It Was Over When...

by Robert K. Elder

  My blind date showed up and immediately gave me a rolled-up piece of fabric. I opened it up, and it was a calendar with his photo on the top and the words “World’s Greatest Lover.” I guess I was supposed to be excited by it, but I was extremely embarrassed.

  —KS

  AFTERMATH

  I did go on the date but I threw out the calendar as soon as I got home. I never answered his calls.

  FINAL, FINAL FANTASY

  He started crying one night and told me he fell in love with a three-hundred-pound Canadian woman he met playing Final Fantasy online.

  —Grateful He Sucked

  AFTERMATH

  I broke it off then. Three months later, he begged for me to take him back.

  THE SHARTER

  He sharted in my car.

  —Melissa

  AFTERMATH

  It should have been dunzo right then and there but it lasted a few more months.

  BAD TIMING

  I was in mourning over a kid who had died. The thought of dying so young got to me. I was crying on my boyfriend’s couch, and he tried to console me. Then he put my hand on his crotch and tried to make me give him a hand-job while I was sobbing.

  —Nicky

  AFTERMATH

  Thankfully, his grandmother came in so he threw my hand off. It lasted maybe three months afterward, and there is no justifying that duration.

  TEA PARTY

  I got up to go get a glass of water and came back into my bedroom to find my boyfriend on his knees proceeding to tea-bag my sleeping friend.

  —Holly

  AFTERMATH

  I told him to zip up his pants and leave.

  SERIAL KILLER

  She told me she would swim to the bottom of the ocean for me. I replied, “But your head would explode.” She said that was fine, if it were for me. Then I asked her if she would still love me if I was a serial killer. She said yes!

  —Max Armbar

  AFTERMATH

  Needless to say, I did not kill multiple people to see if she was telling the truth. I just got the heck out of Dodge.

  JUNK

  I only knew the guy for a week when he asked if he could come to my place to see me. We were sitting on the couch watching TV (with family upstairs) when he all of a sudden pulled his junk out of his pants. In shock, I asked what the hell he was doing. His response: “Well, don’t you want to suck on it?”

  —Mandy

  AFTERMATH

  I kicked him out of my house immediately. He called every day not knowing he did anything wrong. I haven’t spoken to him since.

  POSTER CHILD

  I saw his bedroom for the first time—the walls were covered in music posters, “cool” clippings from magazines, old concert tickets, and random show flyers. Did I mention he was twenty-eight?

  —Rae

  AFTERMATH

  We actually dated off and on for about a year before I finally broke it off for good. I always felt like I was thirteen in that bedroom—and not in a good way.

  LAKE SUPERIOR

  I met a girl at a bar where it was open bar. Dangerous stuff. We went back to her apartment. The next morning every square inch of the bed was soaked. Even the pillows were wet. It was either her, or me, or her fat angry cat. I suspect the cat. We didn’t talk about the elephant in the room, or Lake Superior on her bed.

  —Jack Diamond

  AFTERMATH

  There was no second “date.”

  I PREFER CREAMY

  Not only did he have a man-purse (aka a “murse”), which I could have dealt with, but as we parted, he pulled a jar of chunky peanut butter out of his murse, gave it to me, and told me, “It reminded me of you.”

  —Missi

  AFTERMATH

  I tossed the peanut butter and never saw him or his murse again.

  PUBES

  He asked if I was seeing someone else. I said no and asked him why he would think that. He told me he was in my bathroom and found a male pubic hair in my toilet!

  —Jennifer

  AFTERMATH

  I told him that if we had not had tickets to a show that night, I would never speak to him again, and after the show, I didn’t. How he thought it was a male pubic hair, I will never know…

  BITER

  When we got back to his place, he said, “I gotta see what I’m dealing with,” and bit me on the ass.

  —Mel

  AFTERMATH

  I never saw him again after that night. I heard he has a girlfriend now. Hope she likes biters.

  HAPPY DANCE

  We were listening to Bob Dylan. Out of nowhere he jumped up from the sofa and danced around the room while pulling his hair, shaking his head from side to side, and shouting, “Yes!!” For three songs solid. When I asked what he was doing, he said: “It’s how I express myself when I’m happy, and if you don’t love my dancing then you don’t love me…”

  —Guys Shouldn’t Bounce

  AFTERMATH

  I ended it soon after. If that was his “happy dance,” I dread to think what being upset would do to him.

  HANKY

  During our date he proceeded to speak in different accents, tell me about his frequent visits to “massage parlors,” and constantly pat his face with a hanky from his pocket.

  —Ty

  AFTERMATH

  We lived an hour apart so I didn’t feel obligated to see him again.

  PHOTOGRAPHER

  This girl took pictures of me—from I don’t even know where—and spelled out her name and phone number with them and put them on the roof of my car.

