by Steph Nuss
"I know, babe," he said, kissing my head. "I know, but the sooner we find out, the better."
I nodded and he reached for my hand again and walked us into the dreadful room. Dr. Walsh was at the head of the table and two other doctors were sitting to her left.
"Elly, Carter, please have a seat," she said, in her motherly voice. Carter and I took a seat across from the two women and politely smiled at them.
"Doctors, this is Ellyson Evans and her boyfriend, Carter," Dr. Walsh said, smiling between the four of us. "Elly, Carter, I'd like you to meet Dr. Dionisi and Dr. Hawkins." The four of us shook hands and then turned our attention to Dr. Walsh again. Carter reached for my hand under the table and took it in both of his. "Okay, Elly, so let's talk about your blood tests. First of all, you are not pregnant. However, your hormone levels are much higher than we like to see. We also ran a CA-125 test, which, as you know is the—"
"Cancer antigen blood test," I said for her.
"Exactly," she said with a small nod. "And your CA-125 identified no ovarian cancer, but we won't be able to confirm that until we remove the mass and test it."
"Okay."
"Now, moving on to your ultrasound," she said, pulling images out of a folder. "You have a large, solid mass on your left ovary, just as I suspected, and that's why I've called in Dr. Dionisi and Dr. Hawkins. Dr. Dionisi is a gynecologic oncologist and Dr. Hawkins specializes in surgical gynecologic oncology. The three of us are going to work together to give you the best treatment, and our first concern is removing the mass. Dr. Hawkins?"
Dr. Hawkins smiled at me and folded her hands together on the table. "So, because the mass is surrounding the entire ovary, what I'd like to do is a unilateral salpingo-oophorectomy, which means removal of the ovary and the fallopian tube."
"You can't do that," Carter said, scowling. He looked over at me for support, but I sat there just as confused as the doctors. "Elly, we talked about this. We plan on having kids someday. That can't happen if they remove all the parts we need to make it happen."
For the first time since walking into the hospital, I genuinely smiled. Carter was the only male in the room and he looked completely heartbroken. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Babe, it's okay. They're only removing the left ovary and the left tube."
"Oh, God," he sighed, shaking his head. "I forgot you ladies have two of everything in there."
"Well, not everything," Dr. Dionisi said with a faint laugh.
Dr. Hawkins smiled over at me. "He's definitely a keeper."
"I think so," I said, leaning against his shoulder.
"Okay, back to the surgery," Dr. Hawkins said. "It's a minimally-invasive surgery. I'll go in laparoscopically, which will lessen your hospital stay, your pain, and your recovery time. I'll make three or four small incisions in your abdomen to remove the ovary and the fallopian tube."
"Okay," I said, nodding. This conference room visit wasn't going as awfully as I thought it might. "How long can I expect to be in the hospital afterward?"
"If all goes well, you'll be able to leave that same day," she said, smiling. "It just depends on how you feel afterward and how fast the anesthesia wears off. Most of my patients leave the same day."
"Okay, how long until I can go back to doing regular activities?"
"We'll do a post-op follow-up after two weeks, but I would suggest waiting at least four weeks before returning to work. You'll probably feel up to it, but you have to remember why we're doing this surgery. To remove a potential risk of ovarian cancer," Dr. Hawkins said and then looked over at Dr. Dionisi.
"Yes, once Dr. Hawkins removes the ovary and tube, I'll run a series of tests on the mass, checking for cancer, and the results can take anywhere from four to five weeks. That's why we suggest waiting to go back to work until after you get your test results. The wait can be stressful and, while you may think work is the best way to keep yourself occupied, it usually ends up adding to the stress. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry about the results. Try to relax and enjoy your time off."
"How soon can I have the surgery done?" I asked.
"I'd like for you to have it done as soon as possible," Dr. Walsh said, covering my hand with hers. "The sooner you have the surgery, the sooner we know whether or not it's cancer."
