“I wish.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Go and talk to her.”
“Just talk to her?”
“You’re really asking me that? Wow!” I knew I didn’t look exactly sane right now, but to have Derek questioning my intentions made me feel even worse. Scouring my brain, I was trying to remember what time the pub opened. Maybe a drink or two would numb the pain. “I’m not going to hurt her, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Of course not.”
“You know she probably didn’t mean it like that.”
“Like what? That I was some kind of whore? She left money, cash on my bedside table, Derek. Not the change in her wallet, either. A wad of cash.”
“Yeah, that’s not good.”
“No, it’s not. What do I say to her?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. Sometimes that girl makes things extremely difficult for herself. Can you do me a favour though?”
“What’s that?” Stifling the yawn, I leaned back against the car.
“Hear her out. I’m willing to bet that deep down she was trying to do the right thing.”
“Well, she went the wrong way about it.”
“Not saying she didn’t. But we both know what Zoe’s like. She’s clumsy not cruel. Give her a chance to explain.”
“Yeah, okay.” Maybe being pulled over was the best thing that happened to me this morning. Chatting with Derek had calmed me down. At least it had a bit. He spoke sense, the opposite of what I was expecting to get from Zoe.
“Get out of here. Go and sort this mess out.”
“You’re not giving me a ticket?”
“Not today. But I know you’re going to slow down and take it easy, aren’t you?”
Feeling like a scolded child, I shook his hand, climbed back in the car, and drove away. Slowly.
Pulling up outside Zoe’s house, I sat there staring at the door like a freak. When I’d left home I thought I knew what I wanted to say. I wanted to rip her a new one. Sitting here though, it just didn’t feel right any more. Between the drive and the chat with Derek, the anger had faded, and now I was sitting here trying to figure out what she’d meant. Derek was right. Zoe would never deliberately be a bitch.
Another twenty minutes passed, and I still hadn’t made a move to go inside. Giving up, I turned around and drove home. I had shit to do. Maybe some hard work would help me figure it out.
It didn’t.
I dragged ass all day.
When Beau finally showed up, two hours late and with baby Robin in tow, I’d almost ripped his head clean off his shoulders. The only thing that saved him was the beautiful little girl he had in his arms and wielded like a shield.
By the time I fell through the door, the sun had long disappeared, I’d taken most of the skin off my knuckles on one hand, and I had a throbbing headache. An early night was all I could see in my future. Not something I was opposed to at all.
For the next eight days nothing changed. I was up before the sun and collapsing into bed long after it had faded.
Just because I was running myself into the ground didn’t mean Zoe wasn’t on my mind every second of every damn day. I wished she wasn’t, god, how I wished she wasn’t, but it was undeniable. The first thought I had every morning was of Zoe, and she was the last image in my head as I drifted off.
I still hadn’t figured out what to say, so instead I said nothing.
***
“Have you pulled your head out of your ass yet?” Holly asked as she handed me a plate full of scrambled eggs.
Snagging a couple pieces of toast, I spread the butter on them and took a bite. “What are you talking about?”
“Duh! Zoe! You’ve been walking around like a bear with a sore head for a week and I’m sick of it. You’re cranky. You yell for no reason. And you keep leaving your dirty undies on the bathroom floor.”
She wasn’t wrong. Everything she said was one hundred percent true. Didn’t mean I had to like it though. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Fix it.”
“I can’t!” And that right there was the problem. If I could fix it, I would’ve by now.
“We’ll figure it out. And fast. I’m sick of you being a miserable asshole all the time. Have you noticed that everyone has stopped coming over? I haven’t seen Robin in a week.” Holly set the fry pan in the drainer on the sink and tossed the towel into the hamper.
“So that’s what this is about then? You miss your niece. Go and see her then. Easy.”
“Don’t worry. I’m going to.”
“Good! Go!”
