“Ben, did you bring soda or do I need to grab something from the fridge?”
“No, just glasses, I got iced tea. How did homework time go today?”
“Good, we’ve been doing great as long as she lets me get away with not helping her with math and I don’t call her out for being a tad bit nerdy,” Alex said, laughing because of course, he’d always known Evie was smart. She was young and he was sure there was no way she knew more than him. Boy, was he wrong! His sister was incredibly intelligent and didn’t need Alex coming in to screw up her homework, no matter how much she wanted to make him feel good by including him.
“Ahhh yes, you were never good at math.” Ben laughed at him. Alex had just set the glasses down when Evie had come back into the dining room. She ran at Ben, jumping up and down, talking a mile a minute while she related the whole story about getting the part of the king in her school play. Ben listened attentively as he always did with Evie, like they were the only two in the room.
Ben had been there since Evie was born, the surprise baby of parents who already had an eighteen-year-old son. They never thought they could get pregnant again, since they had suffered with not being able to conceive after Alex. But she was loved from the moment they knew. Unfortunately, Alex’s dad never got the pleasure of meeting Evie. He died of cancer one month before Evie was born.
He’d been working on getting healthier at the request of his doctor, but it made no difference. Cancer stepped in to take away his last chances. He’d been losing weight and they were all so happy, but what they didn’t know was that he’d been throwing up almost daily for months and had severe abdominal pain that he hadn’t shared with anyone.
By the time it was discovered that he had cancer, it had spread throughout his abdomen, pushing on his stomach and blocking the flow of his food and anything else that needed to get through. Time had not been on his side and they had lost a dad and their mom had lost her love. That was a day he would never forget.
Hospice was a bitch. Just the knowledge alone that the person you loved was dying all the while you acted like that wasn’t what was happening. Acting as though life was normal and the nasogastric tube–NG tube as the nurse called it–that stuck out of his dad’s nose and the IV in his hand weren’t the things that were keeping him alive.
Finally, he was on his way home. The need to see his dad after a shitty day still as strong as ever. His dad was Alex’s rock. There at every step, every scrape, every triumph. Alex didn’t know what he would do without him. But he couldn’t show his growing fear to his parents, especially his mom. She was losing the love of her life all the while carrying the surprise baby they never thought they’d have.
He walked in the front foyer, dropping his messenger bag by the front door, he could hear his parents murmuring to each other in the other room.
When he walked into the room the first thing he saw was the tears in his mom’s eyes. It wasn’t new, he’d seen her crying a lot recently, trying to hide it when she thought no one was looking. That time his dad was comforting her so he knew something was up. “Dad?”
His dad, once an imposing man, tall and broad, but with a smile whenever you would need one, seemed diminished. He was no longer so broad. Cancer had taken care of that. His face looked older with wrinkles and saggy skin from the weight loss.
“Come here, Alex. We need to talk.” When a tear slid down his father’s cheek, he knew whatever it was that he was going to tell him wasn’t going to make his day any better. He walked over and sat on the opposite side of the bed from his mom. And that was when he realized that the NG tube that had been in his dad’s nose, the one thing keeping him alive, was gone.
“Dad, where’s the NG tube?” He could hear the tremble in his own voice. “Is the nurse just getting a new one or something?” Alex was pleading inside for that to be the answer, but he knew it wasn’t.
“No, son. You know that’s not the reason.” His dad took a deep breath then continued. “We got the results of the scan today, Alex. We were so hopeful, son, but the cancer has spread further,” he explained, unable to hold back a broken sob, shattering Alex’s heart. His mom had grabbed tight to his dad’s hand and waited until his cries died down. He continued, his voice breaking as he spoke. “I wanted so badly to be here. To hold our baby girl…the pain is no longer manageable, and they’re already giving me the maximum dose of pain medication…Your mom and I…we talked about it. Please understand,” he looked at Alex with pleading eyes, “I don’t want you guys to see me in pain…to watch me slowly wither away. When I hurt, your mom hurts, that’s just too much pain for all to endure. And your mom, she doesn’t want to see me in pain anymore. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Alex.”
