‘I cannot shoot myself though’ she sobbed, her emotions getting the better of her, ‘It would hurt.’
‘You wouldn’t feel a thing’ I said, lifting the barrel of the gun to her mouth. ‘As long as you do it right. Open your mouth, and put the barrel right to the back of your throat and aim at the sky.’ I put my finger over hers as she hovered over the trigger, ‘There’s no bullet in the gun, just press the trigger, it would be instant, you wouldn’t feel a thing, you need to be able to do it yourself.’ After a few seconds, there was a click as she pulled the trigger, she removed the gun from her mouth and gave it back to me. I gave her a cuddle and tried to change the subject to something a bit more suitable, Ella the elephant was in need of some tender loving care. I should probably tell you a little bit about the history of Ella as Emma and the elephant have been inseparable for the past three years. Ella had been my favourite cuddly toy as a child and had gone everywhere with me. When Jane died and I brought Emma back to my farm, my mum found Ella and thought Emma would like her, and they have never spent a night apart since. She’s a bit worn now with one eye a bit loose, but she’s been worth the weight of her blue fur in gold. When the downpour had moved over, we left the trailer heading for George and June’s farm. It was very cold, there was a bit of rain in the sky, and the ground was hard and scorched. I found the walk much more mentally straining than any previous journey I had made, I didn’t know what to do with Emma, I had to make sure she wasn’t seen. In the end I settled on her walking directly behind me in case we met anyone on the road, I was always looking, searching, making sure to check every possibility. If we did meet someone, I wanted to be in control of the situation and know exactly where she was. Emma found the walk particularly hard, I tied a piece of rope around my waist with the length trailing behind me, she would hold onto it helping her to keep up, and I could tell if she was there without looking. But our speed was significantly slower, around half what Roy and I were walking. I found the right speed for her through a bit of trial and error, whenever she couldn’t keep to my pace she would let go of the rope, after a bit of stop starting we found the speed she could keep to. The first obstacle we faced was the adventure park which loomed into view after a few miles of fields, the design of the park was mostly foliage, which had been burnt away, leaving long and winding paths with burned out attractions. We had visited the park on many occasions, living that locally, so I knew it like the back of my hand. It’s always busy with children running around, having fun, it seemed surreal walking through it when it was deserted. I knew where the different food halls were, and we headed towards the nearest one. When I got there, I found the buildings metal security shutters were pulled down with a padlock on the handle. I took my crowbar off its attachment, and put it through the metal chains, I turned the crowbar until it put pressure on the links, and they began to burst. ‘Don’t do that dad, someone might see you’ said Emma.
‘There’s nobody around.’
‘There might be, you don’t know, I don’t like you doing that, you might end up getting into trouble.’
‘I’m not going to get into trouble’ I said, as the last link snapped and I pulled the chain length through the handle, I rolled the shutters up and looked in through the glassless window.
‘Is the door locked’ she asked, still looking a bit nervous.
‘It’s locked, but we are going to climb in through the window.’
‘Are you sure we won’t get into trouble dad?’
‘I’m sure’ I said, climbing through. ‘There’s nobody left to tell us off.’ When I had got in, I turned around to face her and put my arms through the window frame. ‘Give me your hands and I will lift you through.’
‘Why are you breaking in? What do you want from in there.’
‘Something, I will show you.’ I lifted her in and we walked into the main room, it was just how it had been left, the inside protected from the nuclear winds. I took my rucksack off and put it on a table, pulling the chair out so Emma could sit down. I got hold of her hands, they were freezing, so I tried to warm them with my hands, but they were equally cold. She was shivering, so I told her how well she was doing, while wrapping her up in a large blanket from my rucksack. I went off into the kitchen area and came back with my hands full of bars of chocolate and cans of fizzy pop. ‘I told you I had a reason to come in here’ I said, handing her a chocolate bar and a can of lemonade.
‘You did daddy’ she replied, with a look of excitement on her face. ‘Can I have it now, I haven’t had any chocolate for ages.’
‘Of course you can.’
‘You know, you didn’t leave me any chocolate in the shelter, none at all.’