“What are you doing?” Holly swung her backpack over her shoulder the same time a knock echoed. Without even looking who it was, she called out, “Come in, Jack. I’m just about ready.”
“Working. Same as I do every day.”
“Boring.”
“Someone’s got to do it.”
She came over to where I was sitting and wrapped her arms around my neck from behind. “It doesn’t have to always be you.”
“Morning.” Jack strode in looking way too clean cut for someone who worked with his hands day in, day out.
“Hey Jack. You still hanging out with this Princess?”
“Yeah. She’s all right. I might keep her.”
“Well, she’s all yours.”
“I’m standing right here!” Holly stamped her foot like a toddler and Jack and I just laughed at her.
“What are you guys up to today? You’re all dressed up.”
Jack went to answer but Holly silenced him with a look. To say he was under her thumb was an understatement. He treated her like she walked on air and turned water into wine. He was exactly what I wanted for Holly. Exactly what she deserved.
“Just meeting up with some friends.”
Stuffing a forkful of eggs in my mouth, I wished them well and watched them head out. Beau had already messaged and said he wasn’t coming out today, and I hadn’t heard from Gage.
The house was silent as I sat there and finished my breakfast. Holly was a damn good cook. It was just a shame she wasn’t home more often so I could enjoy it. Although the last thing I needed was to be eating like an elephant.
After cleaning my plate, I set it in the sink and went to find my boots. I’d already been up for a couple of hours and been out in the yards. When I’d pinched a nerve in my shoulder I’d come back in and taken a hot shower, willing the pain away. Searching through the cupboard, I found a couple of painkillers and swallowed them down. Even though I had a million things to do, I wasn’t interested in doing any. I’d worked my ass off all week and could do with a break. Shame I wasn’t going to get one anytime soon.
Grabbing my sunglasses, I headed out the door, only to freeze as it banged shut behind me.
“Hi.”
My eggs were threatening to resurface.
Zoe was standing there looking like everything I ever wanted.
Even though she was wearing a simple pair of jeans that looked like they’d been painted on and a white button-down shirt, she looked effortlessly beautiful. Hitched on her hip, she held Lachlan, who was babbling away. Her hair was pulled back in a high ponytail, but that didn’t stop Lachlan tugging at the ends.
“What are you doing here?” I sounded like a rude ass. It wasn’t just how I sounded. I looked like an ass. Standing on the top step, with my arms folded and my eyes hidden behind dark glasses, I knew I wasn’t making her feel welcome. Seeing the way my question struck her, I back-tracked. “I mean, hi.”
“Are you busy?” Zoe switched sides with Lachlan.
“I’m always busy.”
I heard the words come out of my mouth and wanted to slap myself. Zoe showing up like this tipped me off balance and I was acting like a dickhead. If she didn’t get back in the car and take off like a bat out of hell, I’d be surprised. It was what I deserved.
Zoe looked around. I don’t know if she was weighing her words, or looking for an escape route. Neither would have s
urprised me. I had to give her credit though. She’d made the first move. I hadn’t seen nor heard from her since she’d left me a fist full of cash beside my bed and vanished into the early morning. More than a dozen times I’d picked up my phone to text her, but not once had I hit send.
Feeling like a prick wasn’t making this any better. Even though she’d hurt me, I wasn’t ready to give up on her just yet. I just had to get over it and see what happened next. Maybe I was a sucker for punishment, but I couldn’t give up. “But I’m sure I can find time for you.” Even from where I was standing I saw relief flood her.
“Will you come for a drive with us?”
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
The politeness was bugging me, but I wasn’t about to call her out just yet. For now, I’d play along. If things didn’t get back to normal soon, then I’d pull her up. Maybe we just needed time.
“Can you give me five to get my stuff?”
“No worries.” Zoe headed back to the car and I raced inside. As quick as I could I changed into some clean clothes. I had no idea where she was planning on taking me, but I wasn’t going anywhere in shit-stained clothes.
