Renegade

by Heather Dahlgren

  She shakes her head and pushes my hand off her thigh. “I can’t, it’s wrong. You’re a rock star and I have a boyfriend.”

  I grab her hands and hold them under the table, entwining our fingers together. “Brooklyn, what scares you the most?”

  She tries to pull her hands away, but I tighten my hold on them. She looks at me with sadness and heat in her eyes. “Change scares me, this scares me.”

  I smile and lean forward, kissing her forehead. “Good, because it scares me too.”

  I roll over and attempt to open my eyes, but that big beautiful window I loved yesterday, I hate today. My head pounds and the sun hits me right in the face. I lay there thinking for a minute and jolt up, which does my head no good. I look around completely confused. How the hell did I get home last night and who put me to bed? Fear hits me for a minute and I lift the covers and breathe a sigh of relief when I see I’m still in the same clothes.

  Closing my eyes, I think back to last night. It started out as awful as I thought it would be. I felt so out of place and shy around everyone. They all have this bond that I could only wish to have with a group of people and I felt like such an outsider. I listened to their stories and answered questions when they were asked of me, but I just wanted it to be over.

  It got even worse when Fitz first got there. Watching him up on stage made me feel things I definitely shouldn’t have been feeling. It was just impossible not to. He’s so incredibly talented and the way he was with his band and the fans made me feel like he must be someone special. You’d have to be blind not to notice how unbelievably hot he is and the way he owned that stage, damn it was a sight.

  So, when he was standing there when I got out of the bathroom, my stomach dropped and my heart raced. Nervous to meet him, to actually speak to him, I considered the things his voice had done to me while he was on stage. I was even more nervous after we all sat down and I just wanted to leave. It was too overwhelming for me, especially when Ethen brought over a round of shots. I didn’t want to do it. I’ve never done a shot and I sure as shit wasn’t going to try my first one with the eyes of Renegade looking at me.

  When they all kept pushing me, the embarrassment I felt was as bad as when Hank rejected me. When Fitz stood up and not only took the shot for me, but yelled at everyone on my behalf, my heart melted. No one has ever stood up for me like that before and I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I was so touched by it that I started to cry. It made me question so many things, things I’m not ready to answer yet. Like, why the hell am I still with Hank? He would never have stood up for me like that, ever.

  Things got so much better from then, starting with Fitz coming to check on me in the bathroom. When he hugged me, I felt something I’ve never felt before. It was like something between us grabbed ahold and connected. From that point on, he did nothing but surprise me. He wasn’t this guy that I thought he’d be. He wasn’t getting trashed and flirting with a bunch of different women, he was with me. Little bank manager, ordinary, shy me. We talked and laughed and I felt special. When I started drinking, I just felt like Brooke from California was gone and Brooklyn from New York replaced her. It was liberating.

  I don’t remember much after my second drink. I remember Fitz trying to kiss me and holy shit I never wanted something so bad in my life, but I’m not a tramp. I won’t cheat on Hank, even though every part of my body was begging me to do it. Pleading with me to experience something that would be once in a life time. I didn’t do it though, not even as Brooklyn. After that everything went fuzzy. I remember dancing a little, laughing a lot and Fitz’s smiling face.

  Opening my eyes, the brightness is making my head hurt more. I need to take something before I’m stuck in bed all day. Kicking the covers off of me, I stretch and get out of bed. Having to steady myself, because I start to tip over. I guess I need to get used to drinking. Slowly, I make my way to the living room to see if Poppy is awake, feeling weird going through her stuff to look for ibuprofen without her knowledge.

  When I get out in the living room, Poppy paces the floor with her phone to her ear. “Listen Glenn, I will tell you when and where my guys will go and they sure as shit aren’t going to that crap venue. If you want them, you need to find something that fits a hell of a lot more people and that isn’t crumbling to the damn ground.”

  She’s so tough. I wish I had half the attitude she does. Sensing my presence, she turns and gives me a huge smile. Holding up a finger, indicating give her a minute, I shake my head and go to the kitchen to get some water. I chug down almost the whole bottle and I’m shocked I didn’t realize how thirsty I was.

