by J. L. Imhoff
“I’m so sorry about everything.”
As we entered the swirling tar, I gave in to the darkness and escaped the pain, feeling safe in Roman’s arms.
Chapter 26
When I opened my eyes, a blurry lime-green haze floated in front of them. Water, thick as corn syrup, surrounded me. I lifted my arms and a barrier of glass enclosed me. Where am I?
It all came back to me in waves. I reached out with my senses and recognized the Connective and Lily was very close. Realizing I floated in a healing tank, I relaxed.
The glass tube hinged open, and Lily’s face appeared. She gave me her hand and I rose up out of the liquid.
“What happened?” The last thing I remembered was being in Roman’s arms after killing David, and burning down my dream house.
“You gave us all a scare. How are you feeling?” Lily inquired while I stepped out of the tank.
“Good, I think. How long have I been in there?”
“Two weeks.”
“Two weeks? You’re kidding me!”
“No, I don’t kid. It took time for your leg to heal from all the damage. The bullet mangled it and you lost a lot of blood. Not to mention all the abrasions. What happened?”
“You don’t want to know,” I muttered.
“I do want to know, it’s why I asked. We weren’t sure you would make it. We are glad you did, though.”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now—I’ll tell you later. I can’t believe it’s been two weeks. How’s my baby?”
“The baby’s fine, developing more every day. One day soon you will hold her, or him, in your arms.”
“I can’t wait,” I chimed. David’s face flashed before my eyes. Awake two minutes and he was already haunting me. Would it ever end?
“It’ll be soon, so until then, try not to go on any more dangerous missions.” Lily wrapped me in a towel and an embrace.
“I could use some safe routine. Where is… Roman?” I didn’t see him anywhere. Disappointment filled my heart.
“I don’t know where he went, but I’m sure he’ll be back, don’t worry.”
Feeling weak, I leaned against her as she helped me walk. The strength of the Connective seeped through her and I soaked energy in.
“You’re waking from an induced coma, so like before, you’ll be slow until you readjust and get some fresh food. Lucas wants to scan you and then you’ll be free to go back to your quarters, if you’d like. You’re completely healed.”
“I wouldn’t say that.” I closed my eyes as images of David’s death hit me—a sucker punch in the gut.
“Why is that? Are you not feeling well?” She propped me up, led me to a nearby patient room, and helped me onto the bed.
“No, it’s not physical.”
“Oh, I see. You’ll have to find a way to deal with whatever happened. The Connective will lift you up.” Lily retrieved a few hot washcloths and lovingly cleaned the green goo from my body.
“If not, then what’ll happen?” Shivering, I sucked in my breath, afraid now of the consequences of my actions. Will I have to see the High Council again? Would I be punished? Put back under lock and key?
“You’d be disconnected until you can. And no, the High Council doesn’t want to see you, but the king does. As soon as you’re up for it.”
“Oh,” I mulled, realizing she’d picked the question out of my mind. I checked on my mirrored bubble but it was in shreds after I burst it to connect with Roman. I’d have to work on getting it back up and strengthened—I didn’t want to share what happened—not yet. “I hope I’m not disconnected. What will the king say to me? Is it worse than seeing the High Council?” I tried to reestablish the bubble, but couldn’t. Instead, I focused my thoughts on less horrid things. Back to hot dogs I guess…
“I’m unsure of his intentions, since he is no longer in the Connective.” Lily finished the sponge bath and tucked me under the blankets. They were warm and I snuggled down deep, wanting to drift off.
Shortly after my bath, Lucas examined and scanned me, giving the green light to return to my quarters. And an order to spend one hour in a healing tank every day for two more weeks.
Trudging back my quarters, I questioned every single detail of what happened in San Francisco.
I killed him. How am I going to live with that?
It was self-defense.
Was it?
Had I wanted to kill him? Hadn’t I thought about it in detail? Fantasized about how it would feel to put an end to his torment.
But that didn’t end it, did it?
No.
Now he was messing with my head from the grave.
Images of the burning house, from the car’s side mirror, were seared into my mind—the dream house he’d bought with insurance money from my death.
How could he?
Hopefully, my body samples had been in the house. And the daggers. They’d be burnt to a crisp, at the very least sterilized, leaving no evidence behind. I hoped.
The pain in my heart twisted. David had efficiently trashed my self-worth, but I would find it again. I’m more than an insurance policy.
Back in my quarters, waiting on my pillow, was my locket. Roman had recovered it from David’s briefcase. Solemnly I opened the golden oval, viewing the picture of me as a child with my mother. I brought it to my lips and kissed it, softly crying. This is what had started it all—my refusal to let go. My folly, now in my hands, heavy with the cost I’d paid.
My heart shattered, needing my mother now more than ever, but knowing I’d have to find my way without her. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to wear the necklace; it seemed tarnished now, so I placed it gently under my pillow.
Reclining on the bed, I placed my head on the pillow, watching the beauty of the ocean. My friend, Ruby, swam up and hovered beyond the wall, beckoning me to join her. Basking in her sweet companionship, my heart lifted, until the door beeped.
Glancing toward the front room, I swore under my breath. Ruby swam away and, deflated, I went to answer the summons.
