I was lucky in a way, I guess. Jenna had done everything she could to make this easier for me. Her will was straight forward and simple. Everything was basically left to me. Except for a donation and a bank account set up for Kane, the rest was mine. The house. The car. Her money. I didn’t want any of it. I’d give it all back for another hour with her. Another minute just to tell her how much I loved her.
Today had been hard.
Harder than some of the others.
Today I’d tackled the job of sorting out Jenna’s wardrobe. Slowly, I’d been getting through it. I never thought I’d be the sort of person to cry over a toothbrush, but as I watched her purple toothbrush drop into the bin next to her lipstick and hairbrush, I fell apart. It was like losing her all over again. Jenna had been too young. She’d been too amazing. I hated that she was gone.
Tomorrow I’d take the bags of clothes down to the charity bin. Everything was cleaned out. The once-filled wardrobe was now empty and lifeless. The chest of drawers was bare. Just stepping foot into that room had taken me a week just to work up the courage. Back in the day, it’d been Spencer’s bedroom, and she had to pry me out of there and send me home. When I’d moved back, Jenna had taken it. It’s where she spent her final days and took her last breath. How one room could hold so many memories, I wasn’t sure.
Now I was rat-shit exhausted.
After changing and feeding Lachlan, he crashed out in his bouncer, buying me a quiet moment. As quick as I could, I set up the baby monitor and headed for a very much overdue bubble bath.
Sinking into the vanilla-scented bubbles, my overtired and aching muscles thanked me. Looking down at my legs, I was shocked at how out of control I’d let them get. With a handful of shaving cream, I coated my hairy legs and started the mammoth job of shaving them. I would’ve been better off with a weed whacker than the single bladed razor, but it was all I had. Once the forest had been cleared, and while Lachlan was napping, I took advantage. Slathering a face mask on, I spat out the bits that ended up in my mouth before settling back and letting my eyes fall closed.
A piercing scream woke me.
I was still lying in the now cold water. Somewhere along the way I’d drifted off. Clumsily, I climbed out of the bath, almost slipping in the puddle I’d made on the floor. Tugging on my pyjamas, I didn’t even bother to dry myself. With my hair dripping, I headed out to where Lachlan was now awake and making one hell of a racket.
Lifting him from the bouncer, I hugged him close. “What’s with all the noise, little man? Mum was enjoying her bath.” Maybe a little too much.
A bang came from behind me and I spun around, only to see a shadow on the other side of the metal screen door.
“Zoe? I know you’re in there, I can hear Lachlan. Want to open the door?”
Pushing the dripping piece of hair out of my eyes, I blinked rapidly. Something was stinging my eyes. Juggling Lachlan on my hip, the relaxed feeling I’d been indulging in evaporated.
Ignoring the fact I wasn’t wearing underwear, I yanked open the front door to find Connor standing there, his hands clasping a bunch of beautiful white flowers that smelt like heaven.
“What are you doing here, Connor?” I spat out rudely. I was caught off guard and had slipped seamlessly into bitch mode.
He was standing on my doorstep wearing dark blue jeans, a button-down shirt, and a smirk that dampened panties. Well, it would have if I’d been wearing any. There was something in the way he was looking at me though that boiled my blood.
“Taking you out.”
“What? I’m not going anywhere.” Connor had rocks in his head if he thought I was leaving the house tonight.
Without waiting for an invitation, Connor pushed his way past me and plonked his sexy ass down on the couch. “Yes, you are. We’re going out for dinner. You need a night out, and I’m going to be the one to take you.”
Letting the door slam, I looked down at Lachlan, who was grinning like the whole world was made just to amuse him. “Connor! You can’t just walk in here and tell me I’m going out.” Damn, this man was frustrating. “I have Lachlan. I have plans.”
“Like what? Sitting around in your unicorn pyjamas eating ice cream straight from the tub?”
I hadn’t thought about ice cream, but now he’d mentioned it, it sounded like a delicious end to my evening, but there was no way I was about to give Connor the satisfaction of being right. “So, what if I am?”
