It is not your duty to do that,” I insisted.
“Only I have made it my duty to do that,” he said stubbornly.
“Captain Millwood, you needn’t trouble yourself over me,” I murmured.
“Call me Martin,” he said quietly. “I hope you will eventually allow me to become your friend.”
“That is kind of you, but…”
I was running out of excuses and patience with the man. I didn’t want to be rude, but at the moment, I felt like throwing him out on his ear if it had been possible.
“I will not listen to your refusal,” he cut me off. “It is no trouble for me to help you or make sure you are safe.”
I pursed my lips and shook my head. There seemed to be no changing his mind. His eyes looked so pleading to help and he would never give up trying to be that protective person which made him join the troops in the first place, I assumed.
“In that case,” I said with a sly smile, “It seems all of our livestock was taken after the Indians captured us. I wouldn’t mind getting my cow back.”
“Yes, we took your animals. I am not sure what became of them, though. Probably given to some family in need.”
“Well I am in need now, and I would like my animals back. I have a buggy, but no horse. I am not that concerned about the horse right now, but a cow I could get milk from would be appreciated since you are so bent to help me!”
Captain Millwood laughed.
“Yes, I suppose that could be arranged, even if I have to get you a new cow,” he grinned.
“Thank you,” I mumbled. “I’m tired,” I said. “It has been a long day, and I need to rest.”
I stood up, and he took the hint that I wished him to leave. He looked like he didn’t want to leave, but was polite enough not to make a fuss as he went and retrieved his hat from the hook.
“I will come back in a week or so, and bring you that cow,” he informed me.
“I appreciate your help,” I said with a shrug.
“I feel it my duty as someone who is supposed to be patrolling for renegade Indians in this area to be of assistance to you. It is the least I can do to continue coming by to check on you.”
“You can ride by to make sure I am still alive, if you must, but I will not take the time to sit and converse with you. I have too much to do.”
“Then I will help you, to make your load lighter,” he insisted.
“You must not know the definition of the word no,” I mumbled. “I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
He laughed and winked at me.
“I believe it is your pride that keeps you from accepting my offer of help,” he said, smiling down at me. “Don’t be too prideful, Miss O’Malley. It may be I can get the rest of your livestock back if you gave me the chance to help you out.”
“I feel you are bribing me,” I responded.
“That I am,” he smiled, then I watched him mount his horse and ride away.
My feelings were mixed. I didn’t want to become his friend. I didn’t want him to discover my condition. Yet I did need my cow and livestock back. I think he had me over a barrel, and I was certain he would find more ways to invade my privacy.
CHAPTER SIX
Martin brought me the cow, as promised, and
continued to come by to check on me each week. At first, I resented it. I didn’t want anyone keeping an eye on me. On the other hand, I realized I was starting to look forward to his visits. I tried to act nonchalant about it, only I had to admit it was lonely living on my own, no matter how much work I had to keep me busy.
Martin did make the load lighter as he helped me split the firewood Ben had just cut up into short logs before we were attacked. I watched him remove his coat, and was impressed with the strength he had in his arms as he swung the ax with little effort, letting it land with a resounding crack in the center of each log. The split pieces rolled aside from the chopping block and I picked them up, stacking them in the woodshed.
I offered him cold tea to drink and when the chores he often helped me with were finished, we would sit and talk a bit. He telling me about his family back in England and me telling him about my life at home before the Indians came and changed my happiness. He never asked me about my life with the Indians and I never offered to tell him.
I could tell, as Martin continued to come, always bringing me some gift like a bag of flour or sugar, some extra candles, more soap and things he knew I couldn’t make for myself, that he was becoming fond of me. I was feeling fond of him as well, only it was not the kind of fondness that caused me to have deep feelings for him. He was like the brother I had lost, filling the emptiness that was left by Ben’s death. He was someone to talk to when my own thoughts drove me to the edge of insanity. He was someone I could use to forget about the past and look forward to the next time he would come to check on me. I think his feelings for me were a lot different than that, though.
Martin was a patient man. He never pressed me for more than I was willing to allow. Only I could see the hopefulness in his eyes, the moment I came to greet him when he called. I pretended not to notice. I was content with his company and didn’t want to change anything.
“You know when the winter hits I will not be able to come visit with you any longer,” he said quietly one day while we sat and visited.
“I will miss your company,” I had to admit.
“I was hoping you would want me to remain here, helping you out,” he offered.
“You are in the military. You can’t stay here,” I informed him.
“I am an officer. I have certain privileges the foot soldiers do not have. I could get leave for the winter, explaining your predicament. If you agreed to marry me, they would not question it. As long as I am stationed here you could remain in your home, but once I am sent elsewhere, I would wish for you to follow me.”
“Marry you?” I almost shrieked. “I can’t possibly marry you! I told you I do not wish to marry. Not you or anyone else!”
“I could take care of you, Candice! You need a man in your life. You need me in your life. And I want you in my life.”
“I don’t need a man in my life. Besides, soldiers are committed to the military for life. I could never leave my home to follow you or any husband. You insisted on coming here. I did not ask you!”
He looked hurt when I said the words, so I reached out and grabbed his hand.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Martin. I appreciate everything you have done for me. I like your company and I will truly miss you when you stop coming. But I can’t possibly marry you!”
Martin jumped to his feet, bringing me up beside him.
“Why not?” he demanded. “I know you like me. I know you enjoy it when I come to help you. Why are you being so stubborn about this, when you must know I have fallen in love with you?”
He still held my hand, and I stepped back a step as my eyes widened and I stared into his kind, blue eyes.
“Don’t love me,” I croaked, trying to catch my breath. “I am not someone you should love.”
