by Melody Grace
Everything I know Hunter would want from his wedding day.
Dex leads me to a seat in the back, still looking happy to be included in things.
“Can you believe it?” I’m hugged from behind. I turn, finding my friend Carina with Garrett in tow. “I never guessed for a moment. But then, I’ve been kind of out of it. This little one isn’t letting me get a wink of sleep.” She rubs her swollen belly with a sigh.
“I didn’t know either,” I answer faintly, but she’s already reaching across me to introduce herself to Dex.
“As in, the Dex Callahan?” Carina pushes back her blonde hair and gives me a meaningful look. “Alicia, you’ve been holding out on me.”
Garrett chuckles. “We’ll let you ladies catch up. Dex, you want to come help me out? They need to bring more chairs out from the house.”
“Sure thing.” Dex drops a kiss on my cheek as he passes. “Be right back.”
Carina sinks into a seat as the men leave us. “That’s better,” she sighs. “I don’t know how I’m going to take another few months of this.”
“You look great.” I try to pull myself together. “Pregnancy suits you.”
“Say that when I’m dry heaving at three in the morning,” Carina says with a wry look. “Garrett’s a saint, he keeps getting up to bring me ginger ale.”
“That’s sweet.”
“But enough about me.” Carina fixes me with a knowing look. “You’ve clearly been having more fun.”
I blush, self-conscious.
“Tell me everything,” she demands. “I didn’t even know you were seeing someone!”
“I’m not,” I reply. “I mean…Maybe.”
“But is it serious?” Carina demands, peppering me with excited questions. “No wait, don’t answer that, the way he was looking at you is plenty serious. But how do you feel? Are you just being casual, or is this for real?”
My head spins. “I don’t know.”
Carina looks disappointed, but she quickly hides it. “Sorry for the inquisition,” she adds. “Call it the matchmaker in me. I’m nesting like crazy right now, I just want to see everyone else settled and happily ever after too. Like Hunter and Brit.”
“Like Hunter and Brit,” I echo numbly.
I look around, my eyes catching on the couples here today to celebrate the big day. Emerson and Juliet. Lacey and Daniel. Even Carina and Garrett are here together. My friends, all busy building lives together with their loved ones: a solid foundation, the kind of real, dependable relationship I’ve craved for so long.
Partners. Lovers. Friends.
I feel a hand on my arm. Dex is back. “I think they’re getting started,” he nods to the front of the barn. Everyone takes their seats and turns to where Emerson is standing up as best man beside Hunter.
Hunter.
He doesn’t look nervous, just calm, standing perfectly still. Waiting for his bride.
I used to dream that was me. I’ve played out this scene a hundred times over, imagining every moment: the music, the flowers, the dress. And that look on his face, about to start our lives together.
But when the music starts, I’m not the one who comes walking down the aisle. I’m not the one he sees in the long white dress. Everyone else turns to look at Brit, but I can’t drag my eyes away from Hunter as he watches his bride make that slow walk towards him.
I’ve never seen him look so happy, or full of love.
It should be the worst moment in my life, but instead, I feel a calm wash over me. Something unravels in my chest. The knot of hope and envy, the years of wistful pining, all focused on this one man, it comes undone; the tangle of painful heartstrings slipping free.
Enough.
He’s not meant to be mine. Perhaps he never was.
But this, right here, is meant to be.
Relief washes over me, sweet as summer rain, and I feel like crying with the sense of release. I watch Brit take her place at his side; watch them exchange a private smile. And I see in that moment how deeply they’re connected with each other. How they share a part of each other’s hearts that I never did with Hunter, not even close.
Because I understand now what it means to know a man. Really know him. Not just the easy, casual face he shows the world, friendly conversations and jokes over drinks. But his darkest secrets, his deepest fears. I’ve seen a man at his worst, most broken, and I’ve held him in my arms at his most free. I’ve looked deeply into his very soul, feeling him move inside of me; raw, and wild, and undone.
That man isn’t Hunter. He’s standing right beside me.
He’s the only one I’ve ever known. The only man who’s every truly known me.
Dex.
The realization shatters through me. I look up at him, blinking through the tears, but he’s not watching the ceremony, he’s staring down at me.
His face is drawn, his eyes clouding over, dark and tense. And I see it, clear as day. He knows the truth.
“It’s him.”
29.
Dex doesn’t say another word through the ceremony. He stands beside me, tense as granite, staring straight ahead as Hunter and Brit exchange their tender vows.
The words drift over me, a million miles away. I’m too caught up in the sick flutter of anxiety spinning in my stomach: a hot flood of humiliation and panic making my skin prickle and my legs feel weak.
He knows.
The secret I’ve been guarding for years now is let loose, written all over my face for the world to see. It’s embarrassing, but worse than that, I feel exposed; my darkest, most private hopes now stripped naked for Dex to see. To judge.
He must think I’m so pathetic, to have loved Hunter like this for so long. Anyone can see I never stood a chance, that Brit was the only one for him. Even I realize that now, but no sooner has the relief of letting him go washed through me than it’s replaced with this new panic.