  “Sorry, I just had to take care of that. Business and all,” she says as she reaches into the cabinet. She hands me the bottle of ibuprofen and I look at her in confusion. I never even mentioned my head yet. She laughs and hops up on the counter. “I figured after last night you’d need that.”

  I graciously take them from her and swallow down three, hoping to get my head under control. I look at her and she still has that huge smile in place. “What?” I ask and laugh, but it hurts my head and I quickly stop.

  “Nothing. I’m just glad you ended up having a good time last night, that’s all,” she says and grabs a box of crackers out of the cabinet, tossing them to me. “You and Fitz seemed to hit it off.”

  I finish eating a cracker and try to hide my smile. I’m acting like a damn school girl. “Surprisingly, we did have a good time. Speaking of last night, I don’t even remember how we got home.” I figure I will try to change the subject off of Fitz.

  “Well now that’s a good story. So after you and Fitz got down and dirty on the dance floor, you passed out. I was too drunk to carry your ass home, so Fitz did. He tucked you in too,” she says, wiggling her eyebrows and I feel my face blush. Although it’s not a blush of embarrassment, it’s because I was kind of hoping he was the one who put me to bed. It’s wrong, I know it is, but I can’t help it. “I think he likes you, Brooklyn.”

  This makes my heart stop beating and I slowly lift my head to look at her. “What? No, he’s just being nice. He knows I’m with Hank. Anyway, he’s a huge rock star, he doesn’t want to waste his time with someone like me,” I say, unfortunately, meaning every word.

  “First of all, Fitz wouldn’t give a shit if you were married. Second of all, he may be a rock star, but he’s a person, a person who doesn’t judge people on who they are or where they came from. It wouldn’t matter to him if you were a princess or a bum. I saw the way he was with you last night and in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never been like that with anyone.” She smiles and jumps off the counter. “Just food for thought.”

  Food for thought? “Poppy, don’t get me wrong, you’d have to be blind and deaf not to be attracted to him. He’s incredibly sweet and funny and easy to talk to, but I’m with Hank. I won’t cheat on him, that’s not why I came out here.” There I said it. She walks into the living room and sits on the unique purple couch. I follow her and sit down next to her. “Did you hear me?”

  “Of course I heard you,” she says and twists her body to face me. “Call Hank and dump him.”

  I start to laugh and lightly shake my head. “What? You’re crazy, I can’t do that. I won’t do that. No, no way.”

  “Fine. Well, listen. I was talking to Nate before and he said that Fitz is going to be calling you. Nate said Fitz had a surprise for you. Just thought I’d give you a heads up,” she says and turns back to look at the TV.

  “Wait, what? What could Fitz have for me?” I ask, completely taken back by this.

  “Girl, I don’t know. Nate didn’t say and he probably doesn’t know. This is out of the norm for Fitz, so your guess is as good as mine.” She doesn’t look at me, but continues to stare at the TV.

  “Poppy, can I tell you something and it stays between us?” I ask with my stomach in knots.

  She turns to face me and even mutes the TV. “Of course you can.”

  “I don’t know if it’
s a good idea for me to accept any surprise from Fitz,” I say and chew my lip.

  “Why not?” she questions.

  I glance up, hoping that maybe if I don’t see her face I won’t feel like such an asshole. “Well, I felt things last night with Fitz, things that I shouldn’t be feeling.” This is too much, I am such a damn fool.

  Poppy grabs my hand and I stare down at her. She gives me a smile and says, “Brooklyn, I think it’s great. You’re craving things, things that Hank can’t and won’t give you. Fitz is a good guy. Not everyone sees it or thinks so, but they don’t know the real Fitz.”

  “I’ll never cheat, Poppy,” I say crossing my arms.

  “No one is asking you to. If fantasizing about someone is cheating, well I guess I cheat all the time. There is nothing wrong with enjoying yourself and there are plenty of ways to enjoy yourself without having sex.” She pulls me in for a hug and I rest my head on her shoulder. “Well, I’m not sure what those ways are, but I’m sure they’re fun.”

