by J. L. Imhoff
I hung my head, ashamed for my impulsive behavior. “I felt… weaker there. That far away from the Connective brought up all my old and buried emotions and I gave into the dark impulse. I couldn’t control it. I guess that means there’s something wrong with me, right?”
Lily took both of my hands in hers. “No, there’s nothing wrong with you. I feared this would happen. Without being integrated, the effects of the Connective would fade against the stronger and darker human emotions. It’s understandable,” she reassured. “In time, you’ll learn to let go of all of those primitive human sentiments.”
I don’t know how. Clearing my throat, I stuffed it all back down, and changed subjects. “How are you going to dream-walk him, Roman? How does that work?”
“I’ll have to find a way to be close to him without him knowing it. It would be best to be physically close, but it may not be possible. I’ll try to use my memory of him and tap into his energy.”
“I don’t understand any of that,” I admitted.
“It’s too hard to explain right now, and we need to get you ready for the integration. It’s scheduled for tomorrow evening,” Lily said to me. To Roman she instructed, “I’ll speak with you later to find out the results of the dream-walk.”
Roman left without another word. He was stressed and it was my fault.
“I’m mad at myself for causing all this trouble. I need to be more mindful of what I’m doing. No wonder you want to keep me under lock and key.”
“Let’s focus on your meditation techniques. The integration is more important. Let Roman deal with the missing dagger,” Lily consoled, closing her eyes while I sat on the floor next to her.
With a few deep breaths, I tried to let it all go.
We spent the next hour meditating and she taught me a few new techniques about energy. I still had a hard time wrapping my brain around the concept. Although—I was curious how Roman used it to heal.
After meditation, we ran a few miles, and then I went back to my quarters.
Sulking about my locket and the knife, I walked to my bedroom. Lying there, on my bed, was Roman. His eyes remained closed as he lounged on top of my bedclothes in nothing but a pair of black, well-worn pants.
“Why are you in here?” I demanded as I stormed over to him.
“Waiting for you,” he quipped without opening his eyes.
“Can anyone go into anyone’s private quarters at any time?” I was tired, irritated, and definitely not in the mood to deal with him right now. Cleaning up after the long day and seeing my baby was all I had the energy for.
“If they want to, and I wanted to.”
“What if I had been in the shower or something?” My heart pounded as a second wind of energy surged through me.
“All the better.” He rolled over onto his side, facing me, with his characteristic mischievous smile on his face.
“No, seriously. Don’t do it.”
“We have no need to lock doors,” he shrugged. “No one here would violate another person’s privacy. Except me.” Roman lay back down, closing his eyes.
“Why are you in my bed?”
“I thought this is where you wanted me to be,” he muttered.
“That’s awful presumptuous of you.”
“Honestly, I assumed it would be easier to dream-walk lousy lover in here, closer to your energy,” he finally explained.
“Why is that?” I sat down on the edge of the bed, taking the bite out of my words, knowing he was simply trying to right the mistake I’d made.
“You sleep here, so your energy leaves an imprint, and you have attachments to lousy lover. I used your imprint here as a map to find him,” he disclosed as he rolled over onto his side, facing me again. Tenderly, he kissed the knuckles of my hand.
“Well… did you?” I asked.
“Not in the time frame I had,” he admitted, releasing my hand while he stretched out his long frame.
I ran my hand over the silky bedding, covertly ogling every inch of his body. “What do we do now?”
“Lily and I are meeting with the security team later.” He peeked at me through hooded eyes, smoldering with hunger.
“He’s smart—I worry he’ll find out.” A sense of dread crept up my spine. If I hadn’t been so selfish, we wouldn’t be in this predicament. It was my fault. I hung my head, ashamed of putting my needs ahead of anyone else’s. Especially now I knew my baby was alive.
“We’ll try to stay one step ahead of him,” he interlaced his fingers with mine, drew it to his lips, and brushed the gentlest kiss over my knuckles.
