by Jessie Rosen
“’Something you’d rather not say over email?’” Amanda yelled. “Could that be any clearer?! Someone knows.”
“I’m not sure,” Charlie said. “What if they’re just being overly sensitive to you? Maybe you got dumped on the bridge, or your dad used to take you there and he died, or you have anxiety about all bridges. I just think these people are offering you the chance to explain yourself and that you’re maybe reading into the way they said it.”
“And what if you’re wrong?”
Charlie sat down on the couch for a second, thinking. Amanda was right: there was no room for error in this situation.
“You can’t go through with this. We’ll come up with an excuse for you and email it back, and then you’ll never talk to these people again. But the bottom line is that I don’t think we need to be paranoid.”
“Really? Because I think this message and those Vids are from the same people.”
“I think that’s an assumption,” Charlie said. “Mine were from this ‘C-O’ name and this is from some person named Sasha from a real company with a real email address. I know it’s scary—I’m freaked, too—but we have to stay calm and look at the facts.”
Amanda cuddled in next to Charlie and put her head in her hands. It was a move Charlie hadn’t seen from her in a very long time.
“I wish so, so much that I didn’t…but I think you’re wrong, Charlie,” she said through the fingers covering her face. When she looked up, Charlie saw tears in her eyes. “I just don’t think it’s a coincidence.”
“But it’s been almost two years. Why would someone do this now? The case is closed.”
“It may be closed legally, but it’s open again in everyone’s minds,” Amanda said, “and we have one person to thank for that.”
“You think Laura has something to do with this?” Charlie asked. “She lived three thousand miles away when this all happened.”
“No. I think that someone decided just how much they care about Sarah Castro-Tanner now that Laura is here to remind them. She’s like the trigger. And whoever it is thinks we know something.”
Charlie didn’t have an argument for that theory. He didn’t entirely believe it, but he didn’t have a comeback.
“Well, we do know something,” he finally said. “But why would they think that?”
“That’s what we need to figure out.”
September 28
Laura
Almost two weeks passed before Charlie had time to pick up the school newspaper interview where he and Laura left off. Soccer season was in full swing, meaning his nights and weekends were jammed with practices and games, plus Laura was getting more and more assignments for the paper, making her own after-school hours packed. She was actually grateful for the delay. There was a definite change in Charlie since the beginning of the school year, especially when it came to his relationship with Amanda. From what Laura could tell, they were spending less and less time together.
Laura had walked by the cafeteria on her way to eat lunch with Becca and noticed Charlie sitting with the soccer team at least half of the days lately, leaving Amanda with Kit and Miller at their table. Rumor also had it that Charlie and Amanda were both originally on the ballot for the homecoming-king and -queen race, which would be announced before the big football game at the end of the month, but Charlie had removed his name. That told Laura that whatever was going on between them wasn’t a one-week standoff.
And then there was the way Charlie treated her every morning in English class. Laura prided herself on being more perceptive than the average girl. She had always been obsessed with detective shows and gobbled up crime novels like they were magazines, but it didn’t take a Sherlock superfan to tell that Charlie was flirting with her. He was constantly turning around in his desk to make quick jokes about whatever Ms. O’Malley was barking. He asked for her opinion on how he should handle all the homework assignments. All he kept talking about was their next workout session together. And at the beginning of every class, he found something about her appearance to compliment. Yesterday it was her eye makeup. Laura was no expert in the ways of the seventeen-year-old boys, but she had a feeling they only mentioned eye makeup if they were out of things to say.
For good or for bad, it was working. The butterflies Laura felt for Charlie hadn’t gone away since their first conversation, and now that he was actually paying attention to her and moving away from his old crew, Laura’s heart gave itself permission to run wild. It was like all the emotions she’d bottled up over the past weeks got supercharged in whatever space she’d shoved them into inside her body. She was completely infatuated with Charlie, and it was affecting way more than her focus during the fifty minutes of first period. When Charlie finally suggested they finish their interview at a fun spot in town, Laura had to do everything in her power to keep from ejecting out of her desk chair.
“What are you doing tonight, Cali?” Charlie asked at the end of class on Monday.
“I’d have to check,” she said, “but nothing immediately comes to mind.” The “checking” was a total bluff. If Laura had any plans at all, she’d cancel them in a hot second.
“Well, I owe you an interview, and we have off from practice. I was thinking we could do it somewhere fun. Any favorite spots you’d like to go on Nassau Street?”
Laura hoped to God her face didn’t betray her attempt to play this cool, because if she looked anything like she felt, then Charlie was currently staring at a human jack-o-lantern fully on fire.
“I’ve been meaning to check out that gelato place,” she said. “Would that work?”
“You’ve never been to Al Gelato?” Charlie asked. “That place is an Englewood institution! Meet me there at eight o’clock. I’m going to change your life.”
Laura knew he didn’t mean anything by that statement, but something about it made her entire body tingle. Charlie Sanders was fully capable of changing her life, and right now she was prepared to let him.