By the time I got back outside Zoe was already buckled in and the car started. When I slipped into the passenger seat, the first thing I noticed was how amazing Zoe smelt. Her perfume wasn’t overpowering. It was perfect.
Turning the car around, we headed away from the house. “Where are you taking me?”
Looking over at me, her face filled with mischief. It was a glimpse at the Zoe I’d come to love. “Does it matter?”
Whoever said anxiety couldn’t make you physically ill had never been where I was right now. I didn’t know if I wanted to throw up, pass out, or more than likely…both. I could feel the sweat pooling under my arms and I regretted wearing white. For two days I’d debated what to wear. I’d gone back and forth. Hell, I’d been so nervous that last night I’d summoned Mia and Josie to get another opinion. After two bottles of wine and a tub of salted caramel ice cream, we’d agreed on this.
Now I was second guessing everything.
The problem was, it was too late to back out now. People were waiting for us.
As I drove down the road we were scarily silent. With some crappy kid music playing through the stereo that made me want to poke out my eyes, we both stared straight ahead. Stealing glances at Connor, he looked almost relaxed. Well, more so than me, anyway. I was shitting bricks. Forcing myself to concentrate on my breathing and not ripping the steering wheel off, I joined the traffic on the highway.
I hoped he didn’t hate me, but I wasn’t betting on it.
The last week had been torture. Over and over and over again, I’d been reminded how pissed Connor was at me. I’d had visits from almost his whole family begging me to make up with him. Put him, and them, out of the misery that hung over him like a heavy black cloud.
One thing no one seemed to understand was that Connor and I weren’t together. Sure, we’d hooked up more times than was sensible. We’d shared a few laughs, but that was it. Even though I tried to convince them, they all adamantly disagreed. None as strongly as Derek.
In fact, Derek and I had a major blow up over everything last week. We’d even gone without talking for a few days, which only resulted in Mia threatening to kick both our asses unless we sorted our shit out. After an hour of intense conversation, I realised Derek was right. Admitting it took another two. After a huge bear hug and more than a few tears, we were fine. Then, in true Derek style, he helped me make the final decisions I didn’t think I was ready for.
Now I was just praying it all didn’t blow up in my face. If it did, I would’ve been fine if there were no witnesses, but everyone I knew, everyone I loved, was waiting for us. This could go badly very quickly. Gulping, I flicked on the indicator and turned into the crowded car park.
“Wh-what’s going on?” Connor asked, spotting all the cars already parked.
Making a mental note to organise the car park, I pulled to a halt on the end. Stopping, I grabbed my phone and checked the text that I’d heard beep a minute ago.
Ryan: Everyone is here. Everything’s ready.
It was now or never.
Shit!
Remaining silent, I climbed out and grabbed Lachlan out. Although Ryan had offered to bring him, I couldn’t part with him. Not today. Not this time. I needed him here. If this crashed and burnt, and I was left standing alone, at least I could still look down into his chubby cheeks and know that somehow it would be okay. I needed the strength he gave me more now than ever.
Walking around the front of the car, Lachlan in my arms and his bag swung over my shoulder, I met Connor. After wiping my clammy hand on my leg, I reached out and took his hand. There was a reason boys were supposed to make the first move. This shit wasn’t easy.
“Zoe?”
“Connor.”
“What’s going on? What are we doing here?”
“I want to show you. Will you let me?” I held my breath. My stomach gurgled, and I felt light-headed.
Connor glanced down at our intertwined fingers before looking up at me again. “Before we go inside, where I’m guessing everyone we know is waiting, can we talk?” He sounded as nervous as I felt.
“S-s-sure,” I stuttered. I hadn’t counted on this, and all I could think was he was going to tell me I’d made a mistake, tell me that I was a mistake, point out everything I’d done wrong. It just felt like the other shoe was about to drop, and what made everything feel a million times worse was there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it. Trying to untangle my fingers, I needed some space. “Let me just get Derek to take Lachlan.”
