by S. L. Naeole
By the time the game had ended, Heath hadn’t scored a single point, and Newark’s three digit score had the newspapers buzzing with talk about world records and professional potential. All I could see was Graham sitting on the bench with his head in his hands, all of his college football dreams seemingly wiped out by one determined defensive lineman.
As the crowd got up to leave and head on over to the carnival, I headed towards the locker room. I couldn’t get the image of Graham’s dejected face out of my mind. I saw Lark and Stacy watch as I left, disapproval plain on their faces, but I simply couldn’t leave him to wallow in his misery alone. I was his friend, and he had chosen to be mine. I couldn’t throw that choice back in his face.
Robert isn’t going to like this.
I shrugged my shoulders as I kept on walking. Robert isn’t here. He stood me up. I’m not going to worry about him right now. Graham’s hurting and I cannot ignore that and let him do it alone.
I heard the dual resigned sighs and the echoing of footsteps as the two followed me. I smiled and waited. “Thanks, guys.”
Stacy grimaced. “I don’t know why you feel the need to comfort the Princess. He’s probably just going to blame the other team and whine like a baby.”
Lark shook her head. “No, he’s not.” Those three words caused Stacy’s mouth to hang open in shock.
As we walked towards the locker room that reeked of loss and defeat, I saw a familiar face. Iris Hasselbeck, Graham’s mother, stood outside, waiting for her son, a thin line of irritation the only hint that a mouth existed on her face. “Hi, Mrs. Hasselbeck,” I called out to her.
She turned to stare at me, her face filled with mild shock. “Oh, hello Grace. I didn’t expect to see you here. Did you come to see Graham, too?”
“We all did,” Lark responded, holding her hand out to Iris. “I’m Lark Bellegarde, and this is Stacy Kim. We’re friends of Graham’s.”
I turned to gawp at Lark’s comment. She had said it, which meant I couldn’t refute it, but when did the two of them become friends with Graham?
“Well, that’s nice. I’m glad to know that he’s been able to keep some pretty girls around,” Iris said acerbically while looking at me, taking Lark’s hand in hers and smiling at the beautiful face that was so different from my own. Of course. She was upset at me because Graham broke up with Erica.
Both Lark and Stacy looked poised to attack, and Lark snatched her hand out from Iris’s grip when Graham walked out of the locker room entrance, his pads and helmet in one hand, his jersey in the other. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, and I allowed myself the opportunity to look at his bare chest. I felt the short intake of breath as I became aware of just how physically attractive Graham was.
It appeared I wasn’t alone. Stacy and Lark were both ogling—Lark through either mine or Stacy’s eyes, for sure, but ogling nonetheless—and I could see that Graham was quite pleased by that. He saw me and smiled. “So you brought your guard dog and your fashion coach. Where’s the warden?”
I rolled my eyes ignored his question. “We’re here to see how you were doing and to see if you wanted to go to the carnival with us. They’re going to be announcing the winner of the costume contest soon and I thought you might want to spend time with three Greek Goddesses instead of with thirteen jocks.”
Graham’s expression was one of skepticism, but also pleasure as he quickly handed his speechless mother his equipment and pulled on his jersey. It hung on his body, which made him appear much like the boy I would rather remember than the young man who had been standing there semi-unclothed. I shook my head to remove the thought from my mind and took his arm when he offered it to me.
He offered his other arm to Lark, probably because he knew Stacy would have refused. “Well, let’s go ladies,” he said, tossing a quick farewell to his mother as we walked past her, a smug smile on all of our faces. The four of us headed towards the large field that lay between the football and baseball fields. It was lit up with the bright lights from the midway and the various rides that were spinning, rolling, and flipping amid the screams of its riders. The smell of sugar and fried foods assailed the senses, and I became eager to hurry, my stomach rumbling from the lack of breakfast and lunch.
