by Steph Nuss
"She said, 'Keith, make sure she goes to college because she can do whatever she wants with a degree. Let her fall in love as many times as she has to until she finds the one who will love her unconditionally. Give her the wedding of her dreams because she's our little girl and she deserves to have whatever she wants. Encourage her to become a parent and spoil our grandbabies twice as much. But most importantly, remind her to live each day to the fullest so she's ready when her time comes.'"
I was a blubbering mess by the time he stopped talking, with blurred vision and a drenched face. I sniffed back snot and my chest hurt from choking back breaths. With each sentence he said, I cried a little harder. It all sounded exactly like Mom, and it amazed me that he remembered it word for word. He pulled me in for another tight hug and just held me. I buried my face in his shirt until the sobs passed and my breathing evened out again.
"Elly?" he asked, rubbing my back.
"Y-yeah?"
"We haven't even talked about your fight yet," he laughed, his voice tender and deep.
"I know," I said, laughing lightly and letting go of him. I dried my face with a napkin and blew my nose in another. Feeling the rumble in my stomach, I picked my chicken up again and relaxed back into the couch. Dad picked up his food and looked over at me, smiling. "I screwed up today with Carter. I said some things I didn't mean, and for a while after our fight, I thought he would be better off without me. After talking with you, though, I know that's impossible."
"How did you screw up?" he asked, fiddling around with his chopsticks. I giggled quietly watching his large hands trying to maneuver the wooden utensils. "I don’t know why I even try using these damn things." He threw them back into the bag and grabbed a plastic fork instead. "Okay, sorry, go on."
I smiled and took a deep breath. "So, this morning he came over with breakfast and told me his sister called him and invited us over for dinner because she wants to meet me."
"But you already had plans with your good ol' dad," he said, rolling his eyes.
"And when I told him that, he said he would let his sister know we already had plans and reschedule, but I told him not to. I told him he should go to dinner at her place and I would come here. He got confused, and then instead of calmly explaining how I felt, I went off. I said I wasn't ready for us to meet each other’s families and gave him a bunch of stupid excuses. He said he didn't understand where any of this was coming from, and then he told me he loved me. He left, I cried, and now I'm here."
"You really think you're not ready? You've known him for a long time, sweetie. Why'd you give him all the excuses?" he asked, studying my face.
"Because blaming him for things he didn't do was easier than telling him about my fear of cancer." His disappointed face reappeared and he shook his head at me. I nodded and pointed my fork at him. "I know. I'm aware of how ridiculous that just sounded. I can't even believe I'm a therapist with the circus act I put on today. I help people with their problems for a living, yet I create my own and then cry about it."
He smiled and pointed his fork at me. "You're not perfect."
"I know," I sighed.
"You didn't answer my other question. You really think you're not ready?" He gazed over at me smiling and I shrugged. "You know, I met your mom's folks after only two weeks of dating, and they hated me. They didn't want their daughter with a ball player. But she loved me and they eventually learned to love me, too. I know it's not the easiest part of a relationship, but you do it because you love your partner."
"I know I said I wasn't ready, but I think I am," I said, opening a box of chow mein. "We both had a thing for each other back in college and never did anything about it because we were too worried about ruining our friendship. Nine years later, and we're finally together. It would be stupid to waste any more time because, you're right, tomorrow isn't guaranteed and we should be living each day to its fullest. I mean, I don't want to get married tomorrow, but I'd like for you to meet him."
"I'd like to meet him, too. Or, at least before next Friday," he said, throwing away our empty containers. My thoughts flew to next Friday but I couldn't think of anything that was going on then. He walked back in from the kitchen with a smile on his face. "Or else Maverick's going to introduce us."
"I knew it was Mav who told you!" I said, shaking my head.
He laughed and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "I told him to bring Carter to poker night next Friday."
"Maybe we could have dinner at my place on Wednesday?" I asked, smiling at him.
