“I’ve been living with the truth of this for some time now, and I’ve had the support of Jesse, then Rosa, and now you. The very people that Julia has counted on for support are the ones who screwed up her life. I feel so bad for her.
“The way I understand it, from what I heard from the rest of the group, some who have been here for months, by the way, it takes a while to start dealing with anything at a deep enough level where you start healing. Anyway, I think this group is going to help both of us so much.”
“I sure hope so, honey. Hmm…I’m thinking that if this therapy is going to last for several months, then maybe we should think about all of us going back to Houston and getting Julia into a hospital back there.”
“We could ask Dr. Anna, but I don’t think she will agree to it right now because Julia is still fragile, and we’d be taking her away from an area that’s familiar to her. I’d like nothing more than to get settled back home with you in Houston, but I can wait. Would you rather we rent a house here instead of living here? This place has got to be expensive.”
“I would really rather stay right here so we can be close by. And don’t worry about the expense, that’s no problem, unless you just want more room?”
I laughed, “Who me? I’m used to sharing my room with several other kids until recently, and I still had Rosa as a roommate. What about you? You’re used to living in a big mansion.”
“I’d like a little house again. Maybe not this small, but why do I need such a huge house in Houston? I think I’ll give it to Mark. You and Julia and I can get another house anywhere we want. How does that sound?”
“It amazes me that you could even talk about just giving away your house like you would talk about giving away a sweater.”
She laughed and hugged me. “Let’s think about all this later. I’m getting hungry, are you?”
“I’m starved. Can we eat here at the cafeteria and then come back and take a nap?”
“Sounds good to me,” she said and winked.
I got the best dish I think I had ever had. It was called Sausage Purlieu, and it was a local Minorcan dish. It had datil peppers in it, and I was told that they only grew in and around St. Augustine. It reminded me of the Cajun food in New Orleans. I got Mimi to try some, and she like it so much that she got up to get some of her own.
I continued to eat and was watching the ocean from our table. When I turned back to see what was keeping Mimi, I saw that she was in line, talking to Dr. Anna and Julia. When they got to the end of the line, I saw my grandmother pay for their food. What a generous person!
“Look who I found, Judith,” Mimi gushed.
I noticed that Julia’s eyes were puffy and red. Dr. Anna caught my eye and said, “Rough session.”
I didn’t ask any questions, but patted Julia on the arm.
She got all teary again, wiped her eyes and started eating her Purlieu. I noticed that everyone had it and a salad, but Julia also had gotten a large slice of chocolate cake.
“You always loved chocolate…” Mimi’s voice trailed off, “Anyone for walking on the beach after we eat?” She recovered.
Julia looked at Dr. Anna who nodded and said, “I think it’s just what the doctor ordered.”
After we finished lunch and Julia had eaten every bit of her cake, we headed down a path from the cafeteria to the beach. The water was rough with big waves.
No one said anything for what seemed like a long time, then Julia looked at Mimi and said, “If Judith is my sister then you have to be my grandmother too. Isn’t that right?”
Mimi looked at Dr. Anna who answered for her, “she’s your grandmother, Julia.”
Julia started running down the beach with all three of us chasing her. When we caught up with her, she had run halfway up a sand dune and thrown herself face down in the sand. Dr. Anna sat down in the sand and gathered her in her arms. Julia was crying so hard her whole body was shaking.
Dr. Anna looked up at us and said, “It’s a good sign, really. It’s better than when she was politely listening to everything in group but with no emotions.”
“Is there no fucking end to all the lies I’ve been fed all my life?” She looked at Mimi, “I’m sorry about using the F word.”
“Perfectly good word, especially if you’re pissed off. I’ve used it myself.”
This struck me as being so funny, that I started laughing so hard, I had to sit down in the sand to keep from peeing.
We were all laughing and Mimi said, “When in Rome,” as she sat down in the sand too.
A young couple, who looked like they were in love, were walking along the beach with their arms around each other. They saw us and smiled.
“That was the best laugh that I’ve had in I don’t know when,” Mimi said. We all agreed.
We all remained seated on the side of the sand dune for a few minutes, Then Julia said, “I want to see him, I want to confront him with all this.”
Mimi and I looked at Dr. Anna. She sat looking at the waves like she was thinking. We all watched her. She looked at Julia then back out at the waves. She did this several times and then she surprised me when she said,
“It’s not possible Julia. Mr. Reynolds is in jail.” Without a word Julia fainted. “I was afraid of that.” Dr. Anna said, “Help me get her back to her room.”
Dr. Anna took her shoulders and Mimi and I took her feet and we were able to get her up to the door to the hospital just as James, the big male nurse we met in group this morning, was coming out.
Without a word, he picked Julia up and carried her to her room as we all followed behind. He laid her on her bed and left.
Dr. Anna looked at her watch. “I have some more individual therapy sessions. Can you both stay with her for now?”
“Is she all right?” Mimi asked. “I mean, she’s unconscious.”
“Her mind refused to hear anymore. I’ll have a nurse come in to check her out but I’ve seen this happen before. I should have slowed down. It’s one of my faults as a therapist. In my enthusiasm to get someone well I get in too big a hurry. I’ll check back between sessions.” She hugged each of us and left.
