SHOELACES
I was at the store one day and happened to remember that my skateboarding boyfriend said he needed a new pair of shoelaces. So in an attempt to be a thoughtful girlfriend, I bought him a pair…but it was apparently the wrong kind. When I brought them over the next day, his only response was, “If you can’t pay attention to the kind of shoelaces I wear, how can I expect you to understand my needs?”
—L.
AFTERMATH
We were together off and on for about two years, but it was high school so that’s pretty much an eternity.
TOO THRIFTY
An unfortunate event led me to meet a hippie chick as a blind date. I was halfheartedly listening to her spout off the many ways she was thrifty, an avid recycler, and a freegan who rummaged through back alleys for clothing and used the Mooncup Menstrual Cup (blech!). The world stood still for me when she said she did not use toilet paper. Instead, she used rags and washed them for reuse.
—Joshua
AFTERMATH
She sent emails, but I blew her off.
HIGH FIDELITY
While saying our vows, my soon-to-be-husband broke down in laughter. He couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, say the word “fidelity.”
—Jane Doe
AFTERMATH
Five years later we divorced.
FISH SANDWICH
We went through the drive-thru window at a fast-food place and he ordered a fish sandwich and pronounced it “fill-ett o‘ fish.” He wasn’t joking and I knew he was just too stupid to continue the relationship.
—Alexa
AFTERMATH
I broke up with him a couple weeks later and it only lasted that long because the sex was good.
DOWN
He cried because his favorite band, System of a Down, broke up. He got angry at me because I wasn’t being emotionally supportive.
—Cynthia
AFTERMATH
We broke up a week later, and he still holds a grudge…four years later.
HULKAMANIA
I came home and saw my husband working on some type of project. He was making a WWE wrestler belt out of an old pizza box, gold paint, and a Sharpie.
—Amber
AFTERMATH
He spent three days working on it. My dog got ahold of it, chewed it up, and he made another one. I divorced him shortly after, but I kept my dog.
DANCING QUEEN
I went to hang out at her house for the first time and was forced to sit and listen to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” on repeat for nearly an hour straight.
—Andrew
AFTERMATH
Needless to say, it ended the second I left her house.
HOT HALLOWEEN
Going to a costume party for Halloween, my boyfriend was incredibly more excited about he and his friend going as lesbians than me going as a Playboy Bunny.
—lemonlime
AFTERMATH
He might not have appreciated my costume, but his friend did. A lot...
LEGO LAND
I went over to his house for a chance to spend some romantic time alone. We ended up looking in his basement for his long-lost LEGO set, and I watched in amazement as he spent over an hour building himself LEGO architecture on the floor, smiling like an eight-year-old.
—Clo
AFTERMATH
I left his house early that night, and about a week later, I ended it and never looked back.
FIRST DIP, THIRD NIP
We went out on the lake and, after his first dip in the water, I noticed the mole on his chest had reacted to the cold. Triple nipple is a deal breaker.
—Jillian
AFTERMATH
The moment we hit land, I was out.
CAVITY CREEP
Our second date was dinner and live music at a popular sports pub. I’m kind of silly, and when I made him laugh with a crazy story, I noticed his black teeth!
—Joy
AFTERMATH
Deal broken.
PILL POPPER
He picked up and swallowed the pill he dropped from the pub floor as he was so desperate to have it, even though everyone else on the night out was only drinking.
—Helen
AFTERMATH
A couple weeks later he said, “Let’s go on holiday.” I said, “Let’s break up.”
LITTLE MISS SARCASM
I realized that she had only one setting: sarcastic. No seriousness, no deeper emotions, no ability to hold a decent conversation. Every response from her was some sort of joke, but it got to be too much.
—Scott
AFTERMATH
I put up with it for about a month. I love a little sarcasm, but there is a point where it goes from a funny little quirk to downright annoying.
IN DINOSAUR
After only two days of chatting on Facebook, he told me, “Rawr! It means ‘I love you’ in dinosaur,” and he was serious.
—KutcherGirl
AFTERMATH
None.
SHAPE
I woke up, looked at my partner sitting on the edge of the bed, and realized that I absolutely detested the shape of his head.
—Narie
AFTERMATH
It only lasted three months after that.
MUFFIN TOP
He explained that his friends at work liked to grab his “muffin top” that hangs over his jeans to tease him.
—Amy
AFTERMATH
I allowed him to take me on a few more dates because he had good taste in restaurants.
ONE LOVE
She said she hated reggae. She hated it so much she wouldn’t talk to me if I listened to it near her.
