by Montana Ash
“Well? Go ahead …” He issued the invitation to Max caustically. She raised her head slowly and stared directly into his eyes. Ryker barely suppressed a shiver. The look was somehow ancient; the knowledge in those turquoise depths, profound. He started to feel a little sick in his stomach.
“I may not have known what I was. But I assure you, I have always known who I was – who I am! Do you think I’ve been walking around all these years feeling the heartbeat of the earth under my feet, hearing the secrets of the world whispered on the wind, without realising I was something … other? You think I can just walk past a homeless person on the street and not look into their eyes? Or see a stray cat and not feel its hunger? Do you really think I could ignore all of that? Just pretend to be blind, deaf, and dumb? I assure you, I have always known exactly who I was and what my purpose is and I’ll be dammed if I’ll let a room full of cowards tell me what my responsibilities are!
“You know, I don’t sleep? Those nightmares you see me have every night? They’re not really nightmares. It’s the world. Every time I close my eyes I hear it – pounding out a rhythm of pain and fear and wrongness. Nature screams it’s agony ... souls beg for mercy ... life cries in pain. The roar of injustice is a perpetual loop in my head. I can’t turn it off, I can’t turn it down. Life scrapes its tortured nails against my gut, peeling layers and leaving nothing but raw flesh in its wake. It’s an acid in my veins, corrosive and scarring. It’s all I hear and all I see; every day and every night. There is no escaping the world. No escaping life. So don’t you dare stand there and accuse me of ignorance. After meeting the rest of your so-called wardens, I might just be the only one who knows exactly who I am!”
Max was so angry she swore she could feel the ground shaking beneath her feet. In fact, the chairs were beginning to rattle, the windows were trembling and the door burst open to allow for a gust of heated air to rush through the room like a locomotive. All of her calm, all of her logical thinking, all of the reasons why she was supposed to keep her powers in check no longer seemed important. She wanted to make them hurt the same way she hurt.
“Max! Max! Stop! Calm yourself. You don’t really want to do this.” Someone yelled.
She watched in fascination as birds landed in the open doorway and kangaroos lined up in the yard. She could hear the ocean pounding the sand and feel warmth spread from her centre and settle in her palms. “What I want is to be left alone unless you actually mean it when you say I’m important, that I’m your friend and you care what happens to me. I am more than a name. I am more than my past. And I will always be more than my future.”
“We believe you.” Diana kept her grey eyes zeroed on Max’s. “We believe you Max and we’re all sorry. You’ve been misunderstood and underestimated but we can see you now.”
Max tilted her head and felt her hair dance around her face as if controlled by static electricity. “You see me?”
Diana, allied to the domain of loss and grief smiled and nodded and said the one thing Max yearned to hear; “We can see you.”
Max released her powers on her next breath … and felt her whole body go rigid as she fell hard to the floor, her stiff limbs jerked and shuddered and her neck arched into a painfully uncomfortable position.
“What the hell is wrong with her?” Ryker shouted, trying to hold her flailing limbs.
“She’s having a seizure.” That was Diana. Her calm voice was the complete opposite to Ryker’s panicked one. “Don’t touch her. You’ll only do more harm, just make sure everything is out of her way. She should stop in a minute.”
Max would have smiled if her jaw hadn’t been clenched so tight. Diana seemed to know what she was talking about. Perhaps Ryker had been right all along to wait for the paladin of death to arrive. Max had no choice but to give herself up to the convulsions and was glad her eyes were closed so she couldn’t see the look of horror and disgust on the knights faces. Hopefully she would pass out so she wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath. Two minutes later though she discovered her hopes were fruitless for her body stopped its jitterbug routine and she was left to face a whole room full of brittle silence.
“Max. Can you open your eyes?” Although Diana spoke softly, Max still hissed as her headache flared to life. She needed a dark quiet room, like yesterday.
“Max? Come on now. You’re scaring everyone.”