"Sounds good to me," he said, pulling on my ponytail.
"Thanks for tonight, Dad. I really needed this." I pressed a kiss to his cheek and he squeezed my shoulder tight. "I feel like I don't know what I'm doing; like I don't know how to be in love."
"You don't learn how to be in love. It's not like learning how to walk or talk. It's innate, like breathing. I think love is something we do to survive. To live your life to the fullest, you gotta love every bit of the journey. Remember that."
"I will." I wrapped my arms around his neck for a hug and smiled. I couldn't have asked for better advice tonight. He told me everything I needed to hear and that's why I loved him. Just when I was questioning everything about myself—my competence as a girlfriend and as a therapist—he made me see the big picture. People came to me for professional help, but sometimes the people who knew you best provided the greatest therapy and the only license they had was their love for you.
* * *
When I arrived back at my apartment, I walked in and flipped on the overhead light in the kitchen, and I saw him.
Carter was sitting on the couch next to Stag watching TV with a blank expression on his face. He didn't acknowledge me. He didn't look upset, but he didn't look happy. I honestly wasn't even expecting him to be here, so the fact that he was made my heart beat faster and the butterflies in my stomach flutter like crazy. Stag's tail beat loudly against the couch as I walked farther into the living room.
At least one of them is excited to see me.
"Get on your bed, Stag," Carter said, pointing to his dog bed.
He hopped off the couch and sat back down on his bed obediently, and Carter looked up at me and nodded toward the other side of the couch. Now that I was closer, I could see his expression more clearly. His dark brown eyes were narrowed and his jaw was clenched, lips pressed tightly together.
Okay, so he was still hurt.
Did you expect him not to be?
No.
I sat down and curled my legs underneath me, and he clicked the TV off and turned toward me. I sighed and stuck my itchy hands inside the front pocket of my sweatshirt so they wouldn't reach out and touch his beautiful face. After not having him in my bed last night and not being around each other all day, I missed him something terrible.
"You're here," I said, smiling weakly. On the cab ride home, I wavered about whether or not I should call him to see where he was. If he hadn’t been here, I would've gone straight to his apartment. We had to settle this.
He blinked a few times and glared over at me before he reached out and caressed my cheek. I leaned into him, cherishing the electric feel of his touch. Relief flooded through me for the second time today. Just feeling him touch me made me want to cry tears of joy. He swallowed hard and in a deep, hoarse voice said, "This is where I want to be."
"I'm glad you're here," I said, my voice small and soft. I looked down for a brief moment, but he grabbed my chin and made me look at him.
"What the hell happened today, Elly?" he asked, his eyes searching for answers.
"I just got freaked out," I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"Over dinner plans?" His confused gaze never faltered. Those dark brown eyes just turned darker as he probed further.
I shook my head quickly and sighed. "No. Today wasn't about dinner plans, or not being ready, or any of the things I blamed you for. It doesn't feel like we're living together. I love it when you stay here. In fact, I can't sleep when you
're not next to me. And the stuff I said about not talking about things … We don't talk about the future because I avoid our conversations about it. You've tried talking to me about it, but I've avoided all talk about any sort of future together."
"But why? That's what I don't understand," he said, bunching his brows together. His hand dropped to his lap and his expression softened. "It's okay if you're not ready, but I need to know that someday you will be ready. I want a life with you. You're the only woman I'll ever want forever with."
I swiped a tear away. For the love of God, no more crying, Elly. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and nodded. "I am ready, but I'm really scared, too." I took my hand out of my pocket and reached for one of his, linking our fingers together. "I'm scared of becoming my mom. I'm scared of starting a life with you and then getting cancer and having it all come to an abrupt end. I don't want to do that to you. It's something I've always worried about, but today I let it come between us."
And just like that he broke.