—J
AFTERMATH
I broke it off blaring “One Love” by Bob Marley.
BABY FOOD
One night on the phone she started telling me about all her little “quirks.” It was so boring I stopped listening. I tuned back in to her monologue just in time to hear her say that she likes to eat baby food. As in little jars. As in Gerber…
—Spike
AFTERMATH
She eventually stopped calling me.
PIXEL GIRLFRIEND
Over our year-long relationship, we played video games together all the time, which was fine. The problem came when he canceled our actual in-person dates so we could play online from our respective homes. He liked my video-game character more than me.
—Nicole
AFTERMATH
A month later, he told me he could “never really love me.”
CHEMISTRY
TEARS OF A CLOWN
My boyfriend said, “I think clown makeup is really sexy.” Shortly thereafter, he whispered in my ear, “Seriously, babe, it’s a major turn-on.” He wasn’t joking.
—Chelsea
AFTERMATH
I broke up with him that night. For the four months that we dated, I always thought he said and did really weird things to be goofy. He was definitely serious about all of it.
READER
We worked together at a bar and you know how that goes: sweaty work tensions can be relieved with sweaty play. One night after closing the place, we end up back at her studio apartment and go directly bed-wards, where things were marvelous. Afterward, as she slept, I had to use the bathroom and I noticed something very strange about her apartment. She didn’t own a single book. Not one. Not even a thriller or a bodice-ripper or a Reader’s Digest Condensed Classic.
—Will
AFTERMATH
That was that.
BIGFOOT
He got skunked in Beer Pong, a drinking game. The house rules dictated he had to run a naked lap through the woods. Seeing his naked body in the moonlight, I noticed that he looked a lot like photos of Bigfoot sightings.
—Summer
AFTERMATH
Long enough for me to find out that it’s true that a man loses one inch of “manhood” for every ten pounds of extra weight.
CHAPEL OF DISCONTENT
When we arrived at the wedding chapel, neither of us made a move to take off our seat belts.
—LB
AFTERMATH
We called it off a week later.
MY JEANS
He found my jeans on the floor and pulled them on, thinking they were his. They fit. And they looked kinda good. And he danced around in them for a second, reveling in the fit.
—K
AFTERMATH
We broke up for other, less ambiguously gay reasons not long after, but this is the horrifying moment I remember, over and over again…
THERE SHE IS!
On our third date, I met a guy at his house. He was showing me pictures in a photo album. When he came to a picture of himself, he said, “There she is, in all her finest!”
—Brian
AFTERMATH
We did not have a fourth date.
SWERVE
She spent our date telling me how she’d had an affair with our waitress, which was fine. That happens when you date a stripper—it’s half the reason you date a stripper. But, when she took me home, she drove demon-fast, erratically, and sang over an ear-splitting stereo. She then flashed her breasts to the cars next to us while swerving into their lane.
—Rob
AFTERMATH
I never called her again, though she did show up at my house on her break, wearing a waist-length blonde wig. I turned her down gently, not telling her that she was two degrees too crazy for me.
INEXPERIENCED
It somehow came up in discussion that apparently I’ve kissed more girls than he has. And I’ve never even been into girls. I think he needs more dating experience before getting serious with me.
—Jen
AFTERMATH
I’m procrastinating about ending things. Maybe a break, or a breakup. I swear I’ve tried, but he’s so cute…
NUMB
We were in bed spooning one night, and my arm fell asleep underneath her. As I went to slide my arm out, she turned around and said, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you love me?” She rolled over and bawled for the next hour, inconsolable.
—Michael
AFTERMATH
Two months later, we were through. After my arm fell asleep, there was a constant boo-hoo over everything. I couldn’t take it.
HOOPS
We cuddled on the bed and watched TV when I noticed her large hoop earnings. I told her how nice they looked and she immediately responded, “I will make you jump through hoops for me,” in her thick Russian accent. Those words, along with the accent, turned me off instantly. Her gorgeous looks couldn’t save her.
—George
AFTERMATH
Two days after the comment she became the first and only girl I broke up with via text message.
PICTURE PERFECT
After a very dull first date, we went to his house where he pulled out photo albums and started showing me pictures of a camping trip with his ex-girlfriend. Even stranger: I was a total doppelganger for her.
—Elizabeth
AFTERMATH
I texted to cancel our next date. He called nine times, leaving four sad messages, the last of which was many minutes long, full of tears and “Whyyyyy, Elizabeth, whyyy!” I played it on speakerphone for my friends.
