by Myers, AJ
I had to stop and take a deep breath before I could finish that sentence, aware that I was about to put another nail in the coffin we were slowly but surely burying our relationship in. I could have blamed the demon. I could have blamed fate. I could have come up with a thousand excuses for what I’d done. But they all would have sounded like a lie to me, because the truth was that I had wanted to feed from Tyler.
“…it’s mine,” I finally finished, flinching when Nathan’s expression darkened a little more. “I’m miserable, Nathan. I’m miserable and lonely and I’ve lost everything. Kim and Blake. My humanity. You. I just wanted to feel something besides the sadness that’s slowly killing me.”
“Oh, so this is my fault?” he growled.
My mark started up that damn thrumming again as I backed away, and I actually cringed as I waited to hear what he was really thinking. Whatever I heard, I deserved it. What I had done, feeding on Tyler, might have been forgivable. The way I had felt when I was in his arms… Yeah, not so much. Just remembering it was enough to make me feel sick with guilt.
But when I finally tuned in to channel Nathan, what I heard broke my heart for a completely different reason.
It is your fault, idiot, he was telling himself, the thought so saturated in self-loathing that I wanted to cry for him. She was right there, hurting and scared and in need of someone to hold her, and you didn’t man up. If she picks him now, it’s nothing less than what you deserve.
As much as I would have loved to let him believe that, I couldn’t do it. Because it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. For once, I was going to own what I’d done.
“No, Nathan. It’s not your fault,” I said softly, taking a step toward him even though he was looking about a step away from murdering someone. “It’s not Tyler’s, either. It was all me. He didn’t even have a choice. I did something to him, put him in some weird trance. There wasn’t anything he could have done to stop me.”
“You don’t have to defend me, beautiful,” Tyler said calmly, wrapping his hands around my upper arms to move me out of the way. I shook him off and glared at him over my shoulder.
“Not helping, Ty!” I cried, turning on him. Jabbing my finger into my chest, I snapped, “Darkling.” When I jabbed my finger into his chest, it was with enough force to crack bones. “Food source. Now you can do the math.”
“That’s right, Em, you go right ahead and take the blame,” Nathan said with the coldest laugh in history, glaring over my shoulder at Tyler. “If he’d wanted to stop you, he was more than capable.” When he looked down at me and saw the confused frown on my face, he laughed again. “He’s a walking lie, Ember. If you’re lucky, one of these days he’s going to have the balls to tell you the truth. When that day comes, I hope you kill him. In the meantime…”
I yelped and ducked when Nathan swung, landing a perfect right hook on Tyler’s jaw. Tyler went flying backwards, ending up sprawled amongst the remnants of the Monopoly game.
“Damn it, Nathan!” I yelled, slamming my hands into his chest again as he shook his hand out. “Are you satisfied now!?”
“Immensely.”
With that, he turned around and stomped from the room. I caught Sierra—who had wisely stayed out of the whole drama—giving me a strange look before she followed him, closing the door behind her. When I was sure Nathan wasn’t coming back to finish the beating he’d started, I let my head fall and scrubbed my hands over my face like I could erase everything that had just happened from my memory.
If only it had been that easy.
“I’m sorry, Ty,” I sighed, walking over to hold my hand out to help him up.
“Why are you sorry?” he said, accepting my hand while using his other hand to work his jaw from side to side. “You didn’t hit me, beautiful.”
“That’s not what I’m apologizing for,” I told him, choking on a sob, as I turned away. “I shouldn’t have fed on you. You’re my friend and I could have killed you.”
“Is that what you’re really sorry for, Ember?” he asked, his voice hard. When I tried to look away, he grasped my chin and forced me to look at him. “Answer me! Are you sorry that you fed from me, or that you enjoyed it?”
“Both,” I told him honestly, jerking my chin out of his grip. “That will never happen again. Ever. Do you understand?”