‘Did I not?’ I laughed. After she had finished the chocolate bar, she asked for another, so I told her she should save it.
‘It’s for Ella, not me.’
‘Oh, of course’ I said, giving her another bar, I packed the other ones into my rucksack and we headed back out. For the first couple of hours I had to carry her, but with the conditions and the weight, it finally got too much for me and I had to put her down to walk. Bless her she didn’t complain, and she kept hold of the rope as well as she could. When we finally moved past the Pentland hills forest to the right of the A702, I could finally breath a bit easier, believing we had moved away from the threat of cannibalism I had witnessed in the woods, and the wild dogs. I listened intently for any sign of the dogs, until we were well past the forest, where Roy and I had the altercation, I had to be prepared for the fact they might be more tempted to go for a child, if they were desperate for food. I felt the strain on the rope drop off, so I turned around to face Emma, ‘What are you doing?’
‘I dropped Ella.’
‘Oh right, have you got her? Grab hold of the rope.’
I turned back around and started to continue forwards when I noticed a group of people in the field ahead.
‘Get down Emma’ I shouted, hitting the deck myself, the wet mud and ash splashed up at my face. I didn’t know if they’d seen us or not, they were a long way away, I didn’t know how many of them there were, maybe thirty, too many for me to deal with. I quickly unclipped my rucksack and removed it from my back, putting it on the floor in front of me. I scrambled around in the ash and snow, turning my body around to see were Emma was. She was laid on her front, her eyes pinned on me. ‘Ella is over there daddy’ she said, pointing behind her.
‘Sshhh’ I said, ‘You are going to have to leave her for now.’
‘I cannot leave her on her own daddy.’
‘You are going to have to, grab hold of the rope and I will pull you over to me.’ She held on tight and I carefully guided her through the ash towards me. ‘We are going to have to move’ I said ‘They are walking this way, they’ll see us.’ I lifted my head up to gauge how far away they were, around sixty yards, and fast approaching. I don’t think they had seen us but we were sitting ducks if we didn’t move, the field we were lay in consisted of large open scorched areas with patches of long burnt grass, and we were lay in an open area. ‘We need to move now Emma, stay on your tummy and follow me.’
‘Okay daddy.’
I pushed my rucksack ahead of me while we crawled through the ash and snow towards the patch of foliage to our left, the dust was rising off the floor into my eyes, nose and mouth, I just hoped it didn’t alert anyone. As I arrived at the tall grey grass, I opened my rucksack and took out my Welrod, I kept it in my hand and lifted my head to see where they were, to my alarm they were only thirty yards away, and the group had doubled in size. The landscape ahead took a sharp dip, some of them must have been hidden beyond that. I had a better view of the group from here, they appeared to be similar in demeanour to the man we met on the road with the severed hand around his neck. They walked as though they had only just learnt, stumbling and lurching, shaking uncontrollably. I know I stated it before, but the
y did resemble the zombies from the day of the dead films, except they weren’t dead. They were communicating with each other, talking, shouting, that strange cackling laugh. If we just ran, would they actually be able to chase us? I wasn’t sure, but if we end up surrounded, we could be in trouble, and I had no idea how many of them were beyond my eye line. We stayed put, hidden as well as we could be, I pulled Emma right up next to me, so I could see her face and speak to her. The group were just yards away and we had to remain silent. ‘Listen Emma, you are going to have to be quiet, do you understand?’
‘I’m scared dad.’