A nurse came in right away and just as she walked in the door Julia opened her eyes and said, “What happened? Did I faint? You know, I’ve never fainted before in my life. It was a real weird experience. First, I was on the beach, then all of a sudden in my bed. Have you ever fainted before Judith?”
Mimi and I laughed and Mimi said, “Still the little chatter box.”
The nurse took her pulse, blood pressure and temperature and the whole time Julia was saying, “This is all so silly. I’m perfectly all right.” And we all believed her.
CHAPTER 21
Mimi and I took the rest of the day off. She took a nap and I decided to find something to read. In the living room was a bookcase with a few books among the decorative items, ceramic pelican and seashells, etc. I found a book by James Patterson and, after thumbing through and seeing his chapters were short, I decided to read it. I liked it a lot. It was about children who had wings.
I was stretched out on the porch swing when I heard the phone ringing inside. I jumped up to answer it before it woke Mimi.
When I got inside I heard her saying, “Oh My God in Heaven!! We’ll be right there.”
She hung up and burst into tears. It scared me because I hadn’t seen her cry before.
When she saw me, she threw her arms around me, “It’s you sister. She just tried to kill herself. She’s in the intensive care unit over there.”
I started crying too but Mimi said we should try to quit crying before we saw her. We dried our tears and walked across to the hospital.
Dr. Anna met us at the door. She looked very angry.
“I’m so mad at myself, she said. I should have seen this coming. After you both left, she slit her wrist, the long way, so she was serious about her intentions.”
“How did she get a hold of something sharp enough to slit her wrist?” Mimi asked.
“Usually after an outing one of the nurses does a pat search of the patient. I didn’t think it was necessary since she had been with us. She hadn’t had the opportunity to buy razor blades or anything. She was very clever. She found a broken shell and used the jagged edge. It must have hurt like hell, but she was determined.
“When the nurse went to check on her the first time, Julia was in bed and said she wanted to take a nap. She had the covers over her and apparently she was already bleeding under there. The next time the nurse went to check on her, she had bled through the covers. She was unconscious. She had lost a lot of blood.
We’ve got her in intensive care, which means, in this kind of hospital, there will be a live camera on her at all times. She can’t even pee without being watched. I know you want to see her, so come on back.”
We followed Dr. Anna into a wing we hadn’t been in before. She unlocked a door at the end of the hall and we went in. It looked like most ICU units except that there were TV screens at the nurse’s station.
You could see patients doing everything from eating to using the bathroom. The toilets were out in the open just like I had seen in jail cells and I remembered how humiliating it had been to use the bathroom knowing someone was watching.
Instead of real beds, there were mattresses on the floor. Julia was sitting on one of these mattresses Indian style. Both wrists were bandaged. She had her elbows on her knees and her chin propped up on her fists. She looked angry.
For some reason, it made me mad to see her angry. I just found her and she’s going to try to kill herself? And, what, she was mad because they stopped her?
All three of us went in together. When she saw me, Julia turned her face to the wall. “How can you stand to look at me, Judith? I’m such a coward”
I sat down on the mattress next to her and put my arms around her. “You are not a coward,” I said, “You’re trying to deal with everything all at once. I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I found things out a little at a time. So it wasn’t as traumatic for me and I had some really good support. You don’t even have support from the people who you thought you could count on.”
She looked at me in wonder, “That’s exactly it.”
“I couldn’t have put it better myself. You ever thought about being a therapist, Judith? You seem to have natural insight,” Dr. Anna said from over by the door. “Is there anything else you want to say to Julia?”
I looked back at Julia, “Mimi and I are so glad we found you finally. Mimi has been looking for us for so long. Please don’t try to kill yourself again. We both love you. According to Dr. Anna, things are going to get even rougher before they get better. If Mimi and I are here for you, do you think you can go through what you need to go through to become real and whole?”
“You know what, Julia? I’m going to try my very best. I’ll try to be more honest. Before, I told you what I thought you wanted to hear and you, too, Dr. Anna. I’ve been kind of selfish, haven’t I? After all, you must have gone through a lot too, and I haven’t even asked you about anything. Yeah, I’ve been totally selfish. That’s not like me at all. Does this mean I’m already changing, Doc?”
“You started changing before you even saw me. I’m just here to help you complete the process. We’re going to go and let you get some rest. We’ll see you tomorrow. We won’t see you in group for three days, but, Judith, I’d like you to still be there. You have some hard times ahead of you too.”
The suicide attempt seemed to be the turning point for Julia and for me too in some ways. I continued group for the next three days without Julia and, with the encouragement of the group, I was able to confront some of my own demons. When Julia returned to group, she worked really hard.
I watched other group members make great progress. Charlene, the overweight girl, was slimming down. She said she realized that she didn’t need to build a shield around herself for protection anymore. She was discharged about two weeks after I went back to group after Julia’s suicide attempt. She was so full of confidence, it gave Julia and me something to look forward to.
