“No!” The disobedient word escaped before he thought twice.
“It’s my choice!”
His father narrowed his violet eyes and delivered a sharp blow to Leo’s midsection.
Leo doubled over and cried out in pain. The waves of hurt coursing through his body were only intensified by the soreness lingering from withdrawal.
“What’d you say to me?” CS yelled.
Leo coughed violently and tried to stand at attention, panicked by the prospect of military rule for four years of school and five more years of duty. “That’s nine years of my life, sir. You can’t make me give you nine more years!”
“Well, I’m certainly not paying for my drug addict son to go to college.” He smiled. “And you’re not giving me those years in the Navy, you’re giving them to yourself. They’ll be the best nine years of your life. Let’s try this again. Leo, you’ll attend the Naval Academy.” Leo felt something dying inside. Any hope that he’d ever escape his father’s dominion drained out like liquid onto the floor, and he stood in a puddle of despair. If it wasn’t his father, it’d be some commanding officer forcing him to follow orders. It would never change.
The light in his eyes faded. “Yes, sir. I’m going to the Academy.” With a curt nod, his father moved on. “Your mother never complained to me about missing pills. Where’d you get them?” Failure to answer earned Leo a stunning blow to his face, which disoriented him. He felt a warm stickiness below his bottom lip.
His father leaned in close. “Who gave you the pills, Leo?” CS moved to unleash another punch, and Leo blurted, “Tony, sir! Jason’s friend Tony.”
“Unbelievable. Your brother’s been gone for years, and he’s still hurting this family.”
“It wasn’t Jase’s fault, sir.”
His father backhanded Leo’s head, snapping his neck to the left and radiating pain down his body. Leo felt tears forming.
“I told you never to mention your brother’s name again!” Leo had no idea where Jason and his mother were, but he wished he could warn them. He couldn’t imagine what CS would do if Jason confronted him.
“Your mother put you into that treatment center?”
“Yes, sir.” Leo followed orders and didn’t mention Jason. He clenched his jaw as a tear rolled down his cheek.
“Look at that.” His father snorted with disgust. “That treatment’s already weakened you. Crying like a baby. I’m going to have to toughen you up before Plebe Summer.”
Great.
“What was Mary thinking, believing she could go behind my back like that?” he mused. “She and I will have a little talk.”
“Don’t hurt her,” Leo warned.
“And what will you do about it?” His father swooped over, inches from Leo’s face. “Do you want to hit me, Leo? C’mon, give it your best shot. Let’s see what happens.”
Leo’s eyes widened. He wanted nothing more than to beat the smirk off his father’s face, but he was terrified at what would happen if he tried. His hands curled into fists at his side, and he felt his heart pound.
His father shook his head. “Thought so. Despite my best efforts, I’ve managed to raise a crying little sissy.” He stepped back. “Your little addiction to pills stops immediately, young man, and you don’t need therapy to do it. That counselor — Shale is his name? He actually mentioned one useful idea: drug testing. I’m testing you every week until you leave for the Academy. If you pop one positive test, you won’t like the consequences.”
“Yes, sir.” The floodgates had opened, and tears streamed down Leo’s face.
“You’re never to take another pill the rest of your life. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, sir,” he choked out.
“Let’s make sure you do.”
Leo felt his father’s hand on the back of his neck and the rush of air as his head slammed down to the desk. Leo heard his forehead crack on the oak surface and felt the familiar warm stickiness spread over his forehead just before all went black.
Slow, muted voices in the background pulled Leo toward hazy consciousness. The words were fuzzy and deep, each syllable stretched out. Was he underwater? He was peacefully floating in the depths of the pool, weightless. The muffled voices must be calling to him from the surface. But he was tired, so tired, and just wanted to keep sleeping.
The voices wouldn’t stop, and when his eyes finally opened, he saw an angry copper bloodstain on the carpeted study floor, just inches from his face. Then he noticed the rubber casing at the bottom of one of his mother’s walking canes. His eyes traveled up the cane to find her face, veiled by tears.
