by Karen Gordon
She worked most nights at the restaurant, still babysat 3 days a week for the Burton’s, and spent her down time with Steve or Ben’s mom, who she now always called Sissy.
Waitressing was more fun than she thought it would be. The restaurant mostly appealed to senior citizens with a lot of regular customers. Most nights there were several who requested her station and talked to her about their families and their lives and asked about hers. Many of them recognized her locket as World War II era and wanted to know the story behind it. Like Dorothy, they understood how much she missed Ben in a way others couldn’t.
Since Two-fer (technically now Four-fer) didn’t have preschool in the summer, Carrie took him with her to the Burton’s to play with Sophie on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. She also brought him with her to Ben’s house when she went to hang out with Sissy. Her normally really quiet brother became a ham when he was in Sissy’s kitchen, eating whatever home-baked snack she had made him. He would sing the songs he had learned at preschool for her and recite his colors and alphabet.
At least once or twice a week she went over to Steve’s apartment in the afternoon to hang out, and watch TV, and eat junk food, and feel like a teenager. They never talked about MG, who moved one week after Ben left. He knew Carrie had talked to her on the phone a few times, but he didn’t seem to want any details about her life without him. They mostly laughed about stuff they did in the past or gossiped about things people they knew were doing over the summer.
Carrie helped Laura get a job waitressing at the restaurant too. She had gotten to know her better at the end of their senior year, and they had started to click as friends. Gina still wasn’t ready to put their past behind her and gave her the cold shoulder most of the time. Carrie hated being in the middle, so she was relieved when they started to at least be civil to each other when all three girls would sit in the parking lot and have a drink after work.
“I slept with Wayne senior year.” For some reason Laura wanted tonight to be true confessions night.
Gina smirked, “Did you have your purity ring on when you did it?” Laura laughed, “Probably.” She took a sip of her drink, “but I think I did stop wearing it not long after that.” She shrugged, “I don’t know, to me, it didn’t seem wrong. To me the ring was about waiting for someone really special, and I did.” Her smile was still love-struck goofy when she talked about Wayne.
“So, are you guys talking about getting married?” Gina’s tone was more curious than mocking. Laura blushed and smiled and for just a second it hurt Carrie to look at her. That had been her, love-struck, goofy happy only two months earlier.
“To be honest, he asked me last Christmas, but we knew my parents would not be happy about it then, so we are going to get officially engaged before he starts school this fall. Then we want to get married in the spring.”
Knowing that Carrie and Gina weren’t wedding-fan type girls, Laura didn’t take their lack of enthusiasm too personally. Carrie nodded her approval and said, “Cool.” Gina just nodded.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, waiting for Gina to finish her second cigarette. She blew out the last smoke and tossed the butt into the sand bucket. They were just about to stand up to leave when she said, “I slept with Michelle Wagner.”
Carrie and Laura were too dumbfounded to answer, and just stared at her saucer-eyed.
“Senior year,” she added, wanting to complete her confession.
She stuck her hands in the pockets of her apron and fiddled with the receipts, “Well … say something.”
“Good, for, you?” Carrie wasn’t sure that was the proper thing to say, but she wasn’t prepared for this scenario. Gina looked down and pushed a few cigarette butts that were on the ground around with her toe. “You never knew?” She looked up at Carrie.
Carrie shook her head then shrugged, “Not a clue.”
Gina looked at Laura who was conspicuously silent. “What about you? Are you going to tell me how God hates me?” “No,” Laura’s response was quick and sincere. She paused, trying to put her philosophy into words, “I know what Joelle said, prom night …” Gina looked at confused and glanced over at Carrie who just shrugged and shook her head as if she had no clue what Laura was talking about. “I don’t think you have to believe the same things that I do, but we can respect each other. I mean, I can accept you, if you can accept me.”
Gina nodded and even smiled a little, “Deal.” Carrie was replaying the past four years in her mind, looking for clues she might have missed, “I, just, never knew … I mean, didn’t you sleep with Steve once?”
Gina laughed, “Well, sort of. We fooled around some and just told everyone we had sex. I don’t think either of us was feeling much of anything for each other. It kind of worked out better for both of us to just lie about it.”
“Did you know then? Or when did you know?” Carrie was still trying to piece it all together.
“I guess I’ve always known. I tried batting for the other team. I had to see how it felt.”
“And Steve made you sure you were gay?” Carrie laughed, “Oh, that would be such a hit to his ego.”
Laura laughed too, “Poor Steve, we need to find him a girl to take his mind off MG.”
Carrie tossed her empty bottle of beer in the trash can, “Not yet, give him time.” Gina’s analytical mind went looking for trouble, “What about you, Carrie? You and Steve? Huh? I know you still hang out with him.”
“Nope,” she shook her head, “Just friends.”
Laura seemed to understand, “Not over Ben, huh?” Carrie just shook her head. She couldn’t imagine ever being over Ben, and wasn’t even sure if she was supposed to be. They were still in this strange limbo. He had told her to date other guys, but seriously, she just had no interest.
♥ ♪ ♥ When Ben’s basic training ended in September he didn’t get a chance to come home before he was sent to start Intelligence training in Arizona, but he did send Carrie a letter, the first one that was just for her.