The laugh that slipped from his lips before he turned and walked away from me was darker than even Nathan’s had been. When he threw the door open, it was with enough force to embed the knob in the wall behind it. Before he stepped into the hallway, he looked at me over his shoulder and shook his head.
“I never wanted to be your drug of choice, Ember,” he said softly, giving me a deep, probing look. “I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to protect you. I wanted to save you from yourself. Now, I don’t know what I want. And you know what? I don’t think you do, either.”
As I watched him walk away I had a bad feeling he was doing more than leaving the room.
I’d just watched him walk out of my life, as well.
Chapter 9: Whiskey Kisses
“Get up, Ember.”
I burrowed deeper beneath the blankets and ignored Nathan’s barked order as if he’d never even spoken. A week had gone by since Tyler had left, and I hadn’t left my bed since then. Sierra had tried to talk to me, had tried to make me see that hiding under the covers wasn’t going to solve anything, but she might as well have been talking to the wall for all the good it did.
The truth was, knowing Tyler was gone and would probably never come back was just too much for me to deal with. I missed him. I missed our talks and the way he would tease me out of my bad moods. I missed the way he smiled. I missed his voice. I missed him.
But what had kept me hidden away under my covers like a child was that I didn’t know if that was because I’d lost my friend…or his essence.
“I said, get up,” Nathan repeated in a dark tone, snatching the covers off me. Without the heat of my trusty electric blanket, I immediately started to shiver.
“No.” I caught the blankets before he could yank them off the bed and pulled them back over me.
I was quite happy in my little cocoon and I had no intention of getting out of it. Hell, he should have been thrilled that I wanted to stay there. If I was hiding under the covers, I wasn’t trying to feed on anybody. It was a win-win for everybody.
“It wasn’t a request,” Nathan muttered, walking over to the window and throwing back the curtains, flooding the room with weak winter sunlight. I just burrowed further under the covers and put a pillow over my head—which he immediately snatched away. “You’ve been in that bed for six days. Pity party’s over, Em.”
“No, Nathan,” I said again as he stood there, hands on his hips, and peered down at me through narrowed eyes.
“Yes, Ember.”
God, he was thick-headed! Fine, if he wanted to stare at me all day, he was welcome to. It wasn’t like there was much I could do to stop it. But I was not getting out of that bed. I didn’t care what threats he made, how much he begged or pleaded, I was staying right there. If he didn’t like it, that was tough.
“Leave me alone, Nathan,” I told him, rolling onto my other side away from him. “Just let me stay here and rot. That is what dead people do, you know.”
He stood there for another few seconds and I could feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. Then, to my intense surprise, he actually did what I’d asked. Some part of my mind registered the sound of the shower coming on in the bathroom, and I frowned as I tried to remember the last time I’d had one.
But…Nathan had been fully dressed.
I shrieked when the covers were violently pulled away again and a pair of big hands grabbed me around the waist. Before I knew what was happening, I was slung over Nathan’s shoulder and he was turning for the door again.
“Put me down!” I shrieked, kicking my feet and beating on his back with my fists, as he carried me toward the bathroom.
“My pl
easure,” he snapped.
He walked over to the shower and dumped me unceremoniously, fully dressed, beneath the running water. I shrieked again when I realized how cold that water was and immediately started trying to fight my way out as chills raced all over my body. Nathan was too quick for me, though. Climbing into the shower with me, he wrapped his arms around me and held me under the water.
“It’s about time you woke up, my little ray of sunshine,” he said in a sweetly evil voice when I kept fighting. “I don’t care if I have to hold you here all day. You’re going to snap out of it, or I’m going to freeze your ass to death.”
“I can’t get cold! I’ll eat you, you moron!” I howled, still struggling against his hold even though I knew I didn’t stand a chance of getting out of that shower until he was good and ready to let me.
“Are you going to stop acting like a spoiled child?” he asked, suddenly not sounding so sweet.
I rammed both elbows into his stomach. “Yes!”
