“Shit!”
“Zoe!” Mia squawked, rushing to my side and somehow manhandling me into the recliner.
“It’s nothing.” I waved them away. I lied. I didn’t think it was nothing. My ankle was throbbing, and I was pretty sure I’d twisted it. Who cares, really? A twisted ankle isn’t the end of the world. Take it easy, put some ice on it, and I’d be fine. “Well, as comfortable as you boys look over there,” I said, staring at Derek and Lachlan…the sight really would make your ovaries explode. “I probably should get going and check on Jenna.”
“She not doing well?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. She’s lost weight, she barely eats, and sleeps all the time.”
“That sounds about right.”
Connor must have been feeling uncomfortable. From the corner of my eye, I watched him shifting his weight back and forth before he cleared his throat. “Sorry. Derek? That wood out the back?”
“Yeah, down the driveway.”
“Come on! I’ll give you a hand,” Mia offered, popping up of the couch and leading him out the door.
Some people would think it was strange, the relationship I had with Mia and Derek. Thankfully none of us gave a fuck what anyone thought. When Mia and Derek hooked up, right from the start Derek made sure Mia knew that he and I were a package deal. Granted, at the time I don’t think she really knew what she was getting into, but these days it was all good. She had, or at least she did, a damn good job pretending like she had absolutely no worries in the world leaving the two of us alone together.
When they’d left and we’d heard the door click shut, I turned my attention back to Derek. “What do you mean, that makes sense? You know something I don’t?”
“Not really. Jenna came to see me the other day. She gave me some paperwork for safekeeping.”
“What is it?”
“Don’t know. Didn’t open it.”
“Why?”
“It’s not time yet.”
My heart sank. I didn’t have to see the papers to know what they were. The other night Jenna and I had an argument, our first real argument about what would happen when the time came. It wasn’t that I wanted to disagree with her wishes, it had more to do with the fact that I didn’t want to think about it. Jenna being gone wasn’t something I was ready to deal with. I doubted I’d ever be.
Derek must have taken my silence as understanding. “You know she doesn’t have long, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t cry, Zoe. You know I hate it when you do.”
I hadn’t even realised I was. My whole chest hurt. It felt like I’d been punched right in the heart. It was a feeling I knew all too well, and one I’d do anything to avoid facing again. There was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like a freight train hurtling straight towards me. What’s worse was, it appeared to be gaining speed.
“Sorry.” I sniffed, wiping my nose on the back of my hand.
“Gross.”
“Sorry. So, what do I do? How do I help her?” I couldn’t just do nothing. I had to do something. Anything. Even if it was for purely selfish reasons. There was no way I could just stand beside her and watch her fade.
Effortlessly, Derek climbed out of his chair and moved towards me. He was so smooth Lachlan didn’t even flinch. If I’d have tried to do that, I’d have a screaming nightmare on my hands. Following his lead, I stood up. My ankle was still sore, but since my heart hurt more, I barely felt it. When Derek wrapped his arm around me and dropped a kiss on my forehead, I burrowed in against his shoulder. Closing my eyes, I just stood there appreciating the silence and his warmth. How he knew this is what I needed right now, I’ll never know. The one thing I was sure of though, Derek Cartwright was the second most important man in my life. And right now, he was cradling number one.
“You guys are adorable!”
At the voice my eyes snapped open and I tried to pull away. Derek wasn’t having it, though.
“Look!” Mia thrust her phone out in front of me and showed me the photo she’d just snapped. We looked like a family. A sad one, but nevertheless, a family.
“I’ve…I’ve got to go.” I felt sick. I needed to get out of there and get my head together. As quick as I could and ignoring the pain running up my leg, I took Lachlan from a reluctant Derek, scooped up my bag I’d dropped at the door, and bolted.
I’d almost made it too.
Almost.
My feet had just touched the footpath when Connor appeared by my side. I couldn’t deal with him right now. Right now, I wanted a hot bubble bath, a glass of wine, and a block of chocolate. One of those family size ones. And to see Jenna. She was all that mattered right now. Not me, not Connor, not even Lachlan. Getting to Jenna was the most important thing.
“You okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“There’s a lot of them around here,” I sighed, not even realising what I’d said until the words had left my mouth. “Shit! I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.” I was frazzled. My nerves were shot to shit and I was a bumbling mess. Nothing unusual for me, not really, but it didn’t mean Connor had to see me like that.
“How’s the ankle?”
Thank god he’d moved on to safer topics, pretending I just hadn’t said something dumb. “Fine. Nothing some rest and ice can’t fix.”
“Oh. Okay. Need a lift home?”
“Thanks, but we can’t.”
“Why? If it’s about us…”
“There is no us, Connor. But no, that’s not why. You don’t have a car seat for Lachlan. I’m fine. It’s only a couple of blocks anyway.”
“If you’re sure…” He looked like someone just kicked his puppy. Connor McIntyre was dangerous. Possibly the most dangerous man I knew. For some reason, in the tiny little part of my heart, the part that wasn’t shattered and battered beyond recognition, it wouldn’t let go of the thought that maybe he could be the one to make me happy. Make me whole. And as much as I wanted to believe it, believe him, believe in us, my head just wouldn’t let me. It wasn’t a risk I could take. Not when I wasn’t the only one who’s heart was on the line if I gave in and took the leap. I had Lachlan to think about.
