by Bri Izzo
“I would’ve killed whoever hurt her. Literally,” I affirm as I throw my arm over Buzz’s shoulder like I’m a big shot.
“So does this mean you’ve thought about killing yourself since then?” Samantha blurts out. And there goes my ego down to the bottom of the lake. That escalated quickly. Is that even legal to fucking ask me? Jesus.
Instantly I feel like the tiniest little ant that’s scurrying around trying to avoid giant human boots that could squash me and end my life in less than a second. “What the fuck? How can you just ask me that?” I raise my voice but only slightly since I’ve trained myself to not yell in Buzz’s presence anymore. I’ve shot forward to exaggeratedly show my disgust towards Samantha.
“It’s a valid question,” Buzz pipes up nervously.
So that’s why she wanted me to come. She thinks I’m suicidal. Great.
“I’m not going to kill myself, B. Are you really worried about that?” I question her and only her. Samantha is no longer a part of this conversation.
“Maybe a little,” she whimpers. Damn it, Buzz. How have I not seen this? She sleeps in my bed almost every night and I’ve been completely oblivious to this anxiety of hers? I guess this morning when she said it makes her nervous to think about losing me, this extremity was included. Wow.
“I could never do that to you,” I promise as I come back to hold her around her shoulder and stare into her forgiving eyes. I had no idea her anxiety was this high. Clearly I have to work on showing her I’m not going anywhere.
“Okay,” she concedes, letting out a deep breath as if to show me she’s really letting go of this idea in her head. Then, to my surprise, she scoots over closer to me so she can relax into my side. God, it feels so good to hold her like this. As long as I have her, I want to live forever.
This Saturday night is the homecoming dance, so after our fall baseball game, Alex drops me off at my house so I can shower quickly and head back to his house to pick up his sister who is upset she had to miss one of our games to get her hair done. When I enter my bedroom, I see that my mom has set out a red dress shirt with black pants and a red and silver tie from my dad’s closet.
“Mom?” I call back towards the hallway as I grab clean boxers and socks from my dresser.
A moment later she appears in my doorway with bright eyes and a smile that lets me see right through her. She’s so fucking excited Buzz and I are going to homecoming together that it’s been making her grossly happy all week.
“Yes?” she beams.
“Her dress is black and green,” I inform her. How the fuck do I know that and my mom doesn’t?
“And?” she snickers. She knows exactly what I’m thinking.
“We’ll look like a Christmas tree,” I complain.
“You don’t have to match her,” my mom tells me, beginning to look through my other dress shirts hanging up in my closet.
“Okay, just not Christmas,” I plead, hurrying into the shower to get ready. I told Buzz I will probably be late because our game took forever and she seems cool with it, but I don’t want to be flakey like that. This is the first time we’re going on a date-ish thing together. “You picked up her flower thingy too, right?” I yell back as I close the bathroom door behind me.
“Yes!” my mom answers cheerfully.
“Hey, she’s still here, right?” I ask Baylee when I walk into the Ferrari household all dressed up looking like I’m going to a wedding. It isn’t often that I wear nice clothes, so I’m not exactly in my comfort zone. I want nothing more than to wear a baseball hat, but when I walked out of my house with one on my mom swiped it off.
“She’s out back with the boys and Tiffany,” she enlightens me, her eyes perusing the length of my body. Gross. She’s thirteen.
“Back off, Little Ferrari,” I warn. Reaching for her chin, I lightly press my index finger against her skin and guide her head up instead of letting her undress my lower half with her eyes.
“What?” she stammers innocently. I watch her back away from me like she’s afraid, but her confident bluish gray eyes and quick flip of her long hair contradict that movement.
“Don’t you have someone your own age you can eye fuck?” I snap. I feel violated from the way she’s looking at me, especially since I have seen her look at Benny the exact same way multiple times. I can see that being boy crazy runs in the feminine Ferrari genes. At last, Baylee concedes gracefully by stepping out of my way, so I continue through the house into the backyard where Buzz is getting her picture taken with Tiffany.
