by Jessie Rosen
Other than those, the camp things, clothing, and a few stuffed animals, it was only two school notebooks: one marked “Chemistry” and the other “English.” Sasha didn’t understand why her parents felt compelled to save old homework. Maybe they wanted to see Sarah’s handwriting or remember that she was an incredibly smart girl despite her issues?
Sasha opened up the folder where all the papers were kept and grabbed the first sheet her fingers hit—a chemistry worksheet with Sarah’s notes and scribbles all over it. It was a series of Lewis dot structures for compounds, the same lesson Sasha had been staring at and zoning out on in her own Chemistry class that morning. Sasha had forgotten that she was now the exact age her sister was before she died and taking the exact same classes. The fact gave her instant chills.
Sasha tried to refocus on the series of dots, dashes, and letters on the page but her eyes did all the work—they immediately jumped to the compound drawn at the very bottom of the page. It was impossible to miss because it was circled at least five times in deep, red pen.
If Sasha had paid any attention in class over the past months she would have known what the letters C and O surrounded by those dots and lines stood for, but instead she had to rush over to her laptop to look it up.
Carbon monoxide is a colorless, odorless, and tasteless gas that is slightly less dense than air. It is toxic to humans when encountered in concentrations above about thirty-five ppm, although it is also produced in normal animal metabolism in low quantities, and is thought to have some normal biological functions. It is conversationally known as “the silent killer” due to its ability to kill without ever being detected in a room.
Sasha didn’t read past the words “silent killer.” That was all she needed to see.
It seemed ridiculous to draw the connection—this was probably just a spot on the chart that Sarah couldn’t remember so she circled it a bunch of times to help. If there was any more evidence, it might be something to consider, but all the doodles around the page were just of shapes and squiggles. Unless… Her fingers flipped the piece of paper over and she immediately dropped it to the ground. It landed backside up, forcing her to stare at the hundreds and hundreds of handwritten COs all over the page. Then, in the bottom right corner, so small that Sasha didn’t see it at first, were the words that made her stop breathing: “the silent killer.”
Sasha didn’t realize she spoke the words out loud until they were out of her mouth and hanging in the air: “Sarah…is it you?”
Chapter 15
November 26
Laura
Laura was perfectly happy to be spending this Thanksgiving day alone with a pizza from D’Amore's. She’d spent the previous November holiday weekend wrapped up in bandages from the second of six surgeries required to make her transformation complete, so anything would have been more comfortable. Also, now felt like a nice time to think through all the things she was thankful for over the past two years.
Laura grabbed the five-subject notebook where she’d kept all her plans around Project CO. She was up to the last section now: Execution. Section One was filled with pre-planning; Section Two became all about survival; Section Three was dedicated to transformation; and Section Four was devoted to her return. Sarah had been a straight-A student for her entire life, but this notebook belonging to Laura was her proudest achievement.
She found a spare page among all the notes and reminders she had for what had happened over the past three months and what was still to come, then wrapped herself in her bedspread and sat down in her backyard on a beach chair she had bought for the party. In twenty-four hours, this space would be filled with all her friends and fans from EHS. They would fawn all over Laura and her amazing party-planning skills. Most of them would be insanely jealous. And not a single one would know that the girl they wished they could be was the same girl they’d barely known existed. Sometimes Laura felt like it was all too good to be true, but she hated that stupid phrase. Nothing was too good to be true because the truth was something you could control, if you were smart enough.
Things To Be Thankful For, 2015 Edition
Thank you, Andrew, for being the person who really made this all possible. If you hadn’t given me the chance to blackmail you with a statutory rape claim I would have never gotten the money to live on my own for all this time. I used to think that “Sass” was to blame for what happened in the woods that morning because she didn’t have the strength to really say no. But I was a child and you were an adult, and I’ve come to learn that there was zero excuse for what you did that day. I think based on everything I’ve put you through since then, you’ve come to learn that, too.
Thank you, Dr. Jerry Craig, for your incredible plastic surgery skills and for agreeing with me that it was better to do what I said than deal with the repercussions of having your son on trial. You made a wise decision, and you did beautiful work. Also, it was so nice to see you in sunny California for a little touch up a few weeks ago. I’ll be back for another checkup in the spring!
Thank you, Mom and Dad, for making it so easy for me to exist on my own in two states for almost two years. Your total lack of attention to me after you couldn’t “fix” whatever you thought was wrong with me really made me independent, and that has definitely paid off.
Thank you to the very kind criminals of Los Angeles who sold me a fake passport and a fake driver’s license, which allowed me to buy a car, rent a house, register for high school, and countless other things without anyone knowing I’m a sixteen-year-old dead girl. You guys get a bad rap, but you’re really so smart.
Thank you, Lexi…or should I say Sasha. This one is tough because I wish I could tell you everything I’ve been up to. You know I’m doing this for you and for me—it’s for all the girls who were ignored and tortured like I was over the years. I promise that I won’t stay hidden from you forever. There’s a bigger plan, and you are involved.
