by Poppy Rhys
They’d shared a little bit about each other after they could finally communicate, but there was so much more she wanted to know about him. So much more she wanted to share with him.
Willa was sure he’d seen plenty of places with his last keepers, but did he actually get a chance to enjoy them? He was there to work, to guard, not marvel in the wonders of the universe.
There was this strange urge to show him Dor Nye’s capital, the soaring, pale gold buildings, and the famed gardens. How would he react if he saw the neon blue seas of planet Bocern? What would he think of Atomin, the planet sized space station of the Ato people suspended above three water moons where she’d spent half of her life?
She’d never have a chance to find out if he decided to leave.
It wasn’t just about the sex, even if it was some of the best sex of her life. Sex had never caused any of the feelings she’d experienced lately. She couldn’t deny the lust she felt, or the tingling of her skin whenever Kyran simply looked at her.
That couldn’t be normal.
Maybe all along, she’d simply been searching for someone who gazed at her like she hung the stars and the moon. Like she was the only person in the universe who truly mattered.
Her fingers rubbed along her lips.
He touched her with care, and caution, like she was something special to be cherished. No one had ever laid hands upon her in that way before Kyran.
Willa’s eyes glued to the laser that cut a small incision on the back of Kyran’s neck. Delicate movements made by Jonah’s capable hands had her heart racing, praying nothing went wrong.
The minutes ticked by, and each one felt like an agonizing year, until finally, a long pair of thin tongs held up a round chip no bigger than the size of her pinky nail. Once it was placed in a dish, Jonah met her gaze, and gave two thumbs up.
A breath she didn’t realize she was holding escaped in a gust.
Collapsing in one of the chairs, she realized something then.
Willa wanted Kyran.
That was why she wanted him to stay, plain and simple. It couldn’t be over before it even began. If it meant never seeing that necklace again, or exploring the future with Kyran, she would pick him.
I choose Kyran.
****
Hours later, Willa stood over Kyran’s sleeping form. Her eyes roved over his features. He was so strange, yet, familiar. A finger trailed the edge of his tall, pointed ear and a small smile pulled at her mouth when it twitched on its own.
His strange freckles seemed to glow in the dim light of the bay, making him appear even more alien. If she really thought about it, Willa didn’t think she’d ever imagined herself with anyone in particular. She’d never fantasized about the guy she’d someday partner, because she never imagined she would need anyone, want anyone, in that way.
All she needed was Tosh, Pearly, and her freedom.
While she still needed those things, she found herself wanting more. Kyran.
There were plenty of interspecies pairs she’d run across in her time on the job, but she never thought she’d be one of them. Obviously, they were compatible sexually, but what about everything else?
Kyran was like a newborn, stumbling around. It was endearing and scary at the same time. It excited her to think she might get to witness his reactions to all the things she wanted to show him, all the new experiences he could have.
What would her family think of him? They’d probably be more surprised that she was dating someone at all, never mind that he was a different species.
If he’ll even date me, that is.
Willa reminded herself that she had yet to actually ask him. He had to be attracted to her a little bit at least, right? He certainly had no trouble getting it up when they got handsy with each other.
A person couldn’t fake attraction, could they? Willa hoped not, anyway.
He stirred, pulling her attention.
His thick, black eyelashes twitched against his skin, and then those candy red eyelids were opening, revealing the strange, yet gorgeous, solid turquoise orbs.
“Hey,” she smiled, resting a hand on his arm. “How’re you feeling?”
“Heavy.” He smacked his lips together and Willa snorted.
“The power of drugs,” she whispered.
A solid moment of silence passed between them and her smile eventually began to fade. There was so much she wanted to say, to ask, but one thing had to be said first.
“I’m sorry, Kyran.”
His forehead pinched, and his head cocked against the pillow, ears twitching.
“For dragging you into this mess with me,” she propped herself on the side of his bed, facing him. “For treating you less than human.”
“Not human.”
“It’s just a figure of speech,” she pursed her lips, trying not to grin. “I just meant, I’m sorry for not treating you like my equal. It was wrong of me to go to Shad El’s looking to buy a pack.”
He stared up at her for a long stretch, and then his large hand lifted. It was pleasantly heavy, warm, comforting when he placed it on the side of her face. The tips of his onyx claws gently scratched at her scalp and his thumb brushed over her cheekbone.
Willa’s heart galloped away in her chest. She cupped the back of his hand, tilting her face into his palm. That small gesture soothed her so immensely, she just wanted to revel in it a little longer.
His voice gravelly, low, and sincere as he said in English, “Not sorry.”
Beat-beat. Beat-beat. Beat-beat.
“Never meet Willa, otherwise.”
Heart beating like an antsy beast, lump in her throat like she’d swallowed a fist whole and a burst of fluttering in her stomach assaulted her at once.
That sensation of floating, yet wanting to throw up, and cry tossed her emotions all over the place. Not the pretty cry either. The bawl-your-eyes-out, snort-and-snot type of cry. The ugly kind.
