As carefully as I could, I found my feet and came face to face with Derek and Nate. There was a look on Derek’s face I could only ever remember seeing once before. It was filled with fright and disappointment. Just seeing it there told me how much I’d fucked up. Again.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.
“You okay, Zoe?” Nate asked as he stripped off his hoodie and held it out to me. Given I knew I’d stuffed up, I wasn’t about to turn it down. Handing Lachlan to Nate, he froze for a second before cradling him in his arms.
Tugging his jumper on over my head, I breathed in the homey smell that was Nate. Once it was on, I rolled up the sleeves, ignoring the way it hung off me. “Yeah, I just needed a minute.”
“A minute? Zoe you left Payton’s place over three hours ago and no one knew where you went.”
“Well, you found me, didn’t you?” Wow! That come out snarkier than I’d intended.
Derek shook his head and stared at the ground. I couldn’t stand it. I felt like I’d let him down. Again. And I felt like shit because of it. I walked towards Derek and buried my head against his chest. For a moment, which felt like an eternity, he didn’t hug me back. Somehow it hurt even more than everything else that had happened today. Then right when I was about to let go and move away, feeling miserable and rejected, Derek picked me up and squeezed me so tight I could barely breathe. I didn’t care. Yet again it was like Derek knew what I needed more than I did.
“Don’t. You. Ever. Scare. Me. Like. That. Again,” Derek commanded, his voice vibrating against my neck. He lifted me off my feet and my legs wrapped around him.
“Okay.”
Pulling my head back, Derek forced me to look him directly in the eye. “No, Zoe. Not Okay. Promise me. Promise me now, this is the last time you pull this shit and just up and vanish.”
“I promise.”
“You two good now?” Nate asked, breaking the trance we’d fallen into. I nodded, and Derek set me down but tucked me under his arm. “Good! Because someone has filled his nappy and it’s bloody freezing out here. I reckon it’s time to go.”
“You’re holding him.”
“Nice try, Zoe. He’s your son. The present he just left, it’s all yours.”
“Okay, you two, give me my godson. Nate, can you take my car? I’ll drive Zoe’s.”
“Meet you at home.” Derek tossed the keys to Nate and he vanished. A moment later, Derek and I were following.
***
It’d been three days.
The longest three days of my life.
Well, maybe not of my life, but lately anyway.
Thankfully, this time I had Mia and Derek to lean on. Without them, I’d not only be wearing the same dirty jeans and ratty t-shirt I’d had on the other day, but Lachlan would be running seriously low on supplies.
Derek brought me back to his place, where Mia had taken charge. Knowing I wasn’t ready to go back to Jenna’s house, and truthfully, I wasn’t sure I ever would be, they’d gone over and collected what we needed to make it through a couple of days.
That wasn’t the biggest issue, though.
No, my biggest challenge right now was holding myself together while people peppered me with questions. They were asking me to make decisions. Decisions I wasn’t sure I should even be making. But I didn’t know who else I could direct them too. After the third time I’d burst into tears and almost ripped an innocent person’s head off, Derek put his foot down and demanded I do what needed to be done.
I was going home to open that damn envelope.
I didn’t want to.
I wanted to do anything else.
I’d even give birth again. Without drugs. To ten-pound twins.
Wasn’t going to happen, though. The answers everyone wanted, the ones they needed were in there.
Although Mia and Josie offered to come with me, I turned them down. If I was going to do this, then I had to do it my way. Lachlan and I would do it together. We had to. After collecting our things, we headed home.
I walked through the door and the sadness hit me like a slap in the face. Nothing had changed, yet everything was different. My book was still sitting on the lounge. Jenna’s throw rug was neatly folded on her chair. Even from where I was standing I could see three dummies. It was a home. It was lived in.