What happens now?
I’ve kept everything inside for so long, but now my emotions are spilling out and I don’t know how to keep them under control. I’ve always been logical, sensible, but right now a million different feelings are crashing through me at once, and I can’t keep them straight. The Hunter chapter in my life is over, I know that without a doubt, but without that solid truth to cling to, I feel rudderless, spinning from the shore. And Dex...
Dex.
My heart clenches. All week, I’ve held tight to the safety of my unrequited love. I told myself that Hunter has my heart, even as Dex has claimed my body. I was determined to keep the two split in my mind, even as I felt my boundaries crumbling down and our connection grow. But if I’m free to love again now, what does that mean for our future?
What is Dex to me now?
A burst of cheers breaks through my thoughts. The ceremony is over now: the happy couple walk back down the aisle together, smiling and laughing with the crowd. Dex stands tensely until they’re past and there’s a rush to congratulate them on the lawn. Then he takes my arm and tugs me in the other direction, away from everyone.
I follow him around to the other side of the stables, trying to collect my thoughts. Dex’s expression is inscrutable as he strides ahead of me, and I hurry to keep pace, wondering what’s running through his mind. What he thinks of me now that he knows the truth.
Finally, he comes to a stop by the rear of the house, where the party is just a distant echo of music and laughter. We’re alone.
Dex stays turned away from me a moment. I catch my breath, my heartbeat racing in my chest. I don’t know why I’m so nervous, I haven’t done anything wrong. I told him from the start, I’d been in love with someone else.
But you didn’t say who…Or that he was still in your life like this.
“I’m right, aren’t I? It’s him.” Dex’s voice comes, ice-cold, and then he turns. My heart falls. Everything about him is screaming with tension: his arms crossed over his chest, his posture clenched tight and distanced.
“Dex…” I start.
; “Your guy. The love of your life. It’s Hunter.” Dex’s words slice through me, and I see the betrayal in his eyes. “God, you must think I’m a total idiot, not to see before now.”
“No,” I protest, moving closer. “Dex—”
“All this time, I couldn’t put two and two together. Before, in the diner?” Dex starts pacing. “There I was, being all friendly to the guy. And I was the one who insisted we come here. Fuck!”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” I watch him, the knot in my chest twisting tighter. “I just didn’t think…”
“What?” Dex demands harshly.
“I didn’t think it made a difference,” I answer in a small voice.
“We’re at his fucking wedding!”
I flinch back, and right away, I see the regret in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, lowering his voice. He takes a deep breath, fighting to stay calm. “I just, I can’t get my head around this.”
“But I told you about him. The first night we met.”
Dex shakes his head. “This is different. Knowing it’s him, knowing how you think about him.” He clenches his jaw, “I told you, I wanted to smash that guy’s face in, whoever hurt you like that.”
“It’s not his fault!” I exclaim quickly. “Hunter never knew, not for a minute. Dex, you can’t, please, promise me you won’t say anything.”
He stares at me. “That’s what you care about right now?”
“No, I just…” I scramble to think straight. “It’s over now. It’s done. I just want to put it behind me. Please, Dex, listen to me.”
“How can it be over?” He demands, looking agonized. “I saw your face, watching him. Tell me you weren’t standing right next to me, imagining yourself up there with him. Wishing you were the one saying ‘I do.’”
I catch my breath. He’s right, I was—only for a moment. But my hesitation is a heartbeat too long.
Hurt slams across Dex’s face. “You were, weren’t you?” He reels back. “You’re still in love with him.”
“No!” I cry, needing him to understand. “It’s over. You’re right, I saw him up there, and a part of me wished I was the one, but then I realized, he doesn’t belong to me. I don’t know him, not like I know you—”
I reach for Dex, but he shakes me off. “I should have known a girl like you would never want me,” he growls, his face shadowed with self-loathing. “I thought, maybe, after everything…But he’s what you want, isn’t he? Mr. Cowboy, all clean-cut and perfect, not some wretched fuck-up like me.”
“Don’t say that,” I protest. “You’re not like that—and neither is he.”
“Listen to yourself!” Dex cuts me off. “You’re defending him!”
“Because he’s my friend,” I try to explain.
“So what am I?” Dex demands harshly. “Just the walking disaster you screwed to get him off your mind? Or maybe you wanted to show him what he’s missing out on, fuck the rock star, the famous guy, yeah, that’ll teach him a lesson.”
The bitterness in his tone slices right through me. “Is that really what you think of me?” I whisper, my heart aching. “Dex, you know that’s not true.”
“I don’t know what to think anymore,” he shoots back at me. Betrayal is etched deep in his face, those dark eyes that can undo me with a single glance now full of anger. “This was real to me. You. Us, together. I had myself believing you felt the same.”
“But I do,” I whisper.
He shakes his head. “Not like this. You don’t even know.” Dex takes a ragged breath. "Dammit, Alicia, I’m in love with you!”
I stare back in shock.
