by Burk, Jeff
There were ten Shatners in their group. Denny Crane seemed to be their leader. Bruce had no idea who Denny Crane was but he claimed to be the greatest lawyer in history. The other Shatners were much less talkative. One, whose clothes and skin were colored like a black and white TV show, seemed to be in a constant state of nervous breakdown. One wore an outfit that reminded Bruce of the outfits at a Renaissance Fair when he was a boy. He walked with his arms limp at his side, his head hung low, and occasionally sighed.
Another of the Shatners danced in front of him and got down on his knees. “This…is…our…destiny.”
“Sorry about earlier. You know, with the whole hitting you thing,” said Bruce.
The Shatner ignored him and pranced away.
“What’s with him?” muttered Bruce.
“Ignore him,” said Crane, “he just wants attention.”
* * *
Kirk moved toward Shatner twirling the lightsaber from side to side, the blade instantly devaluing collectibles and severing limbs.
Shatner spun the bat’leth in front of him and stepped forward to meet his combatant.
Kirk swung the lightsaber.
Shatner moved to the side and hit Kirk in the back with the bat’leth’s dull side.
Kirk spun around and swiped widely through the air with his weapon.
Shatner dropped to his knees, and the lightsaber went over his head. He attacked again with the bat’leth. This time the sharp side made contact and cut through Kirk’s uniform and girdle. The blade slid into his side and black goo splashed out onto Shatner.
Kirk stumbled back and held his wound. He raised the lightsaber and went to make another attack. But before he could, a twelve inch by twelve inch steel Borg ship replica came flying through the air and bounced off the side of his head. Kirk crumbled straight to the floor.
Shatner turned and was horrified to see it was Bob who had saved his life.
Bob rushed forward and grabbed Shatner’s arm. “Come on, we got to go.”
Shatner looked to the twitching Kirk and did not really see a better option.
* * *
Kirk lay on the ground flashing in and out of consciousness, his legs jerking uncontrollably. Then he went totally still.
He suddenly sat up. Something did not feel right in his head. He balled his hands into fists and slammed them into his temples, again and again.
He picked up the lightsaber and lurched to his feet. A small crowd of onlookers had now gathered around Kirk. He took two groggy steps forward and then flicked on the lightsaber. When the beam shot out the crowd jumped back.
Kirk smiled and started swinging
There definitely was something wrong with Captain Kirk’s head.
CHAPTER NINE
Shatner and Bob raced through the hallways. The convention was now in a total state of mass panic. News of the death and destruction had filtered its way to all the attendees.
“Where…are we going?” asked Shatner as they rushed through another doorway and pushed passed frightened convention goers.
“I don’t know,” said Bob, “anywhere away from Kirk.”
They ran on and then Bob stopped.
“In here,” he said as he threw open one of the many nondescript doors that lined the hallway. Shatner ran into the room as Bob looked back to see if Kirk was coming. Luckily for them, he was nowhere in sight. Then Bob ran through the door.
The room was fifty feet wide and went back twenty. The walls were lined with tables loaded down with booze and food and about a dozen metal folding chairs. Gold balloons danced about the ceiling with the air conditioning and the walls draped with gold streams. A few scattered purses and backpacks were about. The partiers must have fled the room in a hurry when everything started going down.
Bob turned the deadbolt on the door and push in the knob lock. He leaned against the door and looked around.
“I think we’re in the Green Room,” he said.
“About…damn time…I…found this place,” Shatner said heading for the table piled high with sandwich meat.
“You’re braver than I am,” said Bob going for the wine and cheese spread, “who knows how long that meat has been sitting out.”
“When you’ve…been on…the convention circuit…as long…as I have,” Shatner said through an over-filled mouth, “you…can…handle anything.”
Bob snorted and began to gorge himself on fine cheeses. Both men were ravenous. It had been a very eventful day.
Bob heard a very faint sound of movement behind him. It was barely noticeable but he was sure he heard it.
He spun around and heard a much louder noise, like someone ducking for cover. He scanned the room. The room was decently large but there was nowhere for anyone to hide. From where he stood, Bob could see under all the tables. All the chairs were folding chairs, so no one could be hiding behind them. The only door was the door that led back into the hallway and he was sure no one had opened it—the bolt was still locked.
“Hey Bill.”
“Yeah,” he said through a mashed up combination of salami, brie, and melon balls.
“I think there’s someone else in the room.”
Shatner froze and forced the mouthful of food down his throat. His head slowly turned as he looked for any sign of an intruder.
“I…don’t see…anyone,” said Shatner.
“Neither do I,” Bob’s eyes fiercely narrowed, “but I heard them.”