“I’ve made a mess,” I cried. “As usual, I didn’t think things through. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Things happen, as they say,” he said, opening my palm and massaging it.
I pulled out of his grasp, sighed, and walked over to the glass wall, staring off into the distance as the minutes ticked by. “By the way, you’re not off the hook for failing to tell me Lily sent you to help me.”
“Lily didn’t send me, I talked them into it. This is the kind of information you can’t keep hidden from the Connective.” He threw his feet over the side of the bed, sitting up.
I wasn’t in the mood for banter. “I asked you repeatedly if it was okay. Why didn’t you simply tell me we had permission?”
“I told you I would handle it. Do you have to know everything?” Roman approached and stood behind me.
I sensed his unease the way I’d experienced the emotions from the dolphin and then from David. The way I knew my baby had fallen asleep. Every day I got a teeny bit better at distinguishing my emotions from outside influence.
“Yes—that’s how I learn to trust someone.” Taking my focus from the distant recesses of the ocean, I looked at his reflection in the glass wall.
Our eyes met.
Roman looked defeated, his eyes tired, as if he’d let down some invisible shield and allowed me to see the real him. “In my time and culture, it was different.”
“The world has changed. You need to learn to stop playing these games with me.”
“Perhaps you’re right, but it’s not easy changing many years of thinking.” He gently set his hands on my shoulders and kneaded my tense muscles.
It felt good and I relaxed back into him, as fresh blood rushed to my head. “Try, that’s all I’m asking for.”
He nodded, kissing the back of my head. “Fine—I’ll try.” And then the grin was back and the little glimpse I’d had of Roman was gone. “And don’t worry—I know how to handle men like lousy lover.”
“Are you going to slit his throat?” I was kidding. Sort of.
“Do you want me to?”
“No. Before, anger and revenge consumed me. Now, it feels like another lifetime. It would be a waste of my energy to pursue such trivial matters. I don’t want to go back to that feeling, it’s dark. I don’t want to see him again. He is my past, literally from my past life. That’s where I want to leave him.”
“We may not have a choice,” he reminded, embracing me from behind.
Sighing, I turned to face him. “Will you do me a favor?” I gazed up into his eyes.
“You want more favors?” Roman’s voice regained a soft tenderness, making my heart melt.
“Take me out into the ocean—and not the netted safe ocean. I want to go out into the open dangerous water. I need to be out there, to feel connected to what I am now. Please?”
He nodded. “I can do that.”
Chapter 18
Roman opened the glass wall and turned to me, extending his arm. Modesty caused me to hesitate; I would have to drop my dress to the floor in front of him.
He must have sensed my unease and politely turned his head away. Having no problem dropping his pants to the floor, he glanced at me sideways and smirked. Then he shook his head and dove through the dome. I watched him transform and swim away.
Here I am the one who asked him to do this and now I’m the coward. Wait—my stash. Yes.
I ran back to my closet to pull out the purse I had hidden and forgotten. Unzipping it, I dumped the contents on the bed and rummaged through the clothing until I found what I was looking for—a plain black bikini.
Quickly, I dropped my dress to the floor and put on the top, then wrapped the bottom around my wrist. Relieved, I ran to the dome and dove through.
When my body changed, it felt so surreal. I twirled in the water. My legs adjusted to the feeling of constriction—I was learning to be in harmony with my new form.
Roman waited for me a few yards out. He floated and as I came closer to him, he grabbed my hand, and kissed it. A huge smile spread across his face as I puffed out my chest, happy to have my breasts finally covered. Disapprovingly he shook his head and then took off.
I chased him and it turned into a race. He swam, as fast as lightening, and at his full speed, he became a blur.
Slowing, he allowed me the chance to catch him. When I did, he took off again, laughing.
Content, I relaxed and briefly closed my eyes as I swam, savoring the flow of water as the currents caressed my body. A tap on my shoulder roused me from my trance and I opened my eyes. Roman pointed in the distance where my dolphin friend swam out of the ocean’s darkness.