“Why do you say that? You are the sweetest, loveliest, girl…”
He paused and looked deeper into my eyes. A moment later, he had pulled me to him and placed his mouth over mine. The moment I felt his lips on mine, sudden thoughts of Wolf washed over me. That one time Wolf kissed me and then didn’t want anything to do with me, pierced my thoughts and on some unexplainable level, I knew that Martin’s kiss could never compare to Wolf’s kiss. Why was I thinking that I wondered? I hated Wolf. Wolf had put me in the position I was in, never to find a real husband of my own! The realization was shattering and I pulled away from the kiss and turned my back to Martin.
“You don’t understand,” I said quietly. “I lived with the Indians for three months. I was the slave of the man who captured me. I am not fit to be anyone’s wife, let alone yours. Even if I hadn’t been used by the Indians, I don’t think I love you the way you think you love me,” I admitted.
“I thought about that,” Martin told me, as he stepped closer and put his arms around my waist, hugging my back against him. “It would be remiss of me not to assume you were no longer a virgin, knowing the horrors you must have faced. Only it doesn’t matter to me. I still…”
I turned abruptly and put my hand over his mouth.
“Don’t say it, Martin. Don’t make me feel any worse than I already do. I can’t marry you, and I won’t marry you!”
I still could not admit to him that I was carrying an Indian child. I did not want to see that hope in his eyes fade when he realized the whole truth of my situation. I didn’t want to hear his rejection, once he learned he would have to raise a heathen’s baby as his own if he decided to marry me. I knew he would never allow me to kill it. If no one knew about the child, no one would know I put an end to its life I assured myself. If he married me, the child would always be there to remind him.
“I think you had better leave and not come back,” I mumbled, trying to hold back the tears that stung my throat and threatened to spill over my lids.
“Don’t do this, Candice. I love you! I want to marry you regardless of what has happened to you.”
“You say that now. I know you mean well. I didn’t intend for you to love me. I just needed a friend, not a lover or a husband. After my experience with the Indians, I doubt I would make a good wife, even if I did love you. You need to find a woman who can offer you more than I can. Someone who would happily follow you when you were reassigned.”
“You are the woman I want,” he insisted.
“Only you can’t have me, Martin. No one can have me. I am a ruined woman. It would come between us in the end. I don’t want a family that would end up getting killed by the Indians in the future the way my family was.”
“That will never happen. The Delaware Indians have made a treaty with the British. They are leaving before winter hits and moving from the area. We have promised them land where we do not wish to settle. They will never bother us again!”
“They are leaving?” I choked. “The Lenape are moving away?”
“Yes! The French have backed down and the British are taking over the whole territory in every direction. The Indians have promised to relocate far away from the white people.”
I stood staring at him. I couldn’t understand why I suddenly felt an emptiness? Wolf would leave with his tribe, but what did I expect? If he had wanted me back, he would have come found me. Was I holding out hope he would come looking for me? If that were the case, why had I run away in the first place? I was feeling totally confused, as I stood shaking, seeing my life crumble even more. I was pushing Martin away, and Wolf, the father of the child I carried, would disappear as well. As the thought hit me, I felt the baby move, and involuntarily clutched my stomach.
“Are you all right?” Martin asked, his eyes changing from pain to worry.
“No, I’m not all right,” I whispered. “I think I have overworked myself today. I need to go rest.”
“If you are becoming ill, perhaps I should stay…”
“No!” I snapped. “I don’t want you to stay. I want you to go. Don’t come back with offers of marriage because I will never accept them. It is better if you don’t come back at all!”
“I am sorry if I have
upset you. I probably should have waited before revealing my love for you. I just…”
“Don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. I just need time, Martin. Come back and check on me after the winter is over. I may be feeling better about everything by then.”
By then, I told myself, I would no longer be carrying a heathen’s baby. By then it would be dead, hopefully along with my past. By then Wolf would be long gone and I might be able to put the thought of him behind me. Maybe by then I would be willing to follow his regiment and leave my past behind. Right now, everything was too fresh!
“I hate to worry about you spending the winter alone,” he mumbled.
“I will survive. I have survived this long. I am sure the winter won’t change that.”
Martin reluctantly turned.
“I will keep coming back until winter hits,” he promised, but I was thinking he probably wouldn’t.
The closer it came time for me to deliver, I might not be able to hide the fact. I didn’t want him to guess my condition and have to admit it to him. I prayed he would just stay away so I could get over his friendship the same way I was trying to get over thoughts of Wolf.
Martin came back a few more times like he promised, but our friendship seemed strained. He was acting more like it was a duty for him to check on me, instead of a pleasure. Perhaps he thought it a bitter-sweet pleasure since I never gave him an opportunity to get close to me. I didn’t even allow him to touch me. Eventually, he stopped coming and I knew I was on my own. However, thanks to his generosity, I had the cow for fresh milk. There was enough hay stored in the barn to feed one cow over the winter. I had a lot of extra provisions that would help me get through the winter, thanks to Martin and I felt sad that I could not accept his offer of marriage. Only I had to be truthful with myself. I didn’t think I could love Martin the way he hoped I could, and marrying him without that love never would have been fair to him.
Life went back to loneliness again. I began thinking about the baby. If I kept it, I would have company and someone to help me on the homestead, I told myself. Once it was born, no man, including Martin would want to have anything to do with me. I vacillated between keeping the baby and killing it. Only if I kept it, I should start making plans for that by making it some clothes. It gave me something to do to keep my mind off of my loneliness. I told myself in a firm practical attitude that if I didn’t have the strength to kill a child I had given birth to, at least I should to try and care for it. I knew I was just trying to justify my actions. On some deep recess of my being, I believe I was starting to love the child that moved within me.
Across The River Page 9