Dr. Hawkins tapped around on her tablet. "Would Friday morning work?"
"That will work," I said, nodding.
Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Dionisi shook our hands again and excused themselves. My surgery was early Friday morning. Hopefully that meant I'd be home in the afternoon. I didn't want to stay at the hospital.
"You guys are free to stay in here and talk as long as you'd like," Dr. Walsh said, standing from her chair.
"What are the chances her mass is benign?" Carter asked.
"The chances are good because Elly's young and premenopausal, but she does have a family history of breast cancer, which puts her at risk. I'm hopeful, though," she said sincerely. She leaned down to hug me and I wrapped my arms around her. She'd become a mother figure in my life ever since my mom died; at least when it came to my health. "Elly, get your patients referred to other therapists and prepare to relax for the next four weeks. Please don't worry yourself sick over this, okay?"
I nodded with a weak smile and watched her leave the room. Carter swiveled in his chair and turned mine toward him. He wore a confident smile and the worry that had shadowed his eyes before was gone.
"What now?" he asked, running his hands over my thighs.
"I don't know," I said, wiping my hands over my face. "I just wanna go home and go to bed."
"Don't you think we should go over to your dad's and tell him about all this?"
I shook my head adamantly. "No."
Carter tilted his head and narrowed his eyes at me seriously. "You have to tell him about this."
"I don't want to; at least, not until we have the test results back," I said, pleading for him to understand. I had no idea how my dad would take it, but I still remembered how he looked the day we found out about Mom. He looked crushed, absolutely heartbroken, like he was pissed off at the world. Mom's situation was a hell of a lot worse than a mass on an ovary, but I never wanted to see that look on his face again.
"I know you don’t want to," he said sympathetically, "but he'll want to know. You're his daughter, Elly. When we have a child someday, would you want them keeping something like this from us?"
"No," I sighed, annoyed. Why was he being so practical? He went from being a sweet, doting boyfriend to being practical and putting us in my dad's shoes. Oh, yeah, because it was exactly what I asked him to do. Still, it annoyed me.
"No, I wouldn't either. So, let's stop by his place and then we can go home and you can go to sleep."
We left the hospital with a packet of information about the surgery, how to prep for it, and what to expect afterward. When we got into a cab, I rested my head on Carter's shoulder and closed my eyes, completely drained from this entire day. I wanted to go home and lie down in bed and cry until I couldn't produce any more tears. The next four weeks were going to be awful. I was going to sit at home and Google information on ovarian cancer and its statistics and stories from other women who'd been through this. I knew it. Carter knew it. My own doctor knew it. Nothing about that sounded relaxing.
Relax. What a joke.
You might have cancer, but enjoy your time off.
How the hell was I supposed to enjoy my time off with a life-threatening diagnosis hanging over my head? I'd rather be in a coma for the next twenty-eight days. Wake me up when the results come in.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Carter
On Friday morning, Elly and I arrived at the hospital an hour before her surgery so they could prep her for the operation. She was in her hospital gown, lying in bed half asleep while a nurse checked her vitals, hooked her up to a monitor, and put in an IV. She lay there and let them do their job while I sat in the chair next to her bed feeling completely help
less. She looked so peaceful and calm lying there, but it gutted me to know she was anything but. She was scared, nervous, and pissed off about having to stay home for four weeks, all of which was understandable. I wished she'd let me stay at home with her, but she turned down that idea before I even had it all the way out of my mouth.
I wished I could trade places with her. I wished it was me in that hospital bed prepping for surgery and not her.
I was pulled out my thoughts by a knock at the door, and I looked up to see her dad. He looked like he didn't get any sleep last night, which was exactly how I felt. I’d held Elly in my arms most of the night because it was the one thing I could do that comforted her, and I’d watched her sleep because watching her comforted me.
"How's everything going?" Keith asked. "Did she get any sleep last night?"