As I opened the door, my breath caught in my throat. Roman. Joy was quickly suppressed by a thick black cloud of guilt. I glanced down, ashamed.
“Glad to see you’re awake and feeling better.” He drew me tightly into his arms.
I resisted at first—I didn’t deserve his love. But the warmth of him enveloped me as I experienced not only his love, but also the Connective through him. Euphoria pushed against my dark feelings.
“I thought I’d lost you,” he murmured into the nape of my neck.
“I’m not that easy to get rid of.” Then the tears broke through.
Patiently, he held me until I’d gotten it all out, and then gently scolded, “Don’t ever do something so stupid again. I told you I would take care of it.”
“I don’t ever do what I’m told—it’s a flaw of mine. I make stupid decisions and stupider mistakes. I’m hardheaded, and stubborn. You, of all people, ought to understand.” I blinked up at him through bleary eyes.
Roman guided me to the couch and sat down with me in his lap. Drawing me in close, he kissed my head and uttered, “I don’t understand your death wish. Look at what happened to you. Bobby told me some of what David did.”
“What did he tell you?” I quizzed, allowing him to cradle me.
“Enough.”
“How do I live with what I’ve done? He would have killed me, had I not killed him first, but still…” I choked as the guilt washed over me again. The sights, sounds, and smells too clear in my memory. Nauseated, I brought my hand over my mouth and swallowed the rising bile back down.
“I didn’t want you to carry this burden.” Lovingly, he brushed the locks of hair out of my face.
I needed to bathe and eat, but I could do neither. “It was my mistake, and my problem to resolve. Now it’s my cross to carry.”
“It’s a heavy cross you shouldn’t have to carry alone. Give some of it to me, share the memory and I can lessen the pain,” he begg
ed.
The thought of letting him in to share the memory scared me. I couldn’t stand feeling so vulnerable after visiting such a dark place. Pushing his energy to the surface, I attempted to reconstruct the bubble. A glimmer of it appeared and then shattered, as if it had been cracked beyond repair. I didn’t have the energy to explore why.
Unsure of how I would regain composure by sharing my dark side with him, I vowed to hide it deep within my psyche. Instead of hiding myself inside a mirrored bubble, I imagined a treasure chest within my mind and stuffed all of the memories inside… fearing if I revisited the memory of killing David, I would lose myself in the depths of madness. I turned the lock and heard it click, before tucking the imaginary key deep inside my heart. “No, I can’t. It’s all mine.”
“You’re not in this alone, we’re your family now, let us in. Let me in.”
“Are they going punish me?” My pulse climbed, fearing banishment from Poseidia. From my baby.
“No, I don’t think so. But, you deserve a good spanking,” he kidded, kissing my forehead.
“Oh, I do, do I?” Glad he stopped pushing me for the moment—I snuggled into his chest.
“Yes, you do,” he affirmed, as he lifted me up into his arms, carried me to my bedroom, and laid me down on the soft bed. Roman snuggled in next to me, tucking his body next to mine. It reminded me of our first night, in the cave; it felt good to have him so close. “How did you do it?”
“Do what?” Ashamed and thinking he meant to know more about how I killed David, I sucked in my breath.
“Make everyone think you were in your bed. I sensed you here—I know I did. We all thought you were safely in your quarters.”
“I wanted everyone to think I was still in my room, so I imagined a double of me here. Another impulse, and I’ve no clue where the idea came from.” His curiosity gently pushed aside my asphyxiating guilt.
“You left a projection of yourself in your bed. I haven’t seen anyone be able to do that, except…”
“Except who? I truly don’t understand how it worked.”
“The Ancestors were the only ones so capable. You’re more powerful than anyone expected.”
“I doubt that.” I remembered my encounter with Sarah, thinking of her and No Time. Strong desire to see her again rose up inside of me. If I could go back, maybe she could help me.
While lost in my thoughts, Roman had been kissing my forehead, cheeks, then neck, and had worked his way to my lips. A tender foray into my defenses that I could not allow.
I struggled to maintain control of my emotions, pulling away from him. “I’m not whole right now.”
“I know—I only want to hold you. You’re blocking what happened with David?”
“I can feel you pushing into my energy. Stop—I’m not ready to share. I know you want to ease my burden and I appreciate it, but I insist you stop. And don’t even think about dream-walking me.”
Roman deflated and shrank back, projecting his inadequacy at failing to protect me. He wanted to make up for it, by taking away my pain and guilt.
Dejected, he released me and rolled over onto his back, saying, “You’re being overly stubborn.”
“Well, I already admitted to that fault. But… I simply… can’t share. Not yet.”
He gently turned my head toward him, so I could look into his eyes, so different from the Roman I first met. But I was different now, too.
“It’s not only having killed a person. I’m questioning everything I did, every move I made.” I choked back the sobs, threatening to crumble my sanity.
“You’ll drive yourself crazy with questions that have no good answers.”
“If I hadn’t wanted my locket, none of this would ever have happened. Heck, if I hadn’t wanted to escape in the first place, none of this would have happened.”
“Maybe if he hadn’t killed you in the first place, you wouldn’t be here. You don’t know what is good or bad—it just is.”