The two of them look like models, especially standing next to my dorky brother. Tiffany’s blonde hair is tied up off her shoulders, but Buzz’s fans down into big curls on either side of her chest. Damn she looks beautiful. It’s a rare occurrence that either of these girls dress up, which is fitting since none of us guys ever do either. Buzz would rather wear a Cubs hoodie or a t-shirt with a snarky demand to the people around her.
“I like the blue,” Buzz mumbles when she steps away from Tiffany to greet me. Her fingertips graze my aqua shirt above my stomach before she grabs my tie and gives it a weak tug. She draws me closer, and my hormones go fucking crazy for her. The gesture is purely innocent despite the possibility of it looking sexual. At least I think it’s innocent. She only pulls the shy side of her out when she’s anxious around me, like when we have an audience and we’re not on a softball field. It’s fucking adorable to watch a daring and carefree girl let down her exterior walls and become vulnerable.
“I like you,” I blurt out, obviously saying the first thing that’s on my mind. My body flushes a wave of heat, but I quickly get over the embarrassment. After I laugh at myself and clear my throat, I lightly brush my fingers against a long curl that starts at the point of her eye and twirls down the side of her face to her uncovered shoulder. Then I add, “I like your hair.”
Her smirk ignites a fire in my chest, and I know tonight is going to be so much fucking fun. It isn’t going to be like other dances where the girls are so… girly. Buzz is never like that even though she definitely looks the part of high maintenance actress at the Oscars.
It seems like we’re moving in slow motion, carefully analyzing the other’s moves as we ignore our surroundings filled with people watching us. Her brother and Benny are totally judging us.
“Can we get going to Chloe’s? I don’t want to be late; she’s already mad enough that you’re coming,” Buzz states and motions for Tiffany and Sam to follow us. All of a sudden we’re in fast forward mode, and I missed an opportunity to document my night with Buzz. We didn’t even get a picture because I was so late.
And now what’s-her-name is already mad enough that I’m coming? This should be fun.
29 Bianca Ferrari
“Hey, wait a sec,” Skyler commands after parking on the street in front of Chloe’s house. We’re about to show up right on time when he stops us. I figure we can have one final sweet moment before Chloe throws up all over our parade. It won’t really matter if we’re a half hour early or late; she’s still pissed Skyler is coming at all. He didn’t invite her to my small sweet sixteen birthday party, and she’s the type of girl to hold a grudge over something that stupid. She’s more friends with Tiffany than me anyways since they were both on the same softball team last spring while I was on varsity, so I don’t really care for her.
I watch Skyler reach into the backseat of his Jeep and hear the crinkling sound of a plastic to-go container. At first I think he wants to eat something before we go inside so he won’t have to eat at Chloe’s house, but then I see the green, blue, and white flowers out of the corner of my eye and lose all hopes of breathing.
“Sky,” I quietly gasp. “They’re beautiful.”
As I stick my arm out, he widens the band and slides the corsage around my wrist. “No, you’re beautiful,” Skyler tells me. “These are just flowers.”
Shit. Did he really just say that to me? I think I’m dead and somehow we both made it into heaven. He really just
called me beautiful. I can only imagine how pink my cheeks are right now.
“I thought you were just getting me through pictures and dinner,” I wonder curiously. That’s the final thing we decided on last time we talked about it, but I can’t stop sweating from feeling like it’s more than that. Much more. Hardcore swooning right now.
“Fucking bull shit, and you know it,” he states with those broody eyes and boyish smolder. He’s so obvious yet incredibly smooth; I’m in such disbelief. Breathe, Bianca. “Besides, we haven’t even taken a picture yet.”
There’s no question as to whether or not I have fallen for Skyler Swanson in the hardest, most elongated way possible, but damn I’m so glad he’s always been there to catch me.
We aren’t at the dance for ten minutes before my head wants to explode. I knew it was going to happen with the loud music, but somehow Skyler made me forget about it before we arrived. That may or may not make the music appear to be louder when I finally hear it.