Behind her followed several more dolphins. She approached and as was our custom, positioned her head under my hand. Joy, happiness, peace, and curiosity bubbled through our connection.
Unsure of how to communicate with her, or with Roman, out here in the ocean, I smiled and tried to think loudly, for a change, sending her a wave of love. She responded by bobbing her head up and down under my hand. I wondered what her name was, or if she even had one. Ruby is what came to my mind. Ruby.
She turned around and took off. The others followed her and Roman gestured to me to follow as well. Where are they going?
Smiling, he took off, and I trailed behind. Gratefully, they moved slowly enough I was able to keep up with him and the pod of dolphins.
How far have we gone?
We were close to the surface of the ocean when they jumped out of the water. I popped my head above the surface, mesmerized by their frolicking.
My tail changed back into two legs the moment I breathed air. It was almost uncomfortable. How can I maintain form and not change back and forth?
My mouth hung open as I watched Roman and the dolphins leap out of the water. The urge to join them came over me, but I pushed it back down with the defeating belief I could never do something so elegant. As I dove back under, my body transformed again. This felt right—perhaps who I’d always been.
What the heck—I’m going to try. I followed them and tried my best to find the rhythm they had. Roman appeared beside me and grabbed my hand. He took me down deep and then turned around. With my hand in his, we broke the surface, and leapt into the air. Not wanting to change, I held my breath—it worked.
We jumped and dived until I was exhausted. The dolphins disappeared and we were alone. I had no idea where we were, or how to get back, but I trusted Roman to know the way. Did I think that? I trust Roman? Where did that come from?
A sliver of fear crept up my spine and I wanted to be back in Poseidia, under the covers, hiding.
I tugged on Roman’s hand and gestured my head in the direction of what I thought was home, but he shook his head and pointed the other way. Defiantly, I shook my head and pulled back.
Roman glanced around, then shrugged his shoulders, and led me back to Poseidia. We’d gone far, and it took a while before the glow of the dome appeared in the distance.
Unsure which glass wall was mine, Roman expertly led me to the correct pane. Before we went through the dome into my bedroom, I hesitated and stopped. Floating there outside my bedroom, feeling less frantic, I wanted a moment to savor the ocean’s strong euphoric connection. He tugged on my hand, but I let go and waved him on. Perhaps I needed him out here with me for protection, but I wanted a few minutes alone with my thoughts.
Integration. It seems so intimidating. It’s the unknown and the commitment. The world is closing in on me.
Then there’s my baby. Will I be a good mom? And then the knife.
This is my second chance, and I should embrace it. My baby is here. My past long gone. Integrate. Forget about the past. Become a part of the Connective. Build a new family, here, with them.
Complete with my internal debate, I moved forward and pushed through the dome. Swiftly, I grabbed my dress from the floor, and covered myself, slipping it on over my bikini top. Then I pulled the bottom off my wrist and put them on underneath my dress. Roman looked at me and shook his head, with his own pair of pants hanging loosely in his hands.
“What?” I asked, feeling self-conscious and inadequate.
“Will you ever be comfortable in your own skin?”
“This is all new to me, give me a break. Everyone needs time to adjust,” I countered.
“It has nothing to do with adjustment,” he challenged as he slipped his pants on and slowly buttoned them. “You think too much, and feel too little.”
Again, I caught myself staring at the cut edges of his abdominal muscles as they disappeared into the top of his pants, which sat low on his hips. “What is that supposed to mean?” I smoothed down the wrinkles in my dress, avoiding eye contact. The blissful feeling of the ocean fading under his criticism.
“You have a fight going on inside of you.” Roman stepped closer to me, his chest inches from my face.
“You’re one to talk,” I snapped as I pointed my finger at him.
“I’ve had many years to iron out my conflicts,” he retorted, looking down into my upturned face. His brown eyes smoldered with a hungry intensity, making my heart skip a beat.
