by Rosanna Leo
So much hardship. So many mistakes.
“Now’s the time to fix them,” said Luke.
“How did you know what I was thinking?”
“I just did. Now, are you going to let me help you kick this bullshit in your system, or do you want to die?”
“Some choice.”
“It’s really simple, Barbi. I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know. If you continue down this path, if you remain with Wilf, even your neglected wolf won’t be strong enough to save you. You will die.” His gaze warmed as curiosity made his dark eyes flash. “How old are you anyway?”
“That’s a personal question.”
“Woman, by the time we’re done here, we’ll have dug to a level of personal you never dreamed existed. Now answer my question. How old are you?”
She sniffed, feeling her age for the first time ever.
“Look, Barbi. You’re a shifter woman. We both know you’re a knockout and you look about twenty-five, but I also know you’re mother to a grown daughter. Let’s not play games here.”
She shifted in her seat. “I’m forty-eight. Are you satisfied?” She was about to call him another name but was worried about experiencing the consequences he’d mentioned.
“Forty-eight, huh? What do you know? I’m forty-nine.” He chuckled. “So we know this much. Despite years of drug and alcohol abuse, your body and face haven’t deteriorated…yet. If you keep using, you’ll lose those pretty white teeth and your hair will fall out in clumps. You’ll get sores on your clear skin and the drug will begin to eat away at your insides. After a while, you’ll be a shell, a zombie. Seems a shame to call it a day before your fiftieth birthday. Don’t you think so?”
For the first time in years, Barbi felt the cold fingers of fear and vanity, prodding her. She didn’t want her teeth to rot. She didn’t want her hair to fall out. The one compliment Terry had ever given her was about her hair. Snow White hair, he used to call it.
Why didn’t Wilf tell her about those side effects? He’d only ever told her Spider would make her feel good, that it would help her forget all the times Terry launched his fists in her direction. Wilf knowingly withheld information.
Would she have listened even if he had been truthful? Probably not. And she was no fool, deep down. She’d known drugs were bad right from the very first hit. She wouldn’t have paid any heed to anyone who warned her away.
She’d never listened to anyone, especially not her kids.
The pain of remorse cut a jagged wound in her heart and it ached as nothing ever had. All her young dreams, gone. All her hope, vanished. Her mate was dead and her boyfriend was an asshole. Hailey didn’t even come around anymore and Fleur…
Oh, poor Fleur.
She’d destroyed her daughters.
A wicked sob racked her chest, making her voice escape in a garbled cry. Unaccustomed to crying, she swiped at her tears, wishing them away.
Luke was at her side in an instant and enfolded her in his arms. She stiffened, not at ease with him yet. However, he rubbed her back and whispered encouragement in her ear, and within moments her spine relaxed.
“It’s okay,” he cooed. “Let it out, Barbi. It all has to come out. I’m here for you.”
Did she really want to die? It hurt to even think of the answer, so she said nothing and just burrowed against Luke’s chest. It was warm there, so very warm, and she was so cold.
He smelled good, like man in his natural state. Wilf always wore heavy colognes that plugged up her nose.
Luke held her, respecting her need to cry, and didn’t say anything for a while.
Somewhere in that silence, another noise rumbled inside her being. From the darkness, a pair of sad blue eyes shone in a furry face.
Her wolf.
The creature padded forward, like an abused dog afraid to emerge from its shelter. The animal sniffed Luke’s spirit bear and its face infused with life, with curiosity and hunger for a new taste. The canine bounded forward like a pup and lowered its head to Luke’s bear.
His bear huffed, sniffed her wolf, and nuzzled it.
Barbi must have stilled and caught her breath, because it occurred to her she wasn’t moving at all. Luke sucked in a breath as well. They sat, entwined and motionless, for a good minute before he cleared his throat and loosened his hold. He pulled away, just by centimeters, and smiled.
“I don’t understand,” she stammered. “Why are you doing this?”