“Do you always have to be so damn difficult?”
He ran a hand through his damp hair and everything below my waist throbbed. Damn traitorous hormones. It’d been too long. And I was getting sick of buying batteries.
Sighing, I flopped into the recliner on the opposite side of the lounge room. I was afraid if I sat any closer to Connor, not only would I self-combust, but I’d get another whiff of his cologne and start licking him from head to toe. He was still staring at me with a look I couldn’t quite read.
“What? Why are you staring at me like that?”
“Um…”
“Seriously! Do I have something on my face?”
“Or something.”
Reaching up, I rubbed the itch on my nose. When my fingers came way covered in green goop, I squeaked.
“Guess you found it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I couldn’t be more humiliated if I tried. Connor had shown up unexpectedly on my doorstep looking like a delicious dessert while I looked like something from his worst nightmare. Pyjamas, face mask, and I didn’t even want to know what my hair was doing right now.
“Seemed more fun my way.”
“Hold Lachlan.” After setting Lachlan down in his arms, I took off towards the bathroom.
I shouldn’t have looked in the mirror. As soon as I did, I considered drowning myself in the bathtub. I can’t believe someone, anyone, had seen me like that, let alone Connor. Scrubbing off the now dry, flaky face mask, I patted my face dry with a towel before turning my attention to my hair. Poking my head out the door, I could hear Connor chatting with Lachlan. He was rambling about sheep and cows and who the hell knows what else. But Lachlan was quiet. Except for the random gargle and raspberry, he seemed like he was fine.
Since Connor had Lachlan occupied and he’d interrupted my evening, I was going to take my time cleaning myself up. After blow drying my hair straight—something I hadn’t had the luxury of doing since Lachlan had been born—I ducked across the hall and got dressed. Even though I had no intention of leaving the house, the idea of walking around without underwear on wasn’t a good one.
Emerging back in the lounge room, I found Lachlan back in his bouncer, and Connor, with his shoes kicked off, lying on the floor dancing the toy monkey up and down Lachlan’s bare legs. It looked so natural. A wave of sadness hit me, and I needed to lean against the wall just to stay upright. This is what I couldn’t give Lachlan. I’d give up everything I had to make sure he didn’t want for anything, but I’d never be his dad. That male role model. I know I was lucky to have Derek in Lachlan’s life and I knew he’d do what he could, but he couldn’t be his dad. For the first time I realised how selfish I’d been to take this on.
“You ready?” Connor asked, catching me off guard.
“I told you, I’m not going. Even if I wanted to, I can’t.”
“Wanna tell me why not?”
“I have Lachlan. It’s time to get him fed and ready for bed.” It sounded like a cop out, but I wasn’t above using my son to avoid being alone with Connor.
“What if I told you I’ve already taken care of that?”
I folded my arms over my chest, daring Connor to take me on. When his mischievous gaze sunk from my face and settled on my boobs, I dropped my arms. He thought he was so smart. “Derek and Mia are away.”
“Who said it was them?”
“I don’t care what you think, I’m not leaving Lachlan with some random,” I huffed before picking Lachlan up and sitting down.
Feeling
the need to teach Connor a lesson, I did the one thing I never thought would. I yanked down my top, unclipped my bra, and settled Lachlan on my boob. Forcing myself to stop from grinning, I heard Connor’s breath hitch.
“Knock knock! Random reporting for babysitting!” An overly cheery, girly voice sung out through the door.
“I’ll get it.”
Lachlan looked happy where he was, and I took the opportunity to adjust my top so there wasn’t too much skin showing.
Connor opened the door and tugged Holly through, wrapping his arm around her shoulder.
“Hey Zoe.”
“Hi Holly. How are you?”
“Looking forward to spending some quality time with your beautiful boy.” Holly looked super excited. Dressed in simple sweats, with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, she looked as casual and comfy as I wanted to be. “What?”
“Huh?”