“My head knows all the logical reasons, but my heart still hurts.”
“What happened—happened. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them. We all do it.”
“I don’t know how.” I wanted to berate myself—the way David would at every mistake I’d made. Rein it in or you will go crazy. Roman was right.
“One day at a time. One century at a time,” he consoled.
I closed my eyes. “I can’t imagine living with this over that much time.”
“Perspective makes it easier. Give yourself a higher calling and the self-doubt will fade. Make centuries of wonderful memories and one day you’ll find you won’t remember any of this.”
I laid my head on his chest and listened to his breath, to his heartbeat. Briefly, I wondered about his life when he was human, before his time as a gladiator.
Without meaning to, I fell into his psyche. He sensed my presence and chose to show me a happy memory.
Roman was about six years old and his father had been away on a fishing trip. I could hear voices. Not understanding the language, I wondered how he could sound so different now, from the culture he’d been born into.
His voice whispered in my head. “Over time my accent has adapted. I immerse myself in the current human world to blend in and learn their languages. It’s a specialty of mine.”
“I wondered why you didn’t sound like Shakespeare,” I thought.
“I have had many years to adapt to other ways of life. It gets easier over time.” He showed me his joy at seeing his father return from his fishing trips. How simple life was for him as he trained with swords. Exceptional agility made him an excellent fighter in the arena.
Then he blocked me and pushed me out, not wanting me going any further. I managed to view his memories while maintaining a block on my own.
The treasure chest in my mind must be working.
In hindsight, I understood Roman had let me in, hoping I’d let down my own guard so he could heal my heart.
Rolling me over onto my back, he kissed me with a feverish passion I experienced in the depths of my soul. Distracted, I lost myself in the sensations, floating on a cloud of bliss. For the moment, the nightmare faded away.
His fingers pushed into my electroreceptors, rubbing the ones along my lower back in circles. Pure pleasure took me to the edge of release. In human sex, this bonding only came from orgasm. In my new world, here with Roman, it came from simply touch.
I couldn’t imagine how it would feel to actually have sex in this body. Perhaps sharing my body would be the first step in being able to let him share my soul.
Abruptly, Roman pulled away and said, “You’re being summoned. King Mestor wants to see you.”
“How do you know that?” I asked, shifting gears mentally, though my body was slower to accept the transition.
“Lily sent me a message telepathically.” He buried his head into my shoulder and I sensed him try to fight the summons.
A direct order from the king wasn’t to be ignored for any reason. “This is it. They’re going to punish me, maybe banish me forever. Promise me you’ll protect my baby.”
“Don’t worry so much. It won’t be as bad as you think.”
“In your memories, the night of my integration, I saw your forced hibernation. I know how serious this is. They disconnected the king because of his grief. The Connective can’t handle the dark emotions inside me now.” I sat up in the bed.
“Don’t react until you know what he wants. It’ll only cause you needless anxiety.”
“But, but….” I slid my legs over the side of the bed.
“We should hang a ‘do not disturb’ sign in my mind,” he joked and got up from the bed, hauling me up by my hands.
“It’s disturbing, that’s for sure,” I kidded, smiling briefly. “But seriously, can we do that?”
He chuckled and strode into the living room.
“I need to clean up, I feel sticky and nasty. Can I have a fe
w minutes before I see him?”
“Fine, I’ll meet you outside the pyramid and inform them of your delay. They’ll understand, but don’t be too long.”
“I won’t—I’ll be quick.”
He left. In the bathroom, I looked at myself in the shimmering wall. So much had changed recently. Miracles I couldn’t have imagined.
Quickly I undressed, and slipped into the heated waters of the enormous bathtub, attempting to clear my mind of all the voracious guilt I carried. Perhaps meditating would help.
I closed my eyes, took several deep breaths, and imagined breathing in a white light while exhaling darkness. Soon, I relaxed and my mind cleared.
Focused, I imagined myself back in No Time. As I went further into my meditation, it seemed as if I floated into another dimension.
Before me appeared the long hallway with all white walls, ceilings, and floors. I looked down the hallway at the doors on both sides. Where is Sarah? Signs hung on the doors whereas before I swore they were blank.
Curious, I strolled down the hallway, looking back and forth at what the signs said. Written in a strange language I could now read as if it was English, one said “MY FUTURE.”
Deciding I didn’t want to know, not now anyway, I picked the door marked “MY PAST.” Afraid to open it, but feeling strongly I needed to, I gently turned the golden knob and pushed.
A gust of wind blew back my hair as the door fully opened on its own. The scent of mothballs and stagnation lingered heavily in the air.
In the center of the room stood a table covered in thick dust. Darkened mirrors lined the walls on two sides and went on as far as I could see, disappearing into a blackened void.
The first mirror next to the door was lit up. Turning to face it, I wiped off the layer of dust. Reflected, I saw myself, as I was now, but then the image in the mirror faded. Who I was a few months ago, before I died, next appeared in the glass.
I stared at her, the old me, feeling disconnected, barely recognizing her anymore. Placing my hand on the surface of the mirror, I touched the image. She did the same and our hands met.