His knowing look said more than words could ever say. However, he just nodded and stood. “Let’s get you something to eat. Spider on an empty stomach is a prescription for torture. You must be famished and, as my refrigerator can often attest, I’m always hungry.”
He held out a hand. Barbi paused, confused. Her hesitation signaled a warning to her wolf and the canine snapped at her, nipping at her liver.
Dammit. I haven’t heard from you in years. Since when do you bite me?
The wolf hunkered and growled.
“Barbi?” Luke stood before her, his arm still outstretched.
No. She wouldn’t go with him. He made her wolf act weird and she’d gotten used to the beast being silent. Luke Miller seemed to have her all figured out but she didn’t trust him. She didn’t trust anyone.
Where are you, Wilf?
Wilf didn’t answer. Of course not. He pretty much only came to her on his terms. She understood that much. If she could only get a small hit of Spider to get her through the rest of the day…
You’ll be a shell, a zombie. Luke’s words had already begun to haunt her. He’d messed with her head and if he thought she was dancing off into the sunset with him, he was as delusional as he was muscled.
“Barbi. Look at me.”
Miller might accuse Wilf of wanting to destroy her, but she knew going with him would only lead her to pain and destruction of another kind. “Leave me alone, Miller. I don’t want anything to do with you. And keep your mangy bear away from my wolf!”
He leveled her with a look, but she turned her back on him. Gathering up the plaid flannel blanket, she wrapped it tightly about herself and glared at the wall.
“Suit yourself. More food for me. I’ve got some steaks marinating in the fridge and I can always handle a second helping.” He turned and sauntered toward the kitchen.
Her stomach rumbled again, louder than before. Steaks. God, she’d kill for one or two. Curious, she looked over her shoulder at Luke.
It proved a bad idea when she got a peek at his perfect ass. Her gut growled again.
Luke looked over his shoulder and caught her ogling his behind. “Glad to see the drugs haven’t ruined your vision yet.” He grinned. “If you need me, I’ll be in here, getting acquainted with a couple of medium rare T-bones.”
Just as he disappeared into the kitchen, her wolf reappeared, shaking its great head. Looks like I got here just in time. You won’t muzzle me anymore, missy.
Barbi dropped her head onto her knees and groaned. “Kill me now.”
* * * *
Well, well, August Crane crowed. I must admit I’m thoroughly disgusted.
Fleur opened her eyes and sat up in bed. Crane perched at the edge of the bed near the footboard. She followed his gaze, so hardened with venom. Jani lay naked next to her, his broad shoulders peeking out from the sheets. Out like a light, he smiled in his sleep. Under the covers, one of his hands curled around Fleur’s thigh.
Really, Crane persisted. What were you thinking?
She refused to look at the dead cult leader and responded in a whisper. “Shut up.”
Crane stood and paced in front of the bed. That man betrayed me. He pretended to be my friend for the purposes of taking me down. Oh wait. So did you.
“Yeah, well, you betrayed me too. You hit me and used me over and over again, and I let you. But I’m not your plaything anymore.”
I never treated you any differently than you deserved to be treated. Crane slid n
ext to her and pinched her chin. Even though she knew her brain had conjured up the wraith, the pinch still stung and she winced. You and I both know you’re a slut, my pretty dog. Fun for a grope, but no substance. No brain.
“I have a brain, which is more than you have, you sick piece of meat.”
Crane laughed. You always amused me so. How long do you think you’ll amuse your new boyfriend? A week? A month?
“He cares.”
He cares about the size of your tits. Crane’s gaze swept over her chest. Can’t say I blame him there. They’re your greatest attribute. Hang on, your only attribute.
Fleur put her hands over her ears. “Stop. You don’t control me. I won’t listen to you.”
You don’t have to. I’m inside your soul. You can’t escape me. Crane poked her. Face it, baby. I made you who you are. Without me, you wouldn’t even be able to tie your shoes.
“I mean it, Crane. Go away!”
