I tensed all over again.
Gui ran his hand up and down my back, making me shiver. “Relax,” he whispered, close to my ear.
Relax with him so close in a place like this? I had no idea how I still hadn’t broke down in the most terrible panic attack in the history of panic attacks.
He pulled back and looked into my eyes. With his palm flat on the small of my back, he pushed me closer, making me straddle one of his legs and my breasts to squish against his chest. I stopped breathing as he moved his hips side to side, more vigorously this time, taking my hips with his.
I laid my head on his chest, with my forehead nestled in the crook of his neck, and my ear over his heart. It beat hard and fast, almost as hard and fast as mine. For some reason, that brought me a little satisfaction and I was able to relax a little bit.
I moved to the rhythm of the music, brushing my body against Gui’s. Nothing fancy—I wasn’t ready for that—but bold enough for me to feel almost like my old self. Almost.
After a few minutes, I felt confident, secure. I twirled once, twice. On the third time, Gui’s hand shot out and grabbed my waist and pulled me back to him, my back to his chest. His hand slid to my stomach, his fingers opened wide, and he pushed a little more. Something long and hard pressed against the small of my back. Realizing what that was, I sucked in a sharp breath and jumped away from him.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. A guy. Touching me. Desire. Strange people around me. Kissing. Laughter. Loud music. Bright lights. Hard to breathe. Hard to stand. Hard to see.
“Hey, hey,” a voice said through the haze. “Hil, come back to me. It’s all right.” Gui reached out and clasped his hands around my upper arm. He pulled me a little closer and leaned down to look into my eyes. “You’re okay, Hil. Nothing is happening.” He shook his head once. “Breathe, Hil, breathe.” He inhaled and exhaled, showing me what to do. Dizzy, I followed his lead and did as he instructed. “I’m so, so sorry. I lost my mind for a minute. It’s just … you’re so amazing, so beautiful, so irresistible. But that’s no excuse. I know. I should have better control over myself. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak, because I was sure I would scream if I did. Instead, I just nodded, accepting his apologies.
“Want to go back to the VIP area?”
I shook my head. “I want to go home.”
His shoulders drooped and I swear he flinched as if I had slapped him. “Okay. I can take you home.”
Gently, I disentangled myself from him. “No. I’ll take a cab. I’m sorry.”
I turned and dashed through the crowd, yelping each time someone bumped into me. Outside, I inhaled deeply, as if I had emerged from underwater after hours fighting for fresh air. Shaking, I hailed a cab.
At my apartment, I started getting undressed as soon as I closed the front door, throwing each piece of clothing on my path, as if I were throwing them into a bonfire. I went directly to the bathroom and sank into the bathtub. Then, I opened the faucet. I suppressed a yelp when the cold water hit me, but thought I deserved it for being so stupid. Then, the hot water replaced it and I sank into it, hoping I could drown my worries, all my fears, all my sins.
Chapter Nineteen
Sleep evaded me. I stayed curled in bed, replaying each moment, each gesture, and each action that happened at the club. Everything, from the moment we arrived, to dancing with Gui, and then leaving alone.
I thought I was going to have a panic attack; I was sure of it. I cried on the cab ride home, but the soaking in the bathtub helped. Then there was the ice cream. And after an hour of tossing and turning in bed, I got up and made tea, to see if that would calm me down enough to sleep. No go. It was almost five in the morning and I still hadn’t closed my eyes.
I couldn’t. With my eyes open, I replayed what had happened. With my eyes closed, I felt it all again. Gui’s hand on me, his body pressed against mine, his breath on my neck, his erection …
I sat up, frustrated. What did I have to do to get some sleep? I wasn’t in the right mind to read or even watch a movie … but maybe I could put on the TV. Maybe the background sound would help me sort through my thoughts. Or at least numb them.
I grabbed my phone from the nightstand, and while walking to the living room, I glanced at the screen. There were several messages and calls from Gui, Hannah, and Bia.
Where are you?
Why did you leave?
What happened?
Are you okay?
I stopped reading them.
As I lay on the couch and turned on the TV, my phone vibrated with a new message—a voice message from Gui.
I stared at it, wondering what to do. I could delete it and forget about it, but that would be acting like a kid and I wasn’t a kid.
Taking a deep breath, I put the phone to my ear and listened to the message.
“Hil, I know you’re mad at me, and with good reason, but please don’t shut down. Don’t shut me out. You’ve made amazing progress these past few weeks, and I would hate myself if because of one moment, one mistake of mine, you threw all that away.” He paused. “I’m standing outside your door, wondering if I should knock. I need to make sure you’re okay. I need to make sure you made it home okay, but I’m too afraid of knocking and you ignoring me.” He paused again. “You’re amazing. I know I’ve said this more than once, but you are. I know you don’t believe me and that was something I planned on working on. Your confidence. Your belief in yourself. Because, Hil, you’ve got it all, and once you lower your guard, you’ll see I’m right. You’re perfect, Hil.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway … please, call your sister, or send her a text letting her know you’re okay. She was worried sick when I told her you left. I ran after you, and even though I saw you entering the cab safely, I am worried sick too.” He paused again. “Okay. So, talk to you soon. I hope.”
