She glanced at Liz and softly caressed her hair.
“So, now you know. Does it change anything about us?”
“Of course not,” Liz exclaimed. “Why would it?”
"Well, you know, I was a little bit afraid to tell you about it.”
"How come?"
Kristan hesitated.
“Because I don’t want you to think that I’m like him,” she said eventually.
Liz frowned, not sure she understood.
"Who, James?" she asked.
“No. I was really thinking about your husband,” Kristan replied slowly. “I was an alcoholic and a drug addict, but I would never hurt you.”
Liz heard the torment in her voice and her heart tightened in response.
"Kristan," she said fiercely.
She kissed her because it was the only way that she could really convey her true feelings. When she pulled back Kristan was a little out of breath, and Liz looked deep into her eyes.
“Do not ever compare yourself to him again,” she said tightly. "You are nothing like him, Kris. Nothing.”
Kristan nodded, worry still dancing in her eyes.
"You haven't known me long, Liz."
"I've known you long enough."
Liz shook her head.
“I really can’t believe the things that go through your head,” she exclaimed. “Kris, you are kind. Gentle; Compassionate and thoughtful,” she added, finally managing to bring a faint smile to Kristan’s lips. “And so brave. I feel safe when I’m with you.”
“You do?”
Liz nodded.
“I do. It’s a wonderful feeling.”
“Is it because I am big and butch?” Kristan asked, and this time she was laughing.
Liz rolled her eyes.
“Of course," she grinned.
Kristan kissed her and then Liz felt her shiver.
She noticed the change in her, the way that Kristan started to slur her words a little, the way she seemed to be having trouble keeping her eyes open. Obviously talking about her past and her addiction had taken its toll.
Liz was so fiercely proud of her.
“You're exhausted. Time for bed now darling,” she said gently.
She pushed her down onto the bed and covered her with the quilt. Kristan did not resist. All of a sudden she felt more tired than she had in years. Liz kissed her and brushed the hair from her face. She moved extra pillows out of the way. Kristan felt herself start to sink.
"Don’t... I don't want to sleep," she murmured.
"Why not?"
"I want to stay with you."
"I'll be right here next to you," Liz murmured against her ear. "Just sleep, honey. I won't leave."
"Promise?" Kristan mumbled.
"Yeah. I'll be right here when you wake up. Then I’ll teach you how to cook me breakfast. How’s that?"
Kristan chuckled. She looked like she was going to say something else, and then she just smiled. She closed her eyes and she snuggled deeper against Liz, and within seconds she was asleep.
Chapter 8
The weather was changing. Autumn was clearly on the way, and Kristan wanted an opportunity to take Liz out on the lake before it got too cold and windy. So she was up at five the next morning and straight into the office for a few hours. She spoke to the police, to her staff, went through the books, sorted out replacement parts for one of her helicopters, and purposely avoided looking at a bunch of resumes from local pilots who had obviously heard the news about Mike.
By eight o'clock she was done and back at the cottage, and for the next two hours Liz did not give her a chance to think about anything at all. And it was not teaching her how to cook breakfast.
Now Kristan was feeling incredibly relaxed and she could not stop smiling.
"Do you want a single or a double?" she asked.
Liz stood at the door to the kayak shed, dressed in shorts and one of Kristan's t-shirts, looking like a kid in a toy shop.
"I don't know," she said, her eyes jumping over all the boats, of different sizes, types and colours. "What's best?"
"Well, in a double you get to sit at the front and I'll be sat behind you. In a single you're just on your own."
"I don't want to spend all morning not being able to see you," Liz protested.
"Okay. Single it is then," Kristan said, happy with her choice.
On the beach she helped Liz to get in, adjusted her foot rests and spray deck for her, and handed her the paddle.
She kissed her.
"All set, doc?"
"Yeah."
"I'll push you in."
As soon as the water was deep enough she stood back, and she watched as Liz started to paddle almost as if she had been born to it.
"Hey! Looking good," she called out to her.
Liz had good balance already. This was going to be easy.
Quickly, Kristan jumped into her own boat and caught up with her.
"Is it supposed to be this wobbly?" Liz enquired, looking tense.
"You'll get used to it in a bit. The key is to keep your paddle straight and use your centre of gravity for balance."
"My bum, you mean?"
"Yes," Kristan smiled. "You got a nice one, so use it.”
Liz started to laugh.
“Glad you like it,” she said. “You got any other piece of advice? Of the helpful kind?” she added, glancing at Kristan and grinning.
“That was helpful. Relax and feel the water. You'll be fine."
Kristan slipped her sunglasses on. It was only ten o'clock in the morning and slightly overcast but still quite warm, and it looked as if the weather would hold for a few more hours. Thunderstorms were forecast for later on, as well as high winds and possibly hail, but by then they would be safely back onto dry land.
Kristan adjusted her dry bag onto the deck and once again her eyes drifted to Liz, who looked back toward her and smiled.
She looked happy now, and relaxed.
"This is kind of nice," she said. "I like it."
"Great. You're looking good, doc. Obviously a natural."
Liz looked pleased at the comment.
