by Nancy Mehl
I realized with a start that Kingdom had drifted back into my thoughts again. Ever since I’d set foot in Sanctuary, my old hometown had been pushing its way back into my consciousness. After all the years of trying to forget, why couldn’t I stop thinking about the past? Seeing Jonathon was a shock, but I’d put him out of my mind before, so surely I could do it again. The truth was, being so near him again had shaken me to the core.
“Stop it, Sophie,” I said to myself. “You’re not going down this road again.” I tried to recite my affirmations, but for some reason, they felt like dirt in my mouth. Positive words weren’t going to help me this time. Either I had to make up my mind and ignore him—and the past—or I’d have to give up and leave Sanctuary.
No. I’d run away from myself once, and I just couldn’t do it again. Wouldn’t do it again. Terrance Chase could actually be here—or at least was here at some point—and this was my only chance to find him. To write the story of a lifetime. To become everything I wanted to be. I couldn’t fail. I had to stay the course.
I finished my meal, cleaned up, and headed upstairs. When I opened the door to my room, I saw a piece of paper on the bed. It was a note from Esther.
Feeling a little tired tonight. Went to bed early. Will see you in the morning, honey. Maybe we can talk then. Please help yourself to anything you need. I put clean towels in the bathroom for you.
Esther
I’d completely forgotten we were supposed to visit this afternoon. I’d been so focused on the books in the church basement that I’d blown Esther off. Her kindness touched me and made me feel guilty all at the same time. I tossed her note in the trash and slumped down on the fainting couch. Frankly, everything in this town made me feel guilty. Pretending to be someone else was exhausting. I couldn’t help but be concerned about Tom, but the thing foremost on my mind was being forced to face Jonathon again. What were the chances something like this could even happen? Some people in Kingdom would tell me this was God’s hand. That He’d brought me here for a reason. That He had some kind of plan for my life. But I wouldn’t buy into that. His supposed love had placed me in a family that hated me and abused me. He’d let me get involved with Tom and mess up my life so badly I’d had to run away at eighteen. Everything I had now was because of one person. Me. I had no intention of ever letting the delusion of a loving God back in my life. I knew better.
“You hear that?” I said softly. “If I don’t believe in You—if I don’t hope You love me or that You want to help me—I’ll never be disappointed again. I can make my own way. I don’t need You. I don’t need anyone.”
I gathered my pajamas and headed to the bathroom. After soaking in a hot bath for a while, I walked down the hall to Benjamin’s room. I found an old novel that looked interesting and went back to my room. When I walked in, I found two of Esther’s cats curled up on my bed. Clyde and Frances, a pretty calico, were settled in for the night. Seeing them made me smile. Animals had a way of seeing the best in people. If only people could do the same.
Being careful not to disturb the cats, I climbed into the large bed. I opened the book and tried to read, but a voice kept whispering to me, asking why I felt it necessary to explain my lack of faith to a God I didn’t believe existed.
I forced myself to read until I grew tired and turned off the light. It took a long time to drift off to sleep because that voice just wouldn’t be stilled.
Chapter
Eight
After a restless night, I finally rolled out of bed around six in the morning. I got dressed and made a visit to the bathroom. Figuring Esther wouldn’t be up yet, I was surprised to hear sounds coming from the first floor. When I went downstairs, I found her in the kitchen.
“Well, good morning, honey,” she said when she saw me. “I figured you would sleep in today.”
I shook my head. “That would have been nice, but I’m afraid my body wasn’t in agreement.”
She laughed and motioned toward the kitchen table. “I understand that all too well. The older I get, the more my body bosses me around.”
She poured a cup of coffee from the enamel percolator on the stove. “I will start breakfast in a minute, but if you are like me, coffee comes first.”
I grinned at her. “We’re very much alike. Thank you.”
She handed me the cup, and I took a sip, hoping the caffeine would chase away the weariness that seemed to fill my mind and body this morning.