Taking Lachlan out of his capsule, I cuddled him close. He might have been the baby in the room, but right now I needed him as close as possible. I needed his strength more than I needed my next breath. Knowing how chicken shit scared I was, I knew if I found something else to do, anything else to do, I’d be putting off the inevitable. Hell, even scrubbing the bathroom sounded like great distraction.
I couldn’t, though.
Jenna needed me.
I’d let her down last time. She’d been alone. I wouldn’t make the same mistake again.
Snatching the envelope from where it’d tormented me from on top of the microwave, I went back into the lounge room, snuggled down on Jenna’s favourite chair, and wrapped myself up with her blanket. It smelt like her. Like lilac and sunshine and mum. A pain shot through my chest, and if I were smart, I’d have paid attention to how much it hurt. It was like my whole body was rejecting what was coming.
I didn’t even feel the papercut on my finger. It wasn’t until the bright red spot appeared against the stark white paper did I even realise I was bleeding.
It was thick.
It was scary.
It was as intimidating as fuck.
Pulling the sheets out, I recognised sections. A copy of Jenna’s will. Her last wishes. A receipt for the funeral home. Even a signed cheque to a charity for women and children.
My throat constricted.
I wanted to throw up.
For a boy who couldn’t speak or even feed himself, Lachlan must have known exactly what I needed. He reached out with his tiny hand and wrapped it around my finger. Fuck, I loved this kid.
Sucking in a deep, fortifying breath, I kept digging through the pile.
There was an envelope folded in half. When I unfolded it, I saw my name written on the front. But that wasn’t what captured my attention. It was postmarked from a prison just outside Sydney. I didn’t need any more details to know where it’d come from. How Kane was the only McLaren left in my life gutted me. Stuffing it in my pocket, I decided I’d deal it with it later. Today wasn’t about him. This was about Jenna.
Turning over the final piece, I recognised her handwriting straight away.
For my beautiful Zoe,
If you’re finally reading this, it means I’m gone. And for that I’m so sorry. I wasn’t ready to leave you. I wasn’t ready to leave Lachlan, but I guess there’s a bigger plan for me.
Now, I know you didn’t want to talk about what would happen next, and I understand why. You’ve already lost so much in your life, I wish I didn’t burden you again by leaving you. But Zoe, know this, you are a beautiful, brave young woman. You’re someone I was proud to know, and my life was infinitely better with you in it.
I don’t want a funeral. I hate funerals. They’re always full of pretentious people who show up because they think they should. People who want to do the right thing. I don’t want you to waste your time on them. It should be about the people who matter most. And you know in your heart who that is.
Everything is done and paid for. I tried to make this as easy as I could for you.
“Nothing about this is easy,” I hiccupped.
Once I’m cremated, scatter my ashes. Don’t put them in some ugly ass urn on the mantel, that’s just morbid. And I don’t want to be stuffed in the back of the cupboard either. Find somewhere special and let me go.
As for you, you are the most courageous girl I’ve ever known. You brought Lachlan into this world all on your own. He’s the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. You’ve done an amazing thing, Zoe, and I have no doubt you’re going to be one hell of a mother. I wish I could be there to see the Mum you grow in t
o, but I know it will be one filled with patience and love and kindness (and trust me, raising a boy, you’re going to need all of that and more).
You may not be my daughter on paper, but in my eyes, you were the best daughter a Mum could hope for. I don’t care if that diamond ring is on your finger on hanging around your neck. From the moment Spencer brought you home, I’ve loved you, and that’s only grown through the years. Now you’ve given me a gorgeous grandson I was so happy I had the chance to meet.
There’s one thing I wish for you, Zoe, and that’s happiness.
Zoe Sinclair, my beautiful, sweet girl. You deserve only the happiest of ever afters there is. After everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve endured, you’ve not only survived, you’ve thrived.
Go! Be fearless. Be brave. Chase your dreams with the ferocity I know you have inside you (remember, I’ve seen it). Fall in love again. I know that’s scary, but Spencer would want that for you. I want that for you. You deserve to have someone look at you like you not only hung the moon, but the stars as well.