“Bianca, where ya going? Are you okay?” Tiffany asks me when I fall to the back of the crowded cafeteria.
“It’s just louder than I thought it would be. I’m going to go outside for a little bit,” I grin at her to let her know I’m okay. I want to have fun and don’t want to bum her out, but in order for me to enjoy the dance I need to be further away from the speakers.
“Want me to come with you?” she offers. Although she is always a good friend, I see her counterpart, Chloe, being the devil on her shoulder, glaring at me like I asked for all of this attention.
“I’ll be fine. Just come out later if I don’t come back in,” I compromise.
Outside I sit down at one of the picnic tables and listen to the music through the door I leave open behind me. Some new pop song is playing, but I don’t particularly care for it. The dance’s playlist consists of the same shitty top twenty songs the hit radio stations play all the time and old songs of the same caliber, so I don’t feel like I’m missing out by sitting outside.
“Bianca,” I hear a male voice acknowledge me from behind. My heart jumps out of my chest and into my throat when I identify it: Chase Morgan. No other guy would approach me with this amount of guilt in his voice. He’s already making me uneasy, so I’m not looking forward to this encounter.
“I’m busy,” I snicker, refusing to turn around to see him. I have to remember he’s an asshole that hurt me no matter how attractive he appears on the outside. To be honest, I think his baseball hat gave him too many extra bumps on the scale. Even in a shirt and tie Chase is way more repulsive than I remember when I was fake dating him. Skyler is way steamier on the hotness scale - even without a baseball hat - and he treats me like his prized possession.
“With what?” Chase asks angrily. Some things never change. His moods still swing back and forth like a swing set.
“Ignoring you and enjoying my night,” I admit. Being alone is way better than having to be with him. I wish I could tell my fifteen-year-old self this last year. It would’ve saved a whole lot of heartbreak.
“Looks like you’re having a great time,” he sarcastically announces to me and the outside walls of our school that make his voice echo.
I roll my eyes before my head shakes from the vibrations of his deep voice and the music mixed together. “Please don’t yell. It literally makes me sick, and I don’t have my medicine with me,” I inform him.
Cue the guilty bullshit fest.
Chase takes it upon himself to sit down next to me on the bench, thinking it’ll somehow comfort me, and I feel the presence of his arm lingering over my shoulders but not touching me yet. And he better not.
“Please don’t,” I beg, immediately closing my eyes to try to calm my mind and stomach down. I really don’t want to throw up in my dress at homecoming or with Chase Morgan as my only immediate acquaintance.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was that big of a deal,” he confesses softly. He presses his hand against my lower back and gently brushes it across the back of my dress, which causes me to flinch at first, but it actually helps with my brief nausea. “Are you okay?”
“I’ve learned to cope with the pain and nausea, so I think I’ll be fine,” I answer.
“That’s good, but that’s not what I meant,” he mutters.
“What else could you possibly mean then?” I snicker. I’m not about to fall into the Chase trans again. Once was humiliating enough. Stay strong, Bianca.
“I mean… are you okay? Like, in general,” he clarifies. It’s usually Skyler who’s caressing me, so with my eyes closed I’m trying to imagine that it’s him and not Chase, but it’s hard because I feel gross and violated with his hand on me. What did I ever see in Chase? Yeah, he’s got nice dirty blonde hair and a perfect bad boy smile, and I know he’s got a nice set of abs underneath that dress shirt - but it’s all a facade. Behind his cardboard cutout he’s nothing but a selfish jackhole. “Bianca?”
Shit. I must’ve zoned out for a second. I can’t believe his abs distracted me without even seeing them. “I’m fine,” I tell him. He really doesn’t deserve to hear anything else I have to say, but I want to prove that he isn’t on my mind. Ever. “This summer really could’ve sucked, but Sky made it better. He was there for me every single day, no questions asked.”
“Rub it in,” Chase teases with a small laugh.
“What? It’s not like you wanted to be there for me,” I point out. I can’t believe I was ever attracted to this arrogant asshole. He’s so disgusting he has to make even this situation about him. A baseball hat and a nice tan can’t make him appealing anymore.