“Leo,” she sobbed, leaning over to press a moistened paper towel against his forehead. “I’m so sorry.” Leo raised his hand to take the dressing and felt wetness. He wiped his cheeks and noticed the now-red towel. No wonder his mother was crying.
He tried to sit up, but shooting pain in his side halted his progress.
He groaned as he returned his head to the carpet. At that moment he heard voices shouting in the other room. It was amazing how Jason’s deep baritone now closely mimicked his father’s smooth, commanding voice.
“Why’d you come back early?” his brother asked.
“Not that it’s any of your business, but I asked my insurance company to contact me before authorizing treatment. Tri-Care screwed us over so badly with your mother’s medical bills — I wanted to be on top of any denial they’d try to sneak past us. It’s a good thing somebody alerted me to your little subterfuge while I was gone. How dare you, Jason?”
“How dare I try to help my brother?”
“How dare you come in here behind my back and think you know what’s best for this family! You’re twenty-two years old. What do you know? I’m surprised you’re not in prison somewhere.” Jason exhaled. “I could say the same for you, child abuser.” Leo remembered when he was thirteen and Jason had called Child Protective Services. CS had warned his sons that if they said anything about their punishments they’d go into foster care, which would devastate their mother. Naturally Leo kept his mouth shut, and CS had skated out of any charges. But he’d never forgiven Jason for making the report and banished him from their home.
“Only one of us belongs in prison,” his father sneered. “We had a deal.”
“I know. As long as I never returned to Pensacola, you agreed not to report my thefts to the police.”
Startled by that revelation, Leo tried to lift his head again.
“You being here violates the deal!” James yelled.
Leo felt his mother stir. “Things are about to get violent. Stay here, Leo.”
He eyed his mother’s bag left on the floor.
“What about the deal between father and son?” Jason yelled back.
“You were supposed to take care of us, not destroy us! You’ve become a monster, Dad!”
“Get out of here!” CS hissed. “We’re doing just fine without you!” Leo heard a crash, followed by a sort of battle cry from his brother, and his mother screamed. She must have finally made it to the family room on her crutches.
After another crash, what must have been the ceramic lamp tinkled like glass as it broke. After a few moments, Leo heard his father’s voice, seething with anger.
“Go back to the hole you crawled from, you got it?” When there was no response, Leo knew CS had won. If his brother couldn’t best their father, what hope was there for him? Leo had heard enough. Summoning every ounce of energy he had — and then some — he dragged himself out of the study without making a sound.
Leo had just made it to the trees behind his house when he heard his father’s panicked shout. “Mary! Leo’s gone!” Somehow, Leo began to run.
Mary trembled as she sat on the sofa, wringing her hands. She hadn’t taken a pain pil since morning because she wanted to be lucid when she and Jason picked up Leo. Now the skipped dose had caught up to her. Her doctor had told her she needed to “stay ahead of the pain,” which was impossible in this family.
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James stomped down the stairs, his phone calls to locate Leo evidently unsuccessful.
She was so tired of the vice grip his anger had on the family.
“Do you remember the dreams we had for our sons?” she asked as he entered the room.
James looked up. “I know we hoped they’d go into the Navy, following in our footsteps. At least Leo will reach that goal.”
“What do you mean? He hasn’t made his college decision yet.”
“I made it for him today. He’s applied to the Academy, and I’ve heard he’s been accepted.”
“Don’t you think that should be Leo’s decision?”
“I think, Mary, that Leo lost that privilege the moment he started abusing drugs. He clearly isn’t objective about what’s best for him right now.”
“How’d he react when you told him he was going to the Academy?”
“He didn’t like it, but like a good sailor, he got on board.”
“Our family isn’t a military division, James! They’re our sons, not sailors you can order like pieces of meat.”
“I think they’re doing just fine,” James replied coldly.
