Someone who sucks credit cards.
*
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
“None, dahling, I’ll sit in the dark . . .”
*
Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?
Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets.
*
A Palestinian gentleman was taking a walk on the West Bank when he was brutally beaten by a gang of young Israeli toughs. Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he bought a huge German Shepherd trained to kill on command and went out to seek revenge.
It didn't take him long to see the perfect victim: a little old Jewish man walking a little dog that somewhat resembled a dachshund. The Palestinian loosed his ferocious dog—but to his astonishment he saw the little dog pin his dog to the ground and swallow his dog whole, all within thirty seconds.
“What kind of dog is that?” he gasped, ashen-faced.
“Well, before we had his nose fixed he used to be an alligator,” explained the little Jewish man.
WASP
What's the definition of a WASP?
Someone who gets out of the shower to pee.
*
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.
*
What do WASPs say after they make love?
“Thank you very much; it'll never happen again.”
*
How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
*
Where do WASPs eat?
Restaurants.
*
What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes?
A failure.
*
How can you tell the only WASP in a sauna?
He's the one with the Wall Street Journal on his lap.
*
What's a WASP's idea of a welfare check?
An Irish tartan.
*
Why did God create WASPs?
Somebody had to buy retail.
*
How do WASPs wean their young?
By firing the maid.
*
What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
Dating a Canadian.
*
What do you get when you cross a Jew and a WASP?
A pushy Pilgrim.
*
What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?
I don't know, but whatever it is, it won't let you in its cage.
*
What do you get when you cross a WASP and a Puerto Rican?
Assault and battery.
*
How can you tell a male WASP is sexually excited?
By the stiff upper lip.
*
How many WASPs does it take to plan a trip to Israel?
Two. One to ask where, and one to ask why.
*
What do little girl WASPs want to be when they grow up?
“The very best person I possibly can.”
*
Why did the WASP cross the road?
To get to the middle.
*
What's a WASP’s idea of foreplay?
Drying the dishes.
*
How can you tell the WASPs in a Chinese restaurant?
They're the ones not sharing the food.
*
What's a WASP's idea of post-coital depression?
Not being able to reach The New Yorker from bed.
*
How does a WASP propose marriage?
He asks, “How would you like to be buried with my people?”
*
Two WASPs were making love when the man looked down and said, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” she replied. “Why?”
“You moved.”
Black
This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
“Wow!” says the bartender. That is really something. Where'd you get it?”
“Africa,” says the parrot.
*
What has six legs and goes “Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do?”
Three blacks running for the elevator.
*
What's another word for cocoon?
N-nigger.
*
What's black and white and goes rolling along the boardwalk?
A black and a pigeon fighting over a chicken wing.
*
How do you shoot a black man?
Aim for the boombox.
*
What do you call a black boy with a bicycle?
Thief!
*
What's the new Webster's definition of the word “confusion?”
Father's Day in Harlem.
*
What's the new Webster's definition of the word “reneg?”
Shift change at the carwash.
*
A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him.
“I wanna be rich,” said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye.
Tm no fool,” said the black. “I wanna be white.” And there he stood, white, blond-haired and blue-eyed.
“Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life.”
And he was black again.
*
A successful black banker got into the latest fad: hang gliding. He went out and bought a beautiful, sky-blue jumpsuit, took his hang glider, and proceeded to float off over the woods.
Two old white farmers, Royce and J.T., had picked the same day to do a little hunting. Royce looked up and said to J.T., “Shit! Dat's de biggest goddam bird I eva seen!”
“Let's get em,” said J.T.
They fired off several rounds, but the glider floated serenely over the trees and out of sight.
“Hell, Royce,” said J.T., “I b'lieve we dusted dat bird.”
“Shit, I know we dusted em,” said Royce. “Did you see how fast it dropped dat nigger?”
*
What do you get when you bury a thousand blacks up to their necks?
Afroturf.
*
An old Southern planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant.
