by T A Ford
Late that night, while Cue slept, Dina crept from her bed and slipped into the bathroom to take a shower and try to work through her depressive thoughts away from the Christmas tree. When she felt braver, she returned and found Cue sitting on the sofa bed staring at the floor. He looked as lost as she felt. A small part of her wanted to comfort him, but she didn’t want to face the emotions she felt whenever she was near him. He’d revealed himself to be a liar. She didn’t even know him. Dina sat on her bed. Cue looked up in the dark.
“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m really sorry Dina,” he said.
“I know Doc. I believe that.”
“I miss you.”
“I believe that too.”
He sighed and looked back down at the floor.
“Doc?”
“Yes?” he answered but didn’t look up.
“Do you want to drink?” she asked. “Right now.”
His head lifted slowly. She could see tears glisten in the dark. He slowly nodded and gave a wry smile that she understood his torment. Dina pushed herself to stand and went to him. Cue grabbed her by the waist. He buried his face against her pelvis. “I want a drink. I want one bad,” he confessed. “I’m sick.”
She stroked the top of his head.
He wept silently with his face pressed to her. And she let him hold her tighter and tighter. He was making the sacrifices for his own redemption. Her salvation was just part of his journey. Maybe at the end of the road they both could be better for it. Dina wished for it to be true.
“I understand Doc. It’s the emptiness inside. Isn’t it? It hurts to be alone.”
He lifted his head. She wiped his tears from his cheekbones with her thumbs and smiled down at him.
“I’m not alone, I have you. Right?”
How did the role change so swiftly? Should she tell him the truth? That what they had could never be the way it was? That what they shared would never be the same? Or should she do what felt best in her heart, and become the liar that he had been?
Dina leaned in and brushed her lips over his. She felt the dryness, the thirst, and she pushed herself to be braver and let him back in. His hands slipped down her backside and he reclined on the sofa, bringing her with him.
“It’s okay Doc,” she said as he aggressively pulled her robe. She kissed his face and let him touch her like he wished. He moistened his lips and kissed her breasts, sucking one nipple then the other. She was the first to be undressed. She straddled his waist. He sat up so he could pull down his pajama pants, and all the while kept loving on her breasts with his mouth and clinging to her. It took little effort for her to rise on her knees and go down on his erection. Feeling him released a stifled cry of pleasure from her. She arched her back and his kisses dragged down to her ribcage and back up to the underside of her breast before he devoured her nipple once more.
“Yes, oh, yes Doc,” she moaned, as she replaced every bit of hurt with raw and pure lust-driven euphoria. He dropped back on the sofa and groaned his pleasure, his face contorted by the surges of it. She rocked her hips back and forth and bounced a bit while running her hand up his chest to feel his heart beating rapidly beneath his hot skin.
“Yes, Doc, feel it, I’m here,” she coaxed him. In charge for the first time since her nightmare began, she was the one that gave the healing. “You still love me?” she asked. She wanted to hear him say it again. Louder this time. He nodded his answer.
“I love you,” he breathed.
“I love you too Doc. Always,” she said, and it had to be the truth. No one person ever made her feel so deeply and purely as he had. Dina closed her eyes and gave in to the pelvic strikes of pleasure rippling through her. She dug her nails into his chest and fell forward as she circled her hips, stimulating her love button into distress and pitching her forward with a climatic release. As she reveled in the bliss, Cue turned her on the sofa under him and made love to her nice and slow, until every bit of her climax was achieved.
She clung to him and the feeling of love wishing it was enough, pretending that it was. He must have come inside of her, because she felt his sticky seed slip out of her when he withdrew.
Afterwards she slept on the small sofa on her side with him pressed to her back and her thighs tightly shut. And for the first time in a long time she didn’t dream.
Dina woke with the sun warming her face. She could smell breakfast cooking. The Christmas tree was still there. The lights were still on. The presents remained untouched underneath. She was more than curious about the night on the sofa. Was it like she remembered, or was it a dream?
“Merry Christmas,” he said.
“It’s not Christmas,” she grumbled.
“Today is Christmas, yesterday was Christmas Eve,” Cue replied.
“Really? It was?” she asked, a bit confused.
He winked. She knew it was his joke, but for a moment she almost believed him.
“Go ahead,” he gestured with the fork in his hand to the tree.
“What?”
“Presents. Today you open them,” he said.
“I didn’t buy you anything,” she mumbled.
“That’s not the point of Christmas. Especially this Christmas—”
“It’s not Christmas. I’m not crazy, so stop acting like I don’t know what day it is,” she said. He stopped moving pots and cooking and walked out of the kitchen. He went to the tree and picked up the three boxes and carried them over to the sofa. She scooted away from the spot where he set the presents.
“I have never called you crazy. I’ve never believed you were crazy. This is the holiday we wanted to share together. Right?”
“When you were my boyfriend. You aren’t anymore, even after what we did last night,” she muttered. “Which was good sex.”
“True. But I didn’t lie. I’m still in love with you,” he said.