“Fine? We have one son who’s an alcoholic, homeless thief. Our other son needs treatment for drug addiction, and we have no idea where he is right now. You’d say they’re doing fine? Would you say we’re doing a good job parenting, James?” He said nothing. It was rare for Commander Scott to be speechless.
“We’ve ruined Jason’s life,” Mary continued. “Leo’s headed down that same path, and I won’t let you destroy him too. I’ve made a decision. If you hurt Leo again, I’m leaving you.”
“You can’t do that.”
“I can, and I will. I don’t care if I have to go on welfare. I’m sick of you hurting our sons.” Feeling her heart pound in the heat of James’s glare, she added, “And I’ll take Leo with me. You don’t want to get in a custody battle with me.”
He shook his head. “I can’t believe our marriage has come to this. I won’t make it easy for you to leave, and I won’t let you take my son away from me.”
“Why do you care about keeping me and Leo?” Mary said, shaking her head. “Clearly you hate us.”
James recoiled. “Hate you? I love you both.”
“You love us both,” she said flatly. “You sure have an interesting way of showing it. I don’t think you know how to love anymore.” Her husband stared at her, his emotions unreadable. His gray eyes morphed to violet, reflecting the daylight streaming through the windows.
Mary held her breath. James had never hit her in their twenty-three years of marriage, but she knew that potential must be within him. She abhorred when he looked at her with pity because of her crippled legs, but that same pity seemed to prevent him from lashing out physically.
Finally James stormed out of the room, slamming the front door behind him. She sighed as she heard his car start, the whirring noise fading as he backed out of the driveway.
17. A Skinny Dip in the Pool of Despair
I should probably get on with it.
The setting sun and cool night air left Leo shivering in his T-shirt.
The blanket of trees and foliage in the woods didn’t provide much protection from the ocean breeze, and the moist undergrowth had dampened the seat of his jeans. But other than the wind occasionally rustling the leaves, it was peacefully quiet.
Leo sat cross-legged in the forest a few blocks from his house, looking down at the bottle in his hands. He’d felt like he was on autopilot when he’d retrieved the pills from his mother’s bag. He rolled the bottle back and forth from hand to hand, caressing it. It was nearly full, and the pills rattled as they shifted and tumbled inside.
From what he’d heard of the shouting match, he knew he should stop blaming Jason for being AWOL for four years. As always, the blame rested squarely with his father, who’d blackmailed Jason into staying away.
Leo wondered what Jason had stolen. Whatever it was, losing his family seemed like an unfair punishment. CS had made him pay dearly for that report to Child Protective Services.
Just as Cold Sadist had used secret information against his brother, Leo realized his father would use his drug addiction to control and manipulate him the rest of his life. If Leo tried to fight going to the Academy, he imagined CS would tell other college coaches about the Oxy. If Leo didn’t toe the line in the military, CS would tell his superiors about his drug history and ruin any chance at a successful career. His life was over.
Leo popped the cap off the bottle with his thumb and slowly poured its contents into his palm, mesmerized by the cascading shower of little white pills.
Oxycontin had been both his friend and his enemy. It soothed him when he was troubled. It didn’t yell at him or hit him when he screwed up. But it had also distanced him from others, forcing him to keep secrets and leaving him out of control. And it made him feel sick when he couldn’t get it.
Yes, both his friend and his enemy. And now it would end his life.
Trapped somewhere between numbness and despair, Leo barely registered his own sobs. As he stared at the mountain of pills in his sweaty palm, a tear fell from his eye and splashed onto one of his fingers. Why does my father hate me so much?
It had been different once.
Leo remembered hundreds of childhood car rides to and from swim practices and meets in his father’s prized red BMW. His father used to ask endless questions about Leo’s training and race strategy.
And though he knew much more about basketball than swimming, he’d applied his engineering skills to studying the hydrodynamics of stroke technique, and he and Leo had spent hours discussing and experimenting with minute changes in hand pitch, body roll, or ankle movement. Leo swam faster than ever before, and his father had beamed with pride.