These McIntyres spun my head. They had half conversations that only they understood.
“Connor! Haven’t you convinced her yet?”
“I’m working on it!”
“Zoe. My idiot brother would like to take you out for dinner. I’m here to hang out with Lachlan so you have no excuses. So, will you please, please do me a favour and go out with him? It’s taken him days to get the balls to follow through with his plan.”
“Really?”
“Would you shut up, Holly?” Connor’s cheeks flushed red and relief flooded me. Thank god! He was just as susceptible to humiliation as I was.
Connor had caught me off guard when he’d shown up, it was only fair that I got vengeance. “Really, Holly. Tell me, what else?”
Lachlan finished feeding and I tucked my boob back in my top and went to burp him. “Can I?” Holly offered, holding her arms out hopefully.
Reluctantly I handed him over and gave her a cloth. I’d feel terrible if Lachlan threw up all over her. It wouldn’t be the first time, but Holly didn’t deserve that. Her brother though…there was an interesting idea.
“Right, go get some shoes on,” Connor bossed, finding his feet. I watched as he buried his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels.
Feeling completely outnumbered and not keen for the fight, I asked, “Where are we going?”
Ten minutes later, Holly had shown me the string of text messages from Payton promising both she and Beau were on call if she needed them before shooing us out the door.
Walking alongside Connor I felt tiny, even in my favourite orange heels. I needed something to boost my confidence. After being busted looking less than impressive, I needed the pick me up.
When Connor opened the passenger door and offered me his hand, I saw this for what it was. I was going on a date with Connor McIntyre. I shouldn’t be going on a date with anyone, let alone Connor. I was a mother. Mothers didn’t date.
Right before he shut the door, Connor leant in and whispered, “Stop worrying. You can do this.” I hated that he could see my nerves. Not only could he see them, he knew exactly how to soothe me.
We didn’t say a word as we drove through town and headed out the road. I didn’t have to ask where we were going. I knew. I’d been down this road a million times. It’s the one place I hadn’t been though, since Jenna passed. Even though I was craving their chicken parmigiana like a mad woman, I couldn’t do it. Now it seemed I didn’t have a choice.
Connor parked and jumped out quickly. Feeling like I was dragging my feet, I untangled the strap on my handbag, unlatched my seatbelt, but when I went to open the door, it was already open. Connor was standing there like a gentleman, his hand outstretched. Not wanting to be rude, I took his hand, ignoring the shivers that ran down my spine. Shutting the door behind me, he didn’t let go. If anything, his grip tightened as he led me towards the door.
After ordering and a brief argument over who was paying, we were seated against the window. On the other side of the glass the sun was dipping, turning the whole sky a kaleidoscope of orange and pinks. It was truly stunning.
“You know, part of going out together means we have an actual conversation,” Connor informed me as he took a sip from his beer.
“What do you want to talk about?” Even I cringed when I heard my reply. I was so bad at this. If this was supposed to be a date, it’s no wonder I was single.
Thankfully Connor ignored my rudeness and started peppering me with questions. How was I liking being back in town? How was Lachlan settling in? Was everything on track with Jenna’s estate? They could’ve been and should’ve been the heavy questions. They weren’t. He still had that bombshell up his sleeve.
“Do you think you’re going to stay in town?”
That right there was the million-dollar question. I’d given it more thought than I wanted to admit and still didn’t have an answer. Moving would be the easy answer. Start somewhere new where memories didn’t haunt me. Where no one knew my story and every time they looked at me their eyes wouldn’t be filled with pity. Then again, staying had its benefits too. Derek, for one. These days he was pretty much the only family I had left. Leaving him didn’t sound like a good idea. Then there was Lachlan. I knew what growing up in a small town was like. Yeah, you could get into mischief. I did more than my fair share, but it was almost always harmless fun. Growing up here would mean he’d have friends and freedom I couldn’t imagine allowing him if we moved somewhere else.
“I don’t know yet,” I blurted out the truth.
“Why’s that?”