We found out that there was a few minutes left before the announcement of who had won the costume contest, so we rushed quickly to the stage that had been set up facing the school. There was a large crowd of costumed people both sitting and standing around the stage. Lark looked them over and smiled to herself. We’re the best dressed ones here. I’m fairly confident that we’ll win.
I cocked my head to the side and raised a lone eyebrow in mock surprise. Give it up, Lark. You already know who won, don’t you?
She nodded, her smile growing wider. “Graham, would you mind getting us something to drink?”
Graham, sputtering at the melodic way that Lark spoke, nodded and left. She watched him leave, her smile whimsical and carefree. “He’s handsome. I think it might be a good idea to bring him around more often, Grace.”
Stacy scoffed at that idea. “He’s nice to look at, sure. But he’s annoying. I can only handle him in small doses.”
“You seemed to have handled that large dose of pecs quite well,” Lark quipped.
I started giggling at the way Stacy’s face turned beet red. She stumbled for something to say but there really wasn’t much she could offer in way of an argument. Her thoughts gave her away. “Oh, I’m going to have to get used to this,” she moaned. I wrapped my arm around her shoulder in understanding.
“Shh. They’re going to announce the winner,” Lark hissed and waved her hand at us, trying to quiet us but succeeding in looking more like a bird high on caffeine.
Stacy and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes as our names were called. Lark couldn’t pretend she was surprised because she rarely was, so she didn’t. The audience was so mesmerized by her beauty, she was Aphrodite to them. Her angelic beauty, her grace, and her lilting voice had everyone so captivated; they didn’t seem to notice that she hadn’t used her walking stick. She accepted the prize and raced back down, nearly crashing into the two of us as we waited for her at the bottom of the stage.
Graham reappeared with bottles of water for us and then congratulated us on our win. “It was really Lark’s win,” I corrected, “She’s the one who designed and sewed the dresses. If she had made wigs, I think the rest of the competition would have simply dropped out. She made these, too.” I pointed to my sandaled feet.
He grunted his amazement, staring at her with puzzled eyes.
We started walking again, the four of us, Graham between Lark and I, while Stacy was on the other side of me. It must have made for an odd picture, the football player between three Greek goddesses. We played a few games and rode on the Ferris Wheel before Stacy started to worry about the time and what her parents would think if she showed up late wearing her Artemis dress. Lark sighed and I looked glumly at the cotton candy and caramel apples that seemed to be calling out my name. Maybe next time.
“I’ll take you home, Grace.”
Graham, although no mind reader, knew me too well. “I haven’t spent any time with you for the past few weeks. Come on, let’s have fun while your jailer is missing.”
I looked back at Lark, and her face showed no emotion. “You know he’s going to be upset about this, Grace…”
I looked away, not wanting to see her face as the thoughts ran through my head. Of course I knew that. But…I don’t really care right now. He knew what was happening today, and he didn’t show up. He didn’t tell either of us that he wasn’t coming. Graham is my friend and I’m not going to just leave him hanging because Robert cannot get a grip on his feelings.
“I think that’s a great idea, Graham,” I said grabbing his hand. “I’ll talk to you two later.” I waved at Stacy and Lark and pulled Graham towards the caramel apples. I didn’t look back, and I didn’t stop walking until we were standing in line.
“So,
I take it that you’re not exactly happy with your warden right now.”
I didn’t want to answer him. I was tired of having to choose sides at the moment and worry about trying not to hurt either of them. I just wanted to have fun. “Let’s just get some apples and ride the rollercoaster like we used to, okay?”
He grinned at me and nodded. We ate our sticky treats and walked the fairgrounds, content to talk about what we’d both been up to the past few weeks. He told me about his parents constantly fighting about money, and I told him about Janice putting the house on a health food kick because of an article she had read online. We both laughed at television shows we’d watched, and discussed class assignments we had left to complete.