His mom ran out of the room as the first sob left her and his dad watched her go with tears in his eyes as Alex just sat there with questions, so many questions, he was afraid to ask. He didn’t let go of his dad’s hand, he couldn’t let go.
I’m not ready!
That wasn’t supposed to happen yet, it’s not how it was supposed to end. Alex wasn’t prepared. But he wanted to be strong, for his dad, who had always been there giving him strength. But he was eighteen and losing his father was hard. The hardest thing that Alex had ever dealt with. And he didn’t know if he could do it. His throat was tight and tears filled his eyes.
He finally choked out, “Please, don’t be sorry, Dad. I love you.” He leaned down and laid his head on his dad’s chest. Knowing he wouldn’t have much more time. Soon he would be gone. His dad wrapped those once strong arms around him, surrounding him in the warmth he had come to associate with him. Alex felt protected and safe like he always did when his dad held him in his arms.
“Alex, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to be there for your mom, especially with Evie. She is going to need you to be strong for her. You know she won’t lean on you, she won’t ask you, but I will. I know I can count on you. When she cries, when she’s tired, when she acts like she has it all together know that she doesn’t. Be her rock, Alex. And when your little sister comes, love her for me.” He felt the shake in his dad’s body as he started to cry, with no one else would he break down like that. “I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I need to know she’s taken care of.”
Alex’s tears silently fell. It wasn’t a question, of course he’d fulfill his father’s last wish. He would be there, whenever and however they needed him. He could do that for his father, his best friend. “I…I can do that, Dad. I promise.”
The nurses stayed, making him as comfortable as possible. They said it could be days or hours. They made the most of the time they all had, talking about Evie and laughing over memories. But soon his dad was no longer responsive. His mom and Alex knew it was a long shot, but they sat talking to him as though he could hear them. Alex did all he could to comfort his mom. He was losing his dad, but she was losing the man she had spent the last twenty years loving.
They slept in the chairs by the bed. Alex had woken up once during the night to see his mom talking quietly to his dad. Alex couldn’t hear her words, but he could tell that she was crying again.
The next time he woke up the sun was shining in the windows and his mom was asleep in her chair. Sitting up, he looked over at his dad, and knew right then, his dad was gone. He wanted to cry and scream, he wanted to break and hide away, but he couldn’t. He had a promise to keep.
He shored up the walls he would need to give solace to his mom, to not break down any time she would need him, and woke her up. “Mom? You need to wake up.” As she opened her swollen, bloodshot eyes he wasn’t sure what she saw in his but she immediately started to cry.
“Oh, no. Oh, Reese, my love.” She barely got the words out before she broke down in Alex’s arms. Life would never be the same for them, he knew that, but he was determined to keep his promise to the man who’d always kept his.
It did him no good to dwell on the pain. The important part was that Alex had stepped up to the plate then and there, to be t
he rock his pregnant mom needed. He’d been determined to be the rock his mother and his baby sister needed. Determined to keep that damn promise.
They all loved Evie, even Ben, and each of them worked hard and made sure she had someone to play with and never felt the loss for not having their dad’s love.
“…and the king is tough but they convince him to give some of his own wealth to all the peasants and make them nobles!”
“Dude! That is so awesome! You are going to be a great king! Fist bump!” Alex now knew where Evie had gotten “dude” from and of course, it would be Ben. He really was a terrible influence on the girl.
“Hey, how come he gets a fist bump but I couldn’t get a high five?” Alex asked.
“Please do not tell me you asked her to give you a high five? Those are not cool, Alex. Fist bumps are where it’s at. But who am I kidding it’s you and you’re a dork, so I shouldn’t be surprised.” Ben smiled at Evie like a fool, and Evie was nodding her head in agreement, giggling.