“And yet here you are still stewing in your arrogance.” I pushed my desires down, squelching them with irritation.
“You think I’m stewing in arrogance? What does that even mean?”
I turned away from his stare and stomped dramatically toward the closet. “Oh, you know what it means. You think you’re big, bad, and scary. And while you won’t tell me how old you are, I know you’re older than I am. So you have had many years to iron out your conflicts. Yet here you are, still angry and grouchy. Not everyone has had it as easy as you did.”
“You don’t know how I had it,” he blasted, following my retreat.
His heavy footsteps betrayed his approach; I turned my head away from him, embarrassed by my display of emotion. “By your arrogance, I can guess easy enough,” I snorted, crossing my arms with my back still facing him.
“I don’t want to see you make the same mistakes I did, and ruin years of your life lost to anger and bitterness.”
“It’s my anger and bitterness to wallow in.” I huffed and slammed the closet door open, looking blankly through the clothes.
“Have fun wasting your life. The years will fly by, and you will look back with regret. Time is something you can’t get back.” His breath fanned the back of my hair.
“Oh, so Mr. Roman, who won’t even tell me his real name, knows everything now, right?” I yanked hard on a few dresses and they tumbled to the floor.
“You don’t want to know my real name.”
“Why? Is it Peewee?” I mocked, kicking the fallen clothes while casting a pointed glance at the crotch of his pants.
“You know that’s not true,” he said, smirking.
I couldn’t resist a small smile to answer his. “Why won’t you tell me your real name?”
“If I wanted to, I would. I don’t want to.”
I twirled to face him, my breathing heavy. “You won’t even tell me anything about you. How am I supposed to trust you?”
“Have I given you any reason not to?”
“You told Lily,” I accused, searching is face for a hint of trustworthiness.
“You have that wrong. I let her think it was my idea. I’ve told you this. You can’t hide that kind of stuff here. You have to think around it. Be smarter, and maybe you won’t waste ce
nturies of your life, too.”
“I am smart, but I’m new here, like you were once. Can’t you give me a break?” I turned back around and slammed the closet doors, more angry with myself than him.
“Giving you a break could mean your death. Don’t you get that yet? We are not in your cushy little life here,” he reasoned his voice heavy and wavering with a raw emotion I couldn’t quite decipher.
“I haven’t had a cushy life,” I spun, glaring at him. He doesn’t know me!
“Living with a doctor sure sounds cushy to me,” he jeered, crossing his arms tightly across his chest, his chin jutted out stubbornly.
“Well, looks are deceiving. You don’t understand how he used me,” I defended.
“I don’t have to understand. I’ve seen more, and done more, horrible things than you could even dream up in your wildest nightmares.”
“You want people to think that, so they do whatever you say, when you say it. And, well… why don’t you wear a shirt?” I roared, childishly venting. We stood so close to each other I could have blinked and my eyelashes would have tickled his chin. I backed off, retreated to the bed, and sat down, irrationally folding back a blanket to cover my contraband at the foot, even though he’d no doubt already seen the jumbled pile.
“What? Are you disgusted by the sight of my bare body?” He stalked to the bed.
“No, I just don’t understand why you don’t wear any shirts.” I hid my face in my hands, wanting this to be done.
“Why is it so important to you for me to cover myself? Do you want me to hide? Like you?”
“No…,” I mumbled, deflating. Digging deep, I met his gaze, and his accusation, knowing it was true. This argument was ridiculous, but I couldn’t stop. My skin crawled with anxiety.
“Do you want me to go around ashamed of who I am?” He advanced on me, his face now red.
“No, I didn’t say that,” I denied as emotional exhaustion kicked in. Conflicted feelings swirled through me.
“Then what do you want?” Arms came down around me and fists buried themselves deep into the mattress on each side of my hips, his face right in mine, so close the stubble tickled my cheeks. His breath smelled sweet as he growled, “You don’t seem to know what you want. Yet here you are criticizing me.”