Deciding that the hour was growing late, and still not having ridden the rollercoaster, he grabbed my hand and started pulling me towards the line, laughing the whole way about the first time we had rode it and I had thrown up. I missed this. I didn’t realize how much until now, how much Graham was a part of my new life as he was my old, and this time, I was the one keeping him out.
As we stood in line, my mind started racing through all of the emotions I felt and questions that I hadn’t dared to ask myself because I had been afraid of what the answers would be. What was I giving up to love Robert? He had asked me not to share my feelings with him, having wanted to be able to reciprocate, and so I had complied. But, holding them back was not as easy as it sounded when every time he touched my hand, my face, my hair, every time he brushed his lips against mine with his faint, yet intoxicating kisses, I wanted to burst out with the raw emotion that was damming up inside of me.
And just for the privilege of doing so, I had to watch as my best friend drifted further and further away. Graham had always been a part of my life; at least, the part that I could remember. His actions had torn us apart completely at the seams, but we had somehow mended it, although it had taken time, but how long until this patch gave out, too? And what would I have to show for it if it did?
Robert’s words about not being able to be everything I wanted him to be, about not being here when he finally got his wings, or when he received the call echoed in my mind. I was risking so much just for the opportunity to love him. Not to be loved, but just to love him, and I didn’t know if I could accept the answer to the question of whether or not it would be worth it.
“Well, I see you didn’t waste any time.”
The icy words tore me from my thoughts as I felt the hand on my shoulder tighten and pull be closer. I looked at who had spoken them and saw that Lark, Stacy, and I weren’t the only ones who had been dressed in Grecian form. She hadn’t been in class today and I hadn’t noticed.
“Hello, Erica,” I said through gritted teeth. She had on a dress similar to the one Lark had worn, long and flowing with a low neckline and even lower back. It had been cinched in at the waist with gold cord that had been wrapped twice around and tied, ending with golden tassels. But Erica didn’t come dressed as Aphrodite. No. She was the gorgon, Medusa, snake-draped head and all, and still unerringly beautiful.
“Robert isn’t here for one day and you go running back to your lapdog,” she sneered. “Robert’s wasted on someone like you. I wonder what he’d say about this…touching reunion. Or are you not going to tell him that you were here with your arms wrapped around each other? Perhaps I should go and find him and tell him the good news myself, eh?” Her smile was arrogant, the maliciousness in her eyes was clear. I wanted to scratch them out.
“Get lost, Erica. You’re not going to accomplish anything here except make yourself look like an idiot,” Graham ground out.
Her eyes seemed to light up with rage at the Graham’s remarks. She opened her mouth to speak, but Graham only continued. “Just so you know, Robert already knows that Grace is here. He told her to have fun tonight because he knew he wasn’t going to be able to be here with her. He knows that we’re just friends, and that he can trust her. So go ahead and tell him. If you think that doing so will give you a shot at him, I’ve got an ocean view apartment in Licking I’d like to sell you.”
I bit my lip to keep from laughing, not knowing whether it was the pain or the comment that caused the tears to spring in my eyes. I waved as Erica stormed off, knowing that wasn’t going to be the last I saw of her, but glad that, at least for tonight, it would be.
“You didn’t have to lie like that, Graham,” I said after Erica slithered away.
He shook his head. “I wasn’t lying—not much anyway. You can be trusted, Grace. I’ve always known that. And, well, we’ll never be anything more than friends. All he’d have to do to know that is to have watched how you were today, walking around school like a complete zombie without him there. I could hate him, you know, for being such an important part of your life that when he’s not there, even if it’s for one lousy, stupid day, you end up looking so miserable. But then I see your face when he is here, and I can’t be anything else but glad that someone has finally made you happy the way that I didn’t.”
And there it was. Graham had given me my answer. I looked at the rollercoaster that we had been standing in line for so long to ride, and it simply didn’t seem that important and necessary anymore. “Graham, could you take me home?”
He smiled and nodded. I wrapped my arm around his waist as we started walking towards the student parking lot. “Hey, remember when we were kids, and you would tease me about my teeth?”