“I am not a dork.” Alex grumbled the words, glad to be back on level ground again. And his memories once more locked away where they belonged. He started to dish the Chinese food onto his own plate and he wasn’t about to offer any to the two traitors across the table.
They started dishing out their own food. In between bites Alex talked about work and his current project, Evie talked about the video game Minecraft she was currently playing, and Ben just listened.
When they were all finally done eating they worked together to clean up the table, toss the paper plates, and wash the silverware. Alex suggested they watch some TV but Evie just wanted to go play with her toys in her room.
“Alright, Evie, but don’t forget you have to shower before bed tonight. And before you argue, showering is essential to your continued place in this apartment, okay?” As Evie stomped to her room she mumbled out a “Yeah fine!” and closed her door.
Ben laughed as Alex turned back to him. “What’s so funny? The girl needs to shower.”
“Oh, I agree but the fact you told her she couldn’t live here was ridiculous because if she calls you on it you can’t do shit with follow through.”
“Whatever. What do you know? You haven’t parented before either.” Alex hated when Ben was right.
“So, I heard all about your work stuff during dinner but what else is going on around here? Got any new dating prospects? Since you’ll be having that all important twenty-seventh birthday in a couple of weeks you better get on with finding someone before you’re too old for all the pretty boys out there.”
Ben had been getting rather pushy lately on the dating front. Texting Alex almost every day, talking about the guys that he thought Alex should go out with that he knew, or badgering him about getting laid.
Because of course, in his crazy friend’s opinion, it was time. His reason? Because Evie was going to school full time and doing much better. Yeah, her panic attacks—that used to cripple her—were far and few between now but to Alex that didn’t mean he should be jumping head first into the world of dating and hookups. But to Ben that was exactly what it meant. No, thank you.
Alex was no stranger to dry spells, he’d had one that lasted years. He didn’t regret it, because the sacrifice had all been for Evie. And he would do it again in a heartbeat. But of course, Ben thought he would be able to change Alex’s mind, get him to go out with any guy that crossed his path.
Why couldn’t he understand that Alex had no time and no need for that? His life was good, just as it was. Alex wouldn’t risk opening up like that again just to lose someone else in his life. He’d lost enough.
Alex shook the thoughts from his head not wanting or needing to think about the past.
“You sound like Evie, but worse. We’ve been over this, Ben. Can you just let it go? Twenty-seven is not old. And the pretty boys or whoever will still be there when and if I decide to start dating. I’ll have you know not everyone wants the complete family with marriage and all that. Sex would be good but all that dating shit isn’t for me.”
Alex saw Ben’s face and knew he didn’t like the idea of him not finding someone to spend time with. But Alex was his own person and could decide for himself what he wanted out of life.
Evie may have been better but she still needed Alex to be there when she called, not off playing around in some lovey-dovey mush fest with some guy that claimed to love him. Plus—and that was a big plus—his ex had walked out on him because life with his sister was too hard for Ryan. Alex loved him so much so he was still surprised after all that time that he survived the beating his heart took that night three years earlier. Alex had so much to deal with at the time between work picking up, needing the income to support all of them, and Evie’s mental health issues, his plate had been full.
That was the last time he would ever allow for someone to own his heart so completely that Alex had felt empty and hollow for so long. Eventually that feeling went away. Or maybe he just got used to it. Didn’t matter. He was done with that shit. Evie relied on him and only him, no way did Alex want to rely on someone else to make him happy and healthy. Because he was happy damnit.
“I’m not even going to try to argue with you again, but that doesn’t mean I won’t sometime in the future.” Ben stopped, Alex could tell he had more to say but he looked nervous. “But I do have a favor to ask.”
Oh, how Alex hated when Ben said things like that. His favors were never fun for Alex because they usually involved people and Alex did not do people very well. That was why the bulk of his business was done online and why Ben and Evie were the only people he was close to.
“Oh boy. What is this about? What favor do you need now?”
Still Ben didn’t speak.
