“Don’t know,” Eli said, flicking on a space heater in the corner; it immediately glowed red, like a monster irritated at having been disturbed. “It’s always been like that. Hotter’n hell in the summer, too—”
“Is that what you wanted to show me?” Tess breathed, staring at the plank table in the middle of the room.
“Yeah. Like it?”
“Like it? Oh, Eli…it’s incredible.” Still hugging herself, she moved closer, reaching out, then pulling back her hand. “Can I touch it?”
“Sure. The varnish should be dry by now.”
Her lips curved, she ran her fingers over the worn, pock-marked surface. “This is freaking amazing,” she said, her voice hushed. “It looks like something Coronado brought with him. I can practically see a bunch of conquistadores seated around it.” She laughed. “And the toothless, bosomy old crone serving them.”
“That was the idea,” he said, ridiculously pleased. “The wood’s all recycled. I just beat it up a bit for that been-around-for-a-while look.”
“But…” Shaking her head, she faced him. “It’s so much more than I expected. That’s a lot of effort to put into something with no guarantee of return.”
“And maybe not everything’s about what you get back,” he said softly, coming up beside her to lean his palms against the table’s edge. “More often than not, there’s just as much satisfaction in the doing. In…enjoying the moment.”
“You’re just full of surprises, aren’t you?”
Chuckling, Eli walked to the end of the table, bending over to make sure the edge was evenly stained. “I like making the pieces fit,” he said, straightening, his eyes steady in hers. “Turning nothin’ into something. Not saying I don’t enjoy the end result, but I get just as much pleasure out of the process.”
“But your costs…don’t you have to at least think about making a profit?”
Now he laughed out loud. “I told you, most of this is recycled. Even the hardware, what there is of it. So my out-of-pocket costs are pretty minimal. What can I tell you? I’m not one for tossin’ something in the garbage just because it’s a little dinged around the edges. You try hard enough, look at something with new eyes, nine times out of ten you can see ways to make it work again. To give it a second chance.” He grinned. “Just like…you’re doing with the house, right?”
“Of course. Right.” She shoved her hair behind one ear. “Well. This really will look fantastic in the house. But, um, I suppose I should be getting back—”
“Not yet. The table’s…” No turning back now, buddy…“That’s not why I asked you to come out here.”
Her eyes cut to his. “Oh?”
Eli nodded toward one of the benches. “You may as well sit, this might take a while.” When she did—frowning—he leaned back against the table, clutching the edge on either side of his hips. Hard. “Gossip’s kinda like a mongrel dog, you know? Mutt’s still recognizable as a dog, but it’s not always easy to tell what its parents or parents’ parents were. Yeah, I was an idiot back in high school. And it’s true I’ve messed around with a few women since then, but…well, you don’t know the whole story. And neither do all the busybodies congratulatin’ you on gettin’ out while the gettin’ was good.”
She frowned. “If I don’t know the whole story, Eli, it’s not because I didn’t want to hear it.”
“I know that. Just like I know I’ve been a hypocrite, goading you into being open with me about your past when I haven’t exactly returned the favor. Especially since I hated having you believe the half-truths. And yet, in another way it was almost easier to let you think the worst of me than to give you all the facts. At least at first.”
“Why?” she said, caution darkening her eyes.
Eli glanced away, then back, a not-quite-smile on his lips. “To save my own sorry hide, why do you think?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t—”
“Her name was Keri,” he said softly. “And I loved her with everything I had in me.” He paused, waiting for his heart to uncramp. “Almost as much as I loved her little boy.”
Chapter Ten
Tess caught her breath: It was like watching someone age ten years in as many seconds. Not that she hadn’t jettisoned the notion of Eli’s chronic adolescence some weeks ago—big difference between childlike and childish—but clearly he was about to revisit a part of his past that had clearly taken a toll in ways he never let most of the world see. That he was about to let her see him at his most vulnerable was gratifying…if unnerving. Then her heart fisted. Oh, dear God…
“When was this?”
“Shortly after you and Enrique left town. I was twenty-one, twenty-two—she was a few years older. A single mom. Justin…” Tess saw him swallow. “He was four. Cutest kid you ever saw. Probably still is,” he said, and he lungs released that breath. Okay. Not dead. Except whatever had happened had clearly left Eli in just as much pain.
“This was here?”
“No. Dad got a contract up in Taos. Big ski resort. Keri worked in the office. She…” He punched out a breath. “I knew I was in over my head, that she needed more than I could probably offer, but she was also the first person to treat me like a grown-up. I felt like a grown-up when I was with her. And Justin. She told me his dad had walked out on her and the boy, that she hadn’t heard from him in months. Said they’d never been married he didn’t feel any obligation to stick around. So I guess it felt pretty good, having somebody need me like she did. The kid, too.”
The beginnings of anger on his behalf began to prickle. “Did you help her financially?”
“No,” Eli said with a vehement head shake. “It was nothing like that. I mean, sure, I took ’em out to eat every now and again, gave ’em both little presents from time to time, but she never asked for anything. I wouldn’t’ve had it to give her anyway. Not then. The point is, though, for the second time in my life, I fell. And fell hard. For both of them. Only this time, I thought I could handle it. Thought I was ready to be a husband and father. The way the kid’s eyes would light up when he’d see me…well. You know what that feels like.”