Esther poured herself a cup and then sat down at the table next to me. “When you arrived here, you told me why you were in Sanctuary, but I still do not know much about you, Emily. I would like to know you better.”
As I gazed into the elderly woman’s eyes, the idea of telling her more lies made me feel sick to my stomach. Maybe I could wrap my lies in a little truth. “I was born and raised in Kansas,” I said. “I don’t have any brothers or sisters.” I shrugged. “I told you how I found out about Miriam.”
Esther reached over and touched my hand. “But tell me about you. What do you do? What do you like? What do you want to do in life?”
I told her the lie about working for an accounting firm. And that I wanted to own my own firm someday.
She frowned at me. “You do not seem to be the type of person who would be happy with a job like that.”
I almost spit out my coffee. Jonathon had said the same thing. What was it these people thought they saw in me that made them think I couldn’t be an accountant? Suddenly, I wished I’d come up with some other story.
“I—I guess it’s a job.”
She nodded. “Yes, it is a job, and there is nothing wrong with it. But isn’t there something else you really want to do, Emily? Besides accounting, I mean? You are so smart and personable. I believe you could be successful at anything you put your mind to.”
Without warning, my eyes filled with tears. I tried to quickly blink them away, but I wasn’t fast enough.
“Oh, my dear girl.” Compassion filled Esther’s face. “Surely others in your life have told you the same thing.”
I took a napkin from the wooden holder on the table and wiped my face. “No,” I said softly. “I’m afraid there aren’t many people who see me in a positive light. And rightly so. I’ve made many, many mistakes.”
Esther stared at me for a moment and then looked away. When she spoke again, her voice was so quiet, I could barely hear her. “Everyone makes mistakes, dear. My husband and I raised our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But after he died and I was all they had, they turned their backs on God. And me. Somehow I failed them. I have seen Rebecca and my grandchildren twice since she moved away. And I haven’t seen my son in years.” When she looked back at me, she had tears in her own eyes. “I used to go over and over in my mind all the things I said and did that were wrong. The times I was too busy for them. The times I was too short with them. If I could go back and do it over, be a better mother, I would. But I cannot fix the past. And neither can you. If God does not hold our mistakes against us, then we should not do it either. It is time you let go of the past, Emily. Give it to God. His shoulders are much larger than yours.”
I felt a rush of anger rise up inside me. “God doesn’t care about me, Esther. I used to pray and pray, asking Him for help. Things just got worse. I’m on my own now, and I like it that way.”
As soon as I let those words out of my mouth, I knew they were wrong. I needed a place to stay in Sanctuary, and now I’d ruined my chances of remaining in this house. I should have just agreed with her.
To my surprise, Esther didn’t look angry. Instead, she got up and came over to me. When she wrapped her arms around me, I couldn’t hold back the tears of grief and hurt that poured out. I fought to restrain my unruly emotions, but it took everything I had to finally stop crying. Throughout it all, Esther held me, something I wasn’t used to. Finally, once I’d grown quiet, she squeezed me and let me go. Then she went back to her chair and turned it toward me, taking both of my hands in hers.
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“I know this may not make sense to you now, Emily, but God has answered your prayers. He brought you here. To Sanctuary. To me. You are here for a reason. He has always been with you, and by the time you leave this town, you will know that, too.”
I seriously doubted that would happen, but Esther’s expression of concern meant more than I could say. I’d been shown very little compassion in my life. But as soon as that thought came into my head, I realized it wasn’t true. There had been many kind people in Kingdom. Jonathon and Lizzie. The pastor of our church. And a few other women in Kingdom, like Hope Kauffman. She was probably Hope Miller by now. I was certain they no longer cared much about me. In fact, they probably hated me. Everyone except Lizzie, that is. I’d told her the truth about the terrible thing I’d done, and she’d helped me anyway. I could still remember her words. “God is in the business of giving second chances, Sophie. Even third and fourth chances. His mercy is endless. Just don’t give up. He has a great plan for your life, and He’ll never leave you.” She’d given me enough money to get out of town and start a new life. I would be indebted to her forever.