“Well we can’t have that now, can we?” She jeered. “Wouldn’t want to worry the poor paladins over little ‘ole me.” She cracked her eyes open and her worst fears were confirmed. All seven knights were crouched around her with varying expressions of concern, guilt and pity. It was the pity she couldn’t handle. Going to push herself up, she swore colourfully as she realised her limbs were not going to cooperate. Shit! It was going to take her days to recover from this and all she wanted to do was get the hell out of dodge.
“I can make that happen faster for you if that’s what you really want?”
The ambiguous words from Diana had her focusing on the curly haired gypsy. “Huh?” Oh, she was so articulate right now.
Diana’s full lips quirked, “You were talking out loud. I can heal you almost instantaneously and then you can be on your way if that is your wish.”
Max narrowed her eyes, or at least attempted to. Her muscles still weren’t behaving themselves properly. “What’s the catch Azrael?”
Diana laughed outright at that. “The Angel of Death, huh? I like it.” She focused her soft grey eyes on Max once more, “The catch? You need to accept my vitality.”
Before Max could voice her denial Ryker butted his big fat head in, “Good luck with that. We’ve been trying to get her to recharge for days. The woman is the stubbornest, most infuriating female on the planet!”
“Shut the fuck up Ryker!” Cali snarled before Max could snipe at him. She felt her jaw drop in sync with Ryker’s. Had Cali just told the king of self-righteousness to shut the fuck up? He opened his mouth but couldn’t get a word out before Diana started in on him too.
“Don’t even!” Diana rumbled, sounding as equally as furious as Cali. “She has been here for over two weeks. There is no excuse good enough as to why a warden would be so low on energy that she is experiencing seizures. Wardens only do that when they are empty and practically dead!”
“She wouldn’t let us!” Lark shouted.
“And we didn’t know she was having seizures.” Beyden said pitifully looking like he had been whipped.
“I don’t want to hear it. She is a Warden and you are all paladins. Regardless of your histories your duty is first and foremost to see to the health of wardens. You should have forced the issue, found a way to get her to accept and understand. The lack is with you, not with Max.” Diana reprimanded and Max fell in love with her in that moment. Not only was the dark haired beauty glorious in her indignation, she was also defending Max of her own free will, expecting nothing in return. The others had all been nice to her, but their allegiance was clearly with Ryker. Diana was acting in the best interest of Max alone.
“I accept. Tell me what I have to do.” She stated simply. Max ignored all the shocked gasps around her and focused on Diana’s smile.
“Look at my aura. See all the colours? Now concentrate on them, on pulling them towards you. The energy contorts to your will, see it, hear it, touch it.” Max listened to the melody of Diana’s voice and followed her instructions. She was surprised when the colours shimmering around Diana seemed to dance and flirt with her as they moved gracefully towards her. It was almost too easy.
“Gold.” She said, probably making no sense to anyone, “Pretty.”
Diana smiled, “I’m glad you think so. Now feel the gold as it goes into your body. Just let it in. That’s it.” Diana praised.
She had been worried it would feel hollow and cold like when the chades tried to drain her but it was nothing like that. It was warm and peace-filled and felt as natural as breathing. How had she gone her whole life without this? She felt freaking amaz
ing!
“How do you feel?” Cali asked as she offered her hand.
Max accepted and smiled in thanks as she let herself get pulled to her feet. She stretched her back, shook out her limbs and cracked her neck. She felt like she could run a marathon! She didn’t remember feeling this good – ever!
“I feel gooood. Real gooood.” She figured her smile was probably a little evil but shit, she felt like she could jump buildings with a single bound! She placed her hand on Diana’s arm and bowed her head in thanks. “Thank you for your service.” Diana acknowledged her silently with a dip of her head.