Bob motioned for Shatner to move forward and they began to slowly move across the room. Their senses were on edge, trying to identify the intruder. They made it to the other side of the room, but there was no indication of anybody.
“I think…you’re…losing it,” said Shatner.
“Wait,” said Bob pointing, “that wasn’t there before.”
In the left corner of the room was a full-sized cardboard cutout of Captain Kirk. The display was not made from a photo-however, it was an artists rendition of the Starfleet hero done with a sixties pop-art vibe.
“Are you sure…you just…didn’t notice it?”
Bob approached the cutout. “Not a chance. This is a display of the woefully short lived Star Trek: Animated Series Kirk.”
He stood directly in front of Cartoon Kirk and stared intently at the face. “Incredible. I never even knew these were made. I thought I had the full collection of cutouts but somehow I miss—”
Cartoon Kirk blinked.
Bob jumped back and tripped over his own feet. “Holy shit,” he gasped as he fell on his ass.
The cutout sprung to life and turned its side to Bob. It was gone.
Bob got to his feet and looked around—there was no sign of Cartoon Kirk.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he started walking around the edge of the room in a wide arc. He motioned to Shatner to do the same.
As he passed the cheese table, Bob snatched a large knife off it. Shatner saw this and quickly grabbed his own from a nearby tuna spread.
As they moved around the room a shape began to take form in the center. First it looked like a person sized stick and then, as they moved further around, the shape became the clear form of Cartoon Kirk.
Bob thrust forward the knife. He was getting tired of all this, “Bill, you get him from behind.” They began to move at him.
Cartoon Kirk got to his knees and put his face in his hands. “Please…just…do…it.”
Shatner and Bob paused in their approach and looked at each other. This was not what they were expecting. They lowered their knives and moved cautiously forward, ready for this to be some kind of trap.
Cartoon Kirk started sobbing, “Please.”
They stood around the two-dimensional Shatner. There was no back and front to the living animation. Though Shatner and Bob were on different sides, they looked down at the same sad image of a crying man.
Cartoon Kirk jumped up and spread out his arms wide.
Shatner screamed and jumped back while slashing with the knife. The blade
cut through the figure easily, tearing him from the belly-button to just beneath his left armpit—to Bob it was the right.
Everyone froze and stared at the flapping rip. Cartoon Kirk did not lose any sturdiness to his figure and appeared to be otherwise unharmed. He looked down at the cut and dejectedly flopped his arms down. He stared straight ahead at Shatner and Bob.
Bob was getting confused. “Are you…OK?”
“We…do…not…belong here…I…can’t…be here,” his eyes shifted to meet Shatner and Bob’s, “but you…two…do…you are …real…Shatners.”
Bob couldn’t help but feel pride well up inside at being called a “real Shatner.” THE William Shatner was annoyed.
“But…life is…precious…to live…to be free…why would…anyone want to…give that up?” Shatner asked.
“I…am…a…shadow of a shadow,” said Cartoon Kirk weakly, “the others…are angry…I’m not…real enough…for anger…you’d…want…to die too.”
They were all silent.
“OK,” said Bob, “let’s give him what he wants. But how do you purpose we do it.” He reached forward and batted the cut flap of cartoon flesh with his hand, “this didn’t work.”
“I…don’t…know,” said Cartoon Kirk, “but…I…can’t live like this.”
Shatner thought hard and then snapped his fingers. “Fire.”
“Fire?” asked Bob.
“You…ever…see a film reel…burn up…in a projector?”
“Yeah,” said Bob, “but where are we going to get fire from.”
“The…bags,” said Shatner pointing, “the purses…and backpacks…surely one of them…belonged…to a smoker.”
Bob nodded and went over to a nearby purse and started digging through it. Shatner found a briefcase and popped it open. Cartoon Kirk watched them without any display of emotion. After checking a few bags, they each found a lighter.
They walked back to Cartoon Kirk
“Are…you…sure about this,” asked Shatner.
Cartoon Kirk nodded, “I’m…ready.”
Shatner and Bob kneeled down in front of Cartoon Kirk, who crossed his arms over his chest and closed his eyes.
They flicked on the lighters.
“This is the most fucked up thing I’ve ever done,” said Bob.
Simultaneously they put the flames to Cartoon Kirk’s feet. Instantly Cartoon Kirk’s entire body was engulfed in bright blue flames. Shatner and Bob stepped back as the film stock body began to bubble, crackle, and sizzle. The air smelled like someone was burning tires and cats.
Cartoon Kirk began to lose form and his body started dripping and flowing down to the floor. In under a minute he was reduced to a pile of steaming, bubbling goo.