  We both laugh and she pulls back. “Thanks. I guess you’re right. I like being around him or at least I did last night. There’s nothing wrong with having a guy as a friend, right?”

  “Right. Now please get your ass in the shower, you reek of Fitz’s cologne,” she says and pushes me away from her.

  She’s right, I do smell like him and damn I wish I could remember exactly how close we were for that to happen. I lightly shake my head to clear it and tell her I’m going to shower. I get clean clothes, my clothes, and take a long, hot shower. The longer the water beats on me, the better I start to feel. Once I’m clean and smelling of coconuts again, I get out of the shower. Putting on my bra and panties I giggle. Poppy says I need new ones something I’d never given it much thought before, but she may be right. These are old and definitely not something I’d want anyone else to see.

  I pause with my tank top in my hand and look down at myself again. Why would that thought enter my mind? No one is going to see these or any new ones I get. I push that thought down with everything else and pull on my pale green tank and jean shorts. Make my way to Poppy’s guest room, and sit in front of the mirror. I blow dry my hair and pull it up into a pony tail, exactly how I would do it at home. I put on minimal makeup, just mascara and lip gloss. Once I’m done I look at myself in the full length mirror and frown. Last night I felt so good about myself, I felt sexy and today, well today I feel like Brooke from California. I’m starting to think I don’t like her so much anymore.

  I roll my eyes and go out into the living room. I stop short when I hear voices coming from the kitchen. Without even seeing, I know one of them is Fitz. I’d know that voice anywhere. It’s deep, throaty and demands your full attention. Fuck, I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t look like I did last night and I have no doubt that when he sees me like this he will realize he wasted his night on me.

  Just as I turn to rush back to the bedroom, Poppy sees me. “Oh good Brooklyn, I was just coming to get you.”

  I close my eyes and try to find enough confidence to turn around. When I do, I’m greeted by her huge smile. “Oh, why? What’s up?” I ask feeling like such an idiot.

  Nate and Fitz join Poppy in the living room and I want to crumble to the ground. Fitz looks even hotter than he did last night, which I thought wasn’t possible. He’s got on a black button down shirt, but he’s not wearing it like any guy I’ve known. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, the shirt is untucked and the top few buttons are open, hinting at just a bit of skin. He’s got on jeans, similar to last night that are worn and I know now that is on purpose. His short hair is a mess on top of his head, yet it looks so damn sexy. Of course, here I am looking like just any ordinary girl. Nothing about how I look right now stands out. My hair is in a damn pony tail. Ugh, I want to crawl into a ball and hide.

  “Morning, Brooklyn,” Fitz says and my pussy builds with a need I’m not familiar with.

  I gaze at him for a second longer before directing my attention at the hard wood floors. “Good morning.”

  “Ouch. Oh, Brooklyn, Nate and I are going to grab coffee. You want your usual?” Poppy asks and I snap my head to her with wide eyes. She’s rubbing her arm and I figure someone punched her playfully. I just don’t know which one. I don’t say anything, what can I say? She’s doing this on purpose to get me and Fitz alone and I’m too nervous for that. Still staring at her, she giggles and grabs Nate’s hand. “Oh okay. I’ll just get your usual. Be right back.”

  That’s it, she just leaves. She leaves and I’m standing like a fucking idiot in the living room with Fitz staring at me. He’s probably hoping they get back as fast as I am. He starts to move closer to me and my stomach gets that nervous, excited feeling. Like butterflies times a thousand. I feel like I should run and hide, but I’m unable to move. It’s part fear, part curiosity.

  I see his sneakers nearly touching mine and smell his strong cologne enveloping me. His fingers touch my chin and he lifts my head to look at him. “Don’t get shy, I’m the same guy I was last night.” I try to nod my head, but he’s still got my chin in his fingers. “I’m going to hug you, alright?” He doesn’t wait for me to agree, he just wraps his solid arms around me and holds me close. My arms instinctively wrap around his waist and he kisses the top of my head. “Much better. You look beautiful this morning.”