"Ellyson," he said, pulling me into his lap. He cradled my face in his hands and smiled softly. "You don't think that scares me, too? It scares the shit out of me, but it's not going to stop me from loving you. Nothing could ever stop me from loving you. If you get cancer, I will be there every step of the way with you, fighting it. I don't care how much time we have, just as long as we spend the rest of our lives together." He pressed a soft, slow, earnest kiss against my lips and then whispered, "I love you."
"And I love you," I said, leaning my forehead against his. For the first time since I got home, I saw him smile that panty-melting smile of his. I pulled back and slid my hands up his chest and around his neck. "I talked to my dad tonight about my mom, and he made me realize how short life can be; how tomorrow isn't guaranteed. I have to stop worrying about the things I can't control and make the most of my time with you. I'm not saying I wanna run off and elope tomorrow, but I invited him over for dinner on Wednesday so you two could meet. Is that okay with you?"
"He told you about Friday poker night, didn't he?"
"Maverick told you?!" I asked, rolling my eyes.
"He said he thought your dad already knew about us," Carter said, defending our friend.
"Yeah, yeah," I said, shaking my head. I caressed his beautiful stubble and smiled. "So, Wednesday's good, then?"
"Perfect." He ran his thumbs under my eyes. "There's still something we need to discuss about this morning though."
"Okay …"
He removed me from his lap and placed me next to him on the couch like he couldn't be touching me for this conversation. "You have to talk to me about things. I didn't mean to make you feel pressured this morning. I really couldn't understand why you were getting so upset over dinner plans. I could tell you were just making up excuses. We're gonna fight. A lot. Today was the first of many, but I just want you to be honest with me."
"I know." I pressed a small, chaste kiss to his lips and smiled against them. "I'm sorry I gave you a bunch of excuses. It won't happen again."
"Good," he said, his intense voice raising goose bumps on my skin. He sighed and took my hands in his, and he looked me straight in the eyes. "I don't want us to hide our feelings anymore. We spent so much time in the past not telling each other how we felt; I don't wanna live like that anymore. I want us to be honest with one another. I knew I was doing the right thing by going home to help my family back then, but it felt like the exact opposite because it meant leaving you. I didn't want to leave you. You were the love of my life even then, Elly, but I couldn’t tell you how I felt and then ask you to go with me. I couldn’t ask you to wait for me to get back. That wouldn't have been fair to you. Your life, your family and friends, they were all here in New York, and all I wanted was for you to be happy. And now that we're finally together, I just want us to be honest. No more hiding."
I let go of his hands and pulled him into a hug. He moved me into his lap with his hands at the small of my back, and I tightened my grip on him. God, I loved him. For so many years I wondered what it would've been like to go with him, but now I was glad I hadn't. I never would've learned how miserable life was without him or how much I truly needed him. I probably wouldn't have my clinic or Stag. I buried my face in his neck and breathed in his familiar, enticing scent as a tear slipped from my eye and fell onto to his skin.
"Elly," he whispered, pulling back. He searched my face and brushed his thumbs underneath my eyes to catch more tears. "Why are you crying?"
I swallowed hard and dried my face with my hands. Seriously, stop crying, Elly. I looked back at him and turned the heat back up between us.
God, I want him.
I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and threw it over the back of the couch. I cradled his face in my hands and looked deep into his dark, eager eyes. "You put everyone's happiness before your own and you never asked for anything in return." I felt his hands tighten around my waist and pressed up against him, feeling his dick bulge as I made contact. "I want to make you happy."
"Babe, you do," he said, sliding his hands down to my ass. "You are my happiness." He gripped my ass through my spandex running shorts and his lips found my neck and began sucking. "I missed you this weekend." I sighed at his words and his magical mouth began revving me up with each kiss he placed on his way up to my ear. "I couldn't sleep without you either," he said, his voice vibrating against my neck, turning me on even further.
I felt my arousal building and quickly jumped off him. "Come on," I said, holding my hand out.
"Where are we going?" he asked, a naughty smile playing on his lips.