When Julia and I reached the deep rooted anger issues, surprisingly enough it was Harry who helped us. He was there for anger issues but he had come so far. The interesting thing was that, for him, anger was automatic and helped him avoid his real issue which was the deep rooted sadness and feelings of abandonment caused by his mother leaving him when he was only eighteen months old.
Once he started feeling and expressing the sadness, and to grieve, he was able to help us express the anger in a healthy way. I could see all kinds of advantages of being in group therapy.
Through our hard work and support of each other, Julia and I made progress fast and by Christmas, we were talking about going to Houston. By then Julia and Mimi had also became close. We had taken Julia shopping and to walk on the beach during her passes and Dr. Anna was pleased with the way Julia handled these times away from the hospital.
We got some news during these months. One was that Tracy and Mark were a couple, my uncle Mark and Tracy, the FBI agent. The other news was that Mr. Reynolds was going to trial in January for kidnapping, murder, attempting to jump bail and everything else they could think up according to Tracy.
Julia and I were looking forward to testifying against Mr. Reynolds and Dr. Anna thought it would be an important part of our healing process.
With Dr. Anna’s permission, we were all going to Houston for the Christmas holidays. Mimi had invited Mark and Tracy and I had Invited Ben. We had talked several times on the phone when he was onshore, and I had told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to come down here while I was in the middle of my therapy.
Mimi had also invited Dr. Anna for Christmas, but she said she couldn’t leave her patients just now. Mimi told me to call John and Rosa and see if they wanted to come and they accepted. Mimi called her staff and told them to get all the rooms ready and to plan for a big Christmas dinner and big Christmas bonuses. It was fun to watch Mimi at work.
We had planned to leave on the 22nd of December and come back on the 29th. Julia said she wanted to go home and get some better clothes. Mimi called the car rental place and traded in the Porsche for a more sensible Buick sedan since the sports car had no back seat.
Julia showed Mimi all around the house she grew up in and there was a sense of sadness about her. She didn’t chatter like she used to.
When Mimi saw the painting of the field of daisies with the unicorn, she had the same reaction I did. She stood there staring.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it, how the subconscious mind works,” Julia said. “I painted this before I even met Judith, two years before. It’s like Dr. Anna said, the subconscious knows the truth about you but protects you at the same time until you are ready for it. If I had been allowed to talk about my dreams all those years, I wouldn’t have had so much trouble. Knowing what I do now, my parents had to try to suppress my dreams to protect them. God, they are selfish people.
“Let’s get the hell out of here. I don’t want to ever see this place again. I don’t need anything from here.” She threw the suitcase she was going to pack on her bed and turned and walked out.
Mimi and I looked at each other and then Mimi went over to the wall and grabbed the daisies and unicorn painting and we left.
That night Julia stayed with us in the bungalow and we left for Houston the next day.
CHAPTER 22
I didn’t realize that Houston was such a big city. After living in Bishop, Georgia, I thought New Orleans was big, but compared to Houston, it wasn’t. We flew into Hobby Airport because Mimi said it was closer to where she lived than Houston Intercontinental.
After collecting our luggage, there was a limousine waiting for us at the curb. The driver jumped out and opened the trunk and said, “Welcome home, Ms. McCain.”
The driver was a large black man who kept eyeing Julia and me while he was loading the trunk.
Mimi laughed and put her arms around us.
“These are my granddaughters, Arnold.”
He smiled a big smile and said, “Glad to finally meet you two. I’m sure glad Ms. McCain found you.”
As we were driving along I-10, I noticed many other limousines, a lot more than I had ever seen in New Orleans. After getting off the freeway, we went through an interesting area that Mimi called the Montrose area, where she lived when she was first married. Some of the large frame houses were converted to trendy-looking restaurants and boutiques.
When we reached the River Oaks area, Julia and I looked at each other with our mouths open. These houses looked like pictures I had seen of houses in Beverly Hills. These weren’t houses, they were mansions. I couldn’t imagine living in a house like this.
Mimi’s house looked like Tara in Gone with the Wind. The servant’s quarters in the back looked like a miniature of the main house. There were gardens and brick walkways and little bridges over little tiny streams. I wondered what my life would have been like if I had grown up here. The two houses and the grounds took up one city block. I noticed this was true of the other estates in this area. There were a lot of big oak trees and I was later to learn that trees were very valuable in Houston, because that whole area used to be rice fields.
We drove through a brick circular driveway and parked at the front door. Mimi showed us around and introduced us to the staff while Arnold took our luggage to our room. The house had twelve bedrooms and each had its own bath. There were also half-baths off the library, living room, and off the kitchen etc.
I noticed that one of the bedroom doors upstairs was closed while all the others were left open. “What’s in there, Mimi?” Julia asked.
Mimi grinned like a kid on Christmas morning. “I was saving it for last, but I can’t wait. This was yours and Judith’s room, before you were kidnapped.”
The room from my dreams, I thought. I looked at Julia and she looked as jittery as I felt.
Mimi said, “We don’t have to open this yet if you’re not ready. I haven’t opened it since that night. I always said that I never would until I found both of you. The maids have kept it clean but have been instructed to leave the door closed. It’s up to you.”
Peggy Holloway - Judith McCain 01 - Blood on White Wicker Page 15