“Good.”
With one arm still locked firmly around my waist, he reached over his head and turned the hot water on full blast before turning the cold water off. Once the water was nice and hot, he let me go and got out of the shower before closing the glass door.
“Your robe is on the back of the door and I’ll have your shots ready when you get out. You and I are going to have a little talk.” When I just sat there and glared, he pointed at my body wash and said, “Soap.” Pointing at the showerhead, he said, “Water. You need both. You smell.”
He was gone before my insulted gasp even finished slipping through my lips. I sat there for another few minutes, letting the water warm my chilled skin, and then stood up and stripped out of my soggy pajamas. I kicked them to the side and then proceeded to try to scrub my skin off, muttering the whole time about asshole vampires with a death wish.
Though his methods had left a lot to be desired, I had to admit I felt almost human again once I was clean and wrapped in my soft, warm robe. I was toweling my hair dry when Nathan knocked on the door.
“Come to the kitchen when you’re done,” he said through the door. “I have something for you.”
“I can’t have anything in the kitchen, genius,” I grumbled with a scowl.
“You can have this,” he countered. “And in case you’re thinking you’ll just hide out in the bathroom instead of under your covers, don’t bother trying. I’ll just come in there and drag you out.”
I yanked the door open and glared at him, thinking how nice it would be if I had my powers back. I would have gotten an immense amount of satisfaction right then out of setting him on fire. I would have put him out—eventually. Maybe.—but watching him dance around with his ass in flames would have made my day.
“Much better,” he said, giving me a once over and taking a deep breath. “More like flowers, less like rot.”
“Aw, Nathan!” I said, pressing my hand to my chest and batting my eyelashes at him. “That might be the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me!”
“Now that’s the Ember I know and love,” he said, chuckling and waving his hand grandly toward the kitchen.
Who was he kidding? I wasn’t the girl he’d known and loved. That girl never would have tried to kill a perfect stranger. That girl never would have fed on her friend. And that girl sure as hell wouldn’t have practically made out with said friend while she was sucking the life out of him.
That girl was gone.
And we both knew it.
Keeping my eyes averted, I brushed past him and headed for my bedroom. I didn’t want to talk or try something new. I wanted to crawl back in my bed and go back to rotting. Really, it was easier that way for both of us. I hadn’t taken two steps, though, before Nathan’s hand wrapped around my arm gently and turned me the other direction.
“Wrong way, Em,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not going to let you hide anymore. Every time you retreat, I’m going to drag you back out. Every time you shut down, we’re going to take another shower together. I know this isn’t the life you wanted, and it’s not the one I wanted for you, but it’s the life you have. You have to learn how to live it. You can’t do that if you’re hiding from it.”
“Fine, whatever,” I mumbled, shaking his hand off and putting some space between us before his scent could drive me crazy enough to feed on him, too. “What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to come to the kitchen with me,” he said, leading the way. When I didn’t immediately follow, he turned around and arched an eyebrow at me. “You ready for another shower?”
I forced myself to follow him down the hall and into the kitchen. He pulled out one of the stools at the island and patted the seat, indicating I should sit down, then walked over to the counter where there were two short glasses and a brown paper bag.
“Where’s Sierra?” The last time I’d been alone with one of the men in my life, he’d ended up on the menu as an appetizer for my demon. I really didn’t care to have a repeat performance.
“She’s out,” Nathan shrugged. “It’s just you and me today.”
“Wonderful,” I muttered. “Don’t you think that’s pushing your luck a little?”
Rather than answer, Nathan just kept right on doing whatever the hell it was he was doing at the counter. Resigning myself to imminent demonhood, I finally gave in and perched on the stool he’d pulled out.
“What are you doing, Nathan?” I asked grumpily. “And where is my Nexus? I should have taken it an hour ago.”
“We’ll get to that,” he said, adding ice to the glasses. “I need you to be hungry. I’m going to teach you a few ways to fight it.”