“Leak again,” he said softly, brushing his thumb.
“I’m sorry,” she croaked, closing her eyes and holding that warm, comforting hand to her face like a drowning woman. “I’m being such a girl right now.”
It was like a floodgate opened, and all the emotions she’d never experienced her entire life poured into her body like an empty glass being filled to the brim.
What was wrong with her?
It was as if she’d never felt anything, any emotion, in her life until that moment. It was new, raw, awful, and amazing all at once. Her heart broke and healed over and over as she imagined all the awful things Kyran may have seen, or experienced, and that she had been no different than all those other keepers.
Yet, there he was, happy she’d walked into Shad El’s, because he got a chance to meet her. Again, he looked at her like she hung the moon, and stars. That look no one else had ever given her.
It made her cry even harder.
“Willa,” he crooned, his fingers encasing her arms, pulling her to his naked chest. She buried her face against him, taking comfort in his embrace.
“I’m sorry,” she said over and over again, like it would erase all the wrongs, all the guilt that welled inside of her. Guilt she didn’t even realize was there.
Suddenly, she realized deep down, it would be wrong of her to ask him to stay. If there was one thing she could do for him, she could let him go. Let him live his life.
Another pang split her chest and a new wave of ugly sobs shook her frame, and she was thankful they were in a private part of the bay, away from the rest.
Kyran rubbed her back, held her tightly, and made low, soothing sounds in his throat until her sobs lightened into silence. Body exhausted, she laid there, sleep calling her under.
Lingering thoughts in her mind circled.
She loved him.
She finally understood. It was the best, and worst thing she’d ever felt and all she wanted to do was revel in it like a ro’catta napping in a ray of sunlight, but she couldn’t.
Willa had to let Kyran go
.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Kyran roamed the ship, exploring it, and enjoying the fact that he could do whatever he wanted now. At first, it had been the strangest thing in his life, the idea of governing himself, but after many days had passed, he couldn’t imagine going back to anything less.
He was learning about his new job during the day. Willa had made good on her words, and found them all jobs on the ship. Nohr took to it quickly, wearing the clean black trousers, and tunic all security personnel were required to wear. He was the strongest of the pack, so his strength was invaluable to the humans.
Sem was most interested in the technical side of security, often in the room where Willa had assaulted the male named Clint a while back. He had the keen mind for it, and he spoke of it often when they shared meals together. Not that Kyran understood any of it, but he was glad Sem was happy.
They’d been given their own apartment, and roomed together like other members of the crew. Like equals.
Every day, it was becoming easier to effectively communicate with others. The translators were getting better, the more he spoke. The better they got, the more he enjoyed conversation, and learning about others, and practicing his English speech.
At first, the crew had been wary of them, and he really couldn’t find fault in that, considering every interaction before was negative. The time he choked that man who bumped into Willa, the growling if someone got too close, the time he’d punched Willa’s brother.
He hadn’t done much to make them think he was a friendly person.
Kyran had taken a job in security, like his pack brothers, but he was most interested in personal security. After many questions, he realized that would be the best job to get close to Willa.
A small group of individuals of the security team were specifically trained to guard the body of another person, usually important crew members such as the captain, the first mate, and the ship owners, Tosh, and Willa.
He was sure it was the only way he could be by her side more often. As it was, he’d barely seen her since the operation.
It still confused him why she kept apologizing for something that brought them together. There was nothing to forgive, in his mind. If she was never at the market, he wouldn’t be free now, he wouldn’t know her.
It hurt him deep in his chest to think of never meeting Willa, and the sounds of her cries hurt even more. Even now, those heart wrenching sobs haunted his memory. She sounded wounded, as if something was being pried from within her.
Never had he heard another cry with such sadness. It pulled at every fiber in his being, just thinking of it.
He didn’t like knowing Willa hurt.
He liked it even less not seeing her every day. After the operation, they’d barely crossed paths. It worried him. Did she think he was ignoring her? He was only trying to learn the job as quickly as he could, so he might find himself beside her more often.
Kyran would fight for her. He promised, and he intended to keep that promise. She knew that, didn’t she?
Maybe that was why, a few nights ago, she didn’t answer her door when he went to visit. He knocked, but she never answered.
Kyran knew she was there. Could hear her on the other side, leaning against the door. Could feel her presence. Didn’t she know that?
Yet, she hadn’t said a word, and never opened the door. He finally left, confused.
Just that morning, though, he’d been in the department Sem was working, and with help, setup what they called an account. It would hold the money he made for working, and every week, an amount would be deposited.
He could spend it however he liked, and the person who introduced themselves as Mandy the account manager offered a service that would help him learn how to responsibly manage his expenses.
“Is this important to humans?” he had asked Mandy.
“Oh, yes!” He noticed she had a very high pitched voice, and was easily excitable. “It’s important to everyone. It’s how you build a good future!”