* * *
They met outside the ivy-covered shop where Al Gelato had existed for twenty-five years according to a hand-painted sign strung across the green awning. Charlie was wearing his brand-new varsity jacket, a navy-blue beanie that made his shaggy hair stick out in a million ways, and a pair of aviators to block the setting fall sun. As usual, he looked perfect.
“Nice shades,” Laura said as she approached the shop. “You’d fit right in where I used to live.”
“I wore these for you,” he said. “They’re my gramp’s old pair. Vintage. You’re always wearing stuff you find at thrift shops, right?”
He had been paying even more attention than Laura realized. Once again, a little flutter ran through her body, from her stomach to her face.
“I am,” she said, “I like this one place on Route 1. I’ll have to take you shopping there some time.”
“I’d like that,” he said, smiling. “Now, are you ready to go taste the greatest thing you’ve ever eaten in your life?”
After two double scoops each of a combo of eight flavors, Laura suggested they stroll around town and talk. She didn’t want the interview sessions to end and it didn’t feel like they could really talk inside the crowded café. The article was supposed to be about what it feels like to be Charlie Sanders, and Laura had prepared some questions that she was afraid he wouldn’t answer honestly while surrounded by people. There was also the digging she wanted to do around what was going on with Amanda. Cheap as it was to use the article as a way to find out, Laura couldn’t help herself. She justified it as a way to protect her own heart. Charlie could definitely have his way with it if she wasn’t careful.
“This section of town is called ‘The Knolls,’” he said in his best cheesy tour-guide voice as they wound through a gorgeous neighborhood filled with the old, brick-covered mansions of Englewood’s richest sect. “This is where my mom and I drove through when the high-school coaches first called her about finding a way for me to play in Englewood.”
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�But didn’t you move here in middle school?” Laura asked.
“Yeah. That’s how serious Englewood is about soccer. Coach Stanley called my mom when I was in sixth grade, but it took us another year to figure it out.”
“Wow,” Laura said. “You’ve known him for a long time. Are you two really close?”
Charlie thought for a second before answering. Laura couldn’t read his face to figure out why. “The coach-player relationship is tricky,” he said. “Stanley is literally the ticket to the rest of my life, but I don’t agree with everything he does.”
“I don’t have to print this, but just out of my own curiosity, is he a good coach?”
“Yeah,” Charlie said. “He’s probably one of the best soccer coaches in the nation. That’s not my issue with him.”
“Oh,” Laura said, puzzled.
“Yeah. It’s complicated.”
“We don’t have to talk about it at all, then,” Laura said. “What were you saying about you and your mom driving around here?”
“Just that we were both so freaking intimidated. I remember my mom’s jaw literally dropping when she saw these houses. She didn’t say anything, but I know she was worried I’d never fit in if we moved into the section of town we could actually afford.”
“But that didn’t happen at all,” Laura said.
“No. Being on the team really helped—even in middle school—but, to be honest, it was all Amanda. She really took me under her wing at first. I think she wanted to protect me.”
“I’m sorry,” Laura said, “but that is a little hard for me to believe.”
“Yeah,” Charlie said. “Amanda’s become more controlling since we first met. At first she was this really rich girl who didn’t like all the people her parents surrounded her with. She wanted friends—and then ultimately a boyfriend—who was real. Our group came together after I came to town. I met Miller through soccer. Miller and Kit were already inseparable, and Amanda and Kit hit it off, somehow. It was awesome.”
“So then why did you ever break up?” Laura asked.
“That’s a very long story,” Charlie said. “Maybe some other time.”
“I understand,” Laura said. “There’s stuff I hate to talk about, too, like my family drama.”
“Does it have to do with the fact that they’re never around? I think you’re lucky, but it’s probably lonely, right?”
“Yeah. It is. But my parents and I don’t have the best relationship, so sometimes it’s nice.”
“Really?” Charlie asked, “How could anyone have a complicated relationship with you? You’re so easy to get along with.” The tone of his voice was genuine, not flirty, which Laura appreciated.
“Can I say something that’s going to sound awful?” she asked.
“You can say anything to me,” Charlie said. They were the exact words Laura was hoping to hear.
“I think my parents are just the kind of people that never should have had children. Their fighting really started when they had me, I think. I had a lot of issues as a kid. I didn’t talk for a long time, and I was shy and all these doctors thought there was something wrong with me. It hurt my parents’ relationship. They just had all these different ideas about how they should deal with me, so in order to stay together they decided to let the doctors handle me, and they went back to focusing on themselves.”
“Wow,” Charlie said. “That’s awful.”
“It used to be,” Laura said. “But now I’ve come to appreciate all the independence. I know how to take care of myself, and after high school I’ll be really comfortable just moving away.”
“Where will you go?” Charlie asked. “Back to Cali?”
“I don’t know,” Laura said. “It’s hard to imagine anything keeping me here yet.”
“Yet,” Charlie said. There was a cute tone to his voice, like he was not-so-subtly suggesting he might be the thing, but before Laura could come up with an equally cute reply, Charlie’s entire face shifted. He was stopped now, directly in front of a smaller, white brick home with black shutters and a bright-red door, and he was…upset. Definitely upset.
