I chuckle at my furry friend and walk over to the kitchen. My throat is dry, so I grab a glass and fill it with water, sipping on it as my mind spins.
So, why can’t I sleep?
I’m happy. Happier than I can remember being in a long time. It’s not that I’ve been wallowing in misery or anything. Razor and Gunnar are great company. Still, there’s something about having a woman around. A beautiful woman who I can’t stop stealing glances at. A smart woman who makes me hang off her every word. A funny woman who makes me bust a gut laughing. A sexy woman who helps me fulfill fantasies I never even knew I had.
My lips creep up into a soft smile as I let my mind play out that sex. The way she looked, straddling Razor’s face while she sucked my cock. Her cheeks hollowed out while every inch of my shaft thrust in past her lips. Fuck. She’s amazing. And the way she took both of us, it all just felt so natural. So sexy.
Then what’s the problem? I should be happy, satisfied and content. But instead, I’m worried. I sift through the scattered thoughts like a child pretending to pan for gold in their backyard sandbox, trying to find the one that’s eating at me. I guess the thing that’s got me twisted up is…
“I’m afraid I’m gonna fall for her,” I whisper the confession to the silent cabin.
The spike of nerves in my gut tell me that’s exactly what’s going on here.
This storm is still raging outside, but it won’t last forever. At some point, this all ends. Caitlin leaves us behind and we get stuck with the aftermath. The void she leaves behind won’t just make the house feel emptier, I’m afraid it might leave a loneliness in my heart that I’ll never be able to shake.
There’s only one solution really. I’ve got to make sure I don’t fall for her. I can’t let myself open my heart to someone who has no plans to stay in my life. Just play it cool and enjoy the time we all have together. Easy peasy.
So why doesn’t it sit right with me?
I push it away. No more worrying about feelings and hearts. Enough! I finish my water and head back into Razor’s room, moving the pillow back and easing into the bed beside Caitlin. Instantly the tension inside starts to melt away.
Enjoy it while it lasts. That’s the plan. I can’t control the future, but I can control right now. And right now, I’m gonna soak up what’s left of this time together.
I finally get my mind to slow down and my thoughts to stop spinning. Instead, I focus on how we’re going to make the most of whatever amount of time Caitlin will be in our lives. I slide back against the pillow and smile as she snuggles into my chest, letting myself finally fall asleep.
16
Caitlin
Gunnar bolts up ahead of us as we try to make a path on the two feet of snow that’s windswept into little mountains and valleys out in the field where my plane crashed. The big black dog is pulling the sled, but he’s not traveling in a straight line, so the packed down snow that he’s leaving behind him is a weaving, random path. Ace marches ahead, and Razor trudges slower, keeping an eye on me and stopping occasionally to check up on me when I start falling too far behind.
I feel like I’m walking over a decadent dessert I once ate at a fancy restaurant in Anchorage. A crème brûlée, it was called. My boots crack through the icy top layer of snow, crisp and frozen shards splinter around my feet just like how I had to break my spoon through the caramelized sugar on the fancy pudding. And then I sink into the soft, fluffy clouds of snow hiding underneath, reminding me of the velvety, smooth custard I gobbled up that night.
Everything is so painfully white. With the break in the weather, today is the first day since the day I flew out last week where the sun has actually shone down. Every surface is sparkling bright, like a spotlight shining in a cave of diamonds, it’s almost blinding.
I remember how my grandmother once showed me how her elders had prevented going snow-blind back before they lived in the wood houses she died in. The little goggles carved from caribou antler had a long horizontal slit over each eye. I remember scoffing when I first saw them. I was starting to only want to wear things that were “cool” and those goggles definitely didn’t fit the bill. She insisted that I try on a pair and I reluctantly agreed. I got to see for myself how much they cut down the glare of the endless sea of snow, but also how much better it made my eyesight. I could easily understand why they were popular with the old hunters.