Shatner and Bob stood over the mess and then walked to the other side of the room where they sat down.
“You still hungry?” asked Bob.
“No.”
“Neither am I.”
They sat silent. From inside the Green Room all the other sounds of the convention were blocked out. This would be an ideal place to hide. But the smell of burnt Shatner was already getting to Bob and what would they do once the food on the tables ran out or went bad? No, this was no place to live.
“So what should we do?” he asked.
Shatner’s brows furrowed as he thought. He looked to the smoldering remains of the Cartoon Kirk. On top of the black sludge a bubble popped.
“We,” he looked up at Bob, “have to…get out of here.”
CHAPTER TEN
The Shatner sneered as alarmed fans ran around him.
“What? Is someone having a sale on acne cream,” he said as people passed by.
He turned around and screamed, “Get a life!”
He continued walking and stopped when he saw the two men who looked exactly like him.
“Good God, look at you,” he said to them. The two men spun to face him. Their faces read terror.
“What?” said the Shatner, “are you that surprised to see your idol? The person whose identity you’re stealing?”
The Shatner look-alikes looked at each other confused and then back to the Shatner.
“And what the hell happened to you two?” he asked. The two men were wearing identical suits that were torn and dirtied in many places. The one man was covered with bruises and seemed to be bleeding from numerous places.
The two men looked at each other, turned, and continued on their way. The Shatner watched them.
“Losers,” he muttered.
* * *
“So there’s no way out of here?” asked Bob.
“At least…not through the…doors,” replied Shatner as the two of them headed for the stairs.
Shatner had told Bob about the wall of static that was blocking the front entrance. Bob had made it to one of the emergency exits but had found the same barrier. The two had decided to head to the roof and see if the static was surrounding the building.
They entered a room with a large set of stairs in the center that only led up. They walked to the foot of the stairs.
“So what happens if we get to the top and…” Bob went quiet when he looked up the stairs.
Kirk stood at the top brandishing the lightsaber. He was splattered from head to toe in blood. He raised the weapon, roared, and came charging down the stairs.
Shatner and Bob turned and started running back the way they came.
“This has got to stop,” yelled Bob as he ran.
Shatner grabbed Bob. “Wait…I have an idea.” Shatner turned down a different hallway and Bob followed. Shatner stopped and looked around.
“What, what’s your plan?” asked Bob, “hurry up, he’s coming.”
“OK,” Shatner turned to Bob. He spoke as quickly as he could, “Go to the end of the hall and wait for Kirk. I’ll hide over there,” he gestured to the narrow hallway to their side that led to bathrooms. “Once he’s past me, I’ll jump him from behind.”
Bob looked in the direction of Kirk’s oncoming cries.
“Come on,” said Shatner, “we have to…do it now.”
Shatner quickly dodged into the small hallway and Bob looked at him, worried. Shatner waved his hand motioning for Bob to move back further in the large hallway. Bob slowly moved backwards.
Shatner flattened himself against the wall and waited.
“There you are.” Shatner shivered at hearing his own voice.
From his hiding spot, Shatner could see the shadow of Kirk moving down the hall.
Wait. Wait.
The shadow grew larger as Kirk slowly moved. He came into Shatner’s vision and took two more steps and stopped. Kirk was now parallel with Shatner and if he just turned his head a little, Shatner would be seen.
Shatner held his breath and tried to will his heart to stop beating so loudly.
Kirk twirled the lightsaber and started moving forward again.
Yes!
Shatner waited a moment and then moved as carefully and quietly as possible to the end of the narrow hall. He peered around the corner. Bob was against the far wall and Kirk had him cornered, the lightsaber poised and ready. Bob saw Shatner and nodded.
Shatner creeped out. He looked at Kirk, then to Bob, and turned and started tip-toeing the other way.
“Hey,” called out Bob, “hey!”
Shatner turned back and looked at Bob, his eyes pleading for help. Kirk shrugged and inched his way out of the hall.
“You bastard,” yelled Bob. He turned to Kirk, “you don’t want me. I’m not William Shatner. He’s right over there.” He pointed at Shatner.
“You must…think…very little of me,” Kirk raised the lightsaber high over his head, “for…that…trick to work.”
Bob screamed as the lightsaber came down. The blade bisected his body from head to crotch. The two halves fell apart, spilling blood and organs to the floor.
Shatner was at the end of the hall now. As he turned to run, Kirk had turned off the lightsaber and was kneeling down, plunging his
hands into the viscera.
* * *
Kirk dug amongst the body. Shatner was now dead, but it didn’t feel right. The screaming at the back of his brain— the essential urge that he did not belong in this world—was still there.