I promise, from wherever I am, Spencer and I will always be right beside you smiling.
I will love you forever,
Jenna.
Until this moment I hadn’t known a broken heart could kill you. Now I was certain.
“If someone’s grieving, how long do you give them?” I asked between bites of toast.
“Give them for what?”
“You know. How long do they need to…” Shit, I was bad at this. If talking to Holly was this panic-inducing, what hope did I have trying for even a half normal conversation with Zoe. Big fat zero.
“To what? Get over it? Move on? Stop feeling sad? Come on, Connor, even you have to realise how dumb that sounds.”
I hated that she was right. I was being stupid. There was no timeline. Everyone was different. I knew that. I’d been where Zoe was right now. Some days life went on, business as usual. Then in moments, and that’s all it took, it felt like your whole world shattered all over again. You couldn’t predict it. You couldn’t hide from it. And you sure as shit couldn’t prepare for it. Days later, months later, grief had this uncanny ability to still steal your breath, drop you to your knees, and rack your body with ugly tears. Whoever said time heals all wounds, lied.
Rubbing the back of my neck, I gulped down the last of my coffee. Even thinking about Dad hurt. Sure, he’d been a mean son of a bitch, and he’d said things that made me hate him, but he was still my dad. The only one I’d ever know. Not having him here, not even to be able to fight with him left a hole in my heart and my life. “Yeah, you’re right,” I mumbled, finding my feet and tugging on my faded baseball cap.
As I stacked my dirty cutlery in the dishwasher, Holly took the plate from my hand. “Why don’t you go see how she’s doing?”
“Who’s doing?”
“Zoe.”
“Why?” Holly continued to confuse the crap out of me. I don’t know if it was because she was female, or if she could see directly into my head. Either way, it scared me.
“Connor McIntyre! Don’t play dumb. As much as it suits you, I have shit to do today…”
“Probably Jack.”
Whack! I hadn’t meant for her to hear my mumblings, but nevertheless she’d caught it and as a result, I’d copped a slap to the side of the head. Not that I didn’t deserve it, but still.
“Go see how Zoe’s doing. Don’t ask her for anything. Try being her friend before you try coaxing her into your bed.”
What the hell?
Trying to remember that it was Holly I was talking to, not Beau, I refrained from punching her. Who said anything about getting Zoe into my bed? It wasn’t like that.
“Don’t pretend, Connor. You think I haven’t noticed the distinct lack of female company around here lately? No wonder you’re so damn bitchy. You need to get laid.”
Feeling decidedly pissed, I stupidly asked, “Just ’cause I’m not bringing them to the house…”
“What? ’Cause they don’t come to the house doesn’t mean they don’t exist? Nice try, dumbass. That would mean you’d actually have to go out…”
“Morning!” a way too happy voice called out seconds before the front door banged closed. That was my cue to escape.
Without saying goodbye, I pushed past Holly and headed out.
“Am I interrupting?” Jack asked as I stomped by.
“Can you go…go deal with your girlfriend? I just can’t…”
It wasn’t until I was outside staring at the storm clouds on the horizon did I breathe. Holly had me fucking tied up in knots. Bitch knew everything. And she was right. And that annoyed me more than anything else. Silently I fumed while I made my way to the shed. I had a long day ahead of me, and standing around being an emotional idiot wasn’t going to get shit done.
We’d planned to be done by eleven.
We’d hoped to be done by one.
It was pushing two o’clock before we’d managed to round up the herd of sheep and get them in the pens. The truck would be here early tomorrow to take them to the sales. They’d get a good price. They better. We needed it.
“You coming for lunch?” Beau asked, wiping the sweat from his face. He looked exhausted. He wasn’t the only one. Holly’s annoying words had felt like a tonne of bricks weighing on my shoulders all day. If I was being brutally honest, most of the bullshit we’d had to fix this morning was my fault. I wasn’t paying attention, or I wasn’t moving quick enough. Worse still was when Beau told me to go left, and because my head was up my ass, I turned right instead, letting most of them back into the wrong paddock. Thankfully Beau and Jack didn’t call me out on it. I couldn’t handle their commentary today. Not on top of everything else.
