I stopped where Michael and I had our first real, passionate kiss and stood in the same spot. I sat down on a trunk that was nearby. By then, I was soaked and didn't care. I needed this, I kept telling myself. I leaned back on the trunk, closed my eyes, and let the rain splatter on my face. Thunder and lightening crossed the sky, frightening me. After I skimmed over the area, I relaxed.
I leaned back again and closed my eyes tight. So many different images flashed through my mind. There was Rach back at the park crying and holding me, trying to tell me everything was going to be okay, that she would always be there for me. Then there was my parents, sitting around in the living room and watching television, snuggling up with each other. Ash, with his puppy dog eyes, pouring his heart out to me, and then again, trying to keep so much bottled up. And Michael, Michael, Michael... All I could see was his face, no particular scene, just his face.
After different aspects of him flashed in slow motion, the script came in. Him telling me how beautiful I was and how he was so glad he met me. There were so many sweet moments when I really thought he saved me; moments where everything that happened was bearable. There were times when I overlooked the dreams. They weren't nightmares to me anymore. I didn't care enough to dwell on them. All I could think about all day long was him. Now, I'm right back where I started. I'm so alone and lost.
My mind was swirling and the images in my head turned to the murders. The faces of the people who died went through my head like a slide show. I wondered what their lives were like before all of this happened. Were they happy? Did they enjoy life as much as they should have? Why did this happen to them?
Then my mind shifted again. I was curious about what the person from my dreams was feeling. I wondered if they wanted to kill themselves or just run away. Were they going out of their mind just like I was? I wished that I could do something to save them, but they weren't in my reach.
I rubbed my temples and tried to ease the pain. My clothes were stuck to my body and I was drenched. The cold hadn't registered in my brain because there was already too much going on up there.
I laid there under the trees for almost ten minutes when I heard what sounded like a branch breaking close by. I quickly sat up and looked around. I still couldn't see anything. I scooted back on the fallen log and pulled my knees to my chest. I was still searching, when I thought I saw something dart across in the direction of the entrance. My heart started pounding and I was too scared to move.
Who was out here? Had someone followed me and I didn't notice? My heart was going so fast and pumping so hard, that I could feel it on my kneecap. I started rocking and praying, asking God to let me make it out of here safely. I hadn't moved from that same spot, I was frozen still. I heard another crackle and I knew I needed to get out of here.
I eased off the log trying not to make a sound. I was still looking around, mentally making a note of where the noise was coming from and which direction I needed to retreat to. Michael and I hadn't walked all the way through the forest, so I didn't know what was on the other end of this maze.
I stopped and listened again. There was silence. I still didn't move. My body started to cramp up from the cold. I knew I couldn't make a move, but I needed to find a way out. I thought about making a run for it and just knock down whoever came into my view, but I was so small and would probably just anger whatever or whoever it was in the woods with me. I thought about hiding, but there was nowhere to hide, nowhere to go.
I heard the noise again and I strained my eyes to see if I saw the same flash that would dart across the clearing. I couldn't see anything. The water kept draining in my eyes, making my vision blurry. I still couldn't think of anything to do.
All my instincts said run and before I could talk myself out of it, I just bolted for the entrance. I was almost there when someone stepped out in front of me. I was in a full sprint when I crashed right into them and knocked us both over. I started kicking and screaming. I felt like all the air in my lungs was gone as I clawed at whatever was holding me.
“Jamie, calm down,” the voice said.
I was still frantic and kicking, too scared to open my eyes, but it finally registered that whoever this person was knew my name. My body ached and was starting to get weak. I slowed down the pathetic attempt to save myself and my aggressive punches turned into pats.
I finally opened my eyes and rubbed away the rain. The face that was there was smiling and trying to push the hair out of my face. He was just like I remembered him a week ago, right before I shut myself off from the world. It was Michael.
Why was he here? How did he know I would be here? I didn't see him when I pulled up, so he had to have followed me. This was crazy.
“Jamie, are you okay?” he asked. “Why are you out here? You're soaking wet.”
He stopped rubbing my face and pulled off his jacket to wrap it around me. I still didn't know what was going on. I couldn't understand why he was here or why he had followed me.
“Where did you come from?” I asked weakly. “How did you know I was here?”
“Well, you haven't been out of your room in a couple of days and you won't answer my phone calls, so I came by to talk to you today. When I saw you leaving, I decided to follow you and make you see me. When you got on the interstate, I knew exactly where you were going,” he said.
“But, but... I didn't see you when you pulled up. I was sitting at the picnic tables and I didn't see you at all. Where were you?”
“I waited around the corner. I figured you needed some time to think things through. I'm assuming that is the reason you came all the way out here. I watched you get out of the car and go into the woods, and it worried me. I didn't know if you were going to get lost, so I went in and tried to keep my distance. You know, I just wanted to be there if you needed some help getting out of here. We didn't exactly walk all the way through here.”