“Max …”
Max finally raised her eyes and met those of the other paladins. They all felt guilty and sad and pissed off but the emotion that had Max dialling back her snark was hope. They were feeling hopeful. Of what Max had no clue and at the moment she didn’t particularly care. She really did just want to get the hell out of there. “I’ll get my things and I would really appreciate it if I could get that lift into town I was promised nearly three weeks ago.”
“Max, please wait.” Axel stepped forward.
“No more platitudes guys. I’m not your Warden. You are not my paladins. I’m a piss-poor excuse for a warden anyway. I’m going to leave so I don’t fuck up your lives any more than they already are.”
“Five minutes.”
Despite herself, Max paused at the two roughly muttered words. Be strong Max. He’s an arsehole playing at a good guy. Not a good guy playing an arsehole. She really couldn’t survive another rejection from Ryker and his motley crew. And with all this lovely go-juice flowing in her veins, she was fairly tempted to smite his rock solid butt!
“Five minutes.” He repeated.
TWENTY-FIVE
Max hadn’t spoken a word but she had turned and walked out of the kitchen and straight down to the beach. She knew he followed because she could sense his presence as well as the air he displaced as he moved. She could also feel the way the sand shifted and absorbed his weight and hear how his pulse thundered in his carotid artery. Diana’s gold energy sure was some potent shit! Max felt like a hyperactive chipmunk, she wanted to run and leap and dance and … well, screw Ryker’s brains out. She figured that would be an efficient way of relieving herself of some of the excess energy. But unless the man was here to grovel at her feet and beg for mercy, then she would have to find another outlet.
“Are you going to ask me to stay?” She asked bluntly.
Ryker grimaced, stretching his scar. She still had no idea how he had received the terrible injury. But that grimace said it all. Not interested in anything else he had to say she turned and headed back the way she had come.
“It hasn’t been five minutes.” He yelled after her.
She dropped her head to her chest and spun back around. “You have three minutes left.”
He nodded and ran his hands through his unkempt hair in clear agitation. “It’s not that I don’t want you to stay Max. It’s just …” He trailed off.
“You don’t want another flawed reject around.” Max filled in the blanks. “I get it, don’t worry.”
“That isn’t it.”
“Yes it is. I’ve heard a lot about you over the past few weeks. You were one of the most respected paladins in history, born from a long line of honourable men and women, bound to serve and protect some of the most significant humans in the history of the world. Then suddenly, you became nothing – worse than nothing – you lost your honour within a society based on it. You lost your purpose so you hid yourself away in this beautiful secluded home to lick your wounds. You gave up and surrounded yourself with people who were as equally flawed as you so you could never be hurt or disappointed again. You take the snide comments and ignore the whispers behind your back because you think you deserve it. You don’t have enough guts to take on the responsibility of a warden again because you’re too afraid of what might happen if you fail.”
“Afraid? You think I’m afraid?” He stalked forward so he was nose to nose with her. “I’m not afraid, Max. I am bone-deep, piss my pants, makes me want to vomit, terrified!” His chest was rising and falling in rapid succession and Max could feel the fear pumping from him in waves. Despite herself she felt herself soften towards him as he continued;
“I failed! Don’t you get it Max? I failed them all! My Warden, my knights … nature itself! I was their Captain, their leader and they trusted me to protect them. They’re all dead Max. Every last one of them.”
Max nodded her head, really beginning to understand him now, “And you’re still alive.”
He barked out a harsh laugh, “Yes. And I’m still alive.”
Unable to help herself, Max placed her hand over his trembling arm. She didn’t think he was even aware that he was shaking. But he was – shaking and trembling and pale beyond belief. “You have survivor’s guilt.” And likely a very healthy dose of PTSD, Max added silently.
“Survivor’s guilt? Those two little words can’t even come close to describing how I feel.”
His body was turned to hers now, their fronts almost touching and she raised both arms to wrap around his neck, rubbing her thumbs back and forth just under his hair line. “Why don’t you tell me then?” She held her breath, awaiting his response. This moment was it. The last chance either one of them were going to get.