Still feeling on edge, I told them I’d find something later and slipped into my ute. Holly was right. I wanted to know if Zoe was okay. And if she needed a friend, then that’s what I’d be. I could do that. I didn’t want to, but if that’s all she was offering, then I’d take it. Baby steps.
Swinging past Jenna’s place her car was gone, and everything looked quiet. “This is why you don’t chase girls,” I berated myself. I knew better. Zoe was giving me the run around and she didn’t even know it. After detouring past the bakery, ’cause those girls congregated there with any excuse—I think it had something to do with the mass quantities of sugar and chocolate Payton stocked—I figured I’d try one more place. If she wasn’t at Derek’s, I was going home. No need to be driving around looking like a fool.
Spotting Zoe’s car parked in the driveway, I pulled up. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. Why I was so nervous I had no idea, but it was seriously pissing me off. I don’t know what it was about Zoe that had me acting like a teenager again.
The closer I got to the front door, the louder and more desperate the screaming got. It sounded like someone was trying to pull Lachlan’s toenails off. Reluctantly, I knocked. I’d come this far, I wasn’t about to chicken out.
“Derek?” I asked as the door was pushed open.
I could barely believe what I was seeing. Firstly, he was shirtless. He looked stressed, and his hair was dishevelled. With one hand he was trying to wrangle Lachlan, and in the other he was clutching at a bottle and a dummy.
“Come in,” he offered, heading back through the house.
If I thought Derek looked like a disaster, then the house was worse. Lachlan’s nappy bag had been upended and the contents were spread from one end of the living room to the other. The coffee table was covered in used wet wipes and dirty clothes. Derek’s missing shirt was on the lounge.
“Where’s Zoe? And Mia?” I asked the obvious question.
“Mia’s away for a couple of days with Josie. And Zoe had something she needed to do. Can you hold him for two seconds, so I can put a shirt on? Every time I set him down he screams.”
“You mean worse than this?” Derek handed him to me without waiting for an answer. As quick as he could he leapt over the pile of toys and d
isappeared.
Pacing back and forth, I started talking to Lachlan about everything we could see outside. The clouds. The birds. The trees. Hell, we even had a chat about the mailman who happened to pass by in his sexy orange vest.
“You’re good with him.”
Geez! Derek scared the absolute crap out of me. I’d been so caught up in what was happening on the other side of the window I hadn’t heard him come back. When I spun around, not only was he now sporting a clean t-shirt, but he’d washed his face, tamed his hair, and was grinning like an idiot.
“Here you go,” I offered, trying to hand Lachlan back. He’d stopped screaming and was now just babbling.
“Can you hold him a bit longer? Let me clean some of this crap up. Who knew kids could be such a pain in the ass?”
“How’d you get sucked into this?” It was obvious that babysitting was not Derek’s favourite thing in the world to do.
He shrugged casually. “Zoe asked.”
As soon as he said it, I knew what he meant. I’d seen it before. There was nothing Zoe couldn’t ask Derek for, and babysitting had just been added to the list.
“How long you hanging out with this little dude for?”
“Until she gets back. I’ve got no idea, really.”
“Where’d you say she went again?” I tried to sound casual as I pumped Derek for information. The last thing I needed was him on my case too.
“She’s gone to spread Jenna’s ashes.”
What the—? “Alone?”
“Trust me, I offered to go with her. But you know Zoe.”
Yeah, I did know her. That’s why I was so damn worried. I couldn’t believe Derek wasn’t freaking out more. “She’s stubborn.”
“You’ve got no idea. So, are we going to pretend you came to see me or are you going to go check on our girl?”
He didn’t even look at me.
Not once.
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 11