“Why are you following me Michael?” I asked.
“I just told you. I wanted to talk to you. You just cut me off, and I needed to know that you were okay. And I wanted to know what I did for you to shut me out the way you did.”
The rain started to pick up again and I was starting to freeze. I was shaking even with my jacket and his. He started to rub my arms rapidly to warm them up, but it wasn't working. He pulled me up into a cradling position and hugged me tightly. I was still confused about everything, and for the first time since I met him, I didn't believe him, something wasn't right.
I pulled away from him and looked him in the eye. I tried to look deep into them to see if I could find answers there. He was still such a mystery to me. There was still so much I didn't know about him. A part of me wanted the answers right then, and another part of me just wanted to get up, run, and just keep running.
He looked at me with those eyes, the eyes that always made me want to melt. I was so back and forth with myself, because now I just wanted to kiss him and see if that would make everything go away. I tried to get rid of all of the feelings and emotions that were playing tug-a-war with my insides.
He still hadn't said anything, and I knew he was just waiting on me to answer his question, but I had nothing to say. I didn't know how to tell him what was going on with me. I couldn't be sure what his reaction would be. Not everyone is like Rach. She wanted to take on my problems and part of that was because she has known me for so long. But Michael doesn't know me. He says he likes me, but if he knew what was going on, would that change? I had to look away.
“You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I mean, I haven't been as open with you, but I do want to know if you're okay,” he finally said.
Once again, he waited. I buried my head in his chest and started to cry. I was so tired of keeping things bottled up. He started rocking me and I felt like some child who had just lost her favorite blanket.
“Baby, whatever is going on with you, you can tell me, just let me help you. I promise I won't walk away from you. I care about you too much to let anything happ
en to you. Please just let me in.”
“No one can help me. There is nothing you, Rach or anyone can do to help me,” I yelled.
“What is it you're not telling me? I don't understand. Why can't I help you?”
“I know you don't understand, and even if I told you, you still wouldn't get it. I just need to figure things out for myself, okay?”
He stopped rocking and grabbed my face to turn it toward his. The features in his face turned hard, his forehead was crinkling up as the rain drenched his face. I didn't want to do this with him right now. I didn't want him looking at me like I was insane.
“Jamie, whatever it is, you don't have to face this alone. I'm here and I know Rachel is more than willing to do her part in helping rectify the situation,” he said.
“You don't get it... I don't want your help, Michael. Just understand that. I don't want your help and I don't want Rach's help. I just want to be left alone to figure this out,” I said pushing him away to stand up.
He was still sitting on the ground when I looked down at him. He had his head in his hands facing downward. I felt so bad saying that to him, but it was the only way I could get him to leave this alone. There was nothing he could do and I didn't want to bring him in on this like I did Rach. I couldn't bear doing another person like that.
I squatted down in front of him and pulled his chin up to look at me. His eyes were red like he was crying and it made me feel worse.
“Look, I'm sorry I have been acting weird. It’s not you, it's me. I have been going through so much lately that I don't know how to deal with being around anyone. Things won't make sense to you if I told you what was going on, but it will make you worry about me more than you have been, and that is something I don't want you to do. So, please, just let me deal with this on my own. Later on, if you still decide you want to be with me, then we will go from there,” I said.
He had a confused look on his face and I wanted to ask what he was thinking, but decided against it. I felt bad, but I didn't feel guilty for not telling him the truth. He said it himself, he hasn't been open with me at all, and this was something that I had to keep to myself.
“Can you do that for me? Can you let this go and let me work it out on my own?” I asked. “I promise I will try to act sane, if you promise you won't push me.”
“Do you like me?” he asked.
“Of course, I do. Why do you ask?”
“Do you think that I am the right guy for you? Like, do you see our relationship going anywhere or do you feel like it’s a dead end?”
“I don't know how to answer that. I mean, I care about you and I think you are a great guy, and I would love to see where this could go, but I don't...”
“Then why do you feel like you have to keep secrets from me? If you like me and you think we have a future then you have to be completely honest with me about what's going on with you. I need to know so I can help you, don't you understand that?”
“I know you are not giving me any crap about not being honest with you. You of all people. I don't even know you. You know more about me than I know about you, so don't tell me what I should do.”
“Okay, I get that. I know I haven't told you everything about me, and maybe you don't know me, but I told you why I couldn't. And it doesn't change the fact that I love you and I want you to be safe. You don't realize what would happen if I told you what I do. I couldn't put you in that kind of danger...”
He was still talking, but I stopped listening after he said he loved me. He loves me. But how could he, he hasn't known me that long and I've been acting like a nut job. I felt like I was back at Ash's apartment the night he confessed he was in love with me. I was speechless, but this time I actually loved this person back. It wasn’t in a platonic kind of way, but I really did feel love for him.
