“It is true. I don’t love Nicholas. I told you that. I don’t think I ever shall.” Clara whispered. “And I am not angry with you for any of it.”
“But I am angry with myself.” Jane answered. “And it is not because of any regret over what Nicholas and I have shared, but for the years that I have allowed you to hide within your shell.”
She reached out and lifted Clara’s chin until their tearful gazes locked. “Tell me how you feel. Help me, and let me help you. Clara it is time you pushed aside this façade of indifference.”
“Sometimes I fear there is nothing inside of that shell.” A choked cry escaped the younger sister’s throat and she looked away. “It hurts too much to change.”
“Why? As I see it now, it is hurting you more to stay the same.” Jane again drew her sister’s face around. “You are so sad, Clara. And I am not talking about today. You have been so sad for so long…and I cannot remember when it was that you changed.”
“I know when it was that I changed.” The words bubbled up inside of her. She had reached her limit, and there was no stopping the long hidden truth. “My life changed forever when I walked into that village nine years ago and saw my sister keening over the corpse of her lover. I changed the day I saw you curse everyone who was responsible for Conor’s death…even though you didn’t know enough to curse me. I chose to keep a secret and hide my own sin.”
Jane’s face was bloodless when Clara looked up.
“It was my fault that Conor was arrested that week. It was my failure to do what you asked me. If I had delivered your message to him, he would not have come that morning. He would not have been captured…or killed.” Clara sobbed wretchedly. “I was too afraid of doing anything against Father’s wishes even then, so I lied to you and said that I had delivered your message. And then I saw what my lie did. It cost Conor his life. And with it, I destroyed your very future.”
Clara buried her face in her hands and wept. “I am so sorry, Jane. I never knew…never thought how horrible the consequences could be. And for all these years…this thing has been sitting in my heart…and…and then I was so ruthless to you again…asking you to leave Nicholas when I really didn’t want to marry him. I was so confused after Henry had proposed to me…before I ran away and ruined everything again. I just…I am the most hateful person…and you never see it. I have been ruined from the inside, as if some horrible worm has eaten through my soul…leaving me hollow. Yes, hollow…with only the shell for the world to see. Instead of trying to help me, you should hate me.”
The mattress shifted. A moment later, Clara felt Jane’s hands gather her tightly against her.
“I will never hate you. Do you hear me? Never. You were a mere child when I made you to take that message. Father had me locked away, but it was very wrong of me to put that weight on you.” Her words were soothing. “And knowing Conor, he would never have changed his plans, no matter what message I sent or what danger awaited him. He was resolved for us to go through this. His decision had been made.”
Jane gently caressed Clara’s hair as she spoke. “You see…the fault was with me for getting you involved at all…and with our father…and with this country…and also with Conor and me for being so unprepared and so blind.” She brushed the wetness from Clara’s cheek. “But one thing I have recently learned…the time comes when we all must part with the past. No matter who is to blame, I have finally decided to live what is left of my life. It is time to give over the pain of what went wrong. And Clara, you need to try to do the same. Life is too precious. You are too important to me. We must change the way things are.” She placed a kiss on the younger sister’s brow.
“But for so long…I have just been the same miserable pretender. I don’t know how to change.”
“Oh, yes you do.” Jane smiled gently. “And with some intensive tutoring from me, you can still earn the title of the second wicked Purefoy girl.”
Clara felt a sense of giddiness rising inside of her. She hugged Jane fiercely and let the sadness ease its way out of her body.
“Thank you. Thank you for always being there for me. And thank you…for your offer of making me wicked.” She pulled back and wiped the tears off her face. “I really need it.”
“Very well.” Jane clutched her hand. “But before we start our first lesson, what was it that you said about Henry Adams proposing? I didn’t think it was my imagination that there was something peculiar about you two.”
***
“What on earth did you tell her? She didn’t look at me crossly once during the dinner. In fact, I should say Clara seemed unusually cheerful this evening.”
No sooner had everyone retired for the night than Nicholas had been at her door. He was been genuinely concerned over what had happened this afternoon, and he and Jane hadn’t been able to share a private word all night.
But simply talking had proven too difficult for them both.
“Do you really expect me to reveal a confidential conversation between two sisters?” she teased, rolling Nicholas on his back and stretching her body on top of his. She kissed his neck—tasted the hollow of his throat. “Do you know this was the first time we made love in a real bed?”
“You are changing the subject.” His arms wrapped around Jane, impeding her movements. “What did you tell Clara about us, Jane?”
“I told her that I love you.”
The change in his face was stunning. The intensity of his blue eyes scorched her. She realized that this was the first time she had actually declared her own feelings.
“And did you speak them only for her sake?”
She shook her head. “I love you, Nicholas.”
Jane heard the short breath that escaped his lungs. He gently cupped her face and pulled back.