You know what you should do to prove you have half a brain? Kill the traitorous moron. Slit your precious Jani’s throat and teach him a lesson. It’ll be so easy while he’s asleep. Go on. Show me your true colors, as the lady says.
“No!” Fleur shoved at the ghost, determined to banish him from her brain. She was not evil. She would not let Crane rule her any longer and she would never hurt Jani. Never.
She could be good. She had to be good.
“Please,” she said through a whimper. “Please…”
A pair of strong arms encircled her. “Hey. Look at me.”
Fleur flinched, slapping the arms away. “Don’t touch me. Please, August. No more.”
“Fleur. I said look at me.”
The voice startled her into recognition. Jani held her, his face pinched with anxiety. For a moment, his eyes didn’t look right. Instead of being their regular warm sage color, they were paler, colder. Frightening blue like Crane’s. She couldn’t look at the monster and tried to detach herself from his death grip, but he wouldn’t release her. “No, no, no. Don’t touch me!”
“It’s just me, little one. Just me.”
The voice, it wasn’t Crane’s. Jani’s pleasing accent soothed her, made her brave. She forced herself to meet his gaze. “Jani?”
As she voiced his name, his eyes transformed back into the green of her dreams. She breathed a sigh of relief. To see his features combined with Crane’s…it was an aberration, one she’d never forget.
“You were talking to yourself,” Jani said. “Like some sort of waking nightmare.”
“Something like that.”
He sat back against the headboard and pulled her onto his lap, covering them both with the blanket. With one of his hands settled on her hip and the other caressing her cheek, she was finally able to take a breath without feeling like she wanted to weep. “Tell me.”
“I’ll get over it. It’s not a big deal.”
His lips grazed her temple, lingering there. “I’m stubborn, remember? Tell me.”
“Fine. I know this will sound weird, but I…see him sometimes.”
“Crane.” It wasn’t a question.
“Is it that obvious?”
“You did say his name.” He tucked her hair behind her ear. “Although even if you hadn’t, I would have figured it out. I understand the way you think, Fleur, even though aspects of you remain a mystery.” He smiled.
She pulled away, equally ecstatic and horrified he saw inside her soul so easily. True to his stubborn nature, Jani tugged her closer and urged her to lay her head on his chest.
Cushioned by his strength, she closed her eyes. It felt so good dreaming of a better life, her head tucked under his, his chest hairs tickling her cheek.
“You never need to hide from me.”
“If you knew everything, you might disagree.”
“What happens when you see Crane?”
For a moment, Fleur allowed herself to dip her toes back into the darkness of Crane’s malice. Chills infested her body, making her tremble, even though Jani warmed her with his body. “He doesn’t actually appear. At least, I don’t think so. I hear his voice in my head all the time. He taunts me. He calls me a dog, insignificant.” She raised her head to look at Jani. “Sometimes I think I’m going crazy.”
“You’re not crazy. You’ve been traumatized by the most sadistic shit I ever met.” Jani’s lips compressed and he regarded her through sad eyes.
“He’s still trying to influence me. He said horrible things about you, he called you a traitor. Jani, he told me to murder you while you slept.” She averted her eyes, unable to face him after the admission. “I know he’s not real. But if he’s not, what does that make me? If I’m having these thoughts, I must be just as evil. Maybe I’m not capable of goodness.”
“Hey.” He raised her chin with a finger. The touch, so gentle, was the complete opposite of how Crane had manhandled her. “I know you would never hurt me, just as I would never hurt you. You’re not evil, Fleur. You’ve been through hell. That man abused you for five years. Of course you would hear his voice. I hear it too.”
“You do?”
“Perhaps not the same way you do. My association with Crane didn’t last as long, but it doesn’t mean I was unscathed. I have worries. I have bad dreams.” He dragged a hand through her hair and brought her forehead against his. “And the worst nightmares are the ones in which he hurts you.”