“Is everything okay?” Laura asked.
“Yeah,” Charlie said, “Sorry. It’s nothing.”
“Come on,” she said. “We just shared our deepest secrets for an hour, and now you’re going to lie to me?” She tried to be playful so that Charlie wasn’t more uncomfortable—there was clearly something he wasn’t saying.
“This house is where that girl Sarah lived,” he said. “The one who killed herself.”
“Oh God,” Laura said. “We shouldn’t just stand here staring. Does her family still live here?
“No,” Charlie said, “They moved out of town, about an hour away. No one ever moved in.”
“That makes sense. It’s still really hard for everyone in your class, I imagine. Scary,” Laura said, “because there’s never a real answer with a death like that.”
“I had a few classes with Sarah,” he said, “so I knew her.” He was still staring at the house. “She was really, really…troubled. Sometimes I wish I’d seen that before it was too late.”
Laura stepped toward Charlie and put her hand on his shoulder. Of all the things they’d discussed on their walk, this was the thing he was struggling the most with.
“It’s so hard with suicide,” Laura said. “There’s just no way to see all the signs, especially if you’re not that close to someone. You definitely can’t blame yourself.”
“Yeah,” Charlie said, “I know that. I just…feel like it could have been prevented.”
Laura looked closely at Charlie in that moment. He seemed so sincere, so honest, and so far from the flawless golden boy that everyone at Englewood made him out to be. She understood what it was like when everyone assumed you were a certain way. That was the way everyone treated her in her former life—like because she wasn’t cool enough to be in the “in” crowd, she wasn’t worth anyone’s time of day. It made her feel trapped, and she had an inkling that Charlie felt the same.
“Is it hard to be Charlie Sanders sometimes?” she asked. The question caught her as much off guard as it did Charlie. It felt weird to ask, but Laura suspected Charlie knew exactly what she meant.
He waited for a second before responding. Laura couldn’t tell if that was because he didn’t appreciate the question, or because he didn’t know the answer.
“Yes,” he said finally. “It’s really hard. I feel like there’s the Charlie I’m supposed to be and then there’s the Charlie I really am.”
In that moment all Laura wanted to do was put Charlie at ease. She didn’t mean for it to be romantic, it was just that all her feelings for him came together in that moment. Without thinking, she did what her brain was subconsciously telling her body to do. The next thing she knew, her arms were wrapped tightly around his muscular waist, so tightly that she could claps her fingers together on the other side of his body.
Charlie didn’t act weirded out or upset, he just sank his body into hers and brought his own arms up and around her middle, wrapping them even more tightly together.
Laura didn’t know where this was going, what Charlie felt, or what she should do next. The only thing she was certain of was that right now she would give anything for him to kiss her. They finally separated after what felt like forever.
“Thanks,” Charlie finally said. “That was really nice.”
Laura smiled, relieved. “Let’s make a deal with each other, okay?” she said. “Let’s only be the versions of ourselves we want to be when we’re alone together.”
“I like it,” Charlie said, “but that means we’re going to have to be alone together more often.”
“I'd like that,” Laura said.
September 29
Charlie
Charlie sat up in bed for what felt like the thousandth time that night. He knew what he would do if he finally let himself get out of bed, and he knew it was the world’s worst idea.
Walking by
Sarah’s house had been creepy. It brought back all the awful memories of what happened before she died and made all the cryptic things that had gone on over the past few weeks feel real. The VidBits had stopped for the moment, and that weird marketing person hadn’t responded to Amanda, but the fear was still lingering, like it might all pick back up at any moment. It was affecting everything. Amanda didn’t feel comfortable being too close to him at school in case someone was watching. Kit and Miller were totally confused about what was going on because Amanda insisted on keeping it a secret, and it just made Charlie want to retreat into his soccer life as much as physically possible.
But right now that wasn’t the thing that had Charlie’s mind spinning; it was Laura. She got him in a way that only one person in his entire life had before. This was not the same as the first time, of course. Laura was open and honest. They’d spent hours together. She was real. But if Charlie had fallen so hard once, could he make that same mistake again?
Charlie stared at the clock on his bedside table: 2:45 a.m. It had only been thirty minutes since he last checked. In five hours he would be on his way to school after the second sleepless night in a row. It was happening again. The sight of those glowing, red numbers made him think back to his sessions with Dr. Walters.
“Pain demands to be felt,” she’d told him during their first session together. It was six months after Sarah died, and over a year since he and Amanda survived everything that happened to them during freshman year. Charlie had certainly felt his fair share of pain, and he’d become an expert at pushing those feelings away. Of course, his mom thought that the cloud hanging over Charlie’s every move was because of what happened with Amanda, but that was surprisingly gone from his mind after everything with Sarah unfolded. It was like there wasn’t space for him to worry about two things at once. When she suggested he, “go talk to someone”—suburban mom language for “see a shrink”—Charlie didn’t refuse. He wanted help. He just didn’t know how to get it without telling Dr. Walters the truth.