She tried to read between the lines, look for clues as to how he was feeling about them, because the content was pretty dry and to the point. He said he missed her, specifically that he missed talking to her, then the rest of the letter was about people he met in basic and where he was headed next. He signed off with ‘I love you’. It was so hard for her to know if he was pushing her away or not. Except for the letter she got with Ben Bear, he had never been one to show his emotions easily and he had always been brief and to the point.
Her Christmas card from Ben had another note, this one letting her know he had finished his initial Intelligence training would be going directly to Ft. Lewis in Washington State. Sissy flew there to spend the time with him, but Carrie didn’t have the money to go along.
In January, Steve moved on, sort of. He met a girl at a New Years Eve party who was determined that she would get a date with him. She wasn’t MG, but Carrie had to admire her tenacity. She followed him around the party with mistletoe, grabbed him and laid a wet one on him at midnight, then drove his drunk ass back to her place and reacquainted him with hot sex. Her name was Amanda, and Carrie really hoped that Steve could shake off his MG hangover enough to give this girl a chance. Like her, he had been a shell of his old self since MG left. It was the pot calling the kettle black, but she really wanted some of the old, funny Steve back.
The first ice chip fell off her heart at the most unexpected time and place. Aunt Rose and Uncle Will had met an incredibly fun couple on a cruise who owned a fishing resort at the Lake of the Ozarks. The proudly-Irish Callahan’s threw a huge, wild St. Patrick’s party at their resort every year. Rose and Will flew into St. Louis to go, and talked Carrie into coming along for the ride.
Nick Callahan immediately caught her eye. He was tall, with thick dark brown hair and light hazel eyes that drew her in. He also had the easy smile of someone who is used to having a good time, all the time. But Carrie still had her guard up, so she avoided getting too close. The party was all ove
r the resort so it shouldn’t have been difficult to do, but damn if she wasn’t just drawn to being near him and watching him. After her third green beer she found herself, huddled in a corner, getting to know the heir apparent to Callahan’s Fish Camp.
He was a smart ass, and a clown, and he made her laugh, more than she had in months. She let herself be drawn in during the party but figured someone as handsome and funny as he had to have a string of girls after him. She didn’t want to join the line. He kissed her that night, and she enjoyed it more than she hoped she would. He also told her all the other things he would like to do with her, but he said he was holding back, because he liked her. Yeah, right. It was bullshit, but fun to hear.
It really shocked her when he called a week later to say he was coming to St. Louis to visit friends, and asked her to go to a party with him. She was more than a little impressed that he took the time to track down her number, which she had refused to give him the night she met him.
He was just as funny, but more impressive when he was alone, away from a crowd. The party with his friends was fun, but Carrie had more fun when he came by the next day to take her out for a late breakfast before he drove home to the lake. She took him to the restaurant where she worked. She figured she would let some of the day-shift waitresses she knew grill him and see how he held up. He charmed the hell out of them, and the customers who knew her, and Carrie. He was like some Irish politician, chatting away with the regulars, telling jokes, remembering everyone’s name when they left. A few more ice chips fell away, and she agreed to come visit him at the lake in two weeks.
That afternoon she was helping Sissy pick out new drapes for her living room. She wasn’t sure what to say, but she felt the need to tell her that she had gone on a date.
“Do you think Ben has dated anyone else?” she went with a round-about approach. “No, I don’t think he’s really had any opportunity.” Sissy looked up from the sample book at Carrie’s worried face. She guessed, and she guessed correctly. “Are you dating someone?”
Her voice was kind, not judgmental, but Carrie still stammered, “I, well, I had a date.”
Sissy smiled and Carrie wasn’t sure how to take it. Did this mean she was relieved for Carrie or for Ben.
“It’s OK. He told me he asked you to date others. And, I think it will be good for both of you. You’re both still so young.” Carrie wanted to hug her for her approval. She also knew Sissy would write and tell Ben, so she didn’t have to. That would just be too awkward of a letter.
Her first full weekend at Callahan’s Fish Camp made Nick even harder to resist. His parents, who she had only met briefly at the St. Pat’s party, were fantastic. They welcomed her with open arms, literally. They were a hugging, kissing, drinking, singing, dancing, fun family.
They put her up in her own cabin, and she wondered if Nick would see that as a chance to sleep with her. But he was true to his word. He continued to tell her how much he wanted to sleep with her, but that he was holding back, because he knew she was special, and he didn’t want to screw things up. They stayed up late, sitting on the deck of her little cabin, talking about their high schools (he graduated two years before her) and their friends and family. She didn’t go into great detail, but Carrie also didn’t gloss over life at her parent’s house. He might as well know the truth in case he ever met them. She talked about Gina and Laura and Steve, her life now, but talking about MG or Ben was still too raw. God forbid her tear floodgates open and drown this poor guy on their first weekend together.
She drove home Sunday afternoon, and there was a message that Nick had called her already. She called him, and he invited her to come back to the lake next weekend for the Callahan Easter Eggstravaganza. It looked like anything was an excuse for the Callahan’s to throw a party, and Carrie was happy to be along for the ride.