Hungry? Was he insane? That could only lead to one of two things. Either I would have to put myself back into stasis—not an experience I really cared to repeat so soon—or I would lose control and feed on Nathan. With those options being the only ones on the table, I was more than screwed.
“So you’ve decided to torture me,” I grumbled, watching him pull a bottle out of the bag on the counter next to him. “Is that it, Nathan? Is this some kind of punishment or something? Because if it is, I think you’ve entered ‘cruel and unusual’ territory.”
“No, you’re not being punished. I just have a little experience fighting hunger pangs,” he said with another shrug. Turning around, he walked over to me and set one of the glasses in front of me.
“Is that straight whiskey?” I asked, wrinkling my nose. “I thought you said I couldn’t have alcohol.”
“No, I said you couldn’t have beer,” Nathan said, pulling a stool around the island so he could sit facing me. “Whiskey has almost no sodium in it. It might burn a little going down, but that would happen even if you weren’t a darkling.”
Rather than drink it, I pushed the glass away with a suspicious look. I really couldn’t see how getting drunk was going to help me control my hunger. And, trust me, if I sat there sucking down straight whiskey I was going to be as drunk as a skunk in no time flat. I got tipsy off a couple of beers.
“Drink it,” Nathan said, leaning across the counter to place the glass back in front of me. “It’ll take the edge off.”
“I’m not that hungry,” I told him, pushing the glass away again.
“You will be.”
I blinked and he disappeared only to reappear right next to my stool. Before I could even suck in a surprised breath, his arms wrapped around me and his lips covered mine in a kiss so hot I nearly melted into a gooey puddle on the kitchen floor right then and there. Everything inside me went into hyperdrive as he held me closer and deepened that kiss.
Including my demon.
“Are you hungry now?” he asked in a husky murmur, pulling away just enough to breathe the words against my lips.
He had no idea. The aroma of his glowing aura was suddenly all I could smell. It drifted around me, wrapping me in the temptation to feed until I exploded. It was worse than when I’d fed on Tyler. It was worse than the day he’d come home and I
’d caught that first whiff of his essence. I wanted it with a need that was literally physically painful.
I do love the ones that practically gift wrap themselves for me, my dark side crooned, practically purring in anticipation as I got weaker and weaker.
Not going to happen, I told my demon, pushing at Nathan’s shoulders in a desperate attempt to get him to back away even as I clamped my mouth shut.
When Nathan just pulled me closer, I wanted to cry. He had been pushing me away since the day he’d come home, but now, when I needed him to treat me like the monster I was, he wanted to hold me.
But I wouldn’t feed on him. I wouldn’t. Not Nathan. Not after what had happened with Tyler. It was not going to happen.
“Get away from me,” I told him in an agonized whisper. “Now, Nathan. Before I can’t stop myself.”
Instead, he reached over and picked up my glass and handed it to me. He stepped back just enough to wrap my fingers around it. “Drink it, Ember.”
I shook my head. He didn’t understand. He was one breath away from becoming my next meal. A glass of whiskey wasn’t going to help me. I needed some space. Lots and lots of space that didn’t have him in it. Maybe my own uninhabited planet.
“Tell me what you’re feeling right now,” he said in a much softer, gentler voice.
“It hurts,” I moaned, pressing a hand to my stomach as the hunger raging through me started ripping it apart. “Nathan, please. That smell… You’re killing me!”
I saw understanding dawn across his beautiful face, then, to my horror, he smiled. Leaning forward, he whispered in my ear, “You know what the great thing about being undead is, Ember? You don’t have to breathe.”
Why didn’t I think of that? I thought, wanting to kick myself.
I immediately stopped breathing. Unfortunately, it was too late to be helpful. I had already breathed in too much of that scent. It lingered in my lungs, feeding my hunger. I could taste him on my lips. His aura hypnotized me, glowing with those little swirls of light that my darker side couldn’t resist.