"I want you and a shower," I said, leading us down the hall. I walked into the bathroom, and then turned around to face him. I grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. As I ran my hands down his beloved six-pack, his hands slid into the waistband of my shorts. He pushed them down to my ankles and his shorts immediately joined them. I rid myself of my sports bra and thong, and then wrapped my arms around his naked body, grabbed his beautiful ass, and led us into the shower. "I want you to wash this damn day off of us."
"Yes, ma'am," he said with a smug grin, ripping the elastic band out of my hair. He turned the water on, adjusted the temperature, and we both stepped under the large showerhead.
The water pressure made it feel like we were under a rushing waterfall together, hands exploring every inch of our bodies while warm water poured over us. Just standing under the water felt like we were freeing ourselves from our argument. Carter grabbed the shampoo and started massaging my scalp as he washed my hair. The tantalizing feel of his fingers rhythmically rubbing over every nerve on the top of my head relaxed me and relieved the headache I had from crying. God, he was good with his hands. I reached for the body wash and my soapy hands caressed every inch of his smooth, muscular body and stroked up and down his gorgeous shaft.
"That feels incredible," he groaned. He grabbed the body wash and started scrubbing my curves, kneading my breasts while the hot steam of the water surrounded us, making me needier with each stroke of his hands.
"Come here." I pulled him underneath the showerhead again, and we took our time rinsing each other off. Then I wrapped my arms around his neck, our bodies flush.
"Did I get it all off?" he asked, amused, caressing my back as he softly pushed me against the tile wall. His voice and eyes were hot and eager.
"No, you missed a spot," I said, hooking my leg around his waist. A very, very important spot.
"You're right." He gripped the back of my thigh with his right hand and my neck with his left and pulled me in for a deep, out-of-this-world kiss, crushing his lips to mine as the water cascaded behind us and we grew relentless, ravenous for one another, greedily biting and sucking like we were marking our territory. He pushed into my sex, and I moaned softly into his mouth as his tongue tangled around mine. He rocked in and out of me, each thrust creating a riot of pleasure throughout my body. He was exactly what I needed. I needed his closeness, to feel
him deep inside of me, putting this whole dreadful day behind us. But, more than anything, I needed his love.
I trailed kisses up his neck, and he quickened our pace when I started nibbling on his ear. I dug my nails into his skin and met every one of his deep thrusts with my hips, and our breathing grew ragged and loud over the sound of water against tile.
"Fuck, you're amazing," he breathed, voice trembling.
I gazed into his dark, hooded eyes, water dripping over his skin, and I saw love; a deep, passionate love I knew I couldn't live without. Nothing could ever take this away from us, not even cancer. He brushed a wet strand of hair off my face and then trailed his hand down over my collarbone until he found my heavy breasts. He rolled one hard nipple between his fingers and rubbed circles around it with his thumb, sending me so high that I started seeing stars.
"Ohmigawd," I moaned.
"Come on, babe, come with me." He gripped me tight and pumped into me vigorously, and then my name was on his lips, sending me over the edge with him, and I tossed my head back against the cool, wet tile and cried out in pleasure as my orgasm wracked me.
I rested my head on his shoulder, completely spent as we came down from the high. Both of my legs felt like Jell-O and the only thing holding me upright was him. I didn't know what kind of sex I was having before Carter came along, but it was nothing compared to him. It wasn't even in the same league as what just took place in my shower, or any time we had sex. There wasn't a part of me that wasn't buzzing from the pleasurable ride he just sent us on, and I loved him even more for it. Nobody else ever made me feel the way Carter did, with the butterflies, and the sexual buzz, and the love we shared. There was no way in hell I'd set him free again.
I turned the water off behind him and he carried me out of the shower. He grabbed a towel and slowly lowered my feet to the tile, making sure I could stand on my own before letting me go.
"You okay there, Sylvia?" he laughed, his voice deep and gravelly.