“Thank you, Esther,” I said. “You’re very kind. I appreciate it. I’m sorry about what I said. I hope it didn’t upset you.”
“No, honey. It didn’t upset me. God can handle your feelings and your hurt.” She gently squeezed my shoulder. “He has heard worse, I am certain. But I will tell you this.” She looked into my eyes, and I could swear she was peering into my soul. “God definitely led you here. You watch for His footprints.”
I nodded dumbly. What was she talking about? Why did everyone seem to think God had a plan for my life? God clearly didn’t care about me. And footprints? So far, the only footprints I could see were the ones He left when He walked away.
“Now, let us get some food in our stomachs.” Esther moved her chair back to its previous position. “Then we can spend some time talking about your grandmother.”
“That sounds great.” But it didn’t. I wasn’t sure what to ask her about a woman I didn’t really know. I’d wanted to get back to the church and go through the records today, yet I couldn’t ignore Esther again. I decided to go to the church in the afternoon.
After turning down my offer to help her, Esther sent me to the living room, where I sat down and sipped my coffee while I waited. Eventually, I carried my cup out to the front porch and took my place in the rocking chair again. It was such a quiet, peaceful morning. I watched as Janet Dowell came out of her house. When she saw me, she started walking my way.
“Good morning, Emily,” she called when she reached the porch. “How are you?”
“Just fine. Enjoying a cup of Esther’s delicious coffee.”
She laughed. “She certainly does make good coffee. In fact, everything she makes is great. She’s a wonderful cook.”
I patted my stomach. “I’ve discovered that. It’s going to take a lot of time in the gym to work off her cooking, I’m afraid.”
Her blue eyes twinkled. “I totally understand. Well, I just wanted to say hi, but I’d better get going. I’m running a little late for work today.”
“Can I ask what you do?” Trying to categorize Sanctuary’s residents might help me find Chase. I intended to question everyone I could.
“Sure. I run the veterinary clinic. Ever since our last vet went . . . away.”
I remembered the story about the TV reporter who came here to find her brother. If my memory was right, the town’s veterinarian had tried to kill her.
“Sounds like a wonderful job,” I said. “I love animals.”
She grinned. “Me too. Some days more than others. Well, I’m off. Nice to see you again.”
“You too.”
She walked back toward her house, got into her car, and drove down the street.
A few minutes later, a lovely red-haired woman came out of the house with a young girl who looked very similar to her. They walked down the porch steps and headed toward town. I watched them until I couldn’t see them anymore, then I went back into the house. Esther was just coming into the living room as I walked through the door.
“Breakfast is ready,” she said.
“You really didn’t need to make me anything. I usually don’t even eat breakfast.”
Esther shook her head. “You young people. Don’t you realize that breakfast gives you energy for the rest of the day?”
“I guess we don’t. I’m usually up and on my way to work early in the morning. There’s just not time.”
“Well, while you are here, you will eat breakfast. That way, I know you have enough fuel to keep you going.”
I laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”
I followed her into the dining room, where I saw she’d loaded my plate with bacon, scrambled eggs, and fried potatoes. A smaller plate of toast sat next to it.
“Oh, Esther. I just don’t think I can eat this much. If I do, I won’t be able to fit into my clothes.”
She pointed to the vacant chair in front of the huge plate of food. “You sit down and do your best. If you cannot eat it all, I will not complain.”
“I’ll certainly do what I can. It all looks delicious.”
When we were both seated, Esther asked if it was all right for her to say a prayer. I nodded but kept my eyes open as the small elderly woman spoke to her God.
“Lord, I thank You so much for sending Emily here. It is such a blessing to me. Help her to see herself as You do, dearest God. Thank You for providing this food and blessing it to our bodies. In Jesus’ precious name, amen.”