“Get on with it already!” He knew he was being impatient but patience wasn’t his strong suit.
“Well, I haven’t said anything up until this point because I wanted to make sure it was what I thought it was. And knowing you and your pessimistic attitude, on well everything, I decided to wait. But it’s time now so you are going to have to put on your big boy pants and go out to dinner with me…”
“Wait! That’s it? Go out to dinner with you? We just had dinner and I’ve gone out to dinner with you plenty of times before.” The look on Ben’s face stopped him and Alex had a horrible thought. “Oh no! You aren’t trying to set me up on a blind date, are you?!”
“Alex. If you let me finish, jackass, you would have heard me say going out to dinner with me and a woman I’ve been dating. Her name is Kinsley. It’s serious enough that we’ve finally decided to be exclusive and that we wanted to meet each other’s friends.”
Oh, well now he felt like a jackass. Ugh, but going out to meet his best friend’s new girlfriend was just as much fun as trying to teach coding to a room full of dogs. But what could he do? It was his best friend and Alex knew that it wasn’t something he could say no to.
“Okay, for you I’ll do it, but don’t expect me to be…well not me. I love you but that isn’t going to happen.”
“As long as you aren’t a complete dick and at least try then I won’t complain. I’ll even warn her that you aren’t especially warm to most people. That way she’ll be prepared. Just be the you I see, okay?”
Alex nodded his head in acknowledgement, not sure who that was. Alex knew Ben didn’t truly understand why he was the way he was. Yeah, in theory, Ben totally got it. But with him being outgoing and always the charmer of any group, he didn’t understand people who weren’t like that.
“Alright, Alex, I won’t push but thank you for at least agreeing to go and be human for a night. Now I should go. I still have some emails to catch up on when I get home and a bedtime to keep since as you said, we’re adults now.” Ben went to Evie’s room to say goodnight. Alex sat there thinking about how lucky he was to have Ben as a best friend for all those years, despite his tendency to be a pushy prick.
Ben came back down the hall and headed for the front door where Alex stood wai
ting to lock up once he left. “What day is this ‘meet the new girl date’ we’re doing, anyway?”
“Oh, it’s on Thursday. It’ll be just the three of us. I’ll text you Wednesday to let you know what time and which restaurant. Okay?”
“Yup that’ll be fine. I’m sure Evie should be good with going to a friend’s for the night. I’ll just mark it down on my calendar and set a reminder now so I don’t forget.”
Ben gave him a hug like always and walked out the door. Alex locked up before making his way down the short hallway to Evie’s room to let her know it was bedtime. While she got ready for bed, Alex made sure her things were ready for the next day then went to his room and checked his emails, making sure he hadn’t missed anything after the tidal wave named Evie came home from school that day.
Just as he was shutting his computer down, Alex heard Evie come out of the bathroom and throw her clothes in the hamper. Alex quickly got his own pajamas on before making his way to Evie’s’ room to say goodnight.
Some nights Evie went to bed with no fanfare, other times she needed a book and to be tucked in. Whatever she needed to make it a good night Alex was glad to give her. “You alright in there? Need anything before you jump in bed?”
“Can you just tuck me in tonight?”
“Absolutely, kid. I’d like nothing better.”
Evie made sure she had everything she needed while lying in her bed, especially her Lovey, which was a stuffed penguin that their mom had given her when Evie was born. She carried that thing everywhere with her. It was the one thing besides Alex that could calm her down when a panic attack hit, which he learned long ago and it became a sanity saver for everyone.
Alex stood patiently, waiting for the tucking in part of his job to start. Evie was finicky when it came to how her bed needed to be set up and man the kid kept a lot of stuffed animals on there with her. She was lucky to have a full-size bed or both Evie and her stuff wouldn’t all fit. Finally, Evie was done and Alex covered her up, turned her radio on low, and leaned down to give her a hug and a kiss. “Goodnight, sweet girl, see you in the morning.”
Letting Go Page 2