“Too many options. Too many memories.”
“If you stayed, what do you think you’d do?”
There was the other part of the equation I couldn’t figure out. I had to do something. I couldn’t sit at home all day and stare at the walls. I needed to keep busy or I’d go crazy. But I wanted something that allowed me to be home when Lachlan was. I didn’t want to work in a bar at nights while he was at school, I’d never see him. And since I was the only parent he had…
Taking a swig of my lemonade, I wished there was a splash of something stronger in there. “I wish I knew. The only thing I’m sure of right now is I can’t live forever in Jenna’s house. It doesn’t feel right.”
“Oh.”
“Don’t get me wrong, it’s fine, and I’m not about to be homeless, but once I get some stuff in order, I’m putting it on the market and moving.”
“At least that’s one thing you’ve got figured out.” I thought I caught a hint of sadness in Connor’s words, but dismissed it quickly.
Our food arrived, and I quickly forgot the heaviness of our conversation and my manners and started shovelling chicken in my mouth as fast as I could. I blamed my lack of etiquette on being a single mother. It was just another thing I’d learnt having Lachlan. I ate when I could, and I ate quickly, because you never knew when you were going to be summoned.
With a dozen chips to go, I was done. Leaning back in my chair, all I could think about was popping the button on my jeans and giving my stomach some room. If we weren’t in public, it’s exactly what I would have done.
“That was good.”
“Yeah, it really was. Thanks for bringing me here.”
“Any time, Zoe. Think you’re up for a game of pool?”
Was I ever! I fucking loved playing pool. I was a shark. It didn’t mean I had to tell Connor that, though. “Sure. Just let me check on Lachlan real quick.” Although I was having a good time, Lachlan was never far from my mind.
“No need. Here,” Connor handed me his phone and I looked at the string of messages. They came in twenty-minute intervals. Updates on how Holly was doing and what was going on.
“What’s this?”
“I knew you’d be worried, so Holly’s been texting me. It’s nothing, really. Open it up. There’s a photo too.”
Wow! I did not see that coming. Who knew Connor could be that thoughtful? I didn’t open the photos. I wanted to. My phone was filled with a thousand pictures, but I wanted to trust Connor. So far, he’d given me no reason not to, and
I was trying here. It wasn’t easy, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Handing back his phone, I said, “So, ready to lose?”
“You’re kidding yourself, sweetheart.”
“We’ll see.” I got up and headed towards the pool tables in the corner, putting more than a little sway into my walk. When I heard the groan behind me I knew I was doing something right. I may not be able to talk the talk, but I could definitely walk the walk.
“You break,” Connor offered after setting the balls in place.
After the most pathetic break I’d ever done, purposefully, I stepped back and watched Connor stretch out over the pool table. He was killing me. His jeans cupped his ass perfectly, and even though I’d seen it all before, I wasn’t opposed to taking another look.
“Are you still stripping?”
Where they hell did that come from? Even though the thought was in my head, I hadn’t intended to blurt it out. Connor straightened and stepped back, almost tripping over his own feet. His face turned beet red as he stared at me like I had two heads.
“Where the hell did that come from?” he growled so close to me I could feel the warmth of his breath as it tickled my ear.
Covering my face with my hands, I tried to move away, but I’d been so close to the wall that I was now trapped. Crushed between the wall and Connor’s body. “I’m sorry,” I apologised through my hands.
“Nuh uh.” Connor pried my hands away from my face, leaving me completely exposed. “Explain.”
“It was nothing. Just a question. Don’t read into it.” I was bullshitting as fast as I could.
“Don’t lie. You were thinking about it, weren’t you?”
I had nowhere to go. Nowhere I could hide. Nowhere I could run. “Yeah, I was. Your ass was up in the air and I was wondering if you had your gold G-string on underneath. Happy now?”
“So, you were checking out my ass, were you?” Connor set his pool cue down on the table, the game all but forgotten as he moved in even closer. I could smell his cologne and my nipples pebbled.
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 13