I scan the horizon, wishing I had a pair of those painfully unfashionable glasses right now. Instead, I have to squint to protect my eyes from this glinting light. My gaze is lost in the monotone whiteout but then a spot of color drags my eye over and, even though I know better than to run in these conditions, I sprint over the land to the first signs of Qilaq’s wreckage.
Huffing and puffing, the cold squeezes my lungs as I sink to my knees and sweep my hands over the plane wing. That’s it all right, as I dig it out, I can see where it was torn clean off the side of my little Cessna. I can’t help but stare at it, in shock, like how someone just stares down at a limb that got torn free from a body at a car accident.
“There’s nothing I love more than taking my girls out for a flight.” Dad gave my cheek a pinch and then ran his hand over Qilaq’s yoke.
I remember how the buttons and gears were still an overwhelming sight then. I couldn’t imagine ever understanding how to fly her. It always amazed me that something so small could be so complicated.
“Do you think you’re ready to be my co-pilot, Cait?” He smiled over at me, his dark eyes twinkling. My father carried a lot of his mother’s traits in his face. I have his same round cheeks, but I got my mother’s lighter eyes. However, I have the same dark, shiny hair that came from my Inuit ancestry. The same as my father and his mother before him.
“Co-pilot?” I was nervous. At seven, I wasn’t ready to take on such a huge responsibility. Of course, Dad never told me that what he really meant by “co-pilot” was just to sit up front with him and watch him work.
“Yep,” he beamed proudly at me, “I know you can do it, you just pay attention and treat Qilaq right and she’ll behave for us. She’s just like every other child, she needs some love, some attention and some encouragement and she can soar higher than you ever dreamed. Just like you, little one.” He gently bopped me on the nose with his finger and I grinned.
“Okay,” I swelled up with confidence, “I’m ready.”
Tears line my eyes, making everything blurry as I stand up and look out at the rest of the wreckage. Qilaq’s tail and wings are sheared off. The metal is twisted and mangled from where it hit the ground. I slowly walk over to the cockpit that the guys pulled me free from. The one that my sister managed to keep me safe in, even as she died around me. Fat tears slide over my cheeks and instantly feel icy against my skin.
“Hey, do you want us to try to recover anything?” Ace walks up behind me and I can’t talk. I know if I do, my voice will give way to a flood of tears. I just shake my head no. It’s easy to see that nothing can be salvaged that they didn’t already grab. It’s absolutely amazing that they were able to get me out of this with all of my limbs and organs intact.
“You okay?” Razor joins us and immediately zeros in on my tears.
“I will be.” I sniff.
The three of us stand in silence. The cold wind whipping over Qilaq’s grave and sending tiny twisting cyclones of snow over the open space. I close my eyes and bow my head, saying a silent goodbye to the only link I had left to my family. To the people who cared about me most in this world. I know they’ve been gone for a while now, but now that Qilaq is destroyed, it somehow makes their deaths more final. It makes me feel more alone.
It’s like the guys can read my thoughts because Ace wraps his arm around my lower back and Razor slides his hand over my shoulder. They press into me, reassuring me with their strength. Just with their presence.
It’s strange how, only a couple days ago, we shared our first experience together. Now, after I don’t even know how many more times of bei
ng shared by them, I’m starting to find it hard to imagine not having both of them there. What started out as a novelty, wanting to be claimed by two men, now feels like the only normal way to live. The way both of them comfort me, cuddle me, the way we joke with each other and the way we fuck, it’s all beginning to feel deeper and more meaningful than any relationship I’ve ever had with just one guy before. Especially with my ex-husband.
“You guys were right, there’s nothing left.” I choke on the realization. “We should head back.” I turn and try to keep my head held high as I march away. Always gotta be that tough girl. Don’t let them see you cry.
I’m not sure who grabs my arm first, but before I know it, they’ve pulled me back between them and I’m completely blanketed by their warm, strong embrace.
“Don’t do that,” Ace softly chides me.
“Yeah, you’re allowed to feel sad, Caitlin,” Razor agrees.