“What else did you tell her?”
“I told her you love me, too.”
“What else?”
She shook her head in confusion. He rolled them on the bed again until he was covering her.
“Didn’t you tell her that I have asked you to be my wife?”
She hadn’t, but there was no need for an answer as he seemed to read her silence.
“Jane, I know I am undeserving of you, but…”
“It is the exact opposite…and you know it.” She wrapped her arms around him and met his gaze. “I love you, Nicholas, and I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you—but not in marriage.”
“Why not?” His temper flared.
“I have said it before, but you don’t seem to want to hear any of it.” She sighed. “There is scandal in my past. I never wish taint your family name with—
“Bloody hell.” He pushed himself up, looming over her. “To be sure, you are the most stubborn woman ever born. Why can you not get it in your head that nothing of your past will have the slightest effect on our marriage—or in the way people treat you in the future?”
“And you are the most stubborn man,” she retorted. “What is wrong with the two of us continuing on as we are? I might even consider leaving Ireland and coming to live in London. I could become your paramour…or concubine…or whatever it is they call those woman these days. Mistress, that’s it.”
“I cannot believe you can offend me so casually!” He lifted his weight off of hers and sat up. He ran a weary hand through his long loose hair.
Jane touched his back, sat up, and placed a kiss on his shoulder. “I was not trying to offend you. On the contrary, I am being helpful.”
“Then don’t be,” he snapped, glaring at her.
A pang of vulnerability pierced her heart. Her face must have shown it, for he reached out gently and touched her face.
“I love you, Jane. Do you understand? I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you as husband and wife.” His hand moved down and rested on her soft stomach. “Do you realize, after what we’ve shared, you might already be carrying our child?” He didn’t wait for an answer. “But whether we have our own, or care for all the waifs who wande
r the streets without home or family, would it not be wonderful to work together to make a difference in the world?”
“I do.” She drew her knees against her chest and set her shin on it. “But it is so complicated. I must do the right thing for you…”
“But how about us?” he prodded, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her against him. “Like it or not, it is already us, Jane, and we can do the right thing together.”
He kissed her again, and she felt all of his passion and frustration in it. She could easily lose herself in the warmth of his mouth, in the caress of his hands. But he pulled away. Stretching her out on the bed, he pulled the bedclothes up and tucked them around her body.
“You are not staying?”
He shook his head.
“You need time to think…to sort things out in your mind. And I need time to cool my blood.” His fingers twirled a strand of her hair. “I want you too much, Jane, and I am afraid I might be scaring you with so much pressure.”
She opened her mouth in denial, but he placed a finger on her lips. “Please…tonight…just think of us.”
CHAPTER 30
Jane was pleasantly surprised when Mrs. Hannagan announced Lady Stanmore’s arrival the next afternoon. She was even more delighted by the warmth of the greeting she received from Rebecca.
“I am so sorry that no one else is here this afternoon but me.” Jane accompanied the other woman back to the drawing room and where she had been brooding and sketching for most of the afternoon. “Lady Spencer took my sister and Miss Frances out to visit some friends, and I haven’t seen Sir Nicholas all day.”
“Well, there is no need for an apology, for I came over just to see you.” Rebecca glanced at the unfinished sketch on the end table before taking a seat. “I see Nicholas is not boasting about you without grounds. You are very good.”
Jane was embarrassed about leaving her work out in the open. The exposed drawing was an attempt at capturing Nicholas’s face, but no matter how many times she’d worked the sketch, she still couldn’t take the expression of hurt out of his eyes.
“I…I have had very little formal training, and I fear it shows dreadfully.”
She took a seat next to Rebecca as Mrs. Hannagan arrived, ushering a servant carrying a tray of tea and biscuits into the room. While the tea was being poured, Jane watched the two women chat pleasantly about the trials of new motherhood. A moment later, the housekeeper and serving girl left the two of them alone, closing the door on their way out.
“Do you know, this is the first time I’ve been separated from Samuel since he was born?” Rebecca turned her attention back to Jane. “Stanmore likes to tease me endlessly about my attachment to our sons.”
“They seem like such happy boys.”
“That is true so long as they have my undivided attention. Of course, there is no one to blame for that but myself.” She smiled. “I suppose this is one of the trials of late motherhood. You have more experience in life, but at the same time you are less willing to take a chance.”
Jane sipped her tea. Nicholas had told her that Rebecca was only three years older than Jane.
“But I am sure you are wondering what I am doing here.”
“Perhaps a little. But whatever the reason, I am glad for it.”
“I am too,” Rebecca answered heartily, picking up her own cup. “It has been over a year since Stanmore and I were married. But despite all of the socializing that goes with my husband serving in Lords, there are very few women in London whom I would consider good friends.”
She declined the offer of biscuits.