‘I know you are love, so am I, but we have to be quiet now.’ I put my finger to my lips indicating to her to be quiet, she was sobbing, tears rolling down her face and dropping onto the ash floor. She closed her eyes and put her face into her folded arms, I could hear the footsteps as they staggered towards us. I gripped my gun in front of me, peering through the dead grass. Their feet scrapped through the grit and ash, crunching under their unsteady feet. I held my breath and prayed they would walk straight past, and the first few did. I listened intently for any sign of our position being compromised, but they continued to walk on. I looked at Emma, she was so brave, she didn’t move and remained silent until all the men had past. As the final few were approaching, I breathed in some ash through my nose, I knew as soon as it touched my nose hairs I was in trouble. I quickly pinched my nose, which stopped me sneezing, but the particles had already reached my throat, and there they sat, tickling. I tried to clear my throat quietly but I couldn’t get rid of it, if I didn’t, it would cause a coughing fit that would alert them. As the last few meandered past, it became too much, I let out a throat clearing cough, and then lifted my head to see if there was any response. The last man, trailing a few metres behind the group, stopped and turned to face our direction, as the rest of the group continued. I didn’t want to lift my head too high in case I was seen, but through the grass, I could just make out his figure as he started to walk towards us. I lifted my gun and aimed through the grass at his body, as he slowly came to a stop and bent down to pick something up. I strained to see what it was, he had Ella in his shaking hand. He looked at her, lifted her up to his nose and then back down. The other members of his group had all continued on their way, he turned around to look at them, and then turned towards us. After a few seconds he threw the cuddly toy back onto the floor and continued after the others. When the group had got a significant distance away, I told Emma to stay where she was while I went to get Ella for her. I knew this kind of thing would happen but she wouldn’t let me put Ella in my bag, she had to carry her. I scanned the area for any more men, and with the area clear I crept across the frozen ground with my gun in hand, to where Ella had been dropped. I picked her up and turned around to head back when I saw three men walking towards Emma, they must have been hidden by the dip when I set off, now they were no more than ten yards away from her. I ran across the hard ground towards them, Emma was still sat facing me, oblivious to the men behind her, as they approached I aimed at the nearest one and shot at him. The first bullet hit him in the arm and he screamed out loud, the second shot went straight through his head and he slumped to the floor. Slowing down to aim I shot the second man through the neck, Emma was screaming as his body hit the floor beside her. The third man was looking at me but he never spoke, he didn’t even acknowledge me as I lifted my gun, his eyes were blank and lifeless, he showed no human like behaviour. From a standing position, I shot him through the chest and he fell to the floor, screaming and writhing around on the floor. Worried the noise would alert the others, I put my final bullet in his head. Quickly, I clipped my rucksack back around my waist, picked Emma up and threw her over my shoulder. She was crying as I ran through the field, trying to get as far from the scene as possible. I ran for around ten minutes before I had to stop exhausted, I put her down on the floor and leaned over to look her straight in the eye. ‘Are you okay?’ I asked.
‘Yeah I think so, they never touched me, why did you shoot them? Were they bad men?’
‘Yes, they were.’
‘How do you know they were bad?’
‘I just do.’
‘Are you going to kill more people?’
‘Hopefully not, but probably.’
‘You will only kill bad people thought won’t you?’
‘Yeah, only bad people.’
I put my Welrod into my belt, I had fired the last bullet, but I still might need it to threaten someone. I will have to pick up some bullets from somewhere, it might be time for a visit to Bernards in Dumfries, who provides me with my 9mm ammo. Maybe George will fancy a trip down there, they would probably get on quite well, Bernard is the only man in England I would put my life on still being alive, in fact he would be thriving. I put Emma on a singed haystack and tried to make her more comfortable, she was wet and shivering after losing her blanket in the previous field. The snow had started to come down quite hard so I wrapped her in a dry towel and we used the plastic sheeting for cover as we walked. We managed to put in another four of five hours walking before the snow and rain started to hinder our visibility too much to continue. With so many rivers and streams on this side of the road, it probably helped us stay hidden, no one in their right mind would try and navigate them. Fortunately most of them had public footpaths alongside with bridges across, and on one occasion stepping stones. I needed a change of clothes for Emma desperately, I don’t think there will be many boys wearing purple jeans, but I’m not going to try until I get some distance away, most places nearby will be burnt out and treacherous. I will stick to the plan to reach George and June’s before any other decisions are made, and use it as a base to go out on my own for supplies, I don’t want to take Emma into any dangerous situations. I will have to think about what to say about Roy, he was popular with them, I could say he had died on route, or just be honest. It will take another days walk to reach their farm, I’ll think about it on route. The terrible conditions outside probably helped the rest of our days walking go off without incident, it soaked us to the skin but at least the cold wasn’t half as bad as I’ve experienced. We camped down in a derelict barn three miles from Dolphinton, in a building with just two sides and a roof. I put the plastic sheets down in the corner of the room and laid some blankets over the top. We took our clothes off and hung them up to dry on a dividing wall, we dried ourselves with the towels and then wrapped ourselves up in them. I made a fire outside the barn to warm some food up and bring some much needed heat to our bodies, I fried up some tinned beef ravioli and boiled some pasta. While I cooked the food, Emma took the bullet I had given her out of her pocket, and started to scratch something onto it with a nail she had found in the barn. When she had finished it, she showed me, proud of her artistic efforts. I rolled it around in the palm of my hand with my finger, she had scratched her name into it, and a flowery border around the top and bottom. Maybe I’m a bit biased, but it really was quite impressive. She always has enjoyed making things, I suppose getting her artistic side from me, although I lost interest in art when Jane died, I lost interest in most things. I gave it back to her and told her to keep it safe, I hope she never needs to use it, but if she does, she has made it her own.