About the time Leo turned twelve, his father abruptly sold the BMW and replaced it with a junky Chevrolet. Leo asked about the change, and his father told him German cars sucked and everyone should buy American. Then he changed the subject. Still confused, Leo asked Jason about it one day.
“Why’d Dad get rid of the Beamer?”
“You really don’t know?”
Leo shook his head. At seventeen, Jason seemed to know everything.
“We’re broke now ’cause of Mom’s medical bills. Dad had to choose between sel ing his car or forcing you to quit swimming. Your club’s really expensive, you know. Anything for your glorious swim career,” Jason added with a sneer.
Leo had been so grateful for his father’s quiet sacrifice. But where had that man gone? The man who’d once had trouble control ing his anger had now arrived at a place where his anger controlled him.
Seething hostility had worked into Cobra Snake like a slithering python, strangling any kindness or vulnerability.
Leo was tired of trying to charm the vicious snake to prevent it from striking. Its venom had seeped into his soul, infecting him with shame and hopelessness.
He cried harder now. What would his funeral be like? Would CS cry? Guilt gripped Leo when he visualized his mother sobbing, just as she’d done minutes ago, anguished that she couldn’t protect him.
His mom couldn’t stop the physical pain his father rained down on him, and she couldn’t heal his self-doubt and misery either.
Leo studied the pil s in his hand, counting them in a silent chant.
Twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty…a nice, even number. He’d almost be thirty by the time he could escape the Navy’s clutches, and he’d heard life went downhill from there. He might as well end it now.
Then Leo thought of Audrey — her gorgeous brown eyes gazing at him, her telling him he was kind and smart and a “hottie”…her sweet, bubbly spirit infusing him with happiness…her fine mind and feisty zeal…her lean, sexy body…He remembered the first time he’d seen that exquisite body, before they’d even started dating.
Two years ago, when Leo was a sophomore, he’d finally grown taller and more muscular. His friends told him he’
d drawn the attention of several girls, yet he was oblivious to their stares. Consumed by school, swimming, and trying to please his father, he hadn’t even considered dating.
It had been a hot September evening, and the swim team had just finished a grueling round of running the stadium stairs. Leo then added an additional half-hour of stair climbing for himself, knowing his father would expect that extra effort. As he emerged from the showers and toweled off in the empty locker room, he heard giggles in the pool.
Once dressed, Leo went to investigate the sound. The pool gates were locked, but all the swimmers knew the security code for those occasional mornings when Matt overslept. Leo heard giggles again.
He just had to find out what was so fun in there.
Quietly keying the code, Leo entered and stayed in the shadows of the pool deck as dusk encroached. Smack in the middle of the pool were Audrey Rose and Elaine Ferris, two sophomores on the girls team. They snorted with laughter as they attempted some synchronized swimming moves. Audrey’s graceful arm flared over her head as she kept her body afloat with furious kicking.
Elaine applauded. “Brah- vo,” she mocked.
When Audrey floated on her back and extended her lean leg in the air, Leo had gasped. Audrey was naked! Skinny dipping! He caught a glimpse of two perfect breasts: perky, curvy mounds he just had to caress. He suddenly saw the daughter of his father’s subordinate in a whole new light.
Elaine started. “Who’s there?”
Not wanting to be a creepy stalker, Leo had immediately stepped out of the shadows, his eyes alight with mischief. “I’m just enjoying the show, ladies.”
Audrey’s mouth dropped open. “Leo Scott!” She turned to Elaine, and they whispered. “Turn around, Leo!” Audrey ordered.
He gave a little mock salute and performed a sharp about face.
He heard vigorous splashing as Audrey and Elaine swam to the other side of the pool, then a rush of water as they pulled themselves out.
“Don’t peek!” Audrey shouted.
Leo put his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels and reveling in every second of her embarrassment.
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