"Yeah, but I think she's the only one who did," I said with a faint smile. "The nurse just finished putting her IV in and said the doctors would be in any minute."
He nodded and sat down in the chair next to mine. "Yeah, she's always been a good patient for the professionals, but when you get her home, good luck."
"Good to know," I said, smiling at him.
"I can hear you guys," Elly mumbled, turning her head in our direction. Her eyes were still shut, but a small smile tugged at her soft pink lips.
"Well, it's the truth," he muttered under his breath.
I leaned forward and caressed her cheek. She sighed at my touch and leaned into it. That brief, minuscule reaction from her tugged at my heartstrings and made me feel like I was the anchor she needed today. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else right now except here, by her side. I tried my best to ignore the ache in my chest and the anxiety roiling in my belly. She needed me to be strong for her, to be here holding her hand and caressing her skin.
At another knock at the door, Elly's beautiful brown eyes fluttered all the way open to see her team of doctors walk in. Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Dionisi stood at the foot of her bed while Dr. Walsh came over and gave Keith a hug.
"It's good to see you again, Keith," she said. "We're going to take good care of her in there."
"I know you will, Susan," he said.
She turned around and flashed Elly and me a smile. "Are you ready to go, Elly?"
Elly looked at me, her eyes wide with fear. She wasn't just having surgery to remove a mass. This was surgery to find out whether or not her life was at stake, and that was fucking terrifying. I gripped her hand a little tighter and swallowed the lump in my throat as she gazed around at her three doctors and her dad. "As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," she said, trying to sound upbeat.
Dr. Walsh unplugged Elly's bed from the wall and I walked alongside the bed as she pushed Elly toward the operating room, holding her hand the entire way there. Keith and the other doctors followed close behind us, talking about her case.
When we got to the OR doors, Dr. Hawkins and Dr. Dionisi walked in to scrub up and Dr. Walsh smiled at Keith and me.
"Okay, guys, time to hand her over to the ladies," she said, smiling from the foot of Elly's bed.
Keith walked around to the other side and smiled down at his daughter. "I'll see you in a little bit, sweetie."
He kissed her forehead and she smiled. "See ya."
She turned her head toward me and I saw the tears welling in her eyes. I smiled down at her and swiped my thumbs under her eyes, catching the few tears that seeped out. "I love you," I said, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. I cupped her face in my hands and gave her another kiss. "I'll be waiting for you."
"I love you, too," she said, smiling back at me. "I know I haven't said it, but thank you for being here with me."
"It's the only place I want to be." I kissed her one more time and then watched as Dr. Walsh rolled her back into the OR, feeling as if my heart was rolling away from me.
A nurse escorted Keith and me to a surgical waiting room and told us to let her know if we needed anything. I took a seat in a chair opposite the TV and he walked to the coffee machine.
"Coffee?" he asked.
"No, thanks," I said.
He sat back down next to me and gave me a fatherly pat on my shoulder. "Everything is gonna be okay, Carter."
"I know," I said, leaning forward in my seat. With my elbows resting on my knees, I wiped at my face, attempting to rid myself of the waves of tiredness that kept crashing over me. The day had just begun and already it felt like it should be ending. "I just wish there was more I could do for her."
"I know," he said, taking a drink from his cup. "She knows that, too. She knows you're doing everything you can to make her feel better. She watched me go through this with her mom and she never wanted you to have to go through it with her."
"I know, but I'm not going anywhere," I said, looking him straight in the eyes. "In fact, I'd like to talk to you about her. I meant what I said when I told you she was my future. Ellyson's everything to me. I fell in love with her the day I met her. She was so sweet and walked to the beat of her own drum. She cared about who I was instead of where I came from or how much money I had, because that's the kind of woman you raised her to be. She's my best friend, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with because I'm in love with her. I want to ask her to marry me, but before I do, I'd like your blessing."