“Well, doctor,” drawls the planter, “you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a nigger.”
When he comes out of the anesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. “Cal,” he says, “I got some good news and some bad news. I had to use a nigger's heart.”
Cal pales.
“But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.”
*
What do you call a black millionaire industrialist?
A tycoon.
*
What do you call a black Frenchman?
Jacques Custodian.
*
What do you call a black test-tube baby?
Janitor in a Drum.
*
Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?
Because every time the sergeant said “Get down,” they stood up and started dancing.
*
Why are the palms of black people's hands white?
Because they were all leaned up against cop cars when God spray-painted.
*
Did you hear about the new perfume for black women?
It's called Eau-de-doo-dah-day.
*
How do you keep little black kids from jumping up and down on the bed?
Put Velcro on the ceiling.
*
What color's a blac
k who's run over by a steamroller?
Flat black.
Ethnic Jokes-Variegated
Why didn't the black man want to marry a Mexican?
He didn't want the kids to grow up too lazy to steal.
*
Do you know about the world's shortest books?
Polish Wit and Wisdom
Jewish Business Ethics
Italian War Heroes
and Negroes I Have Met While Yachting
*
How can you tell there's an Irishman present at a cockfight?
He enters a duck.
How can you tell a Pole is present?
He bets on the duck.
How can you tell an Italian is present?
The duck wins.
*
Do you know the Irish definition of foreplay?
“Brace yourself, Bridget!”
*
“Help! Help!” cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. “An Irishman molested me!”
“How'd you know he was Irish?” inquired the sergeant at the desk.
“I had to help him,” she gasped.
*
“Dad,” said the kid, “can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?”
“Here's ten dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl.”
*
Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?
He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.
*
A Jew, a Hindu, and an Irishman were traveling together, and as night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were available in the inn but that he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travelers drew straws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn.
In a few minutes there was a knock on the door, to which the innkeeper responded. “I'm so sorry,” explained the Jew, “but there is a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig.”
The Hindu had taken the next straw, and out he went. In a few minutes, though, there was another knock, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologizing gracefully, he explained that his religious persuasion forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was indeed such a creature in the barn.
Finally, out went the Irishman. In a few minutes there was yet another knock on the door, which the innkeeper answered. On the sill stood the pig and the cow.
*
An Italian, a Pole, and a black man moved out to California to seek their fortunes. The Italian and the black got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Pole finding employment. Finally, one evening he announced to his roommates that he had a big interview the next morning at nine and, setting the alarm well ahead of time, he went to bed.
In the middle of the night the other two snuck into his room, smeared his face and hands with black shoe polish, and set the alarm forward. When it went off in the morning, the Pole leaped from his bed, pulled on his clothes, and dashed off so as not to be late for the critical interview.
The interviewer invited him in with an apologetic expression on his face. Tm sorry to have brought you here for nothing,” he said, “but I'm afraid we simply don't employ blacks.”
“Blacks! What are you talking about?” sputtered the Pole. “My name is Joe Bukarski!”
“I'm so sorry, Mr. Bukarski, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy.”
“But I'm not black!”
“I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're black, but have you looked in a mirror lately?”
The Pole got up and went over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammered, “Oh my God— they woke the wrong guy!”
*
The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their chutes. The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating toward the earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the cord—and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord—nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.
“Oh,” shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, “so ya wanna race!”
*
A Jew and a Chinaman were in a bar together. The Jew brought up the subject of Pearl Harbor, reprimanding the Chinaman for the disgraceful role his countrymen had played. He protested vehemently, pointing out that the raid had been made by the Japanese, and that China was in no way to blame.
“Japanese, Chinese, they're all the same to me,” retorted the Jew.
Pretty soon the Chinese fellow started talking about the tragic sinking of the Titanic, asking the guy if he didn't feel some degree of personal responsibility about it.