“Thanks though. Have a good night.” With my head scrambled and my panties damp, I hurried away before I caved and threw myself at him. Something I was desperate to do. Maybe I needed to stop and buy new batteries on the way home. After the way he’d looked at me, I didn’t think manually was going to do the trick tonight.
“I need help.”
“Obviously, but what can I do for you, Connor?” Payton teased.
It’d taken me the entire drive home and the following hour stacking the firewood to gather enough courage to ask Payton to help me. She was the only person I knew who could. The drawback of that being, I knew the moment I asked her, she’d get ahead of herself. Calming her down and keeping her quiet was going to be a challenge, but I had no other options.
“I need to go shopping.”
“Okay.”
“For something specific.”
“Is this a conversation you should be having with your brother?”
I had no idea what she was thinking I was going to buy, but the weird sound in her voice already made me regret calling. After taking a deep breath, I stopped and stared up at the starless sky. It was too overcast for stars tonight, and from the way the trees were dancing on the wind, I wouldn’t be surprised if a storm tore through the place in the next couple of hours. “I need to buy a car seat.”
“A car seat? For what?”
“For my car.”
“For who?”
“Does it matter?” I don’t know why I was being so secretive. In this town nothing stayed a secret for long. The moment Zoe and Lachlan climbed in, everyone would know anyway.
“If you want my help it does.”
“Fine. It’s for Lachlan. Happy now?”
“Ecstatic!”
Damn, she was annoying. It was lucky I loved her, or I may ha
ve just wanted to throttle her. “So, are you going to help me or not?”
“Of course. Can you be at my place tomorrow afternoon at two? We can go from there. You can even push Robin in her pram for practice.” Payton giggled at her own joke, like it was the funniest thing in the world.
“Sure.”
“See you then. This is going to be so much fun.”
Hanging up, I was already wondering what I’d gotten myself into, and possibly even more important, how the hell did I get myself out of it.
***
I felt like a tool.
After spending forever in the bloody baby shop, or warehouse, or whatever the hell it was called, basically my version of hell, I had a car seat. It cost a fortune, but Payton assured me it was what I needed. Somehow, I didn’t really understand how it converted from babies to toddlers. It’d been fitted into the backseat and I was all set to go. Only thing that was missing was a kid to put in it, but I just needed time.
When I got home I was restless and stressed. I didn’t even bother going inside before I jumped on one of the motorbikes and took off through the paddocks. I felt like ever since Zoe’d strolled back into town I’d been slacking around here, and that just didn’t sit right with me. Finding Gage parked out under one of the trees, I headed in his direction. Maybe some guy time would help balance me.
“What are you doing out here?” I asked, climbing off the bike. Looking down, I saw my mud-splattered jeans and boots. Oh well, shit happens. They’d wash. Hopefully.
“Hello to you too,” Gage snarked.
“Hi Gage. Happy now?”
“Yeah, kinda.”
“Good. Now what are you doing out here?”
“Came to check on the old bastard. I’ve got a client looking for a bull.”
“Buy or rent?”
“Rent.”
“Damn.”
“Oh, come on, Connor. You’d be lost without him.”
“I think you mean relieved without him. Happy even.”
“Nah, I think you two just don’t get a long ’cause you’re too much alike.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“You’re both stubborn, cranky asses who need to get laid.”
“And you’re an asshole.”
“Yeah. So?”
Gage stood there looking smug. I knew at least part of what he was saying was right. I needed to get laid. It’d been way too long since I’d had any fun. I was surprised my hand hadn’t dropped off from overuse.
“Fuck you, Gage!”
Bastard just laughed. And laughed hard. I hoped he choked. “Come on, Connor, surely you see the funny side in this.”
“Actually, I don’t. Now, stop being an asshole and tell me more about this deal.”
Sitting on the tailgate of Gage’s ute, we walked through the pros and cons and decided why the hell not. We still had to get Beau and Ryan’s okay, decisions like this were always made by the four of us, but it sounded almost too good to be true.
An hour and a half later and I’d convinced Gage to come and give me a hand on the renovation project I’d been working on over the last couple of weeks.
“You’ve done this in your spare time?”
“Well, yeah. Ryan and Alex have helped too.”
“Why?”
“Why what?” Sometimes I had no idea how we were even related. He must spend half his life incredibly tired from how fast his mind changed direction. Hell, I was dizzy just trying to keep up.
“Why are you doing all this?”
“’Cause I need to.”
“But why? Are you and Zoe together?”
“No.”
Looking around, I found myself seeing for the first time how much work we’d accomplished. After gutting the entire place, the floor had been replaced, walls had been moved, and the wiring had all been updated. I was grateful to have Ryan in on my scheme because somehow, he knew what I had to keep and what could go. The counter had been saved and refreshed with a good sand and a coat of varnish. The biggest transformation though was just a simple cleaning. Once the heavy layer or dust, dirt, and cobwebs were gone, even I could see the appeal. There wasn’t much more to do before the scary part happened. Maybe that’s why I was dragging my feet with the last steps. It was almost time to show Zoe what we’d been up to.