“I know. And I love you too. With all my heart. Sort of. The thing is Doc, I don’t trust love anymore. It’s an overrated emotion. Something to be written in books. Not real life. Why should I believe in it? It only hurts when I do.” She wiped at her eyes, even though tears didn’t slip. “I loved my family and I lost them. I loved you and it didn’t last for us. Not the way I wanted it to. Nothing ever lasts forever.”
She could see the hurt in his eyes. So she looked away. He touched the presents. “If I can’t be your boyfriend, can I be your friend again?”
“Friendship is about trust. Who do you trust?” she asked him.
“Truth?” he asked.
“Yes. Tell me the truth, if you can,” she said.
“I trust you,” he said. “I have always trusted you. Throughout all of this, you were the only one that was honest.”
She glanced to the presents and then to him. “Rodney is still in jail. No Christmas for him.”
“Yes sweetheart.”
“I’m all alone now,” she said. “This fake Christmas doesn’t fix that.”
“That’s why it’s important to have friends. Because when you do, you aren’t alone.”
“What’s in the box?”
“Pick one to open. Let’s see?”
She picked up a wrapped box and shook it. She looked at him curiously and then unwrapped the paper. She used her nails and peeled away tape. A book dropped out. “For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemingway,” she said. “I have this book.”
“Open it,” he said.
She opened the book and her eyes stretched. “It’s a first edition! It’s signed!”
He smiled.
“How?! It’s signed!” She stood scanning the script. “It’s his signature. I know, I’ve seen it before. It’s really his signature. Thank you so much!” She leapt at him and hugged his neck. She’d never dreamed of owning a signed Ernest Hemingway. It had to be priceless. “Where did this come from? A museum? How did you get it? How did you afford it?”
“I have my ways,” he said.
“These books are worth over three hundred thousand
dollars. You can’t afford this. How did you get this Doc?”
There was no way he would confess to his connections. The book had been stolen, probably taken from a museum or private owner’s collection. He got it on the dark web for twenty thousand dollars before the bottom fell out on his gambling money two months ago. He had been planning to give it to her on Christmas Day. Now, seeing how happy she was, he had hope that she could see past all of his mistakes. Eventually.
She kissed him on the lips. “It’s the best gift anyone’s ever given me.”
“Open the rest of the presents,” he told her.
She opened the boxes with giddiness and excitement. He got her planners and pens, and the journals she took with her everywhere. Things she relied on for stability. Things that reminded her of the real world. She looked up at him and the smile he saw on her face was from her heart. He felt it. Just as she felt her love for him when he was sinking to his breaking point last night. He reveled in it. He missed her.
“Thank you very much. This is a very nice thing for you to do for me.”
“Merry Christmas,” he said.
She nodded. “Merry Christmas, Doc.”
“How about we get off the sofa today? You can read me some Ernest Hemingway while I finish breakfast?”
“I’d like that,” she agreed. Dina put her packages near the tree. She threw away the paper while he put up the sofa bed. She then went to the bathroom and showered and groomed herself. While she was gone, he fished out his cellphone. He saw no text from Maura. That felt odd. It had been close to two weeks since she put his plan into action. He had expected to hear something from her by now.
AFTER BREAKFAST DINA and Cue sat on the front deck in rocking chairs while she picked out her favorite parts of her book. She knew he half slept and half listened to her read. She didn’t mind. The longer they stayed together that way the more she realized how important friendship was for them both. “Good relationships should always start this way,” she blurted. Her thoughts were no longer private. She looked over and found he had indeed heard her. His only reaction was a smile.
“You’re getting back to yourself.”
“Normal. I feel normal,” she said.
“You know what?” he asked.
She waited.
He took a deep breath and exhaled. “I think I feel normal too.”
“Hey. I have to tell you something. This book you picked. It’s almost poetic when it comes to you.”
“Me?”
“Yea,” she said. “It’s all about ethics.”
“Is it?”
“I mean it’s about war, yes, but it’s also about morality. The choices we make in the most impossible of times. The consequences we face. Have you read it?” she asked.
“Once, in high school. I think.”
She closed the book and looked at him. “I want to hate you. I know I should blame you for at least some of the lies. But I can’t. You made a decision for me, but it wasn’t malicious. And I pursued you just as much as you wanted me. It’s funny. I wanted Rodney to trust me. I wanted him to let me be my own person. And he gave me you instead.”
“Rodney did what he thought would help you.”
“And Rodney was right. You did help me. I’m stronger. Even with the voices in my head and my fears. I’m stronger. I survived it. The ends justify the means sometimes.”
Cue sat up from his reclined position. He looked over at her and tried to see their circumstances from her point of view. All he saw was the woman he wanted to protect and had failed to. For him, she hadn’t changed, but he knew that if he was to be worthy of her, he would need too. “What happened in the bathroom? Did you try to harm yourself?”
“I took the pills,” she shrugged. “I took as many as I could get in my mouth. Don’t worry, I didn’t swallow any. I spit them all out,” she said and closed the book. “I don’t want to die Doc. I don’t want to go back to any mental facility. I want my life. My life, my way.” She touched his hand. “And I want you and Rodney to let me go live it.”