“Hey, wait a minute!'' protested the guy. “The jews didn't have anything to do with the sinking of the Titanic—it was sunk by an iceberg!''
“Iceberg, Goldberg,'' said the Chinaman, “they're all the same to me.”
*
What's eight miles long and has an IQ of forty?
The St. Patrick's Day Parade.
*
A widower was devoted to his only daughter and naturally was concerned when she decided not only to get married but to marry a Greek. Blushing furiously, he sat her down to discuss the facts of life, but she brushed him off, assuring him she knew all about those things and not to worry.
“Well, just one thing,” the father implored. “If he asks you to turn over, you don't have to.”
The young couple got married and were extremely happy until about six months had gone by. Embracing his wife in bed, the Greek said, “Why don't you roll over, dearest?”
“Oh, no, you don't!” she said. “My father said if I don't want to, I don't have to.”
“Whatsamatter,” he said, “don't you wanna get pregnant?”
*
Sammy Davis, Jr. stepped onto a bus in Jacksonville, and the bus driver said, “Nigger, get to the back of the bus.”
But I'm Jewish,” protested Davis.
“Get off.”
*
An Italian, a Jew, and a Greek were walking down the sidewalk when—ZAP—a bolt of lightning came down and killed all three instantly. Up they went to the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greeted them warmly.
“Saint Peter, you can't do this to us,” they protested vehemently. “We're young men in the prime of life. Please let us go on living.”
St. Peter pondered the issue. “Well,” he finally pronounced, I’ll let you go back to Earth on one condition: that from this moment on, you all promise to abstain from your one most favorite activity.”
The young men lost no time in giving their fervent promises, and—WHAM—found themselves back walking down the sidewalk. What should they come across on the corner but a pizza parlor. The Italian broke into a sweat. Unable to resist temptation, he dashed in, ordered a slice, took a bite, and—POOF!—vanished in a puff of smoke. The Jew and Greek were understandably sobered by this event and continued walking, when a quarter rolled across the sidewalk.
His eyes lighting up, the Jew bent over to pick it up.
And the Greek disappeared.
*
What do you call a fat Chinaman?
A chunk.
*
What do you gat when you cross a Mexican and an Iranian?
Oil of Olé.
*
Did you hear about the football game between Italy and Poland? The Italians all started arguing about who was going to be quarterback and walked off the field, and three plays later the Poles won.
*
A Pole, an Italian, and an Irishman have planned an expedition across the Sahara, and at the appointed time each shows up with the baggage critical to his survival.
Motioning to his flask, the Irishm
an says, “It's going to be a thirsty business, this crossing the desert, and I’ll need a drop to drink.”
Nodding his approval, the Italian points out his potful of pasta. “Itsa gonna be hungry work,” he says.
They look across at the Pole, who is carrying nothing but a turquoise-and-white left front door to a '57 Chevy. “It's going to be plenty hot out there,” he explains, “and I want to be able to roll down the window.”
*
A Pole, an Italian and a Jew are marooned on an island. While walking along the beach, one of them comes across an old bottle. He rubs it and out comes a genie, who is empowered to grant them each their dearest wish.
“Ah,” says the Italian, “let me go back to the Old Country, where the wine is sweet and the women are beautiful.” Poof!—he vanishes.
“For me,” says the Jew, “I want to go to the Holy Land and live out the rest of my days with my people.” Poof!—he vanishes.
“Gee,” says the Pole, “it's kind of lonely here. I wish I had my friends back.”
*
What's six miles long and goes four miles per hour?
A Mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
*
Why did God give Mexicans noses?
So they'd have something to pick in the off season.
*
The English teacher in a public school in Spanish Harlem decided it was time for the weekly vocabulary lesson. “What's the difference between select and choose, Ramon?” she asked.
“Select is when you pick something,” he answered, “and choose are what Puerto Ricans wear on their feet.”
*
An Irishman, a Frenchman, and a Pole walk into a bar.
Truly Tasteless Jokes One Page 2