"You think so?" she said proudly.
"I do. Now, what do you do if you capsize?"
"I don't want to capsize," Liz exclaimed, looking worried all of a sudden.
Kristan drifted a little closer.
"I know," she said with a smile, "but if it happens I want you to know what to do. There is nothing in the boat that can hold you in," she explained, stopping just ahead of Liz. "So if you go over, just let go of your paddle; grab your spray deck at the front, pull on that loop and pop if off. Then push with your hands off the side of the boat and you will just slide out."
Liz nodded.
"Okay, I got it."
"If something happens that prevents you from getting out, stay in and just bang on the bottom of the boat with your hands."
"And then what?" Liz enquired, puzzled. "What will that do?"
"It's the signal for me to come and get you," Kristan said with a grin.
"Ah. I like that option."
"Really? You wouldn’t be flirting with your instructor by any chance, would you Miss Jackson?"
Liz paddled over to Kristan and rested her incredibly intense gaze on her.
She raised an amused eyebrow.
"What if I am?" she said. "Would you mind?"
Kristan leaned over to kiss her.
"I don't mind, and I am happy that you're doing it."
"Good. Now show me the way, coach."
The two women paddled slowly along the coast, chatting and laughing. For once in her life Kristan was happy to go slow. They went up along a small stream, deeper into untouched rainforest, and Liz was astounded by the beauty of it.
"I can see why you like kayaking so much," she observed.
Kristan nodded. She was a little quiet and she was smiling a lot.
"Sometimes it's nice to come up here and just drift," she said.
&nbs
p; She reached for a rubber loop on the side of Liz's boat and clipped a karabiner with a sling to it. She clipped that to her own boat and relaxed back into her seat.
"Like this," she demonstrated.
“If we’re quiet do you think we might even spot a kiwi?”
“Unfortunately not. These guys are only out and about at night.”
Liz took her lover’s hand and held it tight in both of hers, and they drifted together side by side, just listening to the birds and enjoying the peace.
"Kelly said you're lovely," Kristan said eventually, smiling at Liz.
“Did she? That’s nice.”
“She really appreciated your spending time with her yesterday.”
"Good. I had a good time. She cares about you a lot, you know?"
"I know. So do I. And she loved Mike too.”
Kristan scooped a little bit of water in her hand.
“Liz, can I ask you something?"
"Of course. Anything."
Kristan rested her clear blue eyes on her, looking a little uncertain all of a sudden.
"What is it baby?" Liz asked, suddenly little worried.
"Two things."
"Okay.”
"First, I’m flying up to the glacier with a few of my people to scatter Mike's ashes on top. I'd like you to be with me when we do it."
Liz nodded immediately.
"Of course. I will come with you, Kris. And I feel very touched that you would want me there also."
Emotion rose up in Kristan's face and her eyes filled with tears.
She blinked them away quickly.
"Liz, that job in Wellington you told me about," she said. "When does it start?"
The question took Liz by surprise. She had not thought about Wellington at all since her first night with Kristan, and all of a sudden she was brought back to reality with a bang.
"Well..." she hesitated. "The job's supposed to start in July."
"Okay," Kristan said, and she unhooked the karabiner and grabbed her paddle again.
It was such a sudden move that Liz was taken aback.
"Kris, wait," she exclaimed.
She leaned forward quickly, grabbing on to the side of Kristan’s boat and losing her paddle in the process. She paid absolutely no attention to it, her only intention to address the very serious question hidden behind Kristan's apparently innocent one. She had answered it without thinking, and immediately regretted it. Her lover’s expression had gone from hopeful and open to shut-down and completely unreadable, and Liz had spotted the flash of hurt in her eyes before she turned away.
She kicked herself for not reading her better.
"You dropped your paddle," Kristan said flatly.
"Yeah, and I am talking to you right now."
Liz was clearly upset, and Kristan grabbed the abandoned paddle and just hooked them up together again.
"Go ahead.”
Liz stared at her silently for a few seconds, and then she simply burst out laughing. Kristan did not immediately follow suit, but when Liz started to laugh so hard she nearly fell out of her boat Kristan started to smile.
She grabbed the back of Liz's buoyancy aid to keep her in her kayak, and she shook her head a little.
"Liz, you're scaring the birds," she remarked, only managing to make Liz laugh harder.
"Geez, Kristan!" she exclaimed, and she had tears running down her face.
"What? What did I do?" Kristan protested, and she could not keep a straight face now no matter how hard she tried.
Liz grabbed her face in both her hands and she kissed her, hard, and slow, only stopping when they both ended up entangled in low branches from a bunch of trees on the side. Kristan got them out of it and back into the middle of the river, maneuvering both kayaks whilst Liz just sat back watching her, shaking her head with a huge smile on her face.
"I really don't know what's so funny," Kristan pointed out.
"Oh, you don't?"
"No."
"Boy, Kristan, you really are going to have to do something about that temper," Liz exclaimed, and she was serious this time. "Why don't you go ahead and tell me what's really on your mind?"
Kristan met her eyes, and she felt like bursting into tears.