“I just meant we couldn’t talk for a while. You took it as ‘forever’,” he analyzes me. In reality, him telling me we couldn’t talk made me realize I should’ve never been with him in the first place.
“I don’t really need to talk to you anymore,” I divulge. I’m being a bitch, but he was an asshole first. Yes, I just used a kindergarten argument. It applies, so don’t judge me.
“B… Chase,” I hear Skyler’s calm voice behind us. I drop my head out of guilt and rest on my arms that are sprawled out on the table. If he heard one line of my conversation with Chase, Skyler will know I’m not enjoying it in the least bit. That said, I don’t want the two of them fighting over me anymore. The one punch Chase threw at Skyler after my softball game in the spring was enough. Sky doesn’t have to fight Chase for me anymore.
“I was just leaving,” Chase replies, scurrying out from the bench to go back inside.
“Oh, I’m fucking sure you were,” Skyler snaps before sitting on the other side of me. My chest instantly tingles when he looks at me and touches my covered knee. My dress goes all the way to the ground because I dislike short dresses or my legs in knee length ones. “Tiff said to give you a few minutes alone out here. I didn’t realize it was a cover up,” he says with hurt pouring out. I still think I’m dreaming that he’s my date. If me talking to Chase for a few minutes is going to ruin the night for me and Skyler, I’m going to throw enough fastballs at Chase to kill him.
“It wasn’t,” I argued. “The music was too loud, so I came out here, and he must’ve followed me. I wanted him to leave the second he started talking… look, I really don’t want to talk about him. He’s not important to me.”
“Not to me either,” Skyler agrees, chuckling at his pathetic attempt to make me laugh. “What is important to you, B?”
Not melting into a big puddle when I’m with you. He patiently awaits my answer, his eyes making me feel like we’re at a July baseball game with the heat I’m feeling. “You… and Rex and Baylee. And Tiff and Benny and my softball team,” I express my feelings for those close to me - none of which include Chase Morgan. I look down at my wrist and admire the pretty flowers from Skyler, and I want to savor this night forever. I’m sure his mom picked them out, but it doesn’t matter.
In the background I hear the cafeteria grow softer as the song changes from a rap song to a slow song. It’s faint, but I’m
pretty sure it’s an old Mariah Carey song.
I’m trying to listen for familiar lyrics, but then Skyler reaches his hand out and asks, “Will you dance with me?”
“Out here?” I stammer nervously.
“Yes,” he confirms, grabbing my hand and pulling me to stand in front of him. I swear he’s the only thing allowing me to stand upright. My insides are completely melted by him wanting to dance with me when he looks like a straight up GQ model. We're like Zach and Kelly on Saved by the Bell when he brought her to prom on the cafeteria lawn. I force myself to let out a deep breath as he holds me around my waist and presses me close to him. Eventually I’m able to make out the lyrics of the chorus, “We belong together,” and think it can’t be more fitting for our situation. So many things stand in our way: my brother, Coach McCallum, and worst of all, the risk of our friendship. “B, stop thinking,” Skyler whispers, snapping me back into reality with him. But I feel like I’m dreaming in his arms. And he totally just read my mind beautifully.
“Sor-” I begin, but his lips interrupt me by pressing against mine - my favorite kind of interruption. I grip the back of his hair as we lean further into each other. My mind is finally spinning in a good way, and I know if I get too overwhelmed that I’m safe with Skyler. For such a tough guy, Sky is such a softy when it comes to me. My God, his lips are moving agonizingly slow, trying to memorize every millimeter of mine and making sure nothing is left unkissed. It is suddenly so natural for us to feel each other’s tongues, and even that is drawn out so we can fully taste each other. I finally feel like I found my way home and it’s through Skyler. When he starts gently massaging my head underneath my long curls, I almost completely fall into him. But luckily he steadies me and slowly weans his lips off mine. It’s torturous; I just want to keep kissing him.
“Sky,” I blurt out, realizing what’s just happened. Sky kissed me, like really kissed me… at school.