A wide grin spread across his face and he tossed his arm over my shoulders and gave me the supportive hug. "I thought this might happen today," he said, rummaging through his coat pocket. I'd been thinking about this since our first day of college, but I started planning my proposal to Elly the minute we left the hospital Monday night. I wasn't wasting any more time with her. I bought the ring weeks ago, but I finally had my plan all figured out; the only thing I needed before asking her was her dad's blessing. He pulled out an old white envelope from his pocket and handed it to me. "You have my blessing."
"Thank you, sir, but what is this?" I asked, examining the envelope with Elly's name scribbled on it.
"I don't know," he said with a faint laugh. "Karen wrote some letters to Elly before she died because she didn't like the thought of missing out on her special occasions. She marked when Elly should receive each letter and who should give it to her. That letter there is the letter marked for Elly's wedding proposal, and the man who asks me for her hand in marriage is supposed to give it to her after he proposes."
I looked over at him, smiling in disbelief. How did her mom know I'd ask for his blessing? I respected the hell out of her dad, especially right now. I couldn't imagine how hard today was for him, experiencing the fear of cancer all over again with his daughter after losing his wife to it. "Did she write you any letters?"
"Yeah, she did," he said nostalgically, looking down at the letter. "They're all marked for special occasions in my life that haven't happened yet, like walking Elly down the aisle and becoming a grandpa."
"Oh, thanks for the added pressure," I joked. I ran my index finger over her mom's handwriting; it looked so similar to Elly's I would've thought it was hers.
"No, no added pressure, Carter," he laughed, patting my shoulder. "I'm just happy I'm getting one step closer to finding out what my wife wrote to me."
Talk about patience. I could hear in his voice how much he wanted to read what she had written. He could've easily opened them after she died and read what she wrote, but he loved and respected her and her words so much that he was willing to wait.
"Does Elly know about these letters?"
"No, but now you know," he said, giving me a final pat on the back before standing up. He walked over to the coffee machine again and smiled back at me. "Welcome to the family, Carter."
Ellyson
When the anesthesia from surgery finally wore off and Dr. Walsh checked my incisions and vitals one last time, I was discharged from the hospital. The surgery was successful. They removed the ovary and its mass and the fallopian tube without any difficulties, and they said they didn't see any other abnormalities while they were inside. Now, I was headed home
to recover and play the waiting game, something I was definitely not looking forward to. It was early afternoon and Carter and I were waiting inside the hospital's outpatient pick-up area for my dad's driver. Dad insisted we take his town car home instead of a cab because he trusted Barney's driving over a cab driver's.
Carter helped me from the wheelchair to the backseat with care. I felt a little bit of pain below my belly button, but nothing too unbearable. I was ready for my own bed. That hospital bed was anything but comfortable. It encouraged me to get out of there, pain or no pain.
When Carter slid into the backseat next to me with my bag, he told Barney my address out of habit and smiled over at me.
"He probably already knows where his boss's daughter lives, huh?" he laughed, handing me my pillow.
"Yeah, probably," I said, as he started buckling me in. He looked like hell, with dark circles under his eyes. I could tell he was tired and knew he hadn't slept well last night. I positioned the pillow over my stomach as he wrapped the seat belt around so it rested across the pillow instead of my incision sites.
He sat back and kissed me on the forehead. "How are you feeling?"
"No, you are not going to ask me that every ten minutes," I said, definitively, but I smiled at him.
"I won't bug you as long as you're honest with me about your pain and what you need," he said, laying my head against his shoulder. "I'm not a mind reader, babe."
"I know."
* * *
Twenty minutes later, I was standing in front of my apartment as Carter unlocked the door. He held my hand as I made the slow trek inside and then closed the door behind us and locked up. Walking was a little bit more painful than sitting up, so I made my way to my room carefully, with him by my side the entire way. There was a light coming from my room that lit up the end of the hallway, encouraging me to walk a little faster just so I could lie down in my big, comfy bed with its feather-soft pillows and warm blankets.