Fleur swallowed the lump in her throat, wanting to be as strong for him as he was for her.
“I still see him touch you sometimes, and I can’t do anything about it because the man is dead. I’m glad Byron killed him, I am. But, I swear to God, Fleur, I wish it had been me. I would have ripped his throat out and shoved it back in his mouth.”
Her heart leapt. She knew Jani cared, but to hear him express such violent affection stymied her. She’d never known anyone to feel that way about her. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. Just know you’re not alone. While we have each other, in whatever way, neither of us is alone.” After taking a couple of breaths, he relaxed his mouth and kissed her. The soft, slow embrace sent pings of joy right into her toes. “And for the record, Crane may have been a smart and devious man, but in one way, he was an imbecile. There is nothing about you that is insignificant. You, Fleur, are important, and especially to me.”
This was it, the moment she’d tell him how she felt. Nervous tingles made her skin break into goose pimples, but it still felt right. To hear him say she was important was the most wonderful compliment she’d ever been paid. Hopefully Jani would consider her words a compliment as well. “Jani, last night I wanted to tell you something…”
Knock. Knock. Someone rapped on Jani’s cabin door.
“Ignore it,” he muttered.
Knock. Knock.
They both sighed. As they waited a few moments, wondering if the person would go away, the unwanted guest knocked yet again.
“Go,” said Fleur, laughing softly. “I can wait.”
Jani slid out from under her and out of bed. As he reached over and retrieved a pair of track pants from the floor, Fleur admired his long, hard body. Under her frank appraisal, he hardened. He took his time putting on the pants, his gaze locked on hers, his eyes hooded and full of desire. His thigh muscles flexed as he drew the pants up to his hips. “We’re not done here, mindenem. You know that, right?”
She nodded, feeling a flutter of excitement as she remembered what they got up to the previous evening.
With another sigh of exasperation, Jani strode out of the room and answered the front door. There were a couple of hushed voices but then Fleur recognized Elaine’s soprano tones among them.
Curious, Fleur got out of bed and wrapped a sheet around her body. She made her way into the hallway and looked into the living room. “Elaine?”
Elaine stood in the front room with Jani and a bashful Connor. The mountain lion man stood right next to Elaine, but when
he saw Fleur dressed in a sheet, he reddened and pretended to become interested in the ceiling tiles.
“Uh, sorry, guys,” Connor said, rubbing the back of his neck, still looking away. “We were on our way to the lodge and Elaine really wanted to check on Fleur.” He glanced at Elaine. “Maybe we should go now.”
Elaine smiled at Fleur. “I thought I might find you here.”
Fleur let out a nervous giggle. “Yup.”
“Are you feeling better?”
“I’m getting there.”
“What can we do for you, Elaine?” Jani asked.
“Connor and I were on our way to Charlotte’s baby shower and I wondered if you guys might want to walk over with us.”
“Fuck,” Jani said, putting a hand over his mouth. “I forgot about the baby shower. I promised I’d go too.” He shot Fleur an apologetic look.
“It’s okay,” Fleur said. “You guys go. I’ll hang out here and wait for you to get back, Jani.”
Elaine shuffled over to Fleur’s side and whispered, “Actually, I was hoping you’d come as well.”
“Me? I don’t know. I’m not really a baby shower kind of girl.”
“Fleur, please,” Elaine begged. “I don’t think I can do this alone.”
“But you won’t be alone.”
“No, but I feel most alone when I’m in a crowd. Look, right now, I’m sort of an outsider. You feel like an outsider too. Maybe the outsiders can give each other moral support. If you’re with me, I might be able to endure all those sympathetic glances.”
“But I don’t have a gift for the baby,” Fleur replied, in a last-ditch attempt to avoid the camaraderie and friendship.
“I do,” Jani said. “It can be from both of us.”
“Please.” Elaine’s blue eyes shimmered.
“Okay.” Fleur relented. “Just give me fifteen minutes to get showered and dressed.”