  —JJ

  AFTERMATH

  I did call her, only to tell her that I would call the cops if it ever happened again.

  PENIS ENVY

  He announced he was still traumatized from being circumcised and he wanted to “grow it back.” He spent every day with his tiny unit wrapped in surgical tape and Popsicle sticks, with a lead weight dangling from it. Then he accused me of not wanting to have sex with him.

  —Kat

  AFTERMATH

  I moved out. He was lousy in bed anyway, even when he wasn’t wrapped like a mummy.

  MAIL ORDER BABY

  I was living in another state. She called me, wanting me to “collect a sample,” freeze it, and send it to her so she could impregnate herself nine months before I got home. She thought it would be romantic to step off the plane and into the hospital for the birth of our “child.”

  —Katghoti

  AFTERMATH

  No sample, no baby, no more attachment.

  I ALWAYS PUT IT THERE

  On our first date we went back to his place to watch a movie. I went to use the restroom and there was a dildo in the sink. I shouted, “You left your dildo in the sink.” He said, “Sorry,” and said he was using it earlier.

  —Tat

  AFTERMATH

  I left!

  DOWN AND OUT

  After going down on my girlfriend and giving her an amazing orgasm, she proudly said she wasn’t going to return the favor because “I’ve gone down on lots of guys and never gotten anything in return. This is payback.”

  —Derrick

  AFTERMATH

  Quit trying with her.

  JESUS OR MAGIC?

  I can’t decide…It was either when we were having sex and he pulled out, threw on his clothes, and said, “We can’t do this; Jesus is watching,” or when he told me we could never hang out on Sundays because that’s when his Magic the Gathering card club met.

  —Red Balloon

  AFTERMATH

  He broke up with me about a week after the sex incident, saying we were “going too fast” and that he needed to be more mature for his mother.

  SEX

  SEXUAL FANTASY

  I asked him what his sexual fantasy was, and he said, “Two redheads.” I’m a brunette.

  —Autumn

  AFTERMATH

  He left me two months later. For a blonde.

  H
USH

  While in bed, I complimented one of his (only successful) sexual moves. He told me I was “ruining his concentration.” He shushed me during sex!

  —Jen

  AFTERMATH

  It was over before he was finished!

  ANATOMY LESSON

  We were lying in bed after sex, and she asked if I knew when a female is ovulating. Obviously no, I’m a guy. She wiped her vagina, then rubbed her hand across my chest. She was explaining the thickness of the mucus when I dressed and walked out of the room.

  —Jim

  AFTERMATH

  I didn’t talk to her for a couple days after that. Finally I called and broke it off with her. Not my usual style but I didn’t want to risk another anatomy lesson.

  THREE-WAY TEASE

  She was always teasing me with a three-way, with another girl. But when she came home with her new best girlfriend, they had no interest in me.

  —Ricky

  AFTERMATH

  Divorced six months later.

  WHAT COUPLES DO

  Less than a year into our relationship, I asked her why she didn’t seem to want to be around me in any way. No sex, no contact of any kind. She told me, “That’s what couples do: they stop having sex.”

  —Aaron

  AFTERMATH

  She ended the conversation by summoning her dog to once again sleep in bed between us. I got jealous of that dog. She cried when I tried to break up. Later, she broke up with me when she found another boyfriend to share the rent.

  BUZZ OFF

  I realized, as he was taking his pants off and thrusting toward me, that the reason I wasn’t attracted to him was because with his big round belly and hard dick, he looked like a bee coming at me with its stinger.

  —Franny

  AFTERMATH

  It lasted less than two weeks after that. We never had sex again.

  BOOKMARKED TAB

  I asked to borrow his computer. His bookmarks tab was open and one of the pages he had bookmarked was “Chicks with Dicks.”

  —Lindsey

  AFTERMATH

  Our six-month “open” relationship ended about a month after this.

  OFF THE MENU

  About six months into the relationship, she took a particularly hot hot hot sexual act off the menu. “That ship has sailed,” she said.

  —Perry

  AFTERMATH

  So did I.

  MOOD KILLER

  We were about to have sex when he darted over to the computer to put on some “mood music” (his words, not mine) and got distracted by his gaming buddies on ICQ. I finally got his attention and we got down to business, but every time the ICQ alert would sound, it would completely throw him off rhythm. When we were done, he all but ran to the computer, presumably to tell all his friends what a girl was like.

  —BlueCanary

  AFTERMATH

  Cheated on him a week later and ended it the next day. At least the break-up sex was good.

  WAS MADE FOR LOVIN’ YOU

  I asked him why he didn’t pay anywhere near as much attention to my genitals as I did his. He said because it “grossed him out” to look at, touch, and especially put his face anywhere near vulvas/vaginas. It was made for the penis, and nothing else should go there.