Esther was sincere in her faith, I could see that. Yet her husband was dead, and her children had deserted her. Still, here she was, thanking God. I couldn’t understand it. She was obviously living in denial. But that was her business, not mine.
I reached for the coffeepot, which was sitting on a hot pad, and poured another cup of coffee. I wasn’t looking forward to spending the next couple of hours hearing more about some woman I didn’t know—and never would. Maybe I could work in some questions about newer residents. Men who’d moved here after 2008.
But that plan quickly died.
“Now, honey,” Esther said, looking straight at me, “I would like you to tell me the real reason you’ve come to Sanctuary.”
Chapter
Nine
I stared back at her for several seconds, not sure I’d heard her right. Finally, I said, “I’m sorry. I don’t understand . . .”
Esther smiled. “Honey, I knew Miriam really well. I also know that her sister Clara could not bear children.” She held up one hand. “And before you try to argue with me about this, I must tell you that, due to a medical condition, Clara had a hysterectomy when she was still very young. She could not possibly be your grandmother.”
I tried to think of an excuse to keep my story intact, but nothing came to mind. “Why didn’t you say something earlier?” I asked finally. “You let me come into your house and listened to me, even though you knew I was lying. And you’ve been so nice.”
“That is an easy question to answer. I like you. And as I told you, I believe God sent you here.” She smiled. “Before you panic and run away, you need to know that I have no intention of telling anyone that you are here under . . . false pretenses.”
I peered at her through narrowed eyes. “And why is that? If you know I’ve been deceitful, why don’t you tell me to clear out?”
“I will not thwart God’s plan. Besides, I believe you have a good heart, even though you also have a lot of pain inside. I do not believe you are here to hurt anyone.”
“I’m not,” I responded quickly. “Except maybe for a very bad man. A man who killed two innocent people.”
Esther took a quick breath. “Sanctuary is a place where some people have come looking for refuge from the past. We respect their privacy. But we do not want our town to be a hiding place for people who have done such terrible evil.”
“Wasn’t it just a couple of years ago when you were overrun by
the media? Had to do with a boy being kidnapped?”
She nodded. “Our peace was shattered for a while. Some people even left town for a while. But people in the world have short memories. When the story disappeared, so did the news people. We are safe once again.” She paused for a moment and appeared to study me. “Now, while we eat, I want you to tell me the truth. All of it.”
“I don’t know . . .”
“My silence is given only on the condition that you do not lie to me again.” She picked up a piece of bacon and took a bite.
I waited while she chewed and swallowed, my mind racing as I tried to think of how best to handle the situation. In the end, I decided to come clean. With most of it, anyway. There were some things I had to keep to myself. No one could know about Kingdom—or about Jonathon.
“What do you want to know?” I asked slowly.
Esther fastened her blue eyes on mine. “First of all, who are you really?”
“My name is Sophie Bauer. I work for the St. Louis Times. I’m looking for a man named Terrance Chase. In 2008, he and another man robbed an armored car company, killing two guards. They got away. The rumors are that both men are dead, but I don’t believe that. I think Terrance Chase changed his name and identity and came here. I’m not sure he’s still here, but if he is, I want to find him. Not just for my story, but mainly because he should be brought to justice for what he did.” I met her intense gaze. “And if you tell anyone what I just told you, he might get away . . . again. Those guards had families. Children. I know that as a Mennonite you don’t believe in retribution, but you do believe in justice. That’s all I’m looking for.” Of course, that wasn’t really true. For me, the story was first, justice was second. But Esther didn’t need to know that.
The elderly woman didn’t say anything for several seconds. Finally, she pointed at my plate. “Eat your food before it gets cold. I will keep your secret. For now. But if I find out that you have lied to me—or if I feel you are doing something to hurt this town or anyone in it, I will have no choice but to seek help.”