He kissed her hand. “What if we can’t do that?”
“You don’t have a choice. Not anymore. You’re Jordan, I’m Maria, and Rodney is Pablo from this book. Your sacrifice for me frees me. Read the book again, you’ll understand what I mean.”
“The book’s for you,” he said.
She came over to him and hugged his neck. “It’s for us. I forgive you. Forgive yourself, Doc. You have a problem. It can’t be fixed by just curing me. Detonate the bridge, Jordan,” she smiled. He didn’t understand, but he knew it must have meaning in the book. “Detonate the bridge and destroy all those demons. All of them. I promise I’ll be okay. I’ll be free.”
He held her for a long moment before his phone buzzed. She noticed it first. Cue stood and removed it from his pocket. His heart sank as he read the text: “Bring her back. It’s started. We’ve made the news.”
“What is it?” Dina asked.
He stared at the message, weighing his options. What option should he take: destroy his life and save hers, or run with her and destroy them both? He’d head north. There was a lighthouse his father owned. You could only reach it by boat. He could take her there. No one could reach them. No one would know where to look. At least not for a while.
“Who was it?” Dina asked.
Cue looked at her. The expression of frozen torment warped his handsome features.
“Doc? What’s going on?”
“What if we leave Dina?” he asked. “What if I’m not the hero. What if I’m Pablo from that book instead? What if I can’t make the sacrifice?”
“Huh?”
“We run. Now. Right now. I take you to Maine. Introduce you to my parents. We can finish our Christmas there. Friends, lovers, whatever you want. But you and me together.”
She shook her head in sadness. “No, Doc.”
“It could be good. A road trip,” he said.
“I can’t go anywhere with you, Doc.”
“I know you don’t trust me—” he began.
“I just told you I forgive you,” she said.
“—but if we leave now I promise you I will win your trust back,” he continued.
“Are you listening Doc, or just hearing what you want to?”
“It’s a day drive. We can stop and visit some of the tourist spots—”
“Stop it.” She stepped back with her book. “I’m not running away with you. Rodney is in jail. He needs me. I need to get better. I’m stronger, but not better.”
“I can take care of you,” Cue said.
“I said no! I don’t want you to take care of me. I want you to take care of you! Now who was that on the phone? Was it Rodney? Something wrong?”
Cue shook his head.
“Doc, please, you said you trust me. Tell me the truth.”
“It was Maura. Damn it!” He paced the porch. Dina let him walk him without questions. She had learned from Rodney that when a man was distressed, they didn’t handle questioning. Especially black men. Maybe white men too. Cue was more like her brother than either of them realized. Always looking for the easy way out. He wasn’t Jordan from the book, but she wanted him to be. For her, he was the hero. And that was both good and bad for her.
“It’s over baby,” he said.
“What? Rodney?”
“No. Us. You were right. I wanted to sacrifice myself to free you. I made a deal with Maura. One that will keep you out of the hospital. I needed to be sure you don’t have to ever go back to that place again.”
“What is this deal?”
“Me. I have to tell them what happened with Dr. Robinson and me. I have to tell them what happened with us.”
“Tell who?”
“The authorities. We will need to go back to Atlanta. And meet with the police.”
“Police? I thought you said you would go to jail if you went public?”
“Yes. But that’s not what this is about. You don’t need me and Rodney to control
your life. You need to be able to own your life for you. So we go meet with these people and we put you in charge.”
“What happens to you?” she asked. “Jail?”
“Possibly. I get to start over. The right way. I need to be stronger too. Like you said, I’ve got some demons of my own to blow up.”
Dina went to Cue and hugged his waist. She held on tight to him. He had been the best part of her life for the past few months. The best part of her heart. She lifted her head to tell him, but for the first time she found it hard to say the words. And then it dawned on her. She turned and went back to the book he gave her. She picked up a pen and wrote in it. This defaced the value of it forever, and made it permanently theirs. He watched her without objection as she brought it over to him.
“I want you to keep this Doc. To remind you of the good and bad choices we make. That there always is a reason why we have to do what is best for ourselves and others. And that there’s a price me must pay. It’s called accountability. Right?”
“Right,” he agreed. He kissed her on the lips, then the brow. “Right. I don’t know how I can ever let you go Dina. I’ve never met a woman more special than you.”
“We’re going to be friends forever, Doc. You’ll see,” she grinned. “Friends with benefits, if I want us to be. Now, I need to get dressed so we can go. I need to see Rodney too, and help him understand the mistakes of Pablo. Okay?”
The headlights of a truck approached. The sun was about to set so the lights were bright enough to freeze them both. “Go inside. Lock the door,” he told her.
“Who is that?”
“Go,” he said, wishing he had his gun on him. He didn’t have time to get it. He’d have to deal with his nosey neighbor on his own. Jess parked the truck and got out with his shotgun aimed at Cue.
“Not another step mister. You not going anywhere, kidnapper.”
“What are you talking about?” Cue asked with his hands raised.