The message ended and I stared at the front door. He said he was at my door. Was he still here?
Without thinking, I stood from the couch, walked to the front door, and opened it. And there he was, seated on the floor, his back to the wall across the hallway from my door. He looked tired, disheveled, and incredibly sexy.
Gui jumped to his feet, his eyes on me. And what I saw made my heart ache. Concern, guilt, kindness, relief, sympathy. And something else I wasn’t sure I was seeing right.
“Hil, I—”
Something snapped in me. I acted on that new, awoken feeling, and in two steps, I reached him, cupped his face with one hand, clutched his shoulder with the other, and on my tiptoes, I grazed my lips to his. I felt him stiffen under my palms, and his lips didn’t move with mine.
Shock and embarrassment began its trip around me—had I misread everything?—but then he woke up from whatever daze he had fallen into. He leaned down, giving me better access to his mouth, wound his arms around me, pulled me closer, and finally moved his lips with mine, taking control.
His kiss was gentle, tentative. It was as if he was afraid that if he pushed too far, I would jump off. And I still could, but right now … right now I wanted more. I teased his tongue with mine, and he groaned, deepening the kiss. He backed me up until we were inside my apartment, then he kicked the door closed. He spun me around, pushing me against the door. I yelped in surprise, until his body molded over mine, his hard parts pressing against my soft ones, one hand on my hips, the other on my nape, urging me to give more. And more. I moaned.
It had been so long since I last felt like that. Correction. I had never felt like this. I had had a few dates with a couple of guys from my high school, and kissed a few, even thought about going further, but never acting on it. It never felt right. It never felt this way.
My head spun, my body buzzed, my blood pumped.
His mouth left mine and I took a deep inhale, as if I had been underwater for too long. But my relief was short lived as his lips traveled from my mouth to my jaw, leaving a searing trail I was sure would never wash off. His breathing was hard in my ear and, sliding b
oth hands down, he gripped my hips and pulled me to him. His hard-on was more than evident, and for a brief millisecond, I panicked. I really did. But then, I closed my eyes and pressed my hand over his heart and paid attention to the beat under my palm and the breath on my neck, and I reminded myself of the way he looked at me, the way he cared about me, the things he said. He grazed his teeth on the soft part of my neck and I moaned again.
Without warning, Gui slammed his mouth on mine again, and this time, his kiss was more urgent, as if he had to taste me before I melted away.
And I did melt away.
I placed my hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him away. “Slow,” I whispered. “Slow down, please.”
Without hesitation, he stepped back, but his hands were still on my hips. “Claro. Of course.” He looked into my eyes, a shine of concern in them. “Are you okay?”
It seemed the question he asked me most.
“I think so,” I said. “But I need to slow down.” I walked around him, putting some distance between us. “Give me a minute, please.”
He gave me a minute and more. He stood there, in front of the door, while I paced in my living room.
Inside me, I battled so many emotions, so many thoughts and actions. I was elated by Gui. More than that, I was dazed and dazzled. I was surprised I had kissed him first, and even more surprised that he had reciprocated it. More than that, he had kissed me as if he had been planning it for a long time. The idea made me giddy, nervous, happy, and scared, all at the same time.
My heart beat fast and my hands shook.
Until a few seconds ago, my mind had been blocked against even kissing a guy. Thinking beyond that? I couldn’t. I still couldn’t. If I tried, the memories rushed forward, taking over my thoughts, and panic set in.
I hadn’t given in to panic at the club, and I hadn’t given in to panic after kissing Gui.
I wouldn’t give in to panic now.
After a long while, he finally spoke. “Please, talk to me, Hil.”
Taking a deep breath, I forced those thoughts away.
“I’m sorry, Gui, but I need more time to process this,” I whispered, afraid of his answer.
Surprising me, he nodded. “I understand.” Then he took a couple of steps toward me and took my hand in his. “I just want you to know that—what just happened here.” He gestured to the door behind him. “I don’t regret it. In fact, I hope it happens again.”
Blood rushed to my cheek, and I felt hot.
Staring at my eyes, he kissed my hand with soft lips, and then left the apartment, closing the door behind him.
I just stood there, gaping at the door and wondering if I had heard him right.
***
“I have something to show you,” I said, leaning forward in my chair and handing the piece of paper to my therapist.
With a wary frown, she took it. Her eyes scanned the paper and her eyebrows shot to her hairline. “Oh, wow. I didn’t expect this. And so fast.”
“Me neither,” I whispered.
I had called Dr. Walker’s office in the early morning and, thankfully, her assistant was able to add me to her schedule for late afternoon. So, I came over right after work.
“You braved horse riding.” She raised one finger. “Fear of horses? Check.”
“I didn’t ride alone.”
“Not yet, but still, riding horses even with someone else is progress.” She raised a second finger. “You went on a helicopter ride. Fear of heights? Check.” She raised a third finger. “You went out to a club. Fear of crowds and clubbing? Check.” Another finger went up. “And you kissed a guy! That is great!”
It had felt great then. I didn’t feel too great now.