I can’t forget you, Amanda. If not for you there would have been no plan to pretend to be my friend and then freak me out. You were really the ringleader defending Charlie’s honor after the whole silly “Chelsea” incident. I get that you wanted to help him after everything he did for you. Pretending to be the father of your baby is a pretty intense gift. I remember him being pretty affected by it when he told “Chelsea” everything that happened. But you two are a big part of the problem with this world—you let the bad guys be bad. Maybe it’s time for the real bad guy in your story to pay for what he did. I made mine pay, and it feels really, really good.
Thank you even more to the secret tipster who let me know what Charlie’s crew was planning for me that night so I could take matters into my own hands. I always suspected that you were some concerned Englewood kid who suffered like I did and wanted to protect me. I tried to figure out who you were, but ultimately decided to let it go and just appreciate your gift. Maybe some day we’ll reconnect, though I would have to make my thank-you a secret as well.
And finally, thank you, my Charlie. Without you I never would have had the courage to leave my old life behind for the one I was destined to live. You were my constant motivation, and every struggle I’ve been through has been worth it because of what I’m gaining in the end—total and complete power over you. For the next few weeks, it may seem like my moves are driven by anger, but I promise you’ll someday understand that everything I’ve done for you has been out of love. You need to get out of the crazy cycle of lies Amanda started. You are better than all that you’ve done. I wanted to teach you a lesson, Charlie, but now that I’m almost done with that, I want to show you that we can be happy together. Chelsea was real—a real version of me—and you fell in love with her. And now I’ve made myself over, and you’ve fallen in love with me again. We’re meant to be together. And soon I’ll make it so that you have no choice but to agree.
November 27
Charlie
Charlie couldn’t believe how nervous he was as he walked up to Laura’s house. Six months ago, he
would have been one of the first people at a packed Englewood party, running around the room like he was the host even if it was at Jeff, Billy, or Miller’s house. Now he was seriously considering leaving and he hadn’t even made it to the front door.
Laura had ended up inviting Amanda, Kit, and Miller as well, telling them all that she felt like they deserved a second chance even if what they did to Sarah was wrong. Charlie was the only one who accepted. The rest of them had only ever been friendly to Laura out of convenience, and even then they never gave her the welcome she deserved. At the very least they should have supported him when he was dating Laura.
Charlie understood why the rest of Englewood was done letting him and his friends rule for no reason: they didn’t deserve the power they once had anymore. Charlie wasn’t a soccer star. Amanda had taken herself off the social committee. Kit, who was known as the friendliest of the bunch, had been totally silent since all the Sarah news came out, and Miller was now like her grumpy bodyguard. Charlie did not want this to be his life moving forward, and if that meant leaving Amanda, Kit, and Miller behind, that’s what he would have to do. His goals had never changed: he wanted to make it out of Englewood and into college so he could maybe still possibly become a doctor. If he could accomplish acceptance to any college after what happened, that would be enough. If not, he didn’t know whether or not his life would be worth living. But things were finally looking up for him now that the case wasn’t front and center, and he needed to use the opportunity to rebuild his life, if that was even possible.
Once he finally mustered up the courage to open Laura’s front door, Charlie was blown away. This setup was more awesome than anything he’d ever seen, and the parties of Englewood were pretty epic. Laura’s house looked more like a fully decorated school dance that just happened to be inside someone’s living room. Everywhere he turned was another element that turned the space into a California beach bungalow: surfboards leaning up against the walls, special light bulbs that made the room feel like it was filled with real sunshine, old school O.C. ska music blaring over surround-sound speakers, and girls in bathing suits and sheer cover-ups drinking from cups with little, pink umbrellas. Charlie knew that Laura was creative, but this was next level.
Charlie grabbed a drink and said a few hellos to people. Everyone was as surprised to see him as he figured they would be considering they all probably knew what happened in Coach’s office on Tuesday. The EHS gossip ring was almost as strong as the soccer team. But so far they were being civil. He had decided that he would leave the minute anyone made a big deal about him being around. It wasn’t worth a fight or extra embarrassment. He was there to help rekindle things with Laura, and he didn’t need a step in the wrong direction. So far, though, he hadn’t seen the girl of the hour.
He made his way through the living room where tables were adorned with bowls of guacamole, salsa, queso, and Tostito chips. There was even a massive tray of shrimp tacos that looked homemade. The whole thing must have taken days to shop for and set up.
He finally found her standing outside on what looked like an actual sandy beach, holding court as a bunch of people laughed at whatever story she was telling. Charlie’s eyes stopped and locked on her; she looked perfect. Her blond hair was down over her shoulders, wild and curly. Despite the November chill, she was wearing a tiny, red bikini top under an old denim jacket with baggy, colorful pants and no shoes. Charlie’s eyes shifted from Laura’s face straight to her stomach, where he counted an actual four-pack. He’d forgotten how strong she was, in addition to being so beautiful. Then his gaze instinctively moved to all the guys standing around her—closely. They, like him, were also staring straight at Laura’s body. Charlie felt a little heat rise from his chest to his head. He was jealous.