“How do you not realize?” he demands, anguished. “From the moment we met, it’s only been you. I’m so fucking out of my mind, I can’t see straight. You consume me, every part of me, and knowing that he’s the one you want, the one you picture yourself with—” He cuts off, eyes blazing with regret. “Fuck, what the hell am I doing?”
Dex releases me, turning away. I stumble back, reeling.
He loves me?
“Dex…” I stammer, trying to think straight. This is all too much, suddenly falling apart right in front of me. I never realized, I didn’t see. “It’s over with Hunter, I promise you.”
“How can it be over when it was never even real?” Dex demands. “You know, I didn’t understand how you could give all of yourself to this, this figment! But I’ve done exactly the same thing, haven’t I? I built you up—built us up—into something that was never there. I shared everything, but was only ever about the sex to you, wasn’t it?”
“No!” I protest. “It’s not true!”
But he's not listening. Dex advances, the dark glitter in his eyes turning deadly. “That’s something, I guess. One honest thing about this whole mess. Because you can’t pretend you don't feel something, can you, baby? Your body doesn’t lie.”
Dex takes my face in his hands, pushing me back until I’m up against the wall. His expression blazes with fierce anger and passion, his body crushing against me.
“Dex,” I try to argue, but he trails his thumb over my cheek, whispering hotly in my ear.
“Do you think about him when I’m touching you?” he demands, running his hands down my body, clutching me hard and tight. I shiver, his touch burning through my skin. “When I’m kissing you, do you see his face? When I’m inside you? When I’m making you scream?”
Dex’s eyes flash with fury, and then his lips crash down on mine.
30.
DEX
I can’t lose her.
I kiss Alicia hard, like I can brand her with my passion. Like if I can make her want me, this will all go away. The hurt and betrayal, the whispers of doubt.
She’ll never really love you. You don’t deserve a girl like her.
I wanted her to be my everything. From the moment I saw her, I knew she could save me from the darkness. My angel, full of sweetness and passion and wild, reckless hope. Every moment we’ve spent together has been a miracle, discovering her, knowing her.
Loving her.
But it was all a lie. I’d fooled myself into thinking it could be different now—that I could be the better man she needs. But one look in her eyes, watching that golden boy say his vows, and I knew.
She’s never looked at me that way.
The truth cuts me to the core, confirming my darkest fears in an instant. I bared my soul to her, carved myself wide open to show her the most ugly, hidden parts of myself, hoping she could love me for the broken, fucked up man I am.
But I should have known she’d never love me back.
I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough for a girl like her.
I’ve used up all my second chances; my crimes are too great to find forgiveness now.
The taunts build, every dark thought whirling through me, a crescendo of cruel blame driving me further into the abyss away from thought and logic.
Nothing makes sense to me, only the pain beating in my chest.
All you’ll do is hurt her, destroy every good thing you touch. No wonder she’d rather love a fantasy than spend her life with you.
“Dex,” Alicia whimpers, pressing against me. She wants to pull away, but I know how to keep her locked in place, the way to make her body melt. I lick down her throat, devouring her tender flesh. She makes a moaning sound, arching up against me, and the irony could break my fucking heart in two.
Her body is mine, but her heart never will be.
I need her more than anything, but could I ever settle for that?
31.
ALICIA
I yield to him by instinct, falling into his embrace. I can taste the desperate emotion in his kiss, feel the anguish as he forces my lips apart, plunging his tongue deep to claim my mouth.
“You still want me,” Dex growls, pulling away. He pushes his thigh between my legs, molding my body to his hard contours, sending friction like stardust through my body as he grinds against me. “I know you, baby, I know the way you
feel. Tell me you don’t feel it,” he demands, but my head is spinning too much to make a sound, and then he kisses me again, raw and ravenous. For a moment I’m caught in his animal force, sinking into the madness.
But this is wrong, all wrong. He’s kissing me with anger, not passion, no sign of tenderness in his eyes.
“Dex,” I wrench away. He doesn’t let go, trying to kiss me harder, hold me tighter, until I place my hands against his chest and shove back with all my might. “Dex, stop!”
My voice echoes. A look of horror skitters across his face. He stumbles back, from me, breathing hard.
Silence.
“What’s happening?” I plead with him, my voice breaking. “What do you want me to say? I’ve told you, I’m not in love with him like that anymore. I care about you, Dex. This is real to me too!”
“So tell me you’ll never see him again,” Dex demands. “Tell me you love me, that you’ll be mine. Only mine. That you’ll cut him out of your life forever.”
I gulp. “I can’t do that,” I say weakly. “He’s my friend.”
Dex makes a noise of derision. “Bullshit. You’re still in love with him.”
“No,” I tell him, feeling a first spark of anger. “You’re not listening to me. You don’t get to say who I’m friends with, or make those kinds of demands. I’ve known Hunter for years. You’ve been in my life less than a week!”
“And I knew the first night we met that you were the one for me,” Dex counters, his dark eyes bright with intensity. “You’re everything to me, Alicia. I would marry you tomorrow, hell, right this fucking minute if you just said the word. But you won’t, will you? You don’t love me, not like him.”
Marry me?