  —M

  AFTERMATH

  We communicated a couple times via instant message the week after, but never said another word to each other again.

  MAN

  He was way into the Society for Creative Anachronism and wanted me to join because I owned a horse and his “kingdom” needed a jouster. I dumped him when he mandated that we only speak in the King’s English to each other.

  —Anastasia

  AFTERMATH

  Last I heard, he thought he was a neo-romantic a la Bryan Ferry. At least he’s in this century now.

  WELCOME TO THE FAMILY

  He brought his ex-wife to our dinner date. Not only was her name the same as mine, but he explained that they were looking to complete their family. He then proceeded to tell me the rules of the house and punishment for breaking those rules (something about flogging). Yeah, that wasn’t happening.

  —Jenn

  AFTERMATH

  They are still looking for their third!

  THE GIGGLER

  He giggled after sex. And not just a little—it was pretty hearty giggling. Like someone just told the funniest damn joke and it lasted for about five minutes. It was some kind of “tic” that he had. He couldn’t control it and it happened to him every time.

  —No Sense of Humor

  AFTERMATH

  I tried to give it a shot; he was a nice guy and I didn’t want to be shallow. But I couldn’t take it. A couple weeks and a few more “giggle” sessions later, I stopped responding. It was just too weird!

  GIRLS

  After a year of what I thought was a pretty strong relationship, she suddenly decided she wanted to see other people. “What other people?” I asked. “Girls,” she replied.

  —Jeff

  AFTERMATH

  It pretty much ended right then and there, although it took her two weeks to get all of her crap out of my apartment.

  SNIFFER

  I came home a couple of days early from a trip and caught him masturbating while sniffing my underwear.

  —Christine

  AFTERMATH

  I stayed at a friend’s house that night and started apartment-shopping first thing in the morning. I let him keep the thong as I won’t be needing it again.

  STILL NOT SURE

  We had sex and I couldn’t tell if he had an erection.

  —Pilar

  AFTERMATH

  Never heard from him again after I intimated that he had a small, flaccid penis.

  RAPTURE

  We were in the shower together before breakfast. I turned around to rinse my hair and saw his eyes rolled into the back of his head with a look of joy and rapture on his face. His mouth was slightly agape and his finger was in his own bottom. My God…the look on his face.

  —Jana

  AFTERMATH

  It lasted long enough for me to rinse my hair and make an excuse to skip breakfast.

  BIG BABY

  I wouldn’t do a certain position because I was pregnant. He threw a huge tantrum like he was five years old.

  —Nika

  AFTERMATH

  Broke up with him the next day. Can’t deal with a baby when I’m about to have a baby.

  BIRTH CONTROL BRAT

  We’d dated a few weeks when he told me that he refused to wear a condom, and that the ring (which I had) was the wrong kind of birth control because he’d be able to feel it during sex.

  —Annie

  AFTERMATH

  He stopped returning my calls. We still bump into each other and it’s awkward.

  WATCH THE DRESS, BUDDY

  He tried to give me a golden shower in a parking lot after my uncle’s wedding, while I was still in a pretty dress.

  —Linda

  AFTERMATH

  I left him in Michigan to find his own way home, back to Indiana. Ended the next day.

  MOFO

  He said he has never had better sex than the sex he has with my mother in his mind.

  —D

  AFTERMATH

  We drifted apart, but I actually attended his wedding a few years later.

  MR. CLEAN

  I was dating an Austrian man. After sex, I asked him why he spent so much time in the bathroom before returning to bed, and he said, “I had to vaash my genitals.”

  —Lolita

  AFTERMATH

  It ended one month later, which was one month too long.

  WITHER

  Halfway through sex, my boyfriend looked at the clock and said, “Oh crap, it’s 4:25—my crops are going to wither!” and proceeded to go to the computer to harvest his crop on Farmville, an online game.

  —Sandra

  AFTERMATH

  I left and never w
ent back.

  BIOLOGY LESSON

  He asked if the blowjob I gave him the night before could have gotten me pregnant.

  —Ann

  AFTERMATH

  I spent a couple of weeks in denial before I finally broke it off, but I felt so much better once I did.

  KEGEL HOMEWORK

  We were having sex, and he asked me if I could “tighten my sh*t up.” I hopped off. He kissed my shoulder and passed out drunk.

  —He was a good kisser

  AFTERMATH

  Never talked to him again.

  WHAM, BAM

  Ten minutes into sex she says, “Why haven’t you cum yet?” I said, “Because I don’t want to yet.” She shouted, “YOU MEAN YOU’RE DOING IT ON PURPOSE! I’m not the kind of woman who likes being here all night.”

  —Smooth

  AFTERMATH

  We broke up. It wasn’t worth taking my clothes off for two minutes.