****
Ryker stared into the abyss of Max’s exotic eyes and felt himself falling even further under her spell. She was truly amazing, offering him comfort and an outlet for his steel-trapped emotions even after all the horrible things he had said and done since meeting her. And not ensuring to her health? Not forcing the vitality issue? Diana was right; he should be whipped. The feeling of her hands on his skin and the warm pressure of her body along his invited comfort, invited peace, and offered a safe haven for his thoughts and feelings. He wanted to bask in her forever. Dare he reveal his past to this incredible woman? A woman who had been born with great gifts and a higher purpose. A woman who had been alone her entire life with the hounds of hell snapping at her heels and yet still managed to be warm and giving and loving. A woman who experienced untold pain on a daily basis if this most recent episode was anything to go by. For the first time in decades Ryker felt thoroughly ashamed of himself. He had been feeling so sorry for himself for so long he had become blinded to the suffering of others. He had been assuaging his guilt by offering shelter to the others and offering his skills at the training lodge, contenting himself that his paladin status wasn’t going to waste, that he was contributing to their society. In actual fact, he had been hiding out and Max was absolutely right; he had been surrounding himself with people he thought were just as damaged as he was. The joke was on him though, given that Darius, Axel, Beyden, Lark, Cali and Diana were some of the best people he had ever known. They were knights through and through and he was proud to be associated with them.
“Ryker?”
He glanced down to find Max’s beseeching eyes once again studying his face. She was so beautiful. He had been around a lot of beautiful people in his time – Max was correct in thinking the paladins were blessed with good genes. But none other could compare to the tiny woman in front of him. Her hair was gleaming in the sunlight, throwing off rich flames of red and gold as it curled enticingly around her shoulders and breasts. Her face was flawlessly smooth, a rich cream canvas that was spread over rounded cheekbones before coming to a softly curved chin. She wasn’t smiling but he could picture the one dimple on the left side of her face just above those plump, Cupid’s bow lips of hers. They were naturally red and revealed even white teeth whenever she smiled – which was often. She had no hard angles on her anywhere, unlike many of the women warriors he had bedded over the years. Instead, she was soft and curvy from the top of her remarkable breasts to those flared hips of hers, ending in those smooth calves. That’s not to say she didn’t have her fair share of hard-won muscle. He felt the strength and resilience in her body each time they touched. He nearly groaned as his
mind decided to give him a live action replay of their one time sleeping together. Now really wasn’t the time.
He took a deep breath and bent down to rest his forehead against hers, “Are you sure you really want to know?”
Her answering smile made his pathetic heart skip a beat, “I’m sure.”
Without thinking and doing what felt entirely natural, he placed a soft peck on her red lips and took her hand, “Let’s sit down.”
****
He started by telling her what it was like growing up in a loving home with one parent who loved him unconditionally and showered him with affection. His father had been an amazing man, a paladin of great honour descended from one of the highest ranking paladin casts in history. His domain had also been life and he was bound to one of the wardens on the International Council. When Ryker had been born, his father’s warden had coincidently also been pregnant. She had then taken a secondment so to speak for the next twenty years in order to raise her own son. He had never met his mother, she was a warden and was apparently horrified when she had given birth to a healthy paladin son instead of a warden like herself. She had dumped Ryker on his father’s doorstep and they had never seen her again.
Given he was now two hundred and five years old, he had grown up in the time before the Great Massacre. Back then in England, wardens were a lot more active in their roles and the role of paladins was a more extensive one than merely playing battery charger and bodyguard. Orders truly were like families, living and working together to ensure their domains were upheld, giving and taking vitality in equal measures. Ryker and Flint had practically been raised together and were like brothers. So when Ryker’s father had been killed alongside his warden, Flame, when he was thirty-five, it was the most natural thing in the world to bind himself to her son. Flint had become his liege and Ryker had spent the next one hundred and thirty years of his life guarding an amazing man and heading up the Order of Ember, alongside five other paladins.