I don’t know if it’s the way I feel so safe in their arms, or the caring timbre of their voices, or just the emotional toll seeing Qilaq torn up has had on me, but I break down. I can’t contain my sobs as my shoulders jerk between them. I fall against them and they hold me up, not rushing me, just protecting me from the wind, from the wreckage, from the pain. They hold me until I can’t cry anymore, until my last tear slides over my face and dries against my skin.
“Thank you,” I whisper, my voice hoarse.
“No need to thank us.” Ace wipes his gloved thumb over my face and Razor nods in agreement.
I look up at them, these two guys that make me feel like there’s nothing in this world they wouldn’t do for me, and my gut twists up inside. My brows furrow together and I pull free from their embrace. “Okay, seriously this time, let’s go.” I move with purpose back toward the cabin.
I could see the confusion pass over their faces, the questions in their gray and blue eyes, but they don’t say anything out loud. Because it’s a conversation none of us wants to have. The one about how the storm has ended and, once real emergencies have been dealt with, a plane will come out here and pick me up. How I’ll fly away and never see them again. How this arrangement between us, the one that feels like perfection, is almost over.
17
Caitlin
We barely have the snow kicked off our boots and the front door opened when the distinct sound of the radio cracking makes Ace rush inside.
“I repeat, this is Alpha-seven-two-niner…”
My shoulders tense up as I shrug out of my winter coat, I’d know that voice anywhere and, unfortunately, I still recognize that call sign. I sigh with a combination of irritation and disgust and stomp over to the table.
“Don’t bother,” I hold up my hand to Ace, “it’s Bill. My ex-husband.”
I flop down in the chair and pick up the receiver.
“Yeah, Bill, it’s Caitlin.” I cut the call sign crap and get to it. “Whaddya want?”
Psscht! Crackle!
“Seriously? That’s how you greet me? I’ll have you know I’ve been trying to get you on here for over an hour now. You think you’d be grateful.” His snippy, nasally voice whines over the system.
Oh, I’m grateful all right. Grateful as fuck that I’m not married to him anymore.
“I’m over brimming with gratitude, Bill. Now what do you want?”
The radio goes on the fritz for a second and part of his message is cut off. Suddenly it comes back in tune and he’s getting worked up.
“…and as soon as I heard, I got on here to see if you’re okay. You know, I was gonna offer to fly out there and get you, but now you can forget it.” He sniffs.
“Well, Bill, don’t start doing me any favors now. I already know Jenn left your ass,” I toss the gossip I heard about him and the woman he cheated on me with, a woman who was supposed to be my friend, back in his face. “I know exactly how your little mind works, and I’m not interested in the kind of charity that comes with strings. I’ll get out of here just fine on my own, thanks,” I snap.
He doesn’t answer me, he probably knows that everyone with a receiver can hear our little exchange and he’s cringing at the judgment. Bill always was a sneaky fucker. He doesn’t mind committing the crime, but he hates the toll it takes on his reputation. In my opinion, if you don’t want people knowing you’re a scumbag cheater, don’t stick your dick in people who aren’t your wife.
Ex-wife now. At least I had the good sense to leave his ass.
The radio is static and I drop the receiver on the table with a clatter. I figure Bill dropped the call, but then I hear, “Bitch! Over and out!”
I shove the chair back across the plank floors and slam it back underneath the desk. How is it he still knows exactly how to get to me. I divorced his cheating ass over a year ago, but he still knows how to get his hooks dug in and twist them under my skin.
“Fucking asshole!” I pace back and forth over the worn throw rug.
“Good friend of yours?” Ace’s eyes twinkle as he teases me, but one glance at my contorted, angry face shuts him down.
“Yeah, my best fucking buddy,” I bite the words off.
“Was that the ex?” Razor watches me closely.
“Yep, wasn’t I the lucky one in that relationship?”
The guys don’t try to stop me from pacing. There’s no big group hug to try to calm me down. They just give me my space.