Sunday morning, I had sent texts to my sister and Bia, because, as their several texts said, they wanted to make sure I was all right. I wasn’t all right, but they didn’t need to know that. Gui also sent a couple of messages during the day, checking in. I didn’t answer him, though. I didn’t know what to say to him. I was afraid of bumping into him in the elevator or parking garage at our building, because I didn’t know what to think about what happened.
“Tell me about it,” Dr. Walker said.
I gaped. “About what?”
“About the boy and the kiss. Do you like him?”
I cringed. “It isn’t that simple.”
“Ah, of course not. Nothing is simple.”
“It’s just … I’m not sure about it.”
“It? The kiss?”
“No. Yes. I mean, everything.” I sighed. “I … I like him, more than I should, but I don’t know about his real feelings. And I don’t want to know. I’m not ready for that. What if I’m just one of his conquests? What if he kissed me back because I’m a female and I was available? Worse, what if he really likes me too? He’s the cousin of my sister’s fiancé. We’re practically family. We can’t date. I can’t have feelings for him, and he can’t have feelings for me.”
“We don’t choose whom we fall in love with.”
My mouth fell open. “I’m not in love with him.”
“I didn’t mean to imply that. Let me rephrase. You can’t choose whom you’ll be attracted to.”
“But I can choose to ignore it.”
“Yes, you can. But do you really want to?”
“I just said he’s like family!”
“He is the first male you’ve felt attracted to since the day Eric made you distrust all other men on this Earth. And apparently, he has been good to you; he has been there for you, which tells me he cares for you, maybe as much as you care for him. I don’t think the fact that he’s the cousin of your sister’s fiancé will be too much trouble.”
“It would be if we started dating.” I gulped, still not sure how I was able to say these words out loud. “Then broke up and had to face each other at family reunions and parties. Besides, he’s in my friends group right now. If we broke up, I would probably stop hanging out with my friends, making me sink deeper into my fears. I’ll be miserable.”
“And do you think it’ll be easier to hang out with him knowing there could be more between you two, but you didn’t even want to try?”
“That’s the thing. We’re here talking about a relationship I’m not even sure exists. That kiss might have meant nothing for him.”
Dr. Walker raised one eyebrow at me. “Are you sure?”
“What?”
“Are you sure the kiss meant nothing to him?”
The memory of his mouth on mine, his body pressed against mine, his hands on me invaded my mind and heated my body. My cheeks flamed at the same time my hands shook.
“I don’t know,” I muttered. “I’m so confused.”
Dr. Walker left her chair to sit beside me. She took my hand into hers. “I know trusting your heart with a man, even one you know and trust, might be too hard for you right now. But you’re going in the right direction. You’re stronger than you think you are. Just don’t overthink each one of your actions and feelings too much. Let them happen. They might surprise you, in a good way.”
Chapter Twenty
The girls and I were in one of the huge, fancy fitting rooms at the studio. Even Gabi had arrived last night. She had come to try on her dress, and she would stay a few days before returning to Brazil.
The room was a large rectangle with white leather sofas in the middle, four dressing stalls on each side, each with a booth and tall mirror, a floor-to-ceiling mirror taking over the entire back wall, and a short, round podium lined with white carpet in front of it.
Hannah stood on the podium, tears in her eyes as she looked at her reflection in the mirror.
“I hope those are happy tears,” I said from behind her.
She nodded, unable to speak.
Around us, Lauren, Iris, Bia, and Gabi stared at Hannah, also with tears in their eyes.
A knock echoed from the door. A second later, the door opened and Sonya walked in, bringing a tray with a champagne bottle and crystal flutes.
Her eyes widened as she saw my sister. “Wow, Miss Taylor, that is beautiful!”
“Thank you,” Hannah and I said together.
After Sonya left, the girls put on their dresses. Taking turns on the podium, the girls chatted happily, admiring themselves and talking about their expectations for the party. Catching me off guard, Gabi sneaked beside me.
“E aí, guria, how are you?”
I offered her a small smile. “I’m good. And you?”
“I’m better now that I’m here.”
“I’m glad you were able to come. I was really worried you would arrive only a few days before the wedding, and we would have gotten some measurement wrong and your dress would be all messed up.”
“That would have been terrible.” She looked down at her delicate, yellow dress. “It’s so beautiful.”
“Thank you. But it’s not finished yet. It’ll look even better.”
“I’ve always heard about your talent, and now I can say nobody lied to me. You’re truly amazing.”
My heart squeezed. She called me amazing, which reminded me of her brother calling me amazing. I had managed to avoid him so far, but I wouldn’t be able to keep avoiding him forever.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “That’s an exaggeration.” She stared at me, her bright blue eyes so like her brother’s, shining with mischief. “How’s Brazil?”
She rolled her eyes. “The same.”
“Is it so bad? To live there, I mean?”
“Of course not, but …” She sighed. “There’s just my parents and me now, and it isn’t the same, you know. I grew up with Gui and Leo and Bia and Ri and Pedro, like they all are my brothers and sister, and now they are all gone. It sucks to be there, left alone.”
When she put it that way, I understood why she wanted to come live here so badly. “Sorry.”
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