BEND AND SNAP
He constantly wanted to listen to “Legally Blonde: The Musical” and then did the “bend and snap” in front of one of my gay friends at a wedding. All I ever heard from my friends after that was how obviously gay he was.
—Ade
AFTERMATH
It lasted for another nine months. Ultimately ended because he cheated on me—twice. At least it was with a girl.
POCKET BIBLE
On our second date, he pulled out his pocket Bible and asked me what my favorite verse was. When I couldn’t think of one, he read me his favorite one and preached to me about God’s love for the rest of the night.
—Vivian
AFTERMATH
I went out with him one more time so he wouldn’t think that his God talk scared me away. But it totally did!
EAU D’ HOSPITAL
We had some drinks and went back to her apartment. I was blown away by her comfort in disrobing and how amazing her rack was. We had great sex…and then I noticed it. She had the peculiar smell of a hospital when she perspired.
—Diggity Dave
AFTERMATH
We met at the movies a week later. I really hoped it was something in her apartment, but as she hugged me at the theater, the hospital smell wafted up my nostrils for the last time!
GOALS
I asked him what he wanted to be doing in five years. He said, “Still driving a truck and finally be making real money at $15 per hour.” He had already been working there for five years and had started the job at $13 per hour.
—Ma Shell
AFTERMATH
We lasted two weeks after that. And the clincher? When I had to give him a pen so he could sign my birthday card.
MEDICINE MOUTH
He told me I “tasted like aspirin” when we kissed.
—Cassie
AFTERMATH
I should have known he was a jerk when he broke up with his girlfriend for me.
GROUND FLOOR
He informed me that he would “be a millionaire someday” and I should “get in on the ground floor.” I laughed. He wasn’t joking.
—Jen
AFTERMATH
We never went out again, and he was subsequently convicted of felony theft and related charges.
TEAR-STAINED UNDIES
I only dated him because he was a cop and I thought he was hardcore. I told him it was over after three dates and he bawled like a baby in front of his mates in the bar, then stripped to his undies because he thought I was breaking up with him because he wasn’t “wild” enough.
—MG
AFTERMATH
He stripped again in my apartment, in front of my flatmates. Please God, that’s enough.
LAST KISS
The first time we kissed, she bit my lip. I’m not opposed to nibbling, but she busted it open.
—Tony
AFTERMATH
Fifteen minutes.
WRAP PARTY
I went to a wrap party for a TV show he was working on and everyone I met kept commenting, half jokingly, to me about how I seemed too cool and nice to be engaged to such an a**hole (their word, not mine). After about conversation number five, a light went off in my head.
—Anastasia
AFTERMATH
I dumped him about a week later.
CAT MAN
It was over when he asked his cats what I wanted to do that day. In a doggy voice.
—Mizz Gooch
AFTERMATH
I f***ing hate cats. Only later did I find out that he named one of his cats after his favorite porn star.
COULD IT BE…HMMM…SATAN?
For months it was a roller coaster of ups and downs, breaking up and getting back together. I should have known it was permanently over when he said he didn’t believe in evolution (I’m a scientist) and that gays were caused by Satan.
—KT
AFTERMATH
I think we stayed together for a few more months.
WILD KINGDOM
Before our first date, I entered her studio apartment to find a jumbled mess of cups, plates, clothing, and stuffed animals. She also had seven pets. She talked to them in a cooing baby voice the entire time she got ready.
—William
AFTERMATH
For some reason (I’m guessing it had to do with my libido) I chose to stay with her for over a year of bizarre behavior that included throwing pasta at my head because there was an ant on the plate. And then crying and banging her head on the wall when I got angry about it.
CULTURE SHOCK
He started making plans for a joint vacation (after only four days of knowing each other) to New York’s Chinatown because he wanted “to lear
n more about my culture.” I’m Korean.
—Anem0ne
AFTERMATH
He was a very clingy, sticky rice queen, so it wasn’t too difficult quitting him.
FAVORITE ENDEAVOR
We argued for an hour about anal sex. Apparently, this was a favorite endeavor of his and his ex-girlfriend and he was insistent that I engage in this act as well.
—Lee-Lee
AFTERMATH
Two weeks later I went by his house at 3:30 a.m. and found his ex-girlfriend’s car parked outside.
CLASHES
EARTH FIRST
We were talking after sex one night, and she mentioned that the environmental movement was a secret government plot to keep us scared and obedient. I’m am energy efficiency consultant and activist who takes my impact on the Earth very seriously. I asked her if she knew what her statement meant for me. She responded, “Well, you can’t blame me if you’re wasting your life.”
It Was Over When... Page 4