Chapter 28
Everyone loved Nick Callahan; her friends, her coworkers, her customers, Christopher, and even her parents. Nick couldn’t understand why Carrie resisted introducing him to her parents, so rather than go into a huge explanation, she had them briefly meet when he came to pick her up. He was polite, dressed extra nicely, complimented her mom on her beautiful house and even talked a little fishing with her dad. Not that Earl ever fished, but this seemed to impress him. He was a shoe-in.
Dating Nick was pure fun. Between the times that he came to St. Louis to visit friends and see Carrie, and all the Callahan events she attended at the Lake, they were constantly doing something, going somewhere, partying with friends and family. They rarely spent time just talking or hanging out together. At the lake they started to share a cabin. The first time he spent the night with her they only slept, or passed out, to be more accurate. The second time, they had sex; drunk, silly, sloppy sex. It was fun, but definitely not caring or romantic. Their whole relationship was that way, just fun, exactly what Carrie needed.
And his parents were a big part of their world too. They loved Carrie, and went out of their way to make her part of their lives. His mom, Maureen, ran the show at the resort. Nick and his dad, Jack, did whatever she said, and everything ran smoothly. Maureen could probably juggle plates, while simultaneously making food for 50 people, and keep you laughing, telling bawdy jokes. She was a genius multi-tasker with a loud, loving personality. When she drank she was even funnier, she flirted with and charmed everyone. Carrie never once saw her angry. Even her hangovers were funny. Jack was the quieter of the two, but he could play a room too. He was much shorter than Nick but had his same dark-brown, thick hair and sparkling hazel eyes.
It was Maureen who found an inexpensive used car for Carrie to buy. It was kind of sad to not drive the jeep anymore, but Carrie had put a lot of miles on it, and it did seem wrong to drive it to see her new boyfriend. Her new (used) Honda Civic was much smaller, but easier to drive, and got better gas mileage.
Summer at the resort was their high season and extremely busy. They had a regular clientele of both fishermen and families. Maureen would say she didn’t need to help, but Carrie felt strange just sitting around when everyone else had jobs to do, so she became Maureen’s assistant; answering phones, planning events, managing staff, etc. The two of them just clicked.
In September Carrie started having strong cramps when she shouldn’t and pain in her lower gut. The gynecologist at the free clinic she used said she had cysts, and she should try switching to a different form of birth control for a while. She had been on the pill since she was 15, and Chuck had taken her for her first appointment at the clinic. Maybe her body needed a rest. They switched her to a diaphragm, and reminded her to have her boyfriend use a condom too. And that was the plan, until a night of drunken sex where neither of them remembered ‘til the next morning. Carrie panicked for a day or two, then figured she was being silly. Who gets pregnant the first time they have unprotected sex?
The answer: Carrie Gould. Maureen figured it out, even before Carrie did. First there was the exhaustion, which Carrie wrote off to too many late nights of partying. Then her appetite changed. Maureen noticed Carrie turning her nose up at the smell of fried chicken and fried fish. Her final clue was the day that Carrie was wearing a tee shirt with no bra, and her nipples kept showing through, like she was freezing, even though the room was really hot.
Instead of being mad, Maureen was excited. She had a horrible time getting and staying pregnant with Nick; which explained why he was an only child in an Irish Catholic family. With only one child, she feared she would never be a grandma. Carrie was her chance. She bought a pregnancy test at the local market and had Carrie use it on Saturday, November 4th. That was the exact day that it felt like the earth fell out from under Carrie’s feet, and two little pink lines appeared on the stick.
Maureen cheered, Nick turned white, Jack poured himself a shot of whiskey and Carrie cried. This wasn‘t supposed to happen. She was having fun with Nick, waiting for Ben. What would she tell her parents, her friends, Sissy, … Ben? Oh, god, talk about a horrible dear-john le
tter. Her heart clenched in her chest, and she felt like she was going to be sick. She excused herself to go to her cabin, saying that she needed some rest. Not that she could rest. She alternated between pacing, crying, and trying to figure a way out.
She ruled out an abortion pretty quickly. She couldn’t do it, and it would kill Maureen too. Although she now understood the utter panic that could drive someone to have one. Adoption? Maureen and Jack might want to raise her baby . . .wait, her baby. As in this child, that she couldn’t even feel yet, would be hers for the rest of her life. She clung to the pillow and cried at the idea of being away from her baby. She couldn’t reject him or her. That felt too much like her parents rejection. Then there was Nick. Oh, god, she hadn’t even thought of Nick. He was sitting in a chair looking sick the last time she saw him. Did he want children?
Later, Nick brought her a tray with some dinner. There was no way she could eat, but it was great to see him, see that he would at least talk to her.
“You OK?” He set the tray down on the night stand, then stood near the door, making no move to touch her. She sat up in bed, clutching the pillow to her stomach, “Yeah, I guess.” The silence between them was heavy. Carrie thought to say she was sorry, but she stopped herself when she realized this happened because of mistakes both of them made.
He ran his hand through his hair, “I don’t know what to say.”
She shrugged, “Neither do I.”