  I lift my head off of his chest, even though I’d love to keep it there and look at him shaking my head. “No I don’t. I just look.” I pause for a minute thinking of exactly how to put it, before I continue, “ordinary.”

  He laughs, softly, and it vibrates throughout my body. “Brooklyn, you are anything but ordinary.” He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead, leaving them there a bit longer than he probably should. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it.

  I finally pull away, because as much as I want to stay wrapped in his arms, I’m with Hank. “Thank you,” I say and cross my arms, while biting my lip.

  He clears his throat and I look at him. “I was going to call you, but Nate wanted to stop by so I tagged along. I want to take you somewhere today, a surprise, but first we need to go to the studio. What do you say?”

  I should say no. I should say I’m with Hank. I should say that taking me somewhere is probably the worst idea ever, because I’m terrified of what will come of it. What do I say? “I’d love that.”

  I’ve heard people say that you can see someone smile with their eyes, but I never understood what it meant. Right now, looking at his blue eyes shine with complete happiness, I totally understand. A slow grin spreads across his face and he does something that I swear other people probably would just ignore, he winks at me. For the life of me I can’t understand why I find it such a turn on, but I do.

  “Great. So how are you feeling this morning?” he asks as he makes his way over to the couch. He sits down and rests his arms on the back, resting his right foot on his left knee. He’s so relaxed, so laid back. I’m envious.

  I walk toward the couch and sit at the complete opposite end from him. I want to crawl up next to him, rest my head on his chest, but instead I continue to be the good girl I’ve always been. Briefly looking up at him, before looking down at my hands I say, “Better than I did when I first woke up.”

  He chuckles and I sneak a quick peek, greeted by his smile. It’s hard not to smile looking at his. “Well considering how trashed you got, I’m surprised you are up and moving.” Christ, how embarrassing. My face heats up and the cushion next to me dips from him sliding over. “Brooklyn, you are so damn cute when you blush like that.”

  I close my eyes and let myself enjoy the attention I’ve always craved from Hank. Shit, Hank. “Fitz, you know we can only be friends right?” I ask, even though in my head I’m screaming for so much more.

  “Brooklyn, I’m not pushing you to do anything. I know you’re with Hank, I get that. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but that’s because I think you deserve a hell of a lot more.” He wraps his a
rm around me and I rest my head on his chest. “Friends it is.” He doesn’t let go, in fact he tightens his hold. I don’t pull away, I sink into him and inhale his manly scent. It feels good, too good. I close my eyes and just for a second let myself pretend I belong here.

  The door opens letting me know Poppy and Nate are back. I pull away from him so fast that I fall off the couch, landing on my ass. “Holy shit, Brooklyn, are you alright?” Fitz asks, jumping up to help me off the floor.

  I don’t accept his help though, I pick myself up and shake my head. “I’m fine.” I start walking away and mumble, “Excuse me.”

  Closing myself in the bedroom, I glance out the window at the bustling city around me. What the hell am I doing? Maybe I should just cut this trip short and go back to what I know, where I actually do belong. Being here for just one day, has my head all messed up. I’m thinking things I shouldn’t be, feeling things I definitely shouldn’t be and doing nothing but embarrassing myself in the process.

  A light knock on the door makes my stomach drop. “Hey Brooklyn, it’s me,” Poppy says and I tell her to come in. She walks over to me and rests her head on my shoulder. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Not really.” I say, keeping my focus outside.

  She doesn’t push me, she simply nods her head. “You know I’d never push you to do anything right? Like if you aren’t comfortable with something, all you need to do is tell me.”

  I move to the side and she straightens herself. I cross my arms and raise my eyebrows. “Oh really, because last night when I said I didn’t want to do that shot, you were just as bad as everyone else. You know I’m not used to this shit. I mean, my God, I’m sitting in your living room wrapped around a fucking rock star.”