I hadn't noticed that he had stopped talking and was looking at me. I didn't hear anything he had said. All I knew was, my eyes stung and I just wanted to be away from here. I came here to think and now I’ve been weighed down with even more than I could handle.
Why couldn't things go back to the way they were, so this episode would be more enjoyable? Back to the place where I was sane and when he told me he loved me, I could say it back and then we would hug and be happy in that moment. Right now, all I felt was regret. Regret for even talking to him in the beginning. I had my doubts about starting a relationship with anyone. But despite the warning signs, I did it anyway.
“Please say something,” he said.
“You said you loved me,” I whispered.
“Yeah, I said I loved you. Does that freak you out?”
“No. I love you, too,” I blurted out without thinking about it.
“Okay. This is the first time we've said I love you. That's big, don't you think?”
“Yes, it's huge, but I don't get why you love me. You hardly know me and I haven't been the easiest person to get along with lately. But you still say you love me. Why?” I asked.
“Well, there are so many reasons.”
“Just tell me the main reason,” I said.
“It's just you. It's hard to put it into words, but I'll try.” He paused. “It’s just who you are. Your spirit is refreshing, because you're gorgeous and you act like you don't know it. You have so much passion and everything seems to excite you, even the small things. I love that about you. Like I said, it's hard to put it into words, but it's just you,” he said pressing the palm of his hand to my chest.
“That is the sweetest thing anyone has ever told me,” I said.
“Well, I mean it and I want to be here for you. No matter what it is, I want to know and I want to be able to make it all go away. All of your pain, I want to help make it disappear. I'm begging you, give me a chance and I promise, if I make things worse, I will drop everything and leave you alone.”
He pulled me back down into his arms and held me. He kissed my forehead and then my cheek. He pulled a strand of hair out of my face and kissed my eye. I felt so drained at that point, but I was warm inside. Maybe he was my savior, maybe he was meant to be in my life for this purpose.
I looked at him again, and this time I could see light in his eyes. It seemed like the mystery that was always there started to dissipate right before my eyes. He wasn't some mysterious guy that I liked; he was now this warm and caring guy that I loved.
“I love you, Miss Whitlock,” he said.
“I love you too, Mr. Ian.”
I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him. My body was tingling all over and the feeling came back. It was the same feeling I had when we were in the woods the first time, a feeling of security and oneness. My ocean was back behind my eyelids, and there he was holding out his hand, telling me it was okay to be with him. He was telling me it was okay to let go and love him and to be loved, that I didn't have to run anymore or be afraid. And for the time being, I relaxed and released all the horrible things and held on to him and that moment.
Chapter Thirteen
This was the first time I have checked my email in weeks. I was flooded with messages, so much so, I thought it might be spam. I had emails from my mom, some of my teachers and the list went on. I was afraid to open them. I knew they would be yelling at me in their own way about my lack of commitment and concentration.
I clicked on the first email from my mom. She was telling me about some of the things my dad had bought. She said she was running out of space in the house and in the garage for all of his junk. I laughed to myself. I missed them.
I scrolled down the list and saw an email from my dad. He never emailed me. He said sending messages over the computer was so impersonal. He always wanted to see me face to face or we had to talk over the phone. I wasn't actually answering my phone around that time, so it must have been important.
I opened the email and when I got to the end of it, my heart sank. My father was disappointed in me. He called the school and talked to some of my teachers and they told him about the absences and the failing grade
s. He said he was disappointed in me. That was the only thing I kept reading over and over. He has never said that to me, even when he was.
I quickly opened the emails from my teachers and all of them pretty much said the same thing. They were worried about me. They asked me if I needed help, or was I planning on dropping their class. I knew I needed to catch up on my work, but I didn't think it was this bad. I would have to get a tutor because I couldn't bear the thought of my dad being disappointed in me.
I went back to the message from my dad and looked it over again. He said he didn't tell my mom about all of this, but he wanted me to try to fix things before he stepped in. He went on to say that if I needed to talk to him about anything, he would always be there. He wanted me to know that he loved me more than I could ever know and then he signed it “Dad”, not “Love, Dad”, just “Dad”. I wanted to break down, but I was too drained.
I closed down my laptop and went to the mirror. I didn't even know myself anymore. Who was I becoming? I stopped caring about my future, and I almost got fired from my job. The only thing that saved me from that was Keisha and Dana covering for me. They knew something was going on with me and wanted to help in any way they could. I told them that things would get back to normal soon, but I didn't even believe that anymore.
I went to Rach's closet to find something to wear; laundry was another thing on my list that had been avoided. I immediately found a black v-neck sweater that I adored and her black fedora to go with it.
I pulled out the sweater and threw it on my bed and grabbed the footstool from the corner to get to the top shelf of the closet. I grabbed the hat and there was a shoebox underneath it that fell. I got down from the stool and started picking up the contents of the box which was a box of letters. I started to put them back into the box when I noticed my name on one of them. I then turned over the others and all of them had my name on them.
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