Laura had been his from her very first day at Englewood, but he lost her as a girlfriend because of his own stupidity. Now he was just another guy in line. Charlie could not let this happen. He didn’t just want Laura in his life because she was funny, sweet and interesting. He needed her because she could be his way back into acceptance. If Laura forgave him, Charlie realized, then everyone else at Englewood might, and he wouldn’t have to beg his mother to transfer him to another school where he’d have to start all over.
Of course he would never confess all that to Laura. Bottom line, he had to have Laura back, and he had to start that campaign right now.
Charlie stood and waited just inside the sliding door to the fake beach patio so that Laura would see him the moment she looked inside. Once she finally did he turned on his nicest, most innocent smile—one that said, “thank you for inviting me, but I’m feeling a little awkward.”
Laura smiled back with a look that made him know she understood and excused herself from the group and walked inside to meet him. Step one: check.
Laura
“Are you bringing me in here so people don’t see you talking to me?” Charlie asked as Laura led him into her bedroom.
“No,” she said. “I heard Billy Cosentino saying some really mean stuff about you, and I don’t want him to confront you in the middle of the party.”
Charlie’s face fell, but he didn’t look surprised to hear that information. “It’s fine,” he said. “I deserve it.”
“No one deserves to be abused. I told him that if he had an issue with you he could take care of it at his own party. This is mine, and I’m not tolerating any of that crap. Just hang here for a minute or so until he cools down or leaves.”
“I don't believe you,” Charlie said.
“What do you mean?” Laura asked.
“You’re, like, not a real person,” he replied. “You threw this insane party that’s better than anything we’ve ever seen here.”
“Oh, well…some of the girls from the homecoming committee helped a lot…”
“But it’s not just that. You’re being so cool to me when nobody else is. You don’t need to do this.”
“I know, but I get what it’s like to be treated like you’re some kind of monster.”
“But I am a monster,” Charlie said, putting his fist to his forehead. “Or I was…to Sarah.”
Laura had to fight everything in her body not to betray herself by smiling from ear to ear. It wasn’t a confession of what he had done, but it was finally an admission of who he was back then, and she absolutely loved hearing it.
“I know,” she said. “It’s still hard for me to believe you did whatever you did to her, and I don’t even know the whole story.”
“I want to tell you,” Charlie said earnestly. “I want to start over and be honest with you about everything. I’m just not sure I can. It’s too hard to talk about.”
They were sitting side by side on the bed now. Laura distanced herself a little from him to let him know she didn’t appreciate him keeping information from her.
“But maybe I can someday,” he hurried to add.
“That’s something,” she said. “I want to believe in you, Charlie. Because—this feels weird to admit—but I think you know I really fell in love with you when we first got together.”
Charlie smiled. “I didn’t know that,” he said, “but I’m glad I do now.”
“Yeah, well, now is different.”
Charlie shifted his body so that he could look her directly in the eyes. “I know,” he said, “but I’ll do anything to prove I can still be a good boyfriend to you. I want to try to get back together, Laura. Is there any chance that could happen?”
Laura was silent for enough time to make Charlie squirm. “I think we could try,” she finally said.
“Maybe we could go somewhere special for our second first date or something?”
“Maybe,” Laura said. “I need to take it really slow though. What if we see how things go for a few weeks and then plan something special for around Christmastime?”
“That sounds great,” Charlie said. “Some kind of big, fancy holiday date?” Laura smiled at that suggestion, like she just had a brilliant idea. “
Whoa. What?” Charlie said, noticing her reaction. “Do you have an idea?”
“Yes, but…oh,” she said, quickly turning the smile to a concerned look. “It might be weird.”
“What is it?” Charlie asked. There was an awkward desperation in his voice. “I’m sure it wouldn’t be weird. I’m cool with everything.”
“My grandmother had this old cabin—like two hours from here. It was my favorite place in the world, and we used to go there every year for Christmas, until Gram died. But this year my parents are letting me go there for one night before I meet them on vacation, by myself.”
“Wow,” Charlie said. “Your parents are insane.”
“They just trust me. But they definitely wouldn’t want me bringing you or any guy there. I have to think about it. I don’t like lying to them.”
“But they’ll never know, right?” Charlie said. “And this is the kind of stuff we’re supposed to do in high school. It’ll be one of those things we talk about forever!”
“Forever?” Laura asked. Charlie blushed. “I’ll think about it. We should get back to the party now though. I’m not quite ready for people to start rumors about us getting back together.”
“I get that,” Charlie said.
They both headed toward the door, but just as Laura was about to walk out, she stopped short and turned back to Charlie. “Oh, wait,” she said. “I forgot one thing about the cabin night.” She made sure to sound guilty and disappointed so that Charlie wouldn’t suspect anything. “Crap… We should forget it. It won’t be a good day for you to go.”