I laughed. “Yeah. I called you Lispy the Rabbit because you thpoke with a lithpp but had teeth like a bunny.”
He guffawed. “Man, I used to hate when you did that. I felt so damn self-conscious about my teeth.”
“And then you got braces, and now the ladies all love to see you smile,” I chided.
“Even your friend?”
I raised my eyebrows, curious at his question. “Which one?”
His smile grew soft, almost wistful. “Lark.”
“Lark?” I snorted. “You’re interested in Robert’s sister?”
He straightened his smile, all humor gone from his face. “No. I was just wondering, that’s all.”
I smiled a knowing smile, and hugged this new piece of information to myself. If he had feelings for Lark, that would definitely add a twist to the dynamic of my relationship with Robert. It could ease his mind about Graham once and for all or it could only intensify his disapproval.
As we approached the car, I saw something move in the shadows of the school building. I stiffened in fear. Had Erica decided to await us at the car to continue her tirade? Was she plotting something worse? Graham, having felt the sudden change in my mood, dropped his arm from me and pushed me behind him. “Who’s there?” he called out.
The moon was high in the sky, and as if on cue, its light cast down as the person emerged from the shadows. “Oh God—Robert.”
He looked so striking standing there in the moonlight. His midnight hair looked almost silver and his eyes were—they were full of sadness.
“Robert,” I whispered as I heard his thoughts, heard the silent accusations, heard his heart breaking in my mind. “Robert, this isn’t what it looks like.”
Graham stepped away from me, thankfully knowing that this moment wasn’t one that he belonged to. I took a step towards Robert, and then another, my hand reaching out to him, pleading for him to stay.
Robert, please. Listen. Look, look through my mind, please.
I continued until I became lost in the enclosed darkness of the school, my hands reaching out for him. Part of me said to turn around and go back to where the light was still shining, where Graham was still standing, but my heart pulled me forward. I was drawn, like a lodestone, towards the only thing that could make me leave. I plunged onward through the blackness, feeling the slide of walls and doors, walking through them, not knowing where they led, but knowing that they were taking me somewhere I needed to be.
Robert. Robert where are you?
I could feel him, even if I couldn’t see him. I could feel him in my
mind, searching. He would know, he would see. I kept telling myself that, because it was the only way I knew that I wouldn’t lose him. I couldn’t lose him. I stumbled over something that was blocking my path and fell to the floor, smacking my elbow on the cold tile.
Picking myself back up, I continued on, rubbing my throbbing arm, sometimes tripping over my own feet as one of the laces on my sandals came undone and flapped beneath me while I walked. I finally saw the shadow of a figure standing in the middle of the hallway, his body outlined by the pale sliver of moonlight that broke through the glass window of a door directly behind him, his glow dark, almost black in appearance. I recognized the door. We were in front of the registrar’s office.
“Robert, thank goodness. Why are we here?” I huffed; tired from walking through the maze he had pulled me through, but glad for the privacy that he’d provided for our reunion.
He didn’t move. He didn’t say anything at all. I continued to walk towards him, reaching my hand out, desperate to touch him, to smell him, feel his breath on my skin—but he held his hand up to stop me. It was a stiff, jerky movement—it was a movement I had seen before. It was a movement that asserted nothing but rejection. It was one that I was all too familiar with, and my blood turned to ice water. I had not been led here for a reunion. There would be no happy kisses, or warm embraces. He had not listened to my pleas, hadn’t searched my mind at all. It hadn’t been him. He saw only Graham with his arm around me, my arm around him, and our laughter. I could see it in his eyes.
And I laughed. It was a hysterical outburst that quickly turned inside of itself and became something else: A painful, quiet laugh tinged with irony and misery and hurt. How easy it had been for him, to lose all faith in me, while I had been struggling to find fault. Graham had said that I could be trusted. He knew that I could because he knew me, loved me. But Robert couldn’t—he couldn’t trust me because…