“But you want to be?” Was Gage fucking psychic? Or was I just that transparent?
I wanted to deny it, but if he could already see it, there wasn’t any point. “Yeah. I think I do.”
“And the fact she has a kid? Someone else’s kid?”
“There’s more to that story.”
“And you’re not worried?”
“Nup. Not at all.” Weirdly, it was the truth. Even though I didn’t have all the details about Lachlan’s father and how everything had come about, after finding the IVF paperwork in Zoe’s drawer, I knew things weren’t as they seemed. And although I was okay with that, I wanted to know the rest. The issue was, there was only one way I was going to get the answers that had been circling in my head since I’d first laid eyes on Lachlan. That was to ask Zoe. Right now, I was probably the last person on earth she wanted to have that conversation with.
“Well then, if you’re okay with it all, how do I help?” And that’s what family was for. Gage didn’t have all the details and he didn’t need them. All he needed to know was this is what I wanted, I was fine, and he was on board. No further questions. Somehow, even though they tried like hell to screw us all up permanently, we’d come out the other side as relatively well adjusted people. Family who had each other’s backs. If one day I ever got to be a parent, I knew that’s all I’d hope for my kids.
It'd taken two weeks of planning, and now the time had come I was standing here by myself, second guessing every single decision that had led me to this moment. I had absolutely no idea if Zoe wanted this, wanted me, yet here I was. Staring at the results of investing the little savings I’d collected, too many hours of hard labour, and spilt more than a little blood, waiting. I’d never been a patient man, in fact I think I’d been called exactly the opposite more times than I could count. Checking my phone again, it’d only been two minutes.
Ryan’d confirmed he’d picked Zoe and Lachlan up and they were leaving Jenna’s. It didn’t seem to matter how many times Ryan assured me I’d done the right thing, and even if she didn’t see it straight away, he begged me to give her a chance. He’d pretty much warned me that Zoe was most likely to freak out, cry, scream, swear, then take a breath and see everything for what it was. I could deal with the first part, at least I thought I could as long as it didn’t take her forever to get to the second.
Connor: What if she kills me?
I’d never been one to freak out before. Usually I had a spine of steel, but perhaps stupidly, I’d taken Ryan’s advice and put all my eggs in one basket. Now I was waiting to see if I was left with a pile of eggshells at my feet or a full chicken coop.
Derek: Good thing then the cops are on their way.
Derek: Breathe Connor. You did a good thing.
It was like he knew I needed reassurance. He wasn’t family, but he’d been in on this project every step of the way. His greatest accomplishment was stopping me when I was going too far. Making sure I left pieces of Zoe’s past intact, so they were still there for her, but at the same time balancing it with updating what needed to be.
Derek: Just remember…this is Zoe we’re talking about, so she will probably freak out.
Why was everyone preparing me for her to lose it? Surely, she’d see that this was a good thing. It wasn’t like we were taking something off her. If anything, it was completely the opposite. With Ryan and Alex’s project management, and many hours sweating the details, we’d pulled off something I thought was pretty awesome. Even Payton, Carly, and Mia had helped. And even though everyone wanted to be here today, Derek had stepped in and limited it. Ryan was bringing her out and it would be only Derek and I waiting. I’d tried to get out o
f being here, but Derek wouldn’t hear of it.
“Damn it!” Leaning against the car, I wished I’d brought a drink. My mouth was as dry as the Sahara. Nerves were eating me. I hoped Ryan used that lead foot of his and got them here in a hurry. I didn’t know how much longer I could bear standing out here alone.
Checking my phone again, I realised how stupid I was being. This wasn’t who I was. And even if she didn’t like it, surely, she could say thank you. I mean, Zoe wasn’t mean. Surely the worst I’d get would be indifference or mild annoyance. Both I’d already been on the receiving end of, and worse, from her. Knowing clock watching wasn’t helping keep me sane, I tossed my phone in the car and headed towards the doors. I’d already unlocked them so we could go straight in, and sat down on the steps, with my head between my knees and waited.
At the sound of a car approaching my head snapped up. Secretly I was hoping it was Derek and he could talk me down off this ledge I’d seemed to have climbed out on, but when it turned off the road into the gravel parking lot, my stomach clenched. She was here. And there was nowhere left for me to hide.
While my pulse took off, I silently watched as my little brother helped a blindfolded Zoe from his car. She looked amazing. How that girl could make a pair of jeans and t-shirt look so sexy continued to baffle me.
“Where are we? Can I take this thing off now? What’s happening?”
“You ask a lot of questions, you know that?”
“Well, you don’t answer any of them.”
“Will you shut up and enjoy your surprise?”
“I hate surprises,” Zoe muttered, folding her arms over her chest. She looked like a toddler throwing a tantrum because she didn’t get her way. It was frigging adorable. A gust of wind ruffled her hair and I was forced to stuff my hands in my pockets to stop myself from reaching out and tucking it behind her ear.
“You’re going to like this one. Promise,” Ryan assured her with a kiss on her cheek.
“What about Lachlan?”
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 9