That interested him very much. He wanted to build a future, like Willa mentioned when she talked about partners, and finding mates.
Deep down, he hoped it would impress her enough to consider him a worthy contender. The more he thought about the idea of partners, and mates, the more he was sure he wanted that with Willa.
He missed her voice, the way she talked to him, and her touch. He missed touching her. Missed her scent, her unabashed display of emotion. Everything she thought, and felt, he could read it in her body language, smell it on her scent, and see it on her face.
Little traces of her were all around the ship, letting him know she was still aboard, never too far. It was easy to keep his goal in mind when every day, he was reminded of her.
Once again, he found himself at her door. He didn’t want to knock again, and be rejected, so he decided to leave a gift in the quiet hallway for her.
It was the first thing he’d ever purchased in his whole life.
Standing, he gave one last look at the door, and then disappeared.
****
“Listen, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you’ve barely been present the past week.”
Willa gave up trying to act as Tosh’s attacker.
“And I mean mentally,” she went on, punching the dummy in the face as they made their way to the bench and plopped down. “What’s up with you lately?”
She didn’t know how to answer that. If she started talking about it, Willa was sure she’d never shut up. No doubt those fucking tears would show, and if she started crying again, she wasn’t sure she could ever stop.
Willa swallowed the lump already forming in her throat.
Suck it up.
She tried. Every night she tried. When she showed up to her empty apartment the day after the operation, after she’d found Kyran, and his pack brothers a place of their own, she’d broke down again. All she’d done was sit on the couch, and lay her head on one of the throw pillows.
A citrusy, earthy smell flooded her lungs. His scent. That was all it took. She lost it then, those feelings that’d been hidden all along bursting forth and ripping her apart all over again.
Part of her desperately wished she could rewind the past. She’d go back and never step a foot on Tor’s Black Fleet. Willa would go on with her life, blissfully ignorant to how much one person could ache for another. It threatened to consume her, swallow her up whole.
“I’m fine,” she finally mumbled.
But then, if she’d never stepped on Tor’s, Kyran would be back in that hellhole, or with someone who treated him like dirt, or worse. He could be dead.
The thought of his silent suffering had her vision swimming, the telltale sign of those damn tears showing up.
Willa quickly bent over, picking up her towel and bottle of water and stood, heading for the door. “I gotta go, Tosh. Sorry about practice.”
“Willa, wait-”
But she didn’t wait. She sped up, exiting the gym room as quickly as possible, and trying her best to walk as fast as she could without running.
Tosh had always been there when Willa needed her, but how did she explain how sorry she was, how guilty she felt, how badly she wanted Kyran? She was positive she’d get choked up before she uttered a word, and that felt like weakness.
Willa loathed looking like she was weak, and what made a person look more vulnerable than crying?
She took the lift to her floor, thankful that it was empty. It allowed her to breathe deep, calming breaths, even if it felt like someone throat punched her to Dor Nye and back.
I’m okay. I’ll be just fine.
That’s what she told herself all the way through the hall, until she reached her apartment.
On the floor, propped up against her door was a fuzzy, candy red, stuffed animal. She recognized it from the tiny commissary on the ship. It’d been there for ages.
Willa knew who it was from though, and she was instantly reminded of the first night they were able
to have a real conversation. She’d asked him his favorite color, surprised to hear it was green because of her eyes.
She bent down, fingers curling around the soft item, brushing back the curly fur that hung over its glass button eyes.
“I don’t think I have one,” she’d said when he asked her what her favorite color was in return.
“Red? Red like Kyran?”
There’d been hope there, thinking about it now, like he wanted her favorite color to be part of him. She hadn’t seen it then.
Willa held the silly animal against her chest, stroking its soft fuzz.
“Yeah, red,” she said aloud, alone in that hallway.
Red was her favorite color now.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Willa eyed the black dress in her closet that she’d purchased for the Wenden’s party. Only, now, she wouldn’t be attending, and she was sorely tempted to toss the thing out the space shoot.
In her mind’s eye, she thought of how Kyran had looked at her when she tried it on. His gaze devoured every inch of her. Even now, the hunger in her memory brought that fluttery feeling back, only to be smothered by the knot in her middle.
It made it hard to breathe, and Willa wondered if it would ever go away.
She slammed her closet door closed, pressing both palms against the surface and taking a deep, calming breath. It would go away. It had to.
Tightening her ponytail, she left her apartment after swiping Shu’do’s package off the counter. The tech he bargained for was inside, and she couldn’t wait to get rid of it.
Toward the end of the hall, she dropped it into the mail shoot. It’d be sent out on the next stop with all the other packages the crew accumulated. Willa had officially held up her end of the agreement, even if Shu’do’s help wasn’t necessary anymore.
She shook it off, moving forward. Today was the day she had to start making amends. First on the list was Killian. She had a lot to confess to him, including the Nin fuel, and how there was no buyer waiting for them at the Rewinn Two hub.