"What, like, I love you and I don't want you to go to Wellington?" she said sharply.
"Yes! Exactly!"
"There you go, I said it."
"You are so bloody gorgeous when you're angry," Liz teased her, grinning again. "Hey, you asked me when the job started and I just told you. Sorry, I didn't catch what you really meant. Don't take me to such a beautiful place when you're looking so beautiful yourself and ask me to concentrate, okay?"
"Can't you multi-task?" Kristan enquired jokingly.
The light was back in her eyes and she was holding on to Liz now.
"Not when you're so close, apparently," Liz shot back. "Listen," she added quickly, "I will not be going to Wellington."
"But..."
"But nothing. I am in love with you, Kris. I am not going to leave."
Kristan's eyes had filled with tears again, but this time she looked hesitantly happy. Liz rested her hand on the back of her neck and softly caressed her hair.
"I am in love with you," she said again, leaning close to Kristan and looking straight at her. "Okay? Wellington will have to find somebody else."
Kristan was about to say something when she was interrupted by a roll of thunder in the distance. She took her eyes off Liz long enough to glance at the thick row of clouds advancing quickly over the lake, and she straightened up immediately. This one was coming straight for them, and their conversation would have to wait a little.
"Okay, how fast can you paddle?" she asked.
"Faster than you."
Kristan burst out laughing.
They got absolutely drenched, which only made the outing more enjoyable as far as Liz was concerned. She enjoyed kissing Kristan in the rain, she enjoyed looking at her when she was wet and her t-shirt was clinging to her chest, she enjoyed watching her as she lifted her kayak over her head on the beach, admiring a body that was lean and hard and so beautiful, and remembering exactly how she could touch her and make that body come alive.
She made spicy sweet potato soup for lunch in Kristan's kitchen, and afterward they both collapsed on the couch, watching heavy curtains of rain blow across the lake.
"I love the rain," Liz remarked.
“Do you?”
“Yes. Especially when it keeps you inside with me.”
"Do you miss England?" Kristan asked.
"Not so far," Liz replied softly. "Do you miss America?"
"Absolutely not."
Liz chuckled.
"Not even a little bit?"
Kristan kissed the side of her head and sighed contentedly.
"I was never really happy there," she said. "So no."
"And here?"
"Yeah. I'm happy here. I love what I do. I love where I live. I have good friends."
Liz closed her eyes as she said that, aware that Kristan was thinking about Mike, and she slid her hand under her shirt and rested it against her stomach lightly.
"I love it when you do that," Kristan murmured against her hair.
"Touch you?"
"Yeah."
"And when I kiss you?"
"Even more," Kristan said, and she grinned when Liz touched her lips to hers. "But come on, your turn.”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to know what makes you happy.”
"Being with you. Like this."
"And what else?"
"Good food. And painting."
"What else?"
Liz thought about it for a moment.
"Well, let's see. I like the mountains and going out on long walks. I like hot towels when you get out of the shower in the winter. I like dogs. And I love going up in your helicopter with you."
Kristan smiled.
"We can do that again soon, just you and me."
&nb
sp; She was silent for a few seconds.
"What about being a surgeon?" she asked then. "Does that make you happy?"
Liz grew wistful when Kristan said that, and she thought about it carefully before she answered.
"What I like is making people well. Helping them, and making a difference. Being a surgeon was one way of doing it."
Kristan nodded, and she sank a little lower against her lover, until they were eye to eye.
"You say 'was' as if that were all behind you now," she remarked. "It doesn't have to be, you know."
"I am not going to change my mind about Wellington, Kris," Liz said gently.
"I know. But there is a hospital here too, so if you wanted to work you could apply. They would be crazy to turn you down."
She needed to ask because they had not discussed the future yet. And she wanted to. Liz was apparently willing to give up a good job in the North island in order to stay close to her, and Kristan was not taking that commitment lightly.
Liz smiled a little as she looked into her eyes and caught the concern in them.
"I just want you to be happy, that’s all," Kristan said before she could even ask. "I have a great life here, but I would not simply expect you to drop everything just for me. If you wanted to do something else, or be somewhere else, that would be okay with me.”
Liz nodded.
"Thank you. And I would never ask you to give up a place and a business that obviously mean so much to you, Kris,” she added. “The truth is, I am not even sure I want to be a surgeon again."
Kristan was silent, simply allowing her lover to explore her thoughts.
"Being able to save someone’s life is such a gift. But the job itself can be hard, intense. Very long hours, difficult shifts. Sometimes people die. After what I went through with Robert… What I want now in my life is for things to be quiet and simple."
"Like what?"
Liz shrugged a little.
"I just want to enjoy living. I want to be happy, and safe."
"Anything else?" Kristan asked a little huskily.
Liz looked deep into her eyes, and she smiled.
"Yes. I want to be with you."
Kristan tightened her hold on her.
"I want to be with you too," she murmured.
Liz nodded, looking happy and excited.
"So if we’re talking about the future now Kris, our future, this is what I want. I can cook. I could work in the cafe with Kelly. I could help you in the office. We could do this together."
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