“Not that I have any great problem with that. My life is so full, and—this may strike you as odd—my husband and I have become best friends to each other. But still, when fate directs me to someone special like you—someone caring and intelligent and independent, someone who does not quite match society’s expectations for women—I cannot help but want to pursue that friendship.”
If those words had come from anyone else, if they had been spoken in any other way than the way Rebecca said them, Jane might have taken umbrage. As it was, though, she found herself completely at ease with the mixture of frankness and gentleness in the woman.
“You have a gift of making people feel quite special.” Jane smiled. “Your happiness is enviable.”
“I must admit to you that I wasn’t always as happy.” Rebecca took a sip of her tea and put the cup and saucer on the table. “I did my best with James for the ten years we lived in Philadelphia together, but there were as many hard times as there were good times. For those ten years fears of my past, mixed with the uncertainties of the future, always prayed on my mind.”
From the first moment they’d met, Jane had realized there was much more to this woman than met the eye.
“And even when I returned to England,” Rebecca started again. “And after Stanmore and I became…intimate…I still had strong doubts of ever finding lasting happiness. You see… Stanmore wanted permanency…marriage…stability, but I thought myself unworthy of his attention…of his name.”
“But Nicholas told me you are a half-sister to Lord North.”
“Neither Stanmore nor I knew that then, and even if I did, it wouldn’t have made any difference to me.” She glanced in the direction of the closed door before turning to Jane again. “I had fled from London ten years earlier because I was certain I’d killed a man—in defense of my virtue—but I had killed all the same. But despite my refusal, Stanmore was not willing to give up our future. He threatened to abandon his life in England and return with me to the colonies. And since I refused to let him, I was sure he would go to the king if he must, to secure a pardon and have me stay.”
“What happened?”
“Stanmore’s lawyer and Nicholas discovered the truth about the alleged murdered man. As I was told later by them, I had only managed to wound the monster. A few years later he was killed by an angry husband.”
Jane tried to stop the trembling of her hand as she placed the cup and saucer on the table. Though their backgrounds were very different, the similarity in how they felt—of not wanting to injure the man they loved—was so startling.
“Despite the connection to Lord North, the announcement of Stanmore’s and my marriage was not without gossip and insinuation. But we managed to survive it very well, I think.” She smiled proudly. “Knowing what I do now, having faced the elite in the course of dozens and dozens of social occasions, I can tell you that what they say means nothing when a marriage is strong.”
Rebecca touched Jane gently on the knee. “I know you may think it is easy for me to say these things, since all of this is behind me. But if I could offer you a little advice…just listen to your heart and fear nothing about what others might think.”
“Did Nicholas ask you to come and speak with me today?”
“No, he didn’t. But seeing you at our home two nights ago brought to my mind memories of myself.” Her gaze was direct yet tender. “Anyone watching you two can see that he is so helplessly in love with you…and that you are so deathly afraid.”
Jane closed her eyes for an instant and then let out a long breath. “My fear is not of him. I love him more than I can ever put into words.”
“And that is why you are trying to do what is right for him.” She completed her thoughts.
Jane’s head swam with all the difficulties ahead of them, but she also dared herself to imagine all the possibilities. The second far surpassed the first. It was a while before she turned her attention back to Rebecca.
“I appreciate what you are trying to do for me…for us.”
She squeezed Jane’s hand gently. “I did not come here for any answers, only as a woman paying a visit to a new friend.” Rebecca smiled, rising to her feet. “But I had better get back before testing the patience of little Samuel’s nurse.”
“When are you going down to Solgrave?” Jane asked as she followed the other woman to the door.
“Tomorr
ow morning. And the invitation stands. Please come and see us.”
“I shall try.” Jane returned Rebecca’s affectionate hug. “And thank you.”
Mrs. Hannagan joined them by the open front entrance and wished Lady Stanmore goodbye, as well. When the countess’s carriage had pulled away, Jane walked back inside with the housekeeper.
“I do not intend to be intrusive, Mrs. Hannagan, but do you know by any chance when Sir Nicholas is expected back today?”
Mrs. Hannagan gave Jane a warm smile. “Of course I do, miss. He returned only a few minutes ago, but I told him that you and Lady Stanmore were having a private talk, so he went up to change for dinner rather than break in on you ladies.”
***
Nicholas had just taken off his jacket and his cravat and was ready to take off his shirt when there was a knock on the door. Assuming it was his tardy valet, he called for the man to enter. He was surprised and delighted to see Jane’s face peer around his door.
“May I come in?”
“Please do,” he took a step toward her, but then stopped. It had been a struggle last night to walk away from her and to leave this morning before she woke up. It was far too easy for both of them to give in to their passions every time they came together. But that was not the way he wanted to share his life with her. There was so much more between them than just the physical fulfillment of their bodily desires. He was resolved to keep his distance and give her time to make a decision.
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