“No. I…I mean, can we keep him with us?”
“Okay.”
With a simple nod, Connor pointed to a picnic table in desperate need of a coat of paint under a huge gum tree. “Over there?”
Letting him lead me across the parking lot, I focused on the faces Lachlan was making. He wasn’t a baby anymore. He’d grown into a little boy. A real little boy. He still drove me crazy, and didn’t sleep when he should, and don’t even get me started on his terrible eating habits, but he was the light of my life. He had a huge personality, and when he smiled, it lit up my whole world.
When we got to the table I set the bag down and sat, bouncing Lachlan in my arms while Connor paced back and forth.
Lachlan blew a raspberry, his new favourite trick, covering my face in dribble. “Gross!” I complained, wiping it off with the back of my hand.
Connor chuckled. This was mum life. If I wasn’t covered in spit up, or dribble, or shit, it wasn’t a normal day. Sure, everything had changed, not all of it for the good, but I wouldn’t give him up for anything. “You’re good at that.”
“At what?”
“Being a mum. He loves you.”
“How could he not?” It slipped out before I could think. Connor did something to me. It was like he’d burrowed his way inside my head and disabled my filter. When he was near, it seemed every thought I had came dribbling out of my mouth completely uncensored.
“Of course. Silly me. What was I thinking?”
“Connor. I’m sorry about the money.” There. The elephant in the room had been acknowledged. Derek had told me what Connor said about feeling like a whore, and to be honest, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. I just wanted to repay him for everything he’d done, and he was being a stubborn ass about it. If he’d just given me his account details like I’d asked, none of this would be an issue.
“Why’d you do it?”
Shit! Didn’t look like Connor was going to let me off the hook easily. I was really hoping he would.
“I didn’t think how it would look. I just needed to repay you…”
“Why? I told you I didn’t want your money.”
“You only didn’t want it because you thought I couldn’t afford it.”
“No. That’s not it.”
“Yes, it is.”
> “Fine. That’s not only it. I wanted to do this for you.”
“Why?”
“You want the truth?”
“Can I handle it?”
“I’m not sure. Can you?”
There was the million dollar question. How much more could I take? And what did I get if I survived it? One look at Connor, I knew what I wanted as my prize. I wanted to at least try. I had no idea if we could make a go of something or even if he wanted to, but I wanted to try. I’d thought I wanted to be alone. Turns out that life’s incredibly lonely and not much fun at all without someone to share it with. I had to take the chance. See if this would work. If it didn’t, I’m sure it would hurt like hell, but at least I wouldn’t be lying in my bed each night wondering what if. The what if’s in my life had driven me almost to the point of crazy.
“Hit me with it,” I invited daringly, holding Lachlan close.
“I wanted to give you an excuse for you to stick around.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?”
“Why did you want me to stay? From what I hear, I’m just a pain in your ass.”
“True. But you’re a pain I’m not ready to see the back of just yet.”
Rolling my eyes, I played along. “How generous of you.”
“What about you, Zoe? What are you going to do?”
Here it was.
My moment.
My chance to come clean.
I had to do it. Like ripping off a band-aid.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“You’re not?” He sounded surprised, and I secretly loved that I’d caught him off guard. It was empowering. And if he thought that was big news, he better sit down.
“I had a crazy week last week…” I started, only to be interrupted.
Lachlan waved his arm and smacked me in the face. For a little dude, he sure could pack a punch. “Ow!” While I rubbed my cheek, Connor took him from my arms and started rocking him back and forth. For someone who didn’t have kids, he was a natural. Not to mention how fucking hot he looked holding my son. But that’s not what today was about. I needed to ignore the dad porn in front of me and focus.
“What happened?” Connor encouraged as Lachlan wrapped his fist around Connor’s thumb.
Finding Forever (Meet the McIntyres Book 5) Page 20