‘You know your beard dad?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Are you going to keep it?’
‘I think so, it makes me look like that singer in your favourite boy band don’t you think?’
‘No, it looks silly and makes you look old.’
‘Old? Not just silly, it makes me look old too.’
‘Sorry dad but it does.’
‘I guess I’ll have to shave it off then.’
I expected questions from Emma about what had happened since the nuclear attack, now and then a few trickled out. ‘Why is it so cold outside?’
‘The war has brought about a nuclear winter, the conditions are going t
o be like this for some time.’
‘For how long?’
‘I don’t really know for sure, but I guess the planet will take years to recover, if it ever does.’
‘Why does everywhere look like its been on fire, if its so cold?’
‘The nuclear winter came after the initial explosions, we are within twenty miles of an impact zone, so everything around here burned.’
‘What are we going to do dad?’
‘I don’t know yet, I have some people who I trust, we will go there first.’
‘You said we would just wait in the shelter until it was safe to come out.’
‘I know I did, but things have happened I couldn’t predicted, things you wouldn’t understand.’
‘I would understand, I’m brainy.’
‘Yeah, you are brainy, but there are things even I don’t understand.’
‘Why don’t we go to Uncle Bernard’s? You said we could over the summer and never did.’
‘I know I did, we just never got time, but we might end up there, we made plans should something like this ever happen.’ She seems in good spirits considering the eye opening day she has had, taking everything in her stride, I suppose that’s what children do. As we ate, I could hear the sound of dogs howling, somewhere off in the darkness, so I knew Emma would hear them too. I didn’t want her to be afraid, she’s had enough to deal with, so when she asked me whose dogs they were, I told her they were wild but not dangerous. They are just protecting their own, like we do, if we stayed away from them, we would be fine. She fell asleep shortly after we ate, the long day finally catching up with her, I don’t know were she gets her energy from. I found Ella in my pocket, and put her in bed with her, wrapping them both up with the blankets, she is still fast asleep as I write up this entry. I feel like a should make a short statement about the death of Roy, a man I have spent the last few weeks with. We had been through so much together, and I don’t believe for one minute he had purposely put us in danger but that is what he did, and the moment it was done, I couldn’t trust him with my daughter. I couldn’t see a way around the situation he put me in, I felt I had no option. Other people may feel differently about it, but keeping Emma alive is my only concern. The same thing can possibly be said about the three men I killed in the field, I have no proof they were a danger, it was a gut reaction. The line between what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour has blurred over the past month, what I did today could be considered a war crime in fifty years time, I just hope anyone passing judgement on what I did will look at the full picture. I have been slightly taken aback by my willingness to kill, without a second thought. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not, and it’s certainly not a quality I knew I possessed before this war. In the past I have had to kill animals on the farm, which was distressing, particularly when they knew what was happening and panicked. I see things now in much the same cold hearted way, I suppose you learn new things about yourself, when you and the ones you love are put in dangerous and stressful situations.
Aftermath: The complete collection Page 15