Her eyes burning, all Tess could do was nod.
A smile flickered around Eli’s mouth before he stood, walking over to the heater to warm his hands. “One Friday after we’d been together for about a year, I went up there after work, like I always did. Only when I got to her house, her car wasn’t there. Her neighbor came outside, saying some man had shown up the day before when Keri wasn’t there, said he was her husband come to take her back.”
“Her husband? So she’d—”
“Lied, yeah. She called, maybe a week later, all apologetic that she hadn’t been up-front with me, hoped I could find it in my heart to forgive her someday. Turns out she and this husband of hers had actually been talking on the phone for weeks, but she hadn’t said anything because she honestly hadn’t believed anything would come of it. When I asked her how she could go back to someone who’d walked out on her, you know what she said? ‘He’s Justin’s father, what else can I do?’” Eli let out a dry laugh. “For more than a year, I’d been that little boy’s father in every way that counted. And suddenly…” He shook his head.
Tess stood, only to have no idea whether to go to him or stay where she was. “Oh, Eli…I’m so sorry. You must’ve felt like your heart had been ripped out.”
“Yeah, that pretty much covers it.” He gave her a contrite smile. “Karmic payback for dumping you, I suppose.”
“Don’t even go there,” she said softly, taking a step closer. “Did you ever hear from them again?”
“No.”
The light dawned. “Which is why you don’t date women with children.”
He closed the gap between them, slowly lifting his hands to carefully bracket her jaw. “Didn’t date women with children.”
Tess froze. Then backed up, away from his touch, even if not from his gaze. Which Eli held in his as he said, “A couple days ago I had this, this epiphany, I gue
ss you’d call it, about me needing to regain control of my life. Only I totally had the wrong end of the stick about what that meant. Because it occurred to me what I’ve been listening to all this time was fear. Fear of somethin’ bad happening if…if I let myself get too close to someone. Especially someone with children. Except then, tonight, while I was holding Julia? I thought, screw this.” Tess felt the blood drain from her face as he approached her again. “I’m done with being scared, with letting the past sit on my shoulder, sayin’, What makes you think you can have that? With running from the very thing I most want.”
“Eli…don’t…”
But he’d once more taken her face in his hands, and damn, there went her knees again. “You know as well as I do,” he said softly, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs, “that there’s kissing and then there’s kissing. When touching somebody is only about sex, and when it’s about something else. And yeah, I know all about how you don’t want this—” again, he grazed her lips with his, whispering into her mouth as tears crowded the corners of her eyes “—that maybe you don’t want me—” this time his lips lingered a little longer, a little more firmly “—but the way I see it, what have I got to lose by saying I’d like to see where this goes—?”
“Eli? Tess?” his father’s voice boomed from the doorway. “You in here?”
Eli caught Tess’s freaked expression a split second before she backed away, stumbling slightly on those dumb boots of hers.
“Y-yes,” she said to his dad, marching out front. “Is everything okay?”
The older man chuckled. “Why are those always the first words out of a mama’s mouth?” he asked, holding the door open for her. “Everything’s fine, but your little one just woke up and asked for you. No need to hurry,” he said as Tess scurried past him. He tossed a half-assed wave at Eli, then followed her. “Donna’s feeding her, everything’s under control…”
Eli released a half laugh at his father’s word choice. Control? There was a laugh. Yeah, he’d made a decent stab at conquering the fear he’d let govern him these past several years, and that felt good. But scaring Tess off hadn’t exactly been part of the game plan.
She and the kids were gone by the time he got back to the house. No surprise there. Nor was the questioning look his mother lobbed at him, followed by a casual “Everything okay?” first chance she got, when everybody had gone home and Eli was helping her stack the chairs and what-all back in the frigid garage.
“Sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“You tell me.”
“Everything’s fine, Mom,” he said, giving her a fast hug before grabbing his jacket and walking out the open garage door and back to his own house.
He barely got inside before his cell rang. He stared at the display for a couple more rings, steeling himself, before he answered.
“I take it the kids are asleep.”
“Yeah,” Tess said, then heaved something between a laugh and a sigh. “I have absolutely no idea why I’m calling.”
Eli lowered himself onto the edge of his sofa. “You do know who you called, right?”
This time the laugh had a little more oomph to it, the slightly hysterical twinge notwithstanding. “You do know you threw me a curveball tonight, right?”
“Yeah, sorry about that. But I had to, before I thought of all the reasons why I shouldn’t. Except you know…I’m thinking this was more about me finally breaking through something I should’ve dealt with a long time ago than it was about you. You and me. Whatever.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“That’s not just you covering your butt?”
Eli smiled. “There might be some of that going on, but mostly no. So whatever you say, I’m good.”
A pause. “You sure?” she said, and Eli told himself it was nuts to feel disappointed.
“I’m sure.” When she hesitated again, though, his patience kinda gave out on him. “Tess, for cryin’ out loud—how long does it take to say ‘No damn way—’?”
“That’s not what I was going to say,” she said softly.