“Bill wants to be such a fucking hero now, doesn’t he. He must think I’m a special kind of stupid. He wanted to fly here and pick me up, but you know what?” Razor and Ace don’t say a word. They just let me vent my frustrations, listening.
“That fucker got caught cheating with my neighbor because he was too busy fucking her to pick me up from the doctor’s office. Like, he couldn’t keep it in his pants long enough for me to get an annual check-up done. So, I cab it home and what do I find? Mr. Knight in Shining Armor banging my friend like a screen door in a windstorm. In my fucking bed.” My voice trembles with the last words. Not because I’m going to cry. But because, if Bill was here right now, he’d probably be in danger for his life.
“He sounds like a fucking tool,” Ace cuts in.
“Yeah, if he didn’t see what he had when he had it, then that’s his loss, Caitlin,” Razor agrees.
Even Gunnar looks like he’s agreeing with the guys, he pads across the floor and scoots his head under my hand, looking for some love.
“Yeah, well, thanks.” I force myself to give a smile, even though I’m far from calmed down. “You know, that’s why I don’t do the whole relationship thing anymore. From now on, this is the kind of thing I’ll be doing.” I wave at us. “No strings, no expectations, no broken hearts. Just fun while we can have it.”
“So, you’re flying out soon?” Razor’s lips tug down in the corners.
Ace doesn’t say a word, he just stares at me, his eyes the color of steel.
“Yeah, I’ll be gone as soon as they can come get me. Or if they won’t fly me out, I’ll give you guys some gas money to take me back once they’ve got the roads cleared off enough.” I sigh and suddenly feel very tired. “It’s for the best, right?”
I can see the hurt dash over Razor’s face, but with Ace, I can’t tell what he’s thinking. As soon as the words come out of my mouth, I wish I could eat them. I wish there was just about any way to take them back, but like most things, you can’t undo what’s been done.
“I’m gonna lie down.” My anger deflates inside and I feel like I need to collapse. The guys don’t try to stop me or say anything as I make my way into the bedroom and softly close the door behind me. I throw myself across the bed and suddenly I can’t stop the tears from flowing. It’s like all the emotions are suddenly gushing out of me. The pain of my loss, my loneliness, my betrayal, all of it is being soaked up by the pillowcase as I try not to sob.
18
Ace
“That went well.” I give a dry, forced laugh but Razor doesn’t respond. It’s easy to see he’s upset, he’s worn his emot
ions on his sleeve since he was a kid, and he’s still like that now.
“Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna go chop some wood.” He avoids my eyes and gets his snow gear back on.
I can tell he wants to be alone. The truth is, I need some time to sort through this stuff too. I walk down to my room and dive onto my bed, rolling onto my back I stare at the ceiling for answers to questions I haven’t even fully worked out yet.
Why am I pissed off? Did I think she was going to just abandon her life and live out here with us?
Rationally, no. But, I guess I couldn’t shut down the fantasy. The tiny thread of hope that somehow the three of us could make this a long-term arrangement.
I want to be happy for the time we all have left together. After storms like this, planes and helicopters don’t head out to pick up stranded people if they’re in safe situations first. They have a backlist of higher priority people to look after. The sick, the injured, those who are exposed to the elements. It means Caitlin will be here for at least a few more days. Shouldn’t I stop sulking and enjoy whatever moments we have left?
A soft knock at my door draws my attention. “Yeah?”
Caitlin opens it, hanging onto the knob, she looks at me with uncertainty swirling in her eyes. “Where’s Razor?”
“He needed some time to himself, he’s out chopping wood.”
She bites her lip and her eyebrows knit together. She won’t look me straight in the eyes, she keeps staring at the blanket on my bed, like she’s transfixed by it. “Can we talk?”
“Sure, come in.” I sit up and swing my legs over the side of the bed, waiting for her to sit next to me. “What’s up?” I look down at my hands, distracting myself with the way I’m rubbing my fingers together. I don’t want her to see any emotions on my face. I don’t want her to know that it shreds me inside to think of her leaving. If that’s her decision, it’s hers to make. I won’t try to stop her.
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