“What?”
“Oh, Eli,” she said on another sigh, and he could just see the what-am-I-about-to-get-myself-into? expression on her face. “Right now, right this moment, everything I said to you in the restaurant that day, about needing my autonomy—I still feel the same way. So by rights I should be telling you no damn way. But…1 can’t.”
“And the problem with this is…?”
“The problem is, I don’t know how much I’ve got left to give. If it would be enough for you.” She hesitated again. “I care about you, I really do. What you told me tonight broke my heart. And made me see red, that somebody would lie to you like that. And…and when we’re together, you make me feel…good. Almost hopeful. But…” She sighed. “I can’t seem to think in terms of forever anymore. Not about you, I mean, I really can’t fathom it. As if the concept itself doesn’t compute.”
“Then…” Eli took several deep breaths to calm his stampeding heart. “Then how about we just take it day by day?”
“But you’ve already been hurt once—”
“And I survived. Didn’t think I would at the time, but I did.” He leaned his head back on his sofa, his eyes shut. “And so did you.”
The silence was almost deafening, so much so Eli was sure she was gonna say forget it, she’d changed her mind. Instead she whispered, after what seemed like an hour, “Day by day?”
“Day by day, honey,” he said, adding, for good measure, “You call the shots.”
“What about the kids?”
“Same goes. I can be as much or as little a part of their lives as you want.” At her silence, he added, “But I won’t let them get attached and then leave ’em high and dry.”
“That’s a pretty big promise.”
“I know.”
“And what do you get out of this?”
“You have to ask?”
She laughed softly. “Honestly, you sound like me trying to close a deal on a house.”
“How’m I doing?”
Another lengthy pause preceded, “I’ll leave the front porch light on.”
Her hand shaking, Tess set her cell phone on the counter and crossed her arms over her equally quivering stomach, thinking, You’ve gone and done it now, sister.
Had she really just given the green light to a real, honest-to-God affair? The one-night boinkfest had been bad enough, a smirch on her otherwise-sainted life—she thought with a tight smile—she’d never live down, even if only in her own head.
But she was tired. Tired of always making the right choice, doing the right thing, always sacrificing her own needs for her children’s.
And at least she’d been truthful with Eli. She wasn’t sure she believed in forever anymore, except when it came to her babies—
Her phone rang. She picked it up, her heart thundering, half hoping he’d changed his mind, half apprehensive that he had.
“Got as far as Ortega’s and realized I don’t actually know where you live.”
“Oh. Right. East on Main to Jefferson, then three blocks north. Car’s in the driveway.”
“Got it.”
A couple of minutes was all she had to…do what? Call him back, say she’d had second thoughts? Slip into something less…motherly? She glanced down at her turtleneck and jeans, tried to remember what she was wearing underneath. Cotton cami and briefs. Pink. Boring—
She heard Eli’s truck pull up behind her SUV, hurried to open the front door before he rang the bell. The cold air rushed in, balm to her heated face as she watched first one long leg then the other emerge from the cab. Once out, he slammed shut his door, setting the neighbor’s dog to barking. A black Lab/rottie mix, as sweet as he was dumb. And loud.
“Sorry!” Eli whispered, cringing slightly as he tiptoed up the walk.
“It’s okay,” she said, eyes on his as he approached. “The kids sleep through anything.”
“Glad to hear it,�
�� he murmured, taking her in his arms and kissing the very bejeezus out of her. For a moment, the fear blossomed, hot and red and fierce…only then Eli backed up, his hands on her shoulders, and smiled—not a full-out grin, just this tiny little how-ya-doing? tilt to his lips that made her laugh. She lifted her hands to his face, hard and scratchy and male, his soft curls tickling her knuckles, wanting him—wanting forever—so badly she thought she’d expire right then and there.
“You’re cold,” she whispered.
“Long as you plan on letting me in the house, shouldn’t be a problem.”
“I can do that,” she said, taking him by the hand and leading him inside. A young fire popped and snapped in the kiva fireplace in the corner, bathing everything in rippling gold.
“This is nice,” Eli said, quietly shutting the front door behind him and removing his cowboy hat, dropping it on the table beside him. “Sure different from my place.”
“Yeah, but at least your place is real,” tumbled out of her mouth before she had a chance to catch it. Eli gave her a hard look. “What you see is from my what-can-I-do-to-save-my-marriage? phase. Because it felt, I don’t know. Masculine. It’s not really me, though.”
“And what is you?”
“Honestly? I haven’t had five minutes to figure it out.”
“So maybe you should ditch everything you don’t like until you do.”
She laughed. “Just like that?”
“Why not? Why live with stuff that makes you feel like you’re in somebody else’s house? And that sectional would look real good in the Coyote house, don’t you think?”
Tess turned, visualizing the pale leather against the brown sugar walls, and smiled. “Sold,” she said, and Eli chuckled, saying he’d swing back by to pick it up after he delivered the bed and table the following day. Then he noticed the Christmas tree box leaning against the wall, surrounded by boxes of lights and ornaments she’d dragged in